Читать книгу Come Away With Me - Sara MacDonald, Sara MacDonald - Страница 16

The next day I got dressed and went downstairs. Ruth had been coming home earlier since I’d been in the house and working in the evenings.

In the afternoon I was in the kitchen with her when Adam came in, slamming the front door and calling out he was home. I felt a little thrill. I was getting to know his routine. I was getting to know him. I loved watching him move around in the clumsy way boys have. I loved his sweet boy smell. He seemed so strangely, intrinsically dear.

Ruth had said to me, ‘Adam is comfortable with you, Jenny. You’re good with him. He can be very awkward with some people; he’s got to that age.’

When Peter and Ruth were busy, Adam and I watched television together or listened to his music or played cards.

‘I wish you could stay longer,’ Ruth said now. ‘I know you’re better, but you still look frail. Unfortunately, Adam and I are going down to Cornwall; it’s his half-term and I promised him we’d go. It’s a bit of a disappointment for Adam that Peter can’t come. Something’s come up and he’s off to Israel again.’

‘I’m fine, Ruth, and I must get back to work. I’ve got a couple of appointments I didn’t keep. I can’t thank you enough for having me for so long.’

‘Couldn’t the appointments wait until another time? I wish you’d go straight home. I’d feel much happier putting you on the train for London before I leave. You don’t look well enough for work.’

‘There are a couple of people I need to see. A night in a hotel, then I’ll go home.’

‘Then why don’t you stay on here? You’re welcome to as long as you don’t find an empty house depressing.’

‘Really? It would be great as long as you really don’t mind,’ I said, feeling relieved.

‘Of course I don’t.’ She moved to hug me and involuntarily I stiffened.

She looked hurt and I said quickly, ‘I’m sorry. I find it difficult to…in case I dissolve.’

Ruth smiled. ‘It’s OK. I understand. I just can’t imagine what you’re going through. Forgive me if I’ve been insensitive, talking too much about myself and my child.’

I drew away from her abruptly. My child. My child. I walked away and looked out of the window at the wintry garden, and the pain pulled and wrenched at my heart. I said brightly, steadying my voice, my back to Ruth, ‘Where are you staying in Cornwall?’

Ruth was fitting bread into the toaster. ‘Do you remember my godmother? A rather eccentric old lady who painted?’

‘Down in St Minyon? In the thatched house by the creek? She used to take us fishing and give us wonderful teas.’

‘That’s Sarah. Well, she left me that little cottage. I rent it out most of the time. But we always try to go down once or twice a year. Adam is mad about birdwatching.’

‘Your parents always disapproved of her, didn’t they?’

‘Didn’t they just? She disapproved of them too. I could never understand how she came to be my godmother.’ Ruth stopped buttering toast and came over to me. ‘You know when we met on the train? I’d gone up to London to try to find out about my biological parents. Before they sent me out to Arran my parents handed me my birth certificate. They refused to tell me anything. My real mother’s name is not the same as my godmother’s, but there must have been some link, don’t you think?’

‘Couldn’t you find out?’

‘Yes, I could, but I don’t want to know any more how different my life might have been. So, you see, Adam is the one person who shares my blood. Thank God I have him.’

I breathed deeply. ‘It’s a fantastic place to be left a cottage.’

‘I’ve kept all her things exactly as they were. It feels like my real home. Perhaps when I stop having a career I’ll retire there.’

‘Would Peter enjoy that?’

Ruth gave me an odd look. ‘My decisions in life can’t always be based on what someone else likes, only what’s right for me, or Adam.’

I watched her face. It was such an exclusive remark. It separated her and the boy from Peter, as if he were not part of their family. Yet he seemed such a kind man and devoted to them both. Ruth, embarrassed, said abruptly, ‘That came out all wrong. It sounds hard. Oh God, Jenny, I’ve been on my own for so long, it’s not easy sustaining a relationship. Peter wants to start a family. He would love me to give up work and have babies. But I love my job. I’m happy. I’ve done the hard times.’ She met my eyes. ’I’m ambitious. I admit it.’

‘Peter is away a lot, so presumably he’s pretty ambitious and involved in his work too?’

Ruth looked miserable. ‘I think he’s away more than he needs to be because the child issue is unresolved between us.’

That evening round the supper table I watched Peter and Ruth. They talked in a companionable, friendly way, but they were too polite with each other, too careful. They never touched or exchanged a look. They were not like Tom and I had been together.

That night I couldn’t sleep. I lay thinking about Adam and about his life in this house. I thought of him lying in bed below me and I had a sudden urge to watch him sleep. I went down the thick carpeted stairs, tense for any creaks. His room was next to the bathroom and the door was ajar. I held my breath, pushed it open and peered into the room.

He lay on his back, one hand thrown out. He looked smaller and younger in sleep, vulnerable in his blue-striped pyjamas. He stirred and turned away from me, pulling his legs up with a little grunt.

I watched the way his hair grew round his face and conviction flared inside me. I turned quickly, pulled the door to and went on down to the kitchen for water from the fridge and a reason to be walking about at night.

Peter left for the airport before I woke. Ruth and Adam were up early, gathering things together for the long journey to Cornwall. They were going to drive away and leave me here.

‘Will you be all right, Jenny? I hate to leave you. You must take care of yourself.’

‘Why don’t you come?’ Adam said suddenly. ‘It’ll be company for Mum now Peter can’t come.’

My throat was dry and I couldn’t answer for longing to go with him.

‘Darling,’ Ruth said quickly, ‘Jenny has a busy life and people expecting her in London. But maybe one day, when you go to see your parents we could be in Cornwall at the same time?’

‘Yes,’ I said and smiled at Adam. ‘Thank you for asking me. Have a wonderful holiday, both of you.’

At the door Ruth kissed me carefully.

‘Thank you for everything,’ I said. ‘I’ll post the keys through the letter box, shall I?’

Ruth nodded. ‘I’ll call you.’

I watched Adam bumping his knapsack down the steps, his hair flopping over his face. He threw his head back and turned and grinned up at me, and the pain lived and breathed inside me.

‘’Bye,’ he called. ‘See you again.’

I watched them until the car turned at the end of the street. I stood on the steps of the house where this boy lived until they disappeared. Then I closed the door.