Читать книгу A Family Made At Christmas - Scarlet Wilson, Scarlet Wilson - Страница 10
ОглавлениеWHAT ON EARTH am I doing?
April spent the whole time on the motorway questioning herself. Riley’s hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles were white. He’d looked pale this morning. As if he hadn’t slept a wink.
By the time the satnav took them into the Birmingham street, the tension was so high she felt as if it could propel the car into the sky. As he killed the engine she leaned over and put one of her hands over his. She really didn’t want to touch him. Touching Riley did strange things to her senses, but this wasn’t about her. This was about a little boy.
‘Stop.’
‘What?’
‘Just...stop.’
He pulled back his hands and sat back in the seat. ‘What are you talking about?’
She could see the tension across his shoulders, reaching up into his jaw.
‘You can’t go in there like this.’
‘What?’ The anger that had been simmering beneath the surface was threatening to crack through.
‘This is the first time Finn will see you. None of this is his fault. He’s about to meet his dad—someone he’s only seen in a photograph before.’
She lifted up her hand as Riley opened his mouth to speak. ‘I thought about this last night. I told you I don’t have any experience with kids, but what do I think this little boy needs to hear?’ She leaned a little closer to him. ‘I think he needs to hear his dad loves him. His dad is going to look after him and stay with him. His dad is his family and you’ll always be together.’
He frowned and then his face relaxed and he shook his head. ‘I know. I know that’s exactly what I should say.’ He lifted one hand and ran it through his hair. ‘I spoke to my brother last night.’
Her stomach twisted. ‘Isn’t he in Scotland?’
Riley nodded. ‘He’s on a training exercise. There’s supposed to be radio silence. But the Colonel made some arrangements for me. Dan was blown away. Says he can’t wait to meet Finn.’
‘Good. That’s great. At least you know you’ll have the support of your family.’ Then she tilted her head to the side. Something seemed just a little off. ‘What aren’t you saying? Did you speak to your mum and dad?’
He shook his head and put one hand back on the steering wheel. ‘That’s the one thing Dan actually understands. My mum and dad will be great. They’ll be overwhelmed. They’ve always wanted a grandchild. But—’
‘But what? Don’t you need all the help you can get?’
Riley hesitated. ‘My mum...has the best of intentions. I love her. I really do. But she’ll want to take over. She’ll pick up her life and sweep right down.’
‘Ah...and you don’t want that?’
Riley smiled. ‘Maybe...eventually. But right now I need to get to know Finn. I need to spend some time with him. Like I said, I have no idea about five-year-old boys.’
April shook her head. ‘Well, that’s a strange thing to say.’
He shrugged. ‘Why?’
She lifted her hands. ‘Because you’ve been one. Your brother has been one. You know all you need to know about five-year-old boys.’
He shifted in his seat and pulled his phone from his pocket. ‘Look at this.’ He opened an app. ‘This is what I bought last night.’
She leaned forward to glance at the screen and couldn’t help the little laugh that came out. ‘A parenting guide? You bought a parenting guide?’ She started shaking her head.
‘What? I told you. I don’t know anything. Anything at all.’
She leaned back against the seat and looked over at him. Riley Callaghan was just about to change before her eyes. The doctor, the soldier and the cheeky charmer was about to take on a whole new role. She admired him for his fear. She admired him for wanting to get to know Finn without letting his mother take over.
Her mouth dried. This was a whole world that she’d never know. She’d already made the decision. She’d never have kids. Her biological clock would never be allowed to tick. When her sister had died it had almost been like watching herself in a mirror. Mallory hadn’t had the information that she had. April’s genetic testing had only been approved because of Mallory’s diagnosis and a look back through the family history. If she ignored the results she would be disrespecting her sister’s memory. She could never do that.
But this time of year was especially hard. Her heart gave a little squeeze as she thought of her parents. Before this—before any of this—her mother had always joked she would like a house filled with grandchildren once she retired. But that would never happen now.
And even though her mum and dad fully supported her decision, she knew they had a secret ache for the future life they were losing.
‘April?’
Riley’s voice pulled her from her thoughts. She gave him a soft smile and wrestled in her pocket for her own phone. She turned it around so he could see her Internet search: Top ten Christmas toys for five-year-old boys.
Riley groaned. ‘Christmas. It’s only six weeks away. I made no plans because I thought I’d be in Sierra Leone. I don’t even have a Christmas tree.’
‘It’s the middle of November. You have time.’
He was staring at her with those bright green eyes. There was silence for a few seconds. She shifted in her seat and brought her hand up to wipe her cheek. ‘What is it—do I have something on my face?’
‘Why wouldn’t you talk to me before?’
She was surprised. ‘I did. We spoke about patients all the time.’
He gave a gentle shake of his head. ‘But you wouldn’t talk to me about anything else.’ He paused and continued with his curious stare. ‘April, why did you tell me you were good at funerals?’
She could sense his wariness in asking the question. But he’d still asked. He was like this at work too. He always asked patients the difficult questions. Always spoke to the surgeons about the risks and possibilities.
This time he reached out and touched her hand. ‘April, did you lose someone? Were you married?’
She closed her eyes for a second. Riley had only been there four weeks. Word obviously hadn’t reached him. Then again, the turnover of staff at Waterloo Court could be high. Not everyone knew her background and she preferred it that way.
This wasn’t normally something she would share. But she’d just shared a major part of Riley’s life. If they’d been on the ward, she would have found a way to dodge the question. But, alone in the confines of the car, there was nowhere to hide. And she didn’t want to tell a lie.
‘I lost my sister,’ she said quietly.
The warmth of his hand was flooding through her system. ‘When?’
‘Eighteen months ago.’
‘Was it an accident?’
She licked her lips. She should have known he would press for more details. This was hard. Probably because she hadn’t really shared with anyone before. Probably because she didn’t want them to figure out the next step. ‘No. It wasn’t an accident.’ The rest of the words stuck somewhere in the back of her throat. She didn’t mention the cancer. She didn’t mention the fact they were twins. She didn’t mention the genetic tests. These were all things that Riley Callaghan didn’t need to know.
By some grace, he didn’t ask any more. He didn’t ask those details. ‘You organised the funeral?’
She nodded. ‘She was my sister. My mum and dad were devastated—we all were—but it seemed the one thing I could do that made me feel a little better, a little more in control.’ She took a deep breath and met his gaze, trying not to think that his hand was still covering hers. ‘So, I can help you with that. If I can find a few of Isabel’s friends, talk to some of them, I can make the practical arrangements for you, and you can focus on Finn.’
At the mention of Finn’s name again she sensed him tense. ‘Riley,’ she said warningly.
‘What?’
‘You’re tensing. You’re angry. You’ve been angry the whole drive up here. That’s no use. No use at all.’ She was talking to him firmly, the way she usually spoke to a patient who was just about ready to give up on their physio.
He snapped. ‘What do you expect? I’ve been cheated out of five years of my son’s life. If I’d known about Finn, I would have been there. If Isabel had been involved in an accident, at least my little boy would know he would be with someone who loved and cared about him. He doesn’t know any of that. I’m a stranger to him. She did that.’
She shook her head at him. ‘Don’t you dare.’
‘Don’t dare what?’ He was almost indignant.
She pulled her hand out from under his and pointed her finger at him. ‘Don’t you dare go in there simmering with resentment at Finn’s mother. You’re an adult. Deal with it. Deal with the fact that life doesn’t always give you the hand of cards that you want. Finn will need you to talk about his mum. If he hears resentment or anger in your voice he’ll close off to you. You’ll wreck your relationship before it even has a chance to form.’
‘I thought you didn’t know anything about kids?’
‘I don’t. But I know enough about people. And so do you. You’re a doctor. You deal with families all the time.’ She dropped her hand and let her voice soften. ‘I know you’re angry. And if you are, talk to me. Talk to your brother.’ She stared out of the window at the blue sky above them. ‘My sister and I used to do a thing.’
‘A thing?’
She nodded. ‘If either of us was angry or upset—and it happened a lot—we used to hug it out.’
‘You what?’
She shrugged. ‘Hugging. Physical contact. Scientifically proven to reduce stress and anxiety. To release tension.’
He looked amused. ‘You want me to hug it out?’
The expression on his face was incredulous. She unclipped her seat belt and opened her arms. ‘Why not? You can’t go in there all tense and angry. That doesn’t help you. That doesn’t help Finn.’ She raised her eyebrows. ‘And, just so you know, this is a one-time offer.’
His face broke into a smile as he shook his head and unclipped his own belt. ‘I must be crazy.’
‘I’ve heard you called worse.’
He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around her. Riley Callaghan knew how to hug. This was no gentle, delicate hug. This was a massive pick-you-up-and-swing-you-round bear hug. Just as well they were in the car.
His emerging stubble brushed against her cheek. The waft of soap and masculinity flooded through her senses. That whole sensation of being held by a man, being comforted by someone who wrapped you in their arms, made her catch her breath. It had been so long. So long since she’d let someone this close.
She was doing this for him. Not for her.
So why did it feel like this?
He couldn’t see her face, so she closed her eyes for a few seconds. Letting herself just remember the moment. Feel the heat, the warmth and the comfort.
She’d missed this. Missed this contact more than she’d ever expected to. What she’d done with the best of intentions had turned into something that was kind of overwhelming.
His voice murmured in her ear. ‘Thanks, April.’
‘No problem,’ she replied automatically. Lost in the warm breath near her ear.
After the longest time he pulled back.
‘Okay,’ he said. ‘We’re all hugged out.’ She could see how nervous he was. ‘It’s time for me to meet my son.’
* * *
In the blink of an eye his life had changed.
He was a father. His first priority was his son.
April was a godsend.
His first sight of Finn, sitting on the edge of his bed in the foster home, ripped his heart clean out of his chest. Finn was his living image. If he’d sat his five-year-old self down next to Finn they would have looked like twins.
He’d never need a DNA test.
He’d wondered about the photo last night—if it was really a good representation of Finn. If they really looked that alike. Now he knew.
The foster carer was possibly the greatest human being he’d ever met. All preconceived ideas were swept out the window in a matter of seconds. She was used to taking kids in crisis situations and was very experienced. She even ran rings around the po-faced Ms Cummings.
She was warm and friendly. She knew Riley and Finn hadn’t met before and had already made a little list of things Finn had mentioned in the last few days. That included things from home he wanted, a list of clothing he would need, the contact details of his school and a few names of friends of his mum’s.
April stayed in the background, just accepting the lists with a gracious nod and leaving Riley to ask all the questions that he wanted.
It hadn’t taken much to notice the slight tremor in Finn’s hands. Riley had sat down on the bed next to him and spoke to his son for the first time. He’d never been so terrified in his life. Not when he’d been serving, not when he’d been retrieving military casualties and not when he’d been stranded on a battlefield with virtually no equipment. This was a whole new ball game.
Somehow it felt good that April was there to have his back. She didn’t interfere. She just stayed in the background. That hug in the car had done weird things to his mind. Her body pressed against his had sent a quick flash of a few thoughts he’d had about her in the past four weeks. The vanilla scent that had drifted up his nose had taken him to a whole other place. One where April wasn’t permanently dressed in her physiotherapist uniform.
Today was the first day he’d seen her in something else. She was wearing a dress. A dress. He hadn’t thought of April as a dress sort of girl. It was dark, covered with assorted pink butterflies, finishing just above her knees, which were covered in thick dark tights and knee-high black boots. She’d wrapped a pink scarf around her neck and was wearing a black military-style jacket.
She even looked as if she had a little make-up on. Either that or her lashes were darker than normal and highlighting those blue eyes. He’d never seen April outside the work environment and somehow it felt as if he’d been missing out.
April Henderson looked good. But then he’d always thought that.
And she’d been right. He’d needed to leave his resentment at the door. One look at Finn told him that.
Finn was charming. Polite, well mannered, and the first thing he told him was that he was going to be an astronaut. Riley smiled. He remembered having the same ambition. His little voice shook when he spoke about his mum and Riley wrapped his arm around his shoulder and pulled him close. ‘I’m sorry, Finn. I’m sorry about the accident. But I’ll look after you now. I’m your dad. I didn’t know about you before, but I know about you now.’
He’d pulled Finn up onto his lap. ‘If you want to, we’ll go and get some of your things. You can bring whatever you want.’
‘I can go back home?’
It was like staring into his own green eyes, but these little eyes were laced with uncertainty. Riley tried to keep his voice steady. ‘You’re going to stay with me now. But your mum’s house will stay as it is for now. We can collect your clothes, your toys, some photographs and anything else you want.’ He ran his hand over his son’s brown hair. Finn had the same little kink in his hair that he did. ‘I know some people who will be so happy to meet you. Your uncle Dan has just flown out to Afghanistan. But he’s already sent me a message for you. And your gran and granddad will be really happy to meet you too.’
Riley’s mouth was running away with him. He could see the tiny tremble in Finn’s hands. It made his heart ache. Should he squeeze him harder? He wasn’t quite sure.
‘I have a gran and granddad?’ Finn’s eyes widened. ‘I never had those before.’
Yes, you did. You just didn’t know it.
He resisted the temptation to say the words out loud. ‘Well, you do now.’
It wasn’t just Finn’s hands that were trembling; it was his voice too. Riley had spent his life as a doctor seeing things that affected him deep down. He’d wished a million times he could change things for the patients he worked with. But he’d never wished he could change things more than he did right now. He’d do anything to take away the hurt in Finn’s eyes.
Finn looked up shyly across the room, as if he were searching for something. Riley had the oddest sensation.
‘Who is the lady?’
Riley shifted on the bed. ‘The lady?’
‘The pretty one with the blonde hair. Is she your girlfriend?’ There was an almost hopeful edge to Finn’s voice.
Riley followed Finn’s gaze. April was talking quietly with the foster mum, scribbling down a few more notes. He wasn’t quite sure what to say.
Something washed over him as he watched the expression on Finn’s face. He was right on Riley’s knee but it was almost as if he were trying to anchor himself. Finn had spent his whole life brought up by his mum and, from the sound of it, mainly in the company of her friends. His heart squeezed. That was why he was looking at April.
He was used to being with women. Being in the company of a male from this point onwards would be a huge deal for Finn. Riley squeezed his eyes closed for the briefest of seconds as he remembered all the things his mum used to do with him and his brother as kids. Climbing into bed for cuddles, secret cake baking, her patience with homework, and the way one look could let him know that everything would be all right. It was only in the last few years he’d realised that even though she could be overpowering, how central she’d been for him and his brother. Finn had lost that. He’d lost his central point. Could Riley ever hope to become that person for Finn? Or would he always look for a mother figure in his life?
Riley’s skin was pale. ‘That’s April. She’s my...friend.’ Was she? ‘She works with me at the hospital. She’s a physiotherapist. She helps people get well again. Sometimes she has to help them walk again.’ It seemed the simplest explanation.
Finn frowned. ‘If Uncle Dan is in Afghanistan, will you have to go there too?’ His voice had a little tremble. ‘What will happen to me?’
And, just like that, the thoughts from last night filled his brain again.
He loved his job. He loved the postings. They fired his enthusiasm and ignited his passion. The last four weeks had been fine, but only because he’d known it wouldn’t be for long.
His heart twisted in his chest as he said the words he had to out loud. ‘It’s you and me, Finn. I won’t be going away again. I’ll be staying here, with you.’
He looked up. April had appeared in the doorway. He could see the expression on her face. She’d heard him in the last few weeks. Being excited about his future plans, talking about all the missions he’d been on.
The Colonel had phoned him this morning. He could stay at Waterloo Court for the next six months. He had temporary family accommodation. This was his life now. Part of him ached. But he pushed it away. He gave April an almost imperceptible nod.
He’d decided. His son would come first. Always.
* * *
She could tell he was struggling. And she felt like an intruder, watching two people who were alike in so many ways getting to know each other for the first time.
The visit to the house was the hardest. And she could relate to this. She really could. She’d had to pack up her sister’s house and give away some of her belongings. She’d heard other people talk about it in the past, but you could never really appreciate how hard something like this was until you had to do it yourself.
She fingered her necklace as they reached the house. Two intertwined gold hearts. Her parents had given Mallory and April the same thing for their twenty-first birthdays. Mallory had been buried wearing hers.
The first surprise when they reached the house was the tree.
It seemed that Isabel loved Christmas and even though it was only November the tree was already up and covered in decorations.
‘We did that last week,’ Finn said shakily.
April knelt down and looked at some of the decorations on the tree. She could see instantly they’d been made by a child’s hands.
‘Will we take some of these too? You made these, didn’t you?’
Finn nodded and pointed to a few of them, which April folded into some tissue paper that she found.
She’d done the practical things. She’d found all the clothes and packed them up. She’d helped Finn choose all the toys and books he’d wanted. Then she’d taken a deep breath and thought about all the sentimental things the foster carer had spoken to her about.
‘Photos,’ she whispered to Riley. ‘We need to find some photos for Finn to have of his mum.’
Riley knelt down in front of Finn. ‘Should we get some photographs? Pictures of you and Mum we can put in your new bedroom?’
Finn gave a nod and broke into a run. ‘This one,’ he shouted. ‘This is the one I have.’
April glanced at it and her heart gave a little flip. It was a picture of Isabel and Riley together. They were in a pub somewhere. He had his arm around her shoulders and they were looking at each other and laughing. It looked as if it could have been taken yesterday.
It was like a little spear hitting inside her.
Why? She instantly pushed the feeling aside. She’d no right to feel like that. Riley and her weren’t anything to each other. Never could be. She wasn’t at that point in her life. And he had his hands more than full for the next while.
Riley’s face had blanched. The letter had said Finn had a photograph of his dad; he must not have expected Isabel to be in it too.
April bent down and took the photo frame. ‘This is a good photo, Finn. I like it a lot. But let’s take some other photographs too. Ones of you and your mum together.’
Finn nodded and darted through to the main living room. April followed his lead and took a photograph from the wall he pointed at, and a calendar from the kitchen that had different photographs of them for every month of the year.
‘And the stick!’ said Finn. He jumped on top of a chair and found something on a shelf. ‘My mum has all our pictures on this!’
Riley gave a nod and put the USB stick in his pocket.
He bent back down. ‘Finn, do you want to take anything else?’
Finn hesitated. There was clearly something in his mind.
A wave of something came over April. She’d packed up Finn’s bedding to take with him. But after her sister had died, when she’d been packing up the house, she’d collapsed onto the bed at some point and been overwhelmed by the familiar scent from her sister’s pillow. She’d sobbed for hours.
She brushed her hand against Riley’s. ‘I think I know,’ she whispered.
She reached out with her other hand and touched Finn’s head. ‘Should we take some other things of your mum’s? How about her pillow, or a blanket that she used? Is there a jumper she loved? Do you want to take something like that?’
Riley squeezed her hand. He must know what this was doing to her. But his look was pure gratitude.
Finn sniffed. So April took his hand and gathered up the things he showed her. He buried his face in his mother’s pillow for a few seconds and let out a sob. She couldn’t help herself. She gathered the little boy into her arms and just held him. ‘I know, honey. I know how hard this is. I’m right here with you. And so is your dad.’
The little body crumpled against hers and a tear slid down her cheek.
This wasn’t about her. This wasn’t about the family of her own that she’d never have. This was about a little boy who was desperately sad. But somehow it felt about both.
Riley seemed choked too. They gathered up the rest of the belongings and he walked Finn out to the car.
‘Wait,’ she said. Something had just struck her. She pulled out her phone. ‘Let’s get a picture of the two of you together.’
Finn looked up at his dad. ‘Can we?’
Riley seemed surprised at the question. He knelt down and wrapped his arm around Finn’s shoulder. ‘Absolutely. I’d love a picture of us both together.’
She knew she should capture it. A first picture of father and son together. But the smile Riley plastered on his face didn’t quite reach his eyes. They were still full of worry. As for Finn? He just looked a little nervous. As if he didn’t quite know what would come next.
She snapped a few. ‘Perfect,’ she said.
Riley strapped Finn into the car. As she walked around to her side of the car, he pulled her hand and stopped her, spinning her around to face him.
‘April, I just wanted to say something.’
Her heartbeat quickened. It was starting to get dark. Collecting the things had taken a little longer than expected. It had been such a big day. One she’d never expected to be part of.
Today was a Saturday. She might have gone into work for a few hours—even though she wasn’t on duty. She’d planned on working with Jake today, but when she’d phoned and left a message for him he’d been absolutely fine. The only other thing she would have done was pick up a few things for dinner.
As it was cold she might even have stayed in her pyjamas all day and watched Christmas movies on TV. Part of her knew that if life had gone as planned, she would probably have had a little pang about not going to Riley’s drinks last night. She would have had a twinge of regret that she wouldn’t see him again. But part of that would have been reassuring.
It would have left her clear to lock away the attraction she’d been trying to ignore for the last four weeks. She could have parcelled it up in a box like a Christmas present and stored it away in a cupboard. That would have been so much simpler than any of this.
Before she had time to think, Riley slid his hand behind her waist and pulled her towards him, resting his forehead against hers.
It was so up close and personal. They were at the back of the car. Finn couldn’t see them. The temperature had dropped; their warm breath was visible in the cold air.
A wave of emotions swept through her. She’d seen a whole other side of Riley Callaghan today. There had already been a glimmer of attraction. Now, she’d seen him at his most exposed. She’d been there when he’d got the news about Finn, then met his child for the first time. It felt too big. Too much. More than she could handle right now.
Finn was adorable. He pulled at every heartstring she had. In a way she knew that she’d picked up some things that Riley might have missed. Riley would be a good father; he just had to get to know his little boy first.
Her heart flipped over. That parent relationship. The one she’d never have. The one she’d never even allowed herself to think about since she’d made her decision. For a few seconds today she’d felt...something. Even if it was only tiny. That urge to reach out to help a child in need. She pressed her lips together and tried to push all the emotions away.
She had to think about the surgery. She had to think about preparing herself. She didn’t need her heart tangled up in this mess. She had to keep it somewhere safe.
She hadn’t moved. His head was still pressed against hers.
‘Thank you,’ he whispered. ‘Thank you for coming here with me today.’
She gulped and pulled back.
‘You’re a colleague. No problem.’ Her hand brushed against a piece of paper she’d pushed into her pocket. ‘I think it’s best if you and Finn have some time to yourselves now. I’ve got a couple of numbers of friends from Isabel’s phone book. I’ll talk to them to get an idea of what she would have liked. They might want to help with the arrangements.’
A frown furrowed Riley’s brow. ‘That would be great, thank you.’ The words were pleasant but the look on his face told her something different. It was almost as if she’d just abandoned him on a cross-country hike with no provisions.
And he didn’t say another word until he dropped her back at her house.
