Читать книгу No Surrender - Sara Arden - Страница 11

2

SHE FELT GOOD.

Like nothing had in a long time, Sean realized.

Wild Kentucky Lee calmed him, soothed him, made him feel as if no matter how screwed up the world was, everything would right itself.

It was so wrong.

He didn’t deserve to be soothed. He didn’t deserve to be reassured. Lynnie was gone and it was his fault.

He loved Lynnie. He always would. But for the last year before her death, he hadn’t been in love with her. She was an amazing woman, to be sure. Kind, warm, intelligent and red-carpet beautiful. She belonged to another world. A world where men didn’t get shredded by land mines; a world where people didn’t strap bombs to children. Lynnie belonged to a world with Sunday dinners and peach cobbler. A world that didn’t have a place for him.

When he ended things with her, she wasn’t even angry with him. She’d felt it, too. She just hadn’t wanted to put more on his plate while he was deployed.

Then they’d had to bury her with that ring on her finger. That ring that was a symbol of how both of their dreams had died. He supposed it was fitting that it go with her.

But if he hadn’t Skyped her, hadn’t told her how he felt, she wouldn’t have been out on that country road that night. She’d have been home, curled up in her favorite chair with her favorite tea and reading.

* * *

HE PULLED KENTUCKY CLOSER, her lush body a haven away from all that was bad. All the memories he didn’t want.

This moment between them was more than just a hiding place, though. Kentucky was hot and his body responded to her as it would any sexy woman. Whereas Lynnie’s appeal had been that she was so unearthly, a sort of fey loveliness with her petite pixie features and golden-blond hair, Kentucky was earthier. She was solid and strong but curved and soft. She was at odds with herself, as she was with most everything else.

Her arms were toned from her work as a mechanic, hands rough, but the swell of her hip seemed as if it’d be the most dangerous to ride. And her breasts in that lace bra... When she’d pulled off her shirt, he’d been so aroused.

Guilt had filled him, but it had done nothing to cool his desire. That was why he hadn’t wanted to get in the water with her. He didn’t want her to know how much of a bastard he really was.

Kentucky had always looked at him as though he were some kind of strange bug. The nicer he was to her, the odder she thought him. But underneath that, he’d always seen her secrets. When she started looking at him with a kind of longing, he knew it.

He also knew it was because he saw her, cared about her, and she didn’t have that. She didn’t have anyone she could trust. Except him. Except Lynnie.

But now Lynnie was gone.

And he wanted to lose himself in the woman next to him. For a moment, he wanted to feel something good. He wanted her to feel good, too, but he didn’t want to shatter the fragile trust she’d put in him.

“Thanks for today,” he said, finally breaking the silence.

“You, too.” Her hand settled on his chest. “It was good to know that some things can be the same.”

“But it wasn’t the same.”

“No? You didn’t have fun? You didn’t laugh? You didn’t wish for a single second that we had that cordial Rachel used to swipe from her cellar and some hot dogs on that fire? Not once?”

He found himself laughing again. “Yeah, you’ve got me there.” Sean exhaled heavily. “I’ve laughed more with you this evening than I have in a long time.”

“Well, you’ve got to do that for yourself now and again. Self-care, bro.” She elbowed him lightly.

“Yeah, a prescription of two doses of Kentucky Lee for what ails ya?” Damn, why had he said that? Because it was exactly what he’d been thinking, and she deserved better than that. He’d punched Robbie Carter in the face for saying something similar in cruder terms when they were sophomores.

Instead of taking offense, she just laughed. Not the kind of laugh that was false, or hiding some kind pain, but a genuine belly laugh. “Sure. Why not? It’s the first time I’ve ever been someone’s cure instead of their disease.”

“How do you know?”

“I don’t see anyone lined up waiting for you to hand them that particular prescription.”

“Once upon a time, there was a boy named Robbie Carter—”

She groaned. “Don’t remind me. That’s so embarrassing.”

“You know?” He turned on his side to look at her.

“Wait, know what?” Her brown eyes narrowed. “Besides he didn’t show to pick me up for Winter Royalty. Didn’t call. Never spoke to me again.”

“He thought you were the cure, so to speak.”

“Funny way of showing it.”

“Eric and I didn’t care for the way he talked about you in the locker room.”

She pushed at his shoulder. “What are you talking about?”

“He talked about how he was guaranteed to get in your pants at Royalty. He called you a slut, so I punched him.”

“Once?”

“Repeatedly. Then Eric hit him. Then the rest of the team told him if he said one more word about you, they’d leave nothing left of him but a grease stain on the floor.”

“Those guys never gave a damn about me. Why would they do that?”

“They cared about what Eric and I cared about. That was enough.”

She sighed and flopped back on the grass. “Well, you could’ve told me he wasn’t coming.”

“We didn’t want him to bail. We just wanted him to treat you with respect.”

“My knights in shining armor, trying to keep me celibate since tenth grade.”

“Oh, please. Don’t tell me you really wanted your first time to be with Robbie Carter.” They’d moved into dangerous territory, he knew. This wasn’t something they should be talking about.

“Well, I did just want to get it over with. I definitely didn’t want to be trite and wait until prom.”

“So who was it?”

“You wouldn’t know him. He lives in Canada.”

“Don’t go Sixteen Candles on me. Come on. I’ll tell you mine.”

“Yours was Lynnie. At Winter Royalty.” She rolled her eyes, but then she smiled. “She told me all about how magical and special it was.”

“Was it?” Those words punched him in the gut. “I’m glad.”

“Wasn’t it for you?”

“Of course it was. Then eight months later she broke up with me.”

“Because she knew you were the one. She wanted to make sure neither of you ever had any regrets.”

“I’ll be honest—all of my junior year, I thought I was dying. I dated other girls, but there was only Lynnie.” Only Lynnie, until he became someone else. Until his job changed him. Or maybe it unearthed who he really was, deep down in his bones. Because even though he saw horrible things, he made a difference. He loved what he did. He wished that the world didn’t need people like him, but as long as it did, he’d be there in the thick of it.

“Enough about me. You already knew that. Answer my question.” He searched her face. “Unless you really don’t want to.”

“So you’re telling me the state of my virginity and nonvirginity has been a burning question plaguing you since high school?” She smirked.

“What if it has?” What was he doing? This had gone past the boundaries of their friendship. He could lie to himself and say that friends shared these details all the time, but that wasn’t what this was. Not for him.

Especially because he knew not for her either.

She rolled her eyes and sighed. “Jason Carter.”

“Robbie’s brother?”

“I was so pissed at him that I went to his house. Jason was home from KU for winter break. He took me out to dinner and we ended up having sex in the back of his Mustang outside Paisano’s.”

He’d admit, he kind of hated Jason in that moment. He didn’t expect to feel angry. He pushed the thoughts aside.

“Should I punch him next time I see him?” He tried to retreat, to lighten the mood.

“No, he punched himself. He married Angie Rhem.”

She was super high-maintenance, and with a mean streak wider than Stranger Creek.

They laughed and then fell into that silence that seemed to keep sneaking up on them. At first it had been companionable, comfortable. Maybe even peaceful.

But now there was something between them. Something heavy and electric. Their gazes met and held, soldered together. Neither of them able or willing to break the moment.

Her lips parted, pink and soft, as she drew in tiny sharp puffs of air. The firelight cast a warm glow over them and he could see her eyes, wide dark pools he could drown in.

Sean Dryden had always believed himself to be a good guy and at this moment, if he’d been a “good guy,” he’d have said something.

We shouldn’t.

No, we can’t.

This isn’t right.

But he didn’t say anything. He waited for the moment to bloom, to become whatever it was meant to be.

She reached out tentative fingers and cupped his cheek.

It was the lightest, gentlest caress, and it devastated him. In that single connection, he felt the comfort she offered him. Her grief and her understanding of his.

And of this moment. What it was. What it could be.

What it could never be.

She drew him closer and his emotions choked him. He buried his face against her breast and tightened his embrace around her, holding her so tight that nothing could ever pry her away from him.

Kentucky stroked his brow, cradled his skull and then slipped down his back only to return again.

“Share your pain with me. Let it breathe, Sean. You’re not going to smother it. It’ll smother you.”

“How do you know?”

“I know. All the people I’ve lost? My parents, my aunt, Lynnie... It’ll drown you. But you’re not dead—they are. So don’t let it.” She continued her soothing caress. “I’ll miss them forever. I’ll love them forever. I’ll even hurt because of those things, but that’s not all there is to feel.”

He turned his face up into her neck, his lips close to her pulse. “What if I don’t deserve to feel anything else?”

“Of course you do. Lynnie loved you. She’d want to know you missed her, but she wouldn’t want you to stop living because she’s gone. Let yourself grieve, Sean.”

“What if I’m not ready to grieve? What if I want to feel something else?” Like the softness of Kentucky’s body under his while he buried himself inside her. The taste of her skin on his tongue. Her nails on his back while she screamed his name.

God, but he was a bastard.

The worst part of all this was he knew that if Lynnie could see him, she wouldn’t begrudge either of them whatever solace they could find together. She’d only want them to be good to each other after.

He wasn’t that noble.

“Do you want to feel, or do you want to forget?” Her touch was still soothing, but it made him burn hotter, too. “Because after the orgasm is over, you realize those things you were hiding from never left.”

“Wasn’t this what you wanted when you brought me out here?” He lifted his head and met her eyes. “If it’s not, tell me to stop and we’ll forget this ever happened.”

Her eyes were luminous and open. He could see all the way to her bones. She wanted him, but she wanted more than what he was offering her.

“I don’t want to forget it happened, and I especially don’t want you to forget I happened. As good as this feels—” she shook her head “—it’s not worth our friendship. I don’t want to do this and then you can never look at me again because I’ve become a single-use item.”

“I hope you’d know me better than that, Kentucky.”

“Sometimes when we’re hurting, we don’t know ourselves.”

He pushed her down in the sand and pressed her beneath him. Color was high in her cheeks and her eyes glittered in the firelight. Her arms twined around his neck. She obviously didn’t give a damn that they were out in the open, that her hair was fanned out in the sand or that their wet underwear clung to them.

She was singularly focused on him.

He gripped her hips and pulled her forward to meet him, grinding his hard cock against her cleft.

“Live a little.” He threw her words back at her and his mouth descended toward hers oh-so slowly, building the heat and tension between them so they had no choice but to see where the explosion took them.