Читать книгу Violated: A Shocking and Harrowing Survival Story From the Notorious Rotherham Abuse Scandal - Sarah Wilson, Sarah Wilson - Страница 9

When I first saw Amir and his friends standing in the playground, I was a bit confused. I recognised them straight away. There was a big group of Asian men who hung around outside my school, and I’d often seen them there at the end of the day. I’d never felt threatened by them, but I knew they were much older than I was. They must have been at least thirty.

‘Hey,’ Amir said casually, as Nadine and I pushed through the front gate. ‘Who’s this, then?’

I shot Nadine a bewildered look, but she pretended not to notice. Surely this couldn’t be her boyfriend? He almost looked old enough to be her dad. Plus, Nadine had told me he was really fit, and this guy just looked a bit scruffy. He was really short, with messy black hair and stubble that looked days old.

‘This is Sarah,’ Nadine said. I wasn’t sure why I felt uneasy as my eyes met Amir’s, but my stomach twisted uncomfortably.

‘Sarah,’ Amir echoed, taking a drag of the joint in his left hand. ‘I’m Amir. This is Rahim and Saif.’

I didn’t pay much attention to Saif, but Rahim wouldn’t stop looking at me. He was a bit scruffy too, but he was slightly better looking than Amir. If he hadn’t had a massive beard, he might even have been fit. Still, he made me feel weird. I wondered why he wouldn’t take his eyes off me and I wanted to tell him to stop, but I kept my mouth shut because I knew Nadine would tell me off if I showed her up.

‘How old are you, Sarah?’ Amir asked.

‘I’m fifteen,’ I replied, without thinking. ‘I’m the same age as Nadine.’

I expected Nadine and the men to burst out laughing. There was no way I looked fifteen. Baby-faced and flat-chested in my kids’ tracksuit, I was still very much a child. To my surprise, Nadine stayed silent as Rahim flashed Amir a smile.

Amir whispered something in Nadine’s ear and she giggled. Then he led her away to another part of the playground. I could feel the panic welling up inside me as I realised I was alone with Rahim and Saif. I wanted to plead with Nadine to stay, but I already sensed that doing what Amir wanted was way more important to her than looking out for me.

I took a big gulp of the cider Nadine had just bought me as I realised Rahim’s eyes were still boring into me.

‘You’re pretty, Sarah,’ he said. ‘I’ve noticed you around.’

The cider was beginning to make my brain feel cloudy, but even in my tipsy state I knew something didn’t add up.

‘Where have you seen me?’ I asked nervously.

‘Just around town,’ Rahim replied. I fixed my eyes on the ground so I didn’t have to make eye contact with him. It didn’t take a genius to work out where Rahim had seen me: coming out of school, while he was standing outside.

I’d never paid much attention to him or any of his friends before. In light of everything that has been reported by the media, it sounds silly – but back then it didn’t seem strange that there were always groups of Asian men gathered by the school gates. Lots of the kids in my class came from big Asian families and many of the men looked old enough to be their dads, while the younger men could easily have been uncles or older siblings. How was I to know what they were planning? Or why they were being so nice to me and what they wanted from me?

‘Are you a virgin, Sarah?’ Saif said. ‘I bet you’re not.’

I’d just taken another swig of cider and I almost spat it out in shock. Of course I was a virgin, I was still at primary school, but the question felt like a test and I wasn’t sure what the right answer was. Now I felt really uncomfortable. I looked over at where Nadine had gone but I couldn’t see her. I could feel the panic rising; why would they ask that?

‘Why do you want to know?’ I asked, bewildered.

‘We just do,’ said Rahim. He waited for my answer, but I stayed silent. ‘Well, are you?’

‘Yeah,’ I replied, my face burning scarlet with humiliation. I knew my answer might make me sound uncool, but I knew next to nothing about sex and I didn’t want to trip myself up by lying.

Rahim and Saif laughed. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I joined in.

‘You must be joking,’ Rahim said. ‘There’s no way you’re a virgin. You’re way too pretty to be a virgin.’

‘I am,’ I replied quietly. No one was laughing any more. Certainly not me.

‘You’re fifteen and you’re still a virgin?’ Saif said. I suddenly remembered I’d lied about my age. There was absolutely no chance Rahim and Saif believed me – they’d seen me coming out of my primary school, after all – but I felt I had to keep up the pretence so I didn’t look like an idiot. To most people, fifteen still seems too young to have sex, and rightly so, but Nadine certainly wasn’t a virgin and neither were any of her other friends. On our estate, with little else to do to occupy their time, most girls had sex for the first time long before their sixteenth birthdays.

‘Yeah, so what?’ I said, hoping they’d change the subject. I could feel my cheeks flushing with embarrassment. I thought about Nadine and her huge, womanly breasts and how different our bodies looked. I didn’t even own a bra. How could anyone possibly believe we were the same age?

‘Yeah, right,’ Rahim said. ‘No chance.’

‘Tell her about the test,’ Saif chipped in.

‘Oh, yeah,’ Rahim replied. ‘The test.’

I gripped my cider bottle tightly as my insides tensed violently. ‘Test?’ I echoed. I was suddenly conscious of how squeaky and high-pitched my voice was, of how much I sounded like a child. Rahim grabbed my legs and pushed them together. I squirmed as he touched me.

‘Relax, Sarah,’ he told me. ‘Why are you so uptight?’

‘I’m fine,’ I lied. Rahim didn’t let go of my legs, each of his hands pressing against my thighs.

‘What do you think?’ he asked Saif.

‘There’s a gap,’ Saif said, grinning. ‘Definitely.’

I had no idea what they were talking about and Rahim was starting to hurt me. I wanted to ask him to let go, but I couldn’t find my voice.

‘That’s what I thought,’ Rahim said. He turned to me. ‘We know you’re not a virgin. You’re lying.’

‘What?’ I replied, the panic clear in my voice. I had no idea how they could tell whether or not I’d had sex just by looking at my legs, but I didn’t know enough to question them. Rahim’s hands had now wandered around my legs, resting on the insides of my thighs, close to the crotch of my tracksuit bottoms. He kept them there for a moment before prising my legs open.

‘Okay, close your legs again,’ he told me. I did as he said. I didn’t know what else to do – I was too young to know what was going on. He rested his hands near my crotch once more.

‘I told you to relax,’ he said. I sensed a hint of aggression in his voice and it scared me. ‘Now, you see this little gap between your thighs?’ I nodded meekly, not wanting to make him angry. ‘That means you’re not a virgin.’

‘If you close your legs and your thighs are touching, you’re a virgin,’ Saif said. ‘If they’re not, you’ve had sex before.’

As an adult, I can see how completely ridiculous this ‘test’ was, but back then I was so naive that I began to doubt myself. I was sure I was a virgin, but what if I wasn’t? If I’d never had sex before, why didn’t my thighs touch like they should? A hundred different questions were swirling around in my brain. I was confused, full of self-doubt and beginning to believe these men who were much older and more experienced than me. Maybe I’d had sex when I’d been drunk and I’d blacked out and forgotten. Had I lost my virginity without realising?

‘We can always tell,’ Rahim added. ‘So there’s no point in lying to us. How many men have you had sex with?’

‘I bet it’s loads,’ Saif said. I felt a lump forming in my throat and I had to swallow hard.

‘Where’s Nadine?’ I asked desperately.

‘Where do you think she is?’ Rahim laughed. ‘She’s round the corner giving Amir a blow job.’

Even though Nadine was so outspoken about her sex life, I was still shocked. I didn’t think she’d be brave enough to give someone a blow job in my school playground, where anyone could catch them – especially as Amir was so much older than she was. I thought they’d maybe be kissing, nothing more than that. I prayed she’d come back soon. I really didn’t like standing in my school playground in the daylight with a group of much older men who were talking about stuff that made me feel nervous. For the first time since I’d started hanging around with Nadine, I really wanted to go home.

‘Bet you know all about blow jobs too,’ Saif said. ‘I bet you give blow jobs all the time.’

‘Would you like to give me a blow job?’ Rahim asked.

I felt blood rushing to my head. I didn’t know the first thing about blow jobs. To me, Rahim was creepy and disgusting. I didn’t want to touch him, let alone do that with him.

‘No,’ I replied. ‘I don’t want to.’

‘Oh, come on, Sarah,’ he said. ‘I really like you. I think you’re lovely, I really do. I’ve wanted to talk to you for ages.’ He slid his hand along my thigh again. ‘You’re special.’

‘No,’ I said again. ‘What if we get caught?’

‘We won’t,’ Rahim replied. ‘No one comes round here at night – it’s just us.’

‘They might,’ I said.

‘They won’t. No one will ever know,’ he said. ‘It can be our little secret.’

Those words reverberated round my head. Our little secret. At that moment, Nadine and Amir came back round the corner and I felt dizzy with relief.

Walking home, I confided in Nadine about Rahim.

‘He asked me to give him a blow job,’ I said, thinking she’d be shocked.

‘Well, did you?’ she asked.

‘No, of course not.’

‘Why not? He’s well fit.’

‘Because it’s disgusting.’

Nadine looked at me like I was mad. ‘It’s not disgusting. Everybody does it. You should just get it over with.’

A few nights later, I met Nadine at the pub after school. As usual, she’d helped herself to some money from her mum’s purse. We stopped at the shop and got another of the local down-and-outs to pick us up two bottles of Mad Dog before we headed for the school playground.

‘Amir and Rahim are going to chill with us again,’ she said casually. I could feel my face falling. I wanted it to go back to how it was before, just Nadine and me, having a laugh and getting drunk together. But now that I’d met Amir and his friends, I sensed things were different.

‘Oh, right,’ I replied, trying to sound enthusiastic. ‘Cool.’

‘Rahim really fancies you,’ Nadine said. ‘He thinks you’re really pretty.’

I blushed and said nothing. In fact, I hardly opened my mouth for the rest of the walk to the school. I didn’t like Rahim but, as much as it pains me to say it, I was still a tiny bit flattered by the compliment. No one had ever called me pretty before, and it was kind of nice to hear.

But as soon as I saw Rahim in the playground I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. His eyes fixed on me straight away and I felt awkward. Dressed in my tracksuit and trainers, without a scrap of make-up, I didn’t feel glamorous, or pretty like he’d said I was. I felt like a little girl. I was a little girl. How could he, a man who had to be almost thirty, possibly fancy me?

‘Hey, Sarah,’ he said.

‘Hi,’ I mumbled in response. This time, Nadine and Amir didn’t disappear straight away. The four of us sat together on the edge of the flower beds, chatting and drinking for a while. I say the four of us – I didn’t say much. Nadine, Amir and Rahim talked about sex non-stop while I gulped back my bottle of Mad Dog, barely tasting it. I was now drinking heavily at least three times a week, but because I was so young I still got drunk pretty quickly.

‘It must be shit being a virgin,’ Nadine said, looking straight at me. ‘Virgins don’t know what they’re missing.’

‘You’re right,’ Rahim chimed in. ‘They don’t.’

For the next half an hour, they traded sex stories: where they’d done it, who they’d done it with, who they wanted to do it with. Nadine said Amir was her boyfriend but he didn’t seem to mind her talking about all the lads she’d shagged before she met him. In fact, Amir and Rahim seemed more like teenage boys than grown men, their eyes widening every time Nadine spoke about all the things she’d done with boys.

‘We should have a party at mine sometime,’ Amir said. ‘Have you got any other girls, Nadine?’

‘Yeah, I could find you loads,’ she replied.

I thought this was a bit odd: if Amir was going out with Nadine, why was he bothered about other girls?

‘Yeah, bring some girls,’ Rahim said. ‘And we’ll bring all our mates. There will be loads of lads too.’

As the sugary alcohol hit me, I loosened up a little. I became less aware of the creepy way Rahim was looking at me. Maybe if Nadine brought along some other friends he’d forget about me altogether and go for someone older. Before long, I even started to have a laugh. I’m just being uptight, I told myself. Nadine’s older friends aren’t so bad after all.

But I’d just lit a fag when I felt a cold hand settle on my knee. I tried to move away from Rahim, but he gripped my leg more tightly than before.

‘When are you going to give me that blow job, then?’ he asked, grinning at me. I inhaled sharply as I took a drag of my fag.

‘I told you before,’ I said quietly. ‘No.’

‘Oh, go on, Sarah,’ Nadine piped up. ‘He likes you. It won’t kill you.’

I shot her a look. For the first time I was really angry with her, not that I would ever have dared tell her that. She knew fine well I didn’t want to give Rahim a blow job. But she stayed silent, as did Amir. I realised all eyes were on me.

‘I told you before,’ Rahim said. ‘It can be our little secret. We won’t get caught.’

‘Rahim, give us a minute,’ Nadine said. ‘Come with me, Sarah.’

Nadine took me just out of earshot of Amir and Rahim. I stupidly hoped she’d had a change of heart. Maybe she’d tell me I didn’t need to do anything with Rahim if I didn’t want to. I hoped she might even say I didn’t need to see him ever again, because he gave me the creeps.

‘What’s up with you?’ she asked. Her face was red and blotchy, the way it always went when she’d been drinking.

‘I don’t want to do anything with Rahim,’ I replied. ‘He’s creepy.’

‘Oh, come on, Sarah,’ she said. ‘He’s not creepy, he’s Amir’s mate. Get a grip. He likes you.’

‘But he’s really old!’ I protested.

‘I told you before, older guys are better,’ Nadine said. ‘You might as well just get it over with. Once you’ve done it once, you’ll know what to do.’

‘I don’t want to,’ I repeated, my voice wavering.

Nadine was losing her patience now, and I could sense her irritation. ‘If you don’t give him a blow job now, he’ll get one elsewhere.’

‘But –’ I began.

She cut me off sharply. ‘Do you really want him to get head from someone else?’ she asked. ‘Is that what you want, Sarah?’

Sometimes Nadine asked me questions and I sensed there was only one answer I was allowed to give. This was one of those times. I was so scared of losing her that I’d have done anything to stop her from falling out with me.

‘I suppose not,’ I replied.

‘Good,’ she said.

There was nothing else I could say. Nadine was not someone you said no to; I had known that from the first time I’d met her in the pub. She’d intimidated me then and she was intimidating me now. I knew there was no way out of it.

We walked back over to Amir and Rahim. Nadine gave Rahim a little wink and he brushed his fingers against my leg.

‘Come with me,’ he ordered. I silently followed him to the other side of the playground, behind the school building. It was hard to believe that, just a few hours before, I’d been in one of the classrooms doing things a normal eleven-year-old should be doing, and now here I was with a man almost three times my age doing something I shouldn’t even know about.

From then on, everything seemed to happen in slow motion. First, Rahim dropped his black tracksuit bottoms, then his white boxer shorts. Bile was rising in my throat as his clothes fell to the floor. I wanted to run away, to scream, but I was rooted to the spot, and when I opened my mouth no sound would come out.

‘Remember, this is our little secret,’ he whispered.

Without saying another word, he grabbed my head and pushed it into his crotch.

When I got home that night, Mum was in as it was her night off. I pushed past her and ran straight to my room. She was calling after me, asking if I was okay, but I didn’t want to speak to her. I didn’t want to speak to anyone.

The only thing I remember is that I wasn’t crying. What I’d just done was horrible, so horrible it made me sick to my stomach, but as hard as I tried, the tears wouldn’t come. I was completely numb.

I pushed my bedroom door open and Laura’s bed was empty. After Dad left, she’d taken to sleeping in Mum’s bed from time to time. I was glad she wasn’t there. I needed to be alone more than I ever had before.

As I undressed, I felt dirty and ashamed. I wanted to get into the shower and scrub myself until my skin was red raw, but I didn’t because Mum might suspect something was up if she heard the water running. I hadn’t even known what to do; I’d just sort of guessed. But somehow, I felt like it was my fault. I wasn’t sure why, but I felt like I was to blame for it happening.

I climbed into bed and pulled my covers over my head. I was still drunk and the room was spinning, but the thoughts inside my head seemed clearer than ever. I was home now, tucked up in my own bed with Mum downstairs, so why didn’t I feel safe?

I closed my eyes and tried to sleep, but all I could see was Rahim, half-naked in the playground, trousers round his ankles, with his horrible, creepy grin.

Why did I feel like my life would never be the same again?