Читать книгу Time to Say Goodbye: a heart-rending novel about a father’s love for his daughter - S.D. Robertson, S.D. Robertson - Страница 12

I don’t want to talk much about what happened in the crematorium, other than to say it was horrible. Arthur had been right to warn me about how my family might react. I’d not realized how much everyone had been bottling up their feelings so far – particularly Mum and Dad – until they came flooding out in a torrent of tears at the end of the short service in the chapel. As hard as it was to witness, I was at least prepared for it with Ella, Mum and Lauren. I wasn’t expecting to see Dad cry. That sight caught me completely unawares. He’d never been a man to show much emotion and was usually the family’s pillar of strength. So watching him lose control like that – so vulnerable, so human – was horrendous.

I don’t know whether my body was burned straight afterwards or not. Previously, I’d worried that I might somehow feel the flames eating away at my flesh, but such fears paled into insignificance once I witnessed my family’s suffering. Whenever the cremation did happen, I wasn’t aware of it. I felt no physical sensation at all.

Arthur found me as the others were getting ready to head back to my parents’ house for the wake. I was still sitting on the front pew, shell-shocked. ‘The worst is over now, lad,’ he said gently. ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Dreadful. Totally drained. That was far worse than I expected. Seeing them all like that, I can’t help blaming myself for what happened. I keep thinking that if I’d not taken my bike that day, or if I’d left a couple of minutes earlier, or if I’d worn a cycle helmet—’

‘Stop. Don’t do that to yourself. It wasn’t your fault. Sometimes terrible things happen. You can’t beat yourself up about it. That won’t change anything and it won’t help anyone. Come on, let’s get out of here. I’ll take you to the wake.’

He made to grab my hand, but I stopped him. ‘Wait. Is there any chance we could go somewhere else first? Somewhere peaceful where I can get my head together.’

‘Of course,’ he said. I blinked and we were back on the bench overlooking the churchyard where he’d found me earlier. ‘How’s this?’

‘Perfect. Thank you.’

‘No problem. Listen, I have to go now. I’ve got some business I need to attend to. Can you manage to make your own way to your parents’ house?’

‘Oh, um … yes, it’s only a two-minute walk. But I was hoping to talk with you some more. I’ve got a million questions.’

‘Another day. Give me a shout. And well done, lad. I mean that.’

‘Thanks. How do I—’

Before I could finish, Arthur had gone.

‘Great,’ I said. ‘Another one with the sudden exits.’

I stayed on the bench, enjoying the silence, for some time. My mind drifted back to Alice’s funeral again. I wondered if she had been around like this – watching me grieve and beg forgiveness for how I’d betrayed her – or whether she’d moved on straight away. I still missed her terribly. I remembered the raw pain I’d felt at the time; the hopelessness and sense of injustice. Was that how my family were feeling now?

My pain over losing Alice had never gone away. I’d gradually learned to cope with it and the initial angry intensity had faded, but going through that wasn’t something I’d wish on my worst enemy. It was caring for Ella that had kept me together. At the time, having to cope with that on top of everything else had seemed impossibly unfair. But that routine – that purpose – was what stopped me falling into a bottomless pit of hopelessness and self-pity. I realized that a part of my wife was able to live on through Ella. Her appearance and many little things she did reminded me of Alice: from the way her nose crinkled up when she laughed to the stubborn streak I could already see forming in her personality. She was an intelligent little girl too. I could picture her following in her mother’s footsteps as a dentist. That or some other equally prestigious career.

I was surprised – and touched – to see Alice’s parents in the congregation at my funeral. Margaret and Ron lived in Spain these days, so I hadn’t expected them to make the trip. Mind you, they’d always been good about keeping in touch with their granddaughter. They made an effort to see her at least twice a year and gave generous gifts on her birthday and at Christmas. She would never be as close to them as she was to my parents, but at least they were still in her life.

The sound of a car starting up jerked my mind back to the present. I’d assumed everyone from the funeral had gone by now and I’d not seen anyone visiting any of the graves, so I wondered who it might be. I stood up and walked to where the car park was visible. A black Audi with tinted windows was turning round. It looked like the same car I’d seen lingering outside my house the other day, which bothered me. Instinctively, I ran towards it.

Hey,’ I shouted. ‘Who are you? What do you want?’

But the car pulled away before I could reach it. I continued my pursuit as it stopped to turn on to the main road, but again it drove off before I caught up. I watched it disappear into the distance. ‘Damn,’ I said. ‘Who the hell is that?’

I headed to my parents’ place: the roomy four-bedroom detached house that I’d grown up in. It was located on a quiet, leafy street full of similar homes, all built in the early 1970s. There were lots of cars parked outside and I could see the silhouettes of countless visitors sipping drinks in the front room. The front door was shut, but at the back I found the patio doors open and Dad lighting a large cigar with his friend Larry, who lived two doors along.

‘The church service was lovely,’ Larry was saying. ‘A fitting send-off. Everyone said so. How did it go at the crematorium?’

‘Oh, you know,’ Dad replied, exhaling a thick cloud of smoke. ‘As well as could be expected.’ He’d regained his composure but had a vacant, exhausted look about him. ‘Thanks for your help with the catering, Larry. Ann and I appreciate it.’

‘You’re welcome. Sylvia did most of the work, anyway. You’ll let us know if there’s anything else we can do, won’t you?’

‘Yes. Thanks. You’re good friends.’

‘Are you staying here tonight with Ella?’

‘That’s the plan. We’ll be moving her here full time in the next few days. We were concerned about uprooting her so soon, but we’ve had several chats with her and she seems okay about it. She’s stayed here plenty of times before and I think it helps knowing that her dad grew up here.’

‘Poor thing. First her mother and now her father. No child should have to go through that.’

‘I know. I’m amazed she’s coping as well as she is. God knows what’s going on inside that little head of hers.’

Larry nodded, slowly puffing on his cigar. ‘It only seems five minutes ago that Will was that age, asking for his ball from our garden. He was such a polite lad. Always had plenty to chat about. Ella’s the same, isn’t she? Sylvia and I were only saying the other day how well she talks. She’s a real credit to her father.’

‘She is that.’

‘Any news about what’s going to happen to the, um, driver?’

‘She’s been charged with causing death by dangerous driving. That’s good, as we had feared she might only face death by careless driving, which is less serious. But there’s still a long road ahead. She’ll only plead guilty to the lesser offence, so there will have to be a full trial. It could be a year before it gets to the crown court.’

‘A year? That’s ridiculous.’

‘It may be less, but I’m not holding my breath.’

‘Will she go to prison?’

‘If she’s found guilty. The top penalty’s fourteen years, although I doubt she’d get anything like that. It would be four years at the most, I reckon.’

I generally tried not to think about the crash and the woman who’d caused it, because it made my blood boil yet achieved nothing. Where was she today when my body was burning? I wondered. But I didn’t let the thought process go any further. Instead I moved inside, away from the conversation, and forced myself to refocus.

The dining room and lounge were bustling with people, which I found uncomfortable, especially since I was the topic on most of their lips. I darted into each room, carefully wending my way between bodies to avoid getting repelled, but Ella was nowhere to be seen. I could hear Mum’s voice coming from the kitchen, so I made that my next port of call. She was in there pouring drinks with Alice’s mother, Margaret, and Larry’s wife, Sylvia.

‘Why don’t you go and mingle, Ann?’ Sylvia said. ‘I can take care of this.’

‘Don’t be silly,’ Mum replied. ‘You’ve already done more than enough. This is my house. I’m not going to sit around and watch other people do all the work at my son’s wake. It wouldn’t be right.’

‘I’ll stay and help Sylvia,’ Margaret said. ‘She’s right. You shouldn’t feel like you have to do everything. I know how awful you must be feeling right now. I remember what I was like after Alice—’

‘I said I’m fine,’ Mum snapped, promptly bursting into tears.

As the other two rallied round to comfort her, I left to continue my hunt for Ella. It was too distressing to see Mum like that – and it wasn’t like I could do anything to help her. I narrowly avoided bumping into Xander in the hall. He’d just returned from walking the dog and was busy hanging up his coat and changing his shoes. Sam started barking at me. He strained at his lead, nearly toppling my brother-in-law in the process. Xander, who managed to hold on to him with one finger, said something aggressive-sounding in Dutch, which I assumed was a request for him to shut up.

‘Hello, boy,’ I said to Sam, glad of the attention. ‘So you’re interested in me again, are you? How did you get here? I thought you were still at my place. Did Xander go and pick you up?’

He continued barking.

‘Hmm. Unfortunately, I’ve no idea what that means, Sam. It’s ironic, considering you’re the only one who has any idea that I’m here.’

He barked again.

‘Where’s Ella, boy? I can’t find her?’

Sam switched to growling.

‘Charming. I’ll check upstairs, shall I?’

Before reaching the landing I heard the sound of my daughter’s pain through the closed door of her new bedroom. Of course I’d heard her cry countless times before – from urgent tears after falling and grazing her knees to crocodile tears over not getting her own way. But this was different. It was a terrible low-pitched wail of despair. Such a bleak, battered sound had no business coming from the throat of a child.

My parental instinct kicked in. I needed to take her in my arms and comfort her; to soothe her pain. Yet already, as I raced to her door, I knew that wasn’t possible. If I could just get close to her, I thought, to stand by her side and whisper some comforting words. But no. A newly varnished door stood in my way, firmly shut and – despite being flimsy enough for me to have punched a hole in as a teenager – as secure as a bank vault from me now.

I lay down and stretched out on the light green carpet of the landing, putting one ear to the small gap at the base of the door. I could hear that gut-wrenching sound more clearly now, but also, thankfully, the quiet voice of my sister. At least that meant Ella wasn’t alone.

‘That’s right. Let it all out,’ I heard Lauren say. ‘You’ve been such a brave girl, but sometimes you need to have a good cry. That’s how you deal with your emotions.’

The crying continued for some time, but it gradually began to fade as Lauren’s calm words soothed her niece. Eventually it was little more than a sob. I heard someone climbing the stairs and quickly rolled away from the door when I saw Xander approach.

‘Lauren?’ he called. ‘Are you in there?’

‘I’m with Ella,’ she replied through the door. ‘Give us a second.’

Xander waited silently in front of the bedroom door, oblivious to my presence as I got up from the floor and stood next to him. ‘All right, big guy?’ I said. ‘Ella’s not doing so well. Lauren’s been comforting her.’

Lauren opened the door and beckoned her husband inside. She whispered something to him in Dutch as I slipped past. Ella was lying on the bed, staring at the ceiling through puffy red eyes. I knelt down next to her.

‘My gorgeous girl. You poor thing. Today must have been hell for you. I’m sorry I couldn’t get here sooner. I wanted to, but I was stuck on the landing. Are you feeling a bit better?’

No sooner had I said that than a strange thing happened. Ella jerked her head in my direction and stared straight at the spot where I was kneeling, her eyes screwed up quizzically. She slowly sat up in bed, keeping her gaze directed at me.

‘Ella?’ I said. ‘Can you see me? Can you hear me? Don’t be scared. It’s Daddy.’

‘What’s the matter, Ella?’ Lauren said after looking away from Xander and noticing her trance-like pose. She called her name again, more firmly, and Ella blinked twice before giving her head a little shake and turning towards her auntie.

‘What?’

‘I asked you what was wrong, because you were staring at the wall. What were you looking at?’

‘I don’t know. I’m not sure. I thought I—’

‘Is everything all right?’ Dad said, bursting through the door. ‘We were wondering where you’d got to.’

‘We’re fine, Dad,’ Lauren replied. ‘Ella and I were just having a time-out. We’ll be down soon.’

‘Good. I thought I’d best check up on you, that’s all. Are you okay, Xander?’

‘Yes, Tom. You?’

‘Fine. Thanks for picking up Sam, by the way. I appreciate it.’

‘Ella?’ I said. ‘You could sense me before, couldn’t you? Can you hear me now? Look this way again if you can.’

But she didn’t. She gave no sign that she could sense me at all. The moment was gone; the spell broken.

‘Come on!’ I shouted. ‘This isn’t fair. Why can’t any of you see that I’m right here?’ I ran from person to person, screaming in each of their faces, waving my hands wildly in front of their eyes. ‘Why can’t you see me? The bloody dog can do it, for God’s sake. Why can’t you?’

Finally I knelt down again by Ella’s bed, holding my hands up in supplication. ‘Please, darling. Please give me something more. I know you could sense me just now. I’m so lonely here without you, Ella. I’m begging you.’

But it was futile. As far as my family was concerned, I was gone. I no longer existed.

I suppose I ought to have taken strength from the fact that Ella had sensed me again. It was, after all, my first sign of a breakthrough since the time she’d answered me in her sleep. For some reason, though, it had the opposite effect. I felt dejected, like there was no point in going on. The whole being dead thing seemed far more real – and final – now the funeral was over. The only definite in my future was Lizzie’s deadline.