Читать книгу The realm of tormenting dreams - Sergey Vassiliev - Страница 5

I was discharged, telling my parents that I had to take care of the jokes that I began to let go off. Everything favored now building a career and my personal life. Remission is still a process of the disease, its continuation, but the calmest interval. Specialists explained to me that some people even live their life to the end in this state. At that time, I think it was health and basically thought that I had completely recovered, having left the hospital, after all, I could easily get acquainted with girls and without much difficulty studied at the university in legal department. Is it necessary to do something else to recognize the legal capacity? Yes, as it turns out to be. My relations with a partner could not be long, and our union could not stand a single year. In general, as it turned out, no psychotic patient is able to have a lasting relationship. Probably, I felt this and ran away from one girl, having just tasted the first fruit of love relationship, to another. Thus, I was an ordinary womanizer, and this, you know, is a weakness. But I had nothing else to do, because it was very necessary to fall in love, this need is mandatory, otherwise you become depressed, while you need to maintain your health that was for me the equivalent of remission. But the deadlock was that any relationship absolutely can not do without tension, and someone who is overwhelmed with the weight of feelings which drags him out of the normal limits, either into a mania or into a depression, can simply not stay within the love ties. And no intellect, no willpower or natural optimism can help a person cope with this difficult task if he is sick with psychosis. Apart from his basic tasks of life, it is necessary for him to withstand the regular disturbances brought by his memories, from the past that I’ve recently told you about in warm blood, these memories monstrously incapacitate one’s inner world. But, it is to say, all the horror of the disease is also hidden from yourself during the periods of remission, i.e. you have no obvious direct emotional stresses, all this soul torment is hidden from you and carries out its dirty deeds in a different way, it simply takes away the ability to endure the heavy feelings which fall onto an unhappy person suffering psychosis, in difficult periods of life. Let me explain more detailed how it happens.

The fact is that my life was developing, as it seemed to me, at least to some extent, once a strong emotional load emerged, the disease immediately showed, and the psychosis – its driver – consisted of childhood traumas that controlled me, but not showed, i.e. I had completely forgot them, while they all continued to actively live inside me and undermine my strengths. Approximately the same scheme underlies in the process of occurrence of the disease in almost every mentally unhealthy person. But to my satisfaction, for several years I had been staying in a stable and pleasant remission. I met a girl, and I had a good range to choose, my friend and I began to get acquainted via a newspaper and, receiving a lot of letters, we were in a large circle of fans. A lot of girls were checked by my attention, I even met a very decent one, just gorgeous, I think, judging by their memories. The relationship with her became, of course, somehow heavy, with a tone of serious intent, which is always the result of responsibility and is usually accompanied by emotional heaviness. Well, there was absolutely not enough strength inside me to bring a woman into my life, and I just backed down. But I was still quite satisfied with my fate, simply not having experienced more severe illness, and finally I chose a girl for me, however, not one of those who wrote letters, but with whom I got acquainted in a company and connected my life with her.

It is to note that I was very lucky about girls in my life: I was a handsome lad and sometimes even much humorous and interesting. I must say that in the hospital under the onslaught of severe symptoms, I still managed to somehow miraculously be pleasant to that girl, but our relationship quickly stopped as soon as I saw her in the arms of another. I have done a lot of search with a variety of adventures, even staying in the terrible, very uncomfortable state of psychosis, I gathered the courage to go for a date, despite my attempts to make a due impression on her. But from all the huge array of girls, I was attracted to one mischievous girl; the relationship with her was a hectical romance full of sex. Of course, I hid my shock that had happened just recently, and I tried to forget the disaster that still was menacing by the need to take medications. What to do, I drank a lot of alcohol, pretending to be completely sane, secretly dreaming that I would finally recover and my secret would come to an end. Sure, the psychiatrist whose sessions I attended, reminded me, though occasionally, of the terrible truth about myself, this entire underworld, filled with nightmares and endless wailing, I had been a long time exposed to. That terrible story has now become a stigma in my biography. Although when I left out of the doctor immediately, I completely forgot about everything, because nothing could rest in my soul, except for this girl, whom I passionately fell in love with. Wonderful relations lasted for a short time, but in many respects they brought me a great satisfaction, all friends were envious of me, but they loved me no less, and so I was surrounded by necessary attention for a happy life. Also I began to continue my studies in the same college, but already at the correspondence department, and, I must say, with the same zeal for knowledge, so I felt generally confident that I would be a good lawyer. I began to practice in the prosecutor’s office, helping the investigators, and my importance had no limit, especially in the team where everybody liked me sincerely. I even received a certificate signed by the prosecutor, and now I drank less, understanding my responsibility for his new job. I promised to my grandmother to give up smoking, because she gave me a whole million to help me stop this bad habit. I also worked as a bartender, I dreamed to save enough money to buy a car. Then I got job in the elections, as the deputy chief of political agitation staff, and I became quite rich, my life was so successful, that the state of the uplifted sick mood only seemed to spur my success.

I still kept on being a beer addict even when I almost gave up smoking. And then I happened to get acquainted with the good-natured man, an NLP psychologist, he promised me to help in solving the problem with alcohol. We began to meet periodically and conduct sessions, the doctor immersed me in a semi-hypnotic state and suggested diving into the memories of the beginning of life, then from these first memories we gradually moved to the next, assessing what was happening to me, thus, as if explaining these memories, and probably, to get more organized. And so, running through all the time intervals of my life, this kind of the five-year periods, I was already, being half asleep, coming to the present moment in my life, presumably already more sane than before. In general, it so happened that I virtually stopped drinking beer at all, as a result. But I can say here that for me personally, most likely, I was assisted by an agreement with this charming and kind man not to come drunk to a session and in general to try to refrain from drinking beer. The power of this word can be very great, as I learned from our meetings, but as for NLP, I can’t be sure that the help of this method can lead to the same results as the powerful conviction of this interesting person. He even took brave steps, trying to free me from medications, which I took three times a day, fearing to be trapped again in the already familiar earthly hell. Mr. Gorn, as his name sounded so proud, explained to me that administering lithium is, in fact, a crutch that could only hinder me, and judging by my very steady state, I was quite fit to dispense with pills. He was not mistaken in general, in the far future this was confirmed by other, even more serious specialists in psychology.

But a sad event happened: my beloved cheated with one of my best friends, and it strongly knocked me sideways, out of that idle and at the same time active life, even effective to many respects. I could not cope with such a very difficult issue and, in turn, resolutely avenged, I found a very good substitute, and with the new girlfriend I started off for a romantic journey, but unfortunately, not only with this beauty, but also with me all his family, to the mysterious island of Valaam. But the cunning girl did not let me self-adjust for my new choice, and, using my old affection, boldly began to beg being my mistress, if not my wife. And I, succumbed to temptation, began to lose myself, and my behavior did not inspire any confidence in my new lady, it is impossible to pay my attention to two women at the same time, and I firmly decided to forgive treason and return the first love. But Rita was already in the power of another man, with whom I began to actively fight. My forces were leaving me in this struggle and finding peace, my remission was coming to an end, and my life was turning into a grievous torture with a very real depressive nightmare.

The exams were over, and I started learning for the last credit test non passed due to a booze, when I stumbled upon the problem of unquenchable love for Rita, who absolutely desperately combined with my hatred for her, and this disagreement of feelings not only gave me no peace and no opportunity to learn the subject, but in general, tormented me by an angry, black, already morbid mood. Between the lines of the book on civil law I saw her eyes, the soul that beckoned me and at the same time showed the impossibility of our union as happy as before. Letters, words were impossible not only to remember, but also to read. And here my mother came to help me, she made me wake up strictly, as if commanding, and learn the main questions for the test. Gathering all my strengths, I began to read and diligently realize and remember the subject. Next day, surprisingly to myself, I very masterly expounded the learned information. There were times and occasions when my mother, positively directing me, made my life more successful and happy, but I am going to write about everything, that was useful and negative in parents, later, and, if possible, I will cover this topic as much as possible.

And now, having passed the exam, I felt like a completely different person, I felt superior to the evil girl who, besides all, mocked at me, adding to all her other muck, that she likes much to torture people. At present, this gives me the right to conclude basing of this tragic relationship that they were not valuable. Unfortunately, another trouble occurred at once: dentists cut out my cyst and I, waking up after all these misfortunes, decided to start, probably, to revenge for my resentment from her refusal and began to court Rita’s friend, to whom I was sincerely attached, but having separated her from Rita and nevertheless almost fallen in love with this girlfriend, began to lose my soul, which at that point was quite exhausted, wandering in the intricate corridors of passion. The new relationship was a fatal burden, assuming, in addition to responsibility, the strain combined with the severity of our separation with that, though so nasty but yet beloved girl.

And here, it seems, are the intrigues known to everybody; but mentally sick people can’t be engaged in them, and they can not endure the whole gust of emotions in such cases. But I want to live, and if I do not create a family, taking serious steps, then at least to be able to try for some time to be at some level of relationships with the opposite sex, even if this does not lead to the goal of continuing this relationship.

But certainly, at that time I was not aware of the fact that I can’t marry, have children, create a good family, although, evidently, I was greatly frightened by what had happened to me recently enough, therefore, being alarmed, in a sense, I did not have that self-confidence, which must necessarily contribute to this kind of happiness.

As soon as I developed a strong aversion to my former girlfriend, and I began to look more bravely into the future, my mom again did a great thing and helped me get a job as a lawyer; I must say I could not think of any independent actions, my parents often anticipated my career progress, but it was still very good, that I knew about my future in advance. Although I had to go to another city, but the very specificity of the job inspired a respect for myself, I was very pleased to work as a legal adviser. Here I found a girlfriend, here I began to come into contact with the team, producing by my active behavior, as far as I thought, quite a pleasant impression. But a situation occurred when I playing volleyball with colleagues suddenly could not well kick off the ball; it was so shameful for me, especially in my own eyes, what I decided not to go to work the other day.