Читать книгу Me Vs. Me - Sarah Mlynowski - Страница 8

Splitsville

The alarm clock, my Hello Kitty alarm clock, says 6:30 a.m.

I stifle a scream.

I officially need to be institutionalized. What is wrong with me? I stare up at my ceiling in despair. Maybe there’s someone I can call? 1-800-CRAZY? I kick off my covers and peruse my bedroom. How did I end up back here when I went to sleep at Cam’s? I creak open my door and tiptoe around the apartment. The lights are off and Lila’s door is shut. My two red packed suitcases are in the center of the room, mocking me.

When did I come home? How much vodka did I have at Alice’s?

The apartment looks just as it did in my dream last night. After I told Cam I was moving to New York.

Am I dreaming now? As I search the apartment for some sort of sign, my gaze lands on my left hand. My now diamond-less hand.

What happened to my ring? Why am I back home? Was yesterday a dream? Did I never go to Alice’s? Am I moving to New York?

I need to speak to someone. I need to speak to Cam. I race over to the living-room phone and dial his number. It rings once.

“Hi, you’ve reached Cam. I can’t come to the phone…”

Why isn’t he answering? He’s supposed to be my fiancé. A fiancé should answer even if he’s sleeping. I try to squash my rising hysteria. Something is wrong with my brain. I’m delirious. Maybe I have a brain tumor? I hang up and dial my mother’s hotel number. And then I remember that it’s 6:30 a.m. and hang up before she answers. And then I remember that she’s in Florida and it’s therefore 8:30. Or is it 9:30? I never remember. I call again.

“The hotel has caller ID,” she says. “It’s not nice to prank call your mother.”

“Hi, Mom?” I sit on the couch and try to keep the rising hysteria out of my voice.

“Oh, God, Gabby, you’re not going to believe the day I’m having.”

“Yeah, me, too.”

“Well, me first,” she says. “I was woken up at four this morning by the fire alarm. I had to put on my bathrobe, and wait in the lobby. Naturally it was a false alarm, and a big waste of my time and energy. Anyway, you just caught me. I was on my way to work.”

“I think something is weird with me.”

“Are you throwing up? You’re not pregnant, are you?”

I lie across the couch. “Does being pregnant make you stupid?”

“A little. Are your breasts swollen?”

I examine my braless cleavage. “Not so much.”

“Morning sickness?”

“I don’t think I’m pregnant. It’s just that…Okay, I know this is going to sound weird. But I went to sleep last night at Cam’s and I woke up in my own bed.”

Silence. “Have you been smoking anything?”

“Mom, no.”

“Booze?”

“A little. But not enough to make me go crazy.”

“Moving is stressful, Gabby.”

“And to top it off, Cam proposed last night—”

“He proposed? Now? What a male thing to do. He waits until you quit your job, and then decides to propose? What is wrong with him? With all of them? Your father always tried to control me like that. You’re too young to get married anyway. You can’t get married at twenty-four—”

“Mom—”

“So what did you do?”

“I’m not sure. I thought I said no. But then I went to sleep, and when I woke up I realized I hadn’t said no. But now I’m home again. And not engaged. Is this making any sense?”

“No. You had a weird dream. You’re flying to New York today. Stress is normal. Healthy, even. Or maybe you ate something funny.”

“Maybe the potato salad was off.” But if I hadn’t gone to Alice’s, there would be no potato salad. Was going to Alice’s a dream? “Maybe I came home last night, after I left Cam’s.”

Suddenly, Lila’s door bursts open. “Gabby, it’s six-thirty in the morning here. Some of us don’t have to be up for another thirty minutes.” She’s wearing her long red silk nightgown and her matching fuzzy red slippers. Her blond hair is already tied into a neat ponytail.

“Mom, I have to go. I’ll call you later.” I hang up and turn to Lila. “Am I engaged?”

She narrows her eyes. “Are you kidding?”

I wish. “No. I’m serious.”

“You do remember what happened yesterday, don’t you?”

I remember two yesterdays. “I do, but I’m confused.”

“You turned Cam down. You’re leaving for New York. We said goodbye last night.”

I nod, slowly. Back to single Gabby. Alice’s must have been a dream. A vivid dream. More like a nightmare. I fell asleep worrying about whether or not I’d done the right thing, and I dreamed about what would happen if I had said yes. And the answer: a disaster of a brunch and a church wedding I don’t want.

She studies my face. “Are you feeling all right?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Let me get you an aspirin.”

“Okay. And then I need to get to the airport.”

I watch a movie on the plane. I’m trying not to think about my crack-up, or my new job.

Am I ready for the big time? With my mental condition, I might not even be suited for the small time.

I wonder what Heather will be like. Lila and I always did everything together. Maybe I’ll get lucky and have another roommate turned best friend. Maybe I’ll get even luckier and Heather will have the same shoe size as me. Lila has adorably small feet—her slippers barely fit onto my big toe.

I land in New York, wait twenty minutes for my oversize luggage, another twenty for a taxi line (freezing my butt off—damn it’s cold in this part of the country), have a terrifying journey into the city (both from the speed and jerkiness of the drive, and from the overwhelmingness of it all) and arrive in front of the apartment thirty minutes later. Holy shit. I’m here. I’m in New York. I’m here!

“Here you are,” the cabbie says. “Thirty-fourth and Third.” I do my best not to get run over as I struggle to pull my bags out of the trunk.

“Hi,” I say to the doorman, I take a deep breath to steady my racing heart rate. “I’m Gabby Wolf. You’re supposed to have keys for me?”

He looks behind his desk. “Nope. Nothing for you.”

Terrific. “Um. Has anyone left anything at all for apartment 15D?”

He takes another look. “Nope. But I think Heather’s in.”

“She is?” Thank God.

He picks up his phone and dials. “Heather? You have a visitor. Your name?” he asks me.

“Gabrielle.”

“It’s Gabrielle,” he says, nods and hangs up. “You can go up.”

Why did she make such a big deal about leaving me the keys if she was going to be home? Hello, drama queen.

I roll my bags into the elevator and then off at the fifteenth floor. The carpet is a mousy yellow. It looks like a grandparents’ apartment and smells like chicken soup. Whatever. I’m in New York!

I look both ways and then head to the right. A door opens and a woman is standing in the entranceway. She’s shorter than I expected, about five-two. Her bright turquoise shirt-dress shows off an hourglass figure. Wide hips, and a tiny waist held in by a tight belt. Funky outfit. Her hair is light brown, curly and down to her waist. Her eyes are small and just a bit too close together.

She looks me over. “You’re taller than I expected.”

“Sorry?” Nice to meet you, too.

“I guess you should come in.” She moves over to let me inside. She doesn’t offer to help with my bags.

On the other side of the door is a plain white living room featuring a boring beige, felty, scrawny couch, a red rug, a bookshelf filled with what looks like “How to get him to notice you” self-help books, framed posters of purple flowers and a tiny TV. The first thing I need to buy is a new TV for my room. Lila was never home, so I was allowed to monopolize the one she’d bought for our living room. But I’m not sure if Steak-Knife Heather would appreciate my constant news surfing.

“This is the common space,” she says and then leads me to a room off the hallway. “Your bedroom.”

The room is white and grungy. Tape remnants are stuck to the wall and dust bunnies litter the scraped wooden floor. A large blind-less window looks over Third Avenue. I guess I should have brought that sheet.

Honk!

Honk, honk, honk! Holy shit I’m really in New York!

It gets quiet here at night, right?

Heather heaves the window open. The honking gets louder. “You’ll need to air out the room,” she says. “Leigh was a pig.”

I wheel my luggage into the center of the empty space. “Wait a sec. Where’s my new bed?”

Heather shrugs. “It never arrived.”

You’ve got to be kidding. “What am I supposed to sleep on?”

“What do you want me to do? Call a mattress company.”

Crap. My phone. “I forgot to pack my phone.”

“Where’s the rest of your furniture? Where are you going to put your clothes?”

“At the moment, I’m more concerned with where I’m going to put me.” The couch did not look all that comfortable.

“It’ll probably come tomorrow. Are you hungry? What are you doing for dinner?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t think that far ahead.”

“Do you eat Italian?”

“Sure.” Who doesn’t? “But I’d like to unpack first, if that’s okay,” I say, glancing dubiously at the miniscule closet.

“Obviously. I need to make us a reservation, anyway.”

At least I remembered my Hello Kitty alarm clock. I set the current time and the alarm for tomorrow. Then I pull my work clothes out of my bag and shake them out. I have no idea what I’m going to wear tomorrow for my first day, but whatever it is, it must not be wrinkled. I open the closet to find it…stark free of hangers. Wonderful. “Can I borrow some hangers?”

“I don’t have too many extras.”

Come on. “One? Two? I’ll buy my own tomorrow.”

She sighs and retreats into her bright orange room (which looks bigger than mine from this angle), and returns a few minutes later with three metal hangers, the kind you get at the dry cleaners. “I’ll need these back ASAP.”

I guess we won’t be sharing shoes just yet.

“So what’s your story?” she asks over our Caesar salads. We’re at a table by the window looking onto Lexington. Every time the door opens, a burst of cold air blows through my clothes.

“Which one?”

“Men-wise.”

This is one story I don’t feel like rehashing. “Had a boyfriend. Now I don’t.”

Her eyes gleam. “So you’re single.”

Single. I haven’t been single in years. The word feels foreign in my head, like another language. “I suppose so.”

“Good. I could desperately use a new single friend. All my girls have sold their souls. It’s the worst. Their men are their goddamn appendages. Tell me, why can’t a wife have dinner with her friends one night a week? Will her husband starve?”

“I don’t know.” Cam was actually pretty good about letting me have my own space. Although who knows if that would have changed if we lived together.

“Well, I do. Women let men control their lives. They don’t know how to create boundaries.” She draws a square in the air with her index finger. “They don’t know how to keep their own individuality. At least we’ll have each other. At least you didn’t bail. You wouldn’t believe the freaks I met trying to sublet this place. I wish I could keep the whole apartment on my own, but I’d be broke by Christmas. Leigh moving out totally screwed me, you know. What a bitch.”

If Leigh was a bitch, what does that make Heather? Our server arrives with our raviolis, and I shove a forkful into my mouth in case I’m suddenly tempted to answer my question out loud.

After dinner, I’m in my bedroom, staring at the apartments across the street, my sheets covering my makeshift bed (aka the couch cushions). It’s already eleven, but I doubt I’ll be able to doze off anytime soon.

First of all, it’s only nine my time. Second, I’m terrified of closing my eyes. I’ve been in denial all day, but I can’t ignore that every time I go to sleep, I seem to end up in an alternate reality. And since that isn’t possible, I must just be having weird dreams, right?

Maybe tonight I’ll dream about something normal, like failing a test in high school.

What if I wake up back in Arizona?

No. No, no, no. Must think positively. It won’t happen again! I will wake up in New York! I will…I will…I will…

My eyelids feel heavy. Yes, that’s what’s going to happen. I will wake up in New York. I will wake up back in New York. I will…

Blinding pain. Light.

“This week in sports…”

There’s a fire in my head! I blink twice and open my eyes. Shit.

“Morning, gorgeous,” Cam says. He’s sitting up in bed, shirtless, watching TV. “You must be zonked. It’s already ten.”

I try not to cry. I am going mad. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I tell the difference between dreaming and real life? Why is my brain playing tricks on me? I pull the covers back over my head.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nightmare,” I say.

“About what?”

About what, indeed. “A fire.” My brain is on fire.

“No fires here,” he promises.

I stay hidden until Cam eventually leaves to make us breakfast. “Omelet?” he asks from the kitchen. “Cheese and onion?”

“’Kay,” I answer. I am not coming out. I am temporarily crazy, so I will remain here until it passes. Like the flu.

My stomach starts to growl as the scent of onion and bacon wafts under the sheets. Yum. I doubt Heather is making me anything this good in my real life.

“Since you won’t come out for the chow, the chow is coming to you,” Cam says, placing a tray on my lap. Breakfast in bed. How sweet is that? “Eat, future wife,” he says. “You need your strength.”

I slither out from the sheets, lean up against the headboard and dig in. A girl’s gotta eat, even if she is asleep. “And why is that?” I ask, digging into my omelet.

“Because as soon as you finish, you have to call your parents. It’s not right.”

Yes! The man’s a genius! I’ll speak to my mom. She’ll remember our conversation yesterday. She’ll have to. Mothers know these things, right? They can sense if their children are losing their minds. I reach for the phone as I stuff another forkful of egg into my mouth. “I’m going to call her right now.”

He winks, hands me a napkin and sits down on the edge of the bed beside me. “There’s a good girl.”

I dial her room at her hotel, but she doesn’t answer. So I call her cell. “Mom? It’s me.”

“Oh, so nice of you to call,” she snaps. Do I detect a hard line of sarcasm in her voice? “Anything you’d care to tell me?”

“What are you talking about?” I take another bite of egg. A drop of ketchup smears onto the bedspread. Cam rolls his eyes and points to the napkin.

“Alice called me this morning.”

I smack Cam’s leg. “Oh, no.”

“Oh, yes. Why is it that I heard about my only daughter being engaged from someone other than my daughter? Huh?”

“Sorry, Mom. I didn’t have a chance to call you yesterday.” Was it yesterday? I hear a smash and then a clang. I think she just threw the phone. “Mom?” I wait for her to pick it back up.

“I felt pretty stupid, Gabrielle. Pretty damn stupid. She called me to discuss the wedding, and I didn’t even know there was a wedding! In fact I told her she was mistaken, since you were moving to New York—”

My heart races. “Exactly! Mom, I just spoke to you, remember? About the—” I lower my voice so maybe Cam won’t hear “—move?” I called her yesterday. And discussed it. She has to remember—she’s my mom. Moms have a sixth sense, don’t they?

“Yes, just last week you said—”

Last week? No, it was yesterday! Or do I mean today? “What day is it?”

“It’s Sunday. And it’s been an awful day. First I was woken up at 4:00 a.m.—”

My blood runs cold. “Because of a fire alarm.”

Silence. “How did you know that?”

“You told me! Yesterday!”

“How could I have told you yesterday when it just happened?”

“You told me. Don’t joke. You don’t remember?”

“How could I have told you? You’re pulling my leg. Was it on the wire? There better not have been a reporter there. I was in my bathrobe. Do you need a quote?”

“No.” My head hurts. How is this possible? I spoke to my mother and she told me about the fire alarm. Yesterday. Or today. Am I living each day twice?

“Anyway, Gabrielle, I’m upset with you. How you could get engaged is beyond me. How you could get engaged without telling me is despicable.”

This is way weird. My mom told me about the fire alarm yesterday. Yesterday. “I’ll call you later,” I tell her and hang up. I look up at Cam.

He’s looking at me strangely. “What was that all about?”

“Nothing,” I murmur. “You know my mother. Sometimes she makes no sense.”

“Didn’t she want to talk to me? You know? Congratulations? Welcome to the family?”

“I’ll be right back.” I hurry to the bathroom. I close the door firmly and press my back against the door. My head pounds.

When did this craziness start? When was the beginning of my double life? I retrace my mental steps. Today is Sunday in Arizona. I’m engaged. Yesterday was Sunday in New York. I wasn’t engaged. The day before that was Saturday in Arizona. I woke up in the desert. We had brunch at Alice’s. The day before that was also Saturday in Arizona. I also woke up in the desert. I told Cam I didn’t want to marry him. I finished packing.

So what happened the night before that?

I shut my eyes firmly and try to visualize the night in question. The night that Cam proposed. The night we were lying in the back of the truck, watching the falling stars.

It can’t be. It can’t.

My wish? My wish. I wished I didn’t have to choose. That I could live both lives. Stay with Cam and move to New York. Have it all.

I sink to the bath mat. It’s not possible. Is it? How else can I explain what’s happening? How else can I rationalize how I’ve been living two separate lives?

I tell Cam I need to borrow his truck to return to my place to pick up a few last-minute things.

“Like what?”

“Clothes, makeup…not that I have anywhere to put any of it.”

“I’ll make some space.”

Instead of going to my apartment, I stop by the emergency room to see if there is something wrong with my head. Like a brain tumor. After a few hours, I finally get to see a doctor.

“Lately, I’ve been existing in two universes,” I tell him. “Is that a psychological condition?”

He rubs his chin, looks into my eyes with a flashlight and asks me if I’ve been under a lot of stress.

“A little,” I say.

“You look okay to me,” he says. “Try to get some sleep. Do you want antibiotics?”

“No thanks.” I decide not to tell him the whole story. It’s not like he’s going to believe me. If this is real and I’m not going bonkers, then someone else in the world must have gone through this, too. Someone who can tell me how to make it stop.

Back in my old apartment, I get comfy on the futon, laptop on my knees, and try to figure out what the hell has happened to me.

I Google multiple lives and get over forty-three million hits. There are mentions of reincarnation, cats and, inexplicably, real estate. But nothing about my weirdo predicament. I try alternative lives and get another thirty thousand hits. Most of these are scenarios of regret. About what could have/would have/should have been. Then I land on something called Many-Worlds Interpretation. According to Wikipedia, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Multiverse, many-worlds is defined as: “…an interpretation of quantum mechanics that proposes the existence of multiple universes, all of which are identical, but exist in possibly different states.” Different states? Does that mean parallel universes?

I keep reading and reading and my heart pounds louder with every click, with every article. “These different states are caused by a divergence that splits the universe into two.” I discover that there is a whole theory in quantum mechanics (whatever the hell that is) that believes that whenever there is a choice, or a possibility, reality splits into a new world. Therefore, there is a new independent world for every different possibility. Anything that could happen does happen. There are books and information about this theory all over the Internet. There are over twenty thousand hits on this on Google. People have done experiments on this theory. Real scientists.

Could this really have happened to me? Yes. Yeeessss. My life verged the morning after Cam proposed. I’m not crazy. I am not crazy! What happened to me has been written about! Wahoo! Perhaps there’s a support group?

I get slightly nervous when one of the sites says that communication between these distinct universes in not possible, because I am, in fact, communicating with myself.

I search for another hour without finding anything specific. Not that it would help. Even though there are thousands of pages about many worlds, they’re all theoretical. There aren’t any real-life examples. As though no one else has gone through anything like this.

No one except me.

I keep reading and searching and end up seeing a lot of phrases like wave function collapse and relative state, which make me wish I’d taken a science class in college. I spend the next three hours searching until my eyes are tired. I type in green light, headache and wish, but still, nothing.

I close my computer and lie back. What I’ve learned today is that while there are lots of theories about multiple lives, no one has ever written an account of it happening. But if so many people have thought about it, written about it, and theorized about it, isn’t it possible? You can’t rule something out just because it can’t be proven, can you? There are like a million religions and none of them can be proven!

If the many-worlds theory is true, then everyone exists in multiple universes. There are many versions of me around, right now. There are many versions of everyone around, right now. Whenever anyone has to make a choice, a new version of her or him pops up. There’s a me who never dated Cam in the first place. There’s a me who went away to UCLA. There’s a me whose parents never divorced.

That seems a bit insane. There can’t be an infinite number of mes. Can there?

As a kid, I remember asking my dad how many stars there were. Living in California, he thought I meant celebrities and asked me if I meant movie, TV or both. When I clarified that I meant stars in the sky, he laughed and said, “It’s infinite.”

“How can that be?” I asked him.

“They go on forever and ever.”

“But how?”

“That’s just the way it is,” he said, playing with my hair. “Space, time, stars—they all go on forever.”

If all those things are infinite, then why can’t versions of people be infinite, too? Why not choices? And if so, did I somehow stumble into the ability to exist in two of these worlds?

Or maybe I just stumbled into the ability to remain conscious in two of these worlds.

At four, I hear Lila’s key in the door. “Hi, guys,” she says.

“It’s just me!” I holler, closing the laptop. As nonjudgmental as she is, she’d still think I was nuts.

Lila goes through her cleansing/changing routine and then joins me in my room. “What happened to you? I thought your flight was this morning. Where have you been? What’s going on?” she asks, sitting on the side of my futon.

I wave my bejeweled hand. “Change of plan. I’m not going to New York.”

Her jaw drops. “No way. I don’t believe it.”

“It’s true.” Half-true.

“Wow.” Smiling, she leans over and hugs me. “Congrats!”

“Thanks.”

“But Gabby, what about the new job?”

I shrug. “A person can’t have everything.” Most people, anyway. Apparently, I am not most people.

She gives me a hopeful look. “Does that mean you’re not moving out?”

I shake my head. “No, you’re still getting your home office. I’m moving in with Cam.”

She sticks her tongue out at me. “Aw. You lucky girl.”

“You know what?” I say. “I might be.” I’d choose lucky over crazy, anyway.

On my way back to Cam’s, I’m strangely invigorated. My wish came true. It must have. It’s the only explanation. My body feels alive and tingly. I decide not to tell Cam about my self and my other self—it’s not like he’d believe it. Who would? I barely believe it myself.

I find him in the backyard, surrounded by sawdust and some sort of table with a mirror.

“What are you doing?”

“Building you a vanity table for the bedroom,” he says, while hammering. “So you can have somewhere to put your makeup and jewelry and stuff. I got you a lamp, too, because I’m not sure there’s going to be enough light…. Do you like it? I still have to build the bench.”

I am so touched, I almost cry.

While he finishes, we return to his parents’ for Sunday night dinner. Afterward, we go straight to bed and I seduce him immediately.

“That was fun,” he says afterward. “Three nights in a row. Life is good.”

“Yes, it was,” I say, laying my head on his chest. His heart rate is beginning to slow.

“What are your plans for tomorrow?” he asks.

Tomorrow! I start work tomorrow. In New York. A fiancé in Arizona and a new job in New York. I really do get to have it all—except a job here. “Try to get my job back.”

“My mom mentioned that she wants to start planning the wedding….”

“Of course she does.”

“Have you given any thought to getting married in May?”

“Whatever you want, babe.” Since I’m only half getting married, why not meet Alice halfway?

His eyes light up like a slot machine. “Really? And what about the church?”

Halfway does not include churches. Then again, maybe it can. If I ever get married in New York, I can do it any way I want. And to someone else. It wouldn’t even be bigamy. Legally, that is. “Whatever makes you happy,” I tell him with a smile. But I’m still not converting.

He kisses my forehead and promptly falls asleep.

My thoughts are too loud and crazy to let me drift off. I’m wondering how to best take advantage of my fabulous science experiment.

Should I try out different hairstyles? Go blond in one reality, stay brunette in the other? What about different diets? No carbs in one, low-fat in the other, and see which version of me loses more weight? Invest in real estate in one, stocks in the other?

Check the winning lottery number in one, choose that number in the other? Though supposedly, the two universes have nothing to do with each other. The guy who wins in the first reality might remain a poor slob in the other. But it’s worth looking into.

The possibilities are endless, and I’m going to enjoy every one of them. I’m going to live it up.

Life is good. Both of them.