Читать книгу Her Rebel Heart - Shannon Farrington - Страница 12

Chapter Three

On Monday morning, Julia and her mother set about their regular routine. They prepared breakfast then moved on to the tasks of laundry and housekeeping.

The foyer floor still showed signs of mud from the night of Edward’s departure, so Julia readied the linseed oil and hot water to give it a good scrubbing. While she worked, she prayed for her brother and all the other men who had traveled south.

Bless them, Lord, and keep them safe. May they all return home soon.

As heartsick as she was, Julia moved about the house at a productive pace. Everywhere were signs of Edward; a book in the parlor, his work boots at the back door. She returned all the items to their proper places. Then she aired his linens and beat his rugs. She wanted his room fresh and ready for his return.

When it was time to begin midday meal preparations, she noticed the kindling box was once again running low. She went to the lean-to and gathered up as much wood as she could carry. She was painfully aware of who had split the logs but she did her best to ignore the fact.

I now know what kind of man Samuel is. Edward’s enlistment, as awful as it is, in a small way is a blessing. At least the relationship was severed while it still could be. If I had married Samuel Ward, goodness knows how my life would have turned out.

She carried the wood across the yard and then into the kitchen.

“Thank you, dear,” her mother said as she laid it in the box. “You should hurry now and change.”

Julia wiped the front of her dress. Wood was wood, yes, but her yellow day dress wasn’t that dirty. “Why?” She asked.

“For the prayer meeting, of course.”

Julia had no idea what her mother was talking about. “What prayer meeting?”

Esther gave her a quizzical expression. “Reverend Perry called for a prayer meeting today at noon. He announced it yesterday at the end of the service.” She paused, the corner of her mouth revealing just the hint of a smile. “Weren’t you listening?”

Julia could tell by the look on her mother’s face that she did not need to answer that question. Her embarrassment for not giving her full attention to the Lord was only surpassed by the humiliation that her mother knew exactly why she hadn’t been listening.

Samuel had been distracting her.

All that she could fully remember of the worship service was that Reverend Perry’s prayers were not well received.

“The congregation is so divided,” Julia said. “After yesterday it is a wonder that he would even call such a meeting.”

“That is exactly why he is doing so. Hurry now. Change your dress. Your father will be home shortly.”

Julia went upstairs to make herself ready. She wondered what this meeting today would involve. One thing she was certain of, she would not be distracted by Samuel Ward this time.

By scheduling the event during the noon hour the Reverend surely hoped to draw folks on their lunch break. Samuel would never be able to make it from the seminary in Rolland Park all the way to the church on Charles Street and back in one hour.

I will be free to pray for my brother’s safety and for the concerns of my city without his disapproving eye.

Her father returned from his morning rounds and the family started off. Julia rode mostly in silence, eyes drifting from one house to the next. There were no visible markers but she knew many of these homes had a son or brother who had chosen to fight.

Bless them, Lord. Bring them home soon.

When the carriage rolled past one of the local taverns, several Federal soldiers were standing outside. Julia made the mistake of looking at them. One man had the audacity to wink at her. Clutching her Bible tightly, she focused her eyes on her father’s stovepipe hat.

Her hands were trembling. All she could think of was that day at the train station, when Federal gunfire nearly led to her being trampled and sent eleven of her fellow citizens off into eternity.

The bell chimed the hour as Dr. Stanton brought their carriage to rest in front of the church.

“Come now,” he said as he helped Julia and her mother to the street. “We mustn’t be late.”

As eager as she was to be safely inside, Julia was not ready to endure divided seating arrangements and political barricades. When she stepped into the sanctuary, however, only Reverend Perry was present.

“Thomas!” the man said, immediately coming up the aisle to greet her father. “And ladies…how good of you to come.”

“I had several visits to make this morning,” Dr. Stanton said. “I feared we would be the last to arrive.”

“On the contrary,” Reverend Perry said. “You are the first.”

Julia glanced around. Though grateful there were no icy glares or judgmental remarks, her heart still sank. Will we be the only ones? Isn’t there anyone else who will pray for this city? For our brave men?

She brushed away the discouraging thoughts and lifted her chin with determination. I will do so. I will pray for Edward and for Baltimore.

If Reverend Perry was disheartened by the lack of attendance, he did not reveal it. He quickly led Julia’s family to the front pew and started the service.

“Let’s begin with a hymn.”

Without the benefit of pipe organ or additional singers, the four of them joined in singing, “How Firm a Foundation.”

The meager voices barely filled the space between the walls but Julia reminded herself that where two or three were gathered, God himself was in attendance.

They finished the hymn and sat down.

Reverend Perry then prayed. He did exactly as he had done before, praying for the safety of the city and for the protection of all soldiers involved in the war. When he fell silent, Julia’s father carried on. With heartfelt sincerity he prayed for the congregation. He asked that they would be able to put their political differences aside in order to present the gospel of Christ.

Though he did not mention the man by name, Julia wondered if he was not thinking of Warren Meade. Her nerves bristled as she remembered his words. She stiffened even further when she thought of Samuel’s clear unwillingness to defend her brother’s good name.

Edward seeks to protect us from danger, from the tyranny of those Federal soldiers. Samuel would simply let them have their way.

Julia did not lift her voice in public but she did pray silently for Edward’s swift return. She then remembered the citizens who had been injured on Pratt Street.

And for them and their families, Lord…please comfort them. Please don’t let such a thing happen again!

She heard her mother’s voice. Somewhere near the end of the prayer, the back door opened. Footsteps quietly, rhythmically came down the aisle. They stopped midway. A pew then creaked.

Someone else has joined us! Oh thank You, Lord!

Her faith stirred and hope soared until she recognized the petitioner’s voice.

“Lord, Almighty, thank You for hearing our prayers…”

Samuel! She clenched the lace handkerchief in her lap. How dare he come!

Any spiritual comfort she had previously felt evaporated. All she could think of was the man sitting just a few rows back; the one who had promised to love and protect her, yet, hadn’t the courage to do so.

He is probably here to wish for Edward’s destruction, to condemn all those who support States’ Rights!

She was so busy imagining what he was praying for that she failed to hear what he was actually saying.

“My sins, Lord… Forgive me for my sins.”

Though Sam had intended on coming to this meeting to pray for Edward, he could not get past the need to confess his own faults to God. For too long he had simply gone about his life with his plans for the future, Julia, his teaching position, an honest but comfortable life here in Baltimore.

He had never once considered God may have other things in mind.

Frederick Douglass’s experiences flooded his thoughts.

The man in his autobiography had shown owners whipping and cursing their slaves while simultaneously quoting Scripture to them. He also told of plantation owners who bowed their heads each night at supper to thank God for their food only to then turn around and starve the very hands that had farmed it.

The former slave explained that he loved the Christianity that Christ had preached, the message of love, peace and purity. Yet, in America, Christ’s message had become polluted. Those who called themselves followers yet whipped women and stole babies from their mothers’ arms were corrupt and hypocritical.

Where am I in all of this? Sam wondered. What form of Christianity do I cling to?

Sam had never owned another human being. He had never beaten or cursed any man. He attended church each week, read his Bible daily. He prayed faithfully yet he couldn’t help but sense there was more to it.

Does Jesus expect more from His followers? Does His sacrificial love demand it?

Sam had always sought to live a life of peace, to show others the love of Christ.

…As ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto Me…

The Savior’s words pricked his heart. One of the least of these… who were the very least? Who did society, the law and government itself claim as the least?

Sam knew full well the answer to his own question.

Simply refusing to join those who supported slavery, or at the very least allowed it, was no longer enough. He knew that now. He would attend Dr. Carter’s meeting. He did not know what else may be involved but he sensed the Lord was urging him to find out.

“I will do Your will, Lord.”

And following God’s will, Sam realized, meant placing Julia in His hands. Sam could not continue to spend his strength worrying and planning how to win her back.

He had to focus on being obedient. He had to trust.

What was happening, Julia could not fully explain. The Reverend and even her own father were now in tears. A shiver ran through her for she could sense the Almighty’s presence in the place.

Oh, Lord, thank You for hearing our prayers. Thank You for what You will do here in this city.

After a few moments, eyes opened, heads raised. Reverend Perry concluded the meeting by extending an invitation.

“I ask you to join me tomorrow and each day thereafter at noon.”

Her father quickly said they would. When the Reverend looked to Samuel, Julia bristled.

He explained it was impossible to reach the church at noon but, “I will gladly give what time I can.”

Wonderful, Julia thought sarcastically. I suppose I will have to get used to him.

When the service was over her mother and father continued to speak with Reverend Perry. Julia waited a step away, discreetly eyeing Samuel from the safety of her lace trimmed bonnet.

He approached her slowly.

“I wanted to offer my apologies,” he said before she could speak first.

She was taken aback. “For?”

“For pressing you. For not honoring your wishes.”

His brown eyes were fixed on hers. Julia couldn’t help but think of the love that had filled them the night he’d asked for her hand, of the ardor with which he had kissed her.

Heat flooded her face. Her skin was tingling and her mind churning.

“It was wrong of me to visit the house and to sit in your family pew,” he said. “It will not happen again.”

She opened her fan, hoping her voice was smooth and calm. “Thank you, Samuel.”

“You are welcome. Good day, Julia.”

He turned and walked up the aisle, through the doors and out into the warm May sunshine.

After he had gone, her parents were ready to depart as well. Julia followed them to the carriage. A chill had now settled over her.

“Did you bring your sewing basket, dear?” her mother asked. “We can drop by Sally’s on the way home.”

“Oh,” Julia said absentmindedly. “No. I did not. I completely forgot about the sewing circle.”

She was still mulling over what Samuel had said. Part of her felt relieved, the other struggled with the finality of it all. Why did she suddenly feel so guilty?

This is what I wanted. I will not marry a man like him.

“Well, then,” she heard her mother say. “We will just drive home. You can walk back to Sally’s after you gather your things.”

“Perhaps I will stay home this week,” Julia said.

“Why is that?”

“I don’t feel much like visiting.”

Every week, she and her neighborhood friends met together for conversation and needlework. The real reason she did not wish to attend today was that the girls were scheduled to begin the lace for her wedding gown. The white dress had already been sewn. All that was needed to complete it was the finishing trim. Julia had not yet told any of them about the broken engagement.

She dreaded doing so.

Some of them, like her closest friend Sally Hastings, would understand. Her brother Stephen had left for Virginia the same time Edward did. Sally had even at one time had eyes for Edward. The woman could sympathize with Julia’s pain.

Prissy, opinionated, Rebekah Van der Geld would not. Rebekah had recently expressed disdain for the growing secessionist movement.

“It is treason,” she’d said flatly, “and anyone who fights for the Confederacy deserves to be hanged.”

Julia sighed. She had once considered Rebekah a friend but did not any longer. She wondered how the girl continued to come to their group when she clearly held such an opposing view.

Why must politics invade every aspect of life? Why can’t we just go on living?

Her mother spoke. “I talked with Sally briefly yesterday at church. She told me she was hoping you would come today. I think she misses Stephen terribly.”

Julia’s agitation was replaced with concern for her friend. She knew what Sally was feeling. She wanted to comfort her and perhaps, if they had a moment in private, she could tell her about Samuel. It would help to have a friend’s blessing when her guilt over the broken engagement came calling.

“Perhaps I will go,” she said to her mother, “but are you sure you want me to?”

“Life must continue, Julia, despite hardship, despite grief. The best thing we can do for Edward, for all of us, is to pray and then go on living.”

When Julia arrived at the Hastings home, Sally met her at the front door. She gave her a hug.

“I am so pleased that you came,” she said. “We must catch up when the others have gone.”

“Yes,” Julia said. “I would like to.”

Sally took her hand and ushered her into the parlor. The other girls were all there, sisters Trudy and Elizabeth Martin, Emily Davis and sour-looking Rebekah Van der Geld.

The girls smiled. Rebekah stared. She sat with her back straight and rigid as though she was ready to pounce on any subversive political idea. The black bonnet she wore was too big for her head. Julia thought she looked ridiculous.

“We weren’t certain that you would come,” Trudy said. “We heard about Edward.” Her voice was sweet and genuine.

Julia liked her and her twin sister. Their older brother George was considering enlistment. She sat down next to them. “Has George decided?”

“He wants to go,” Trudy said, “but fears what it will mean for Mother.”

Elizabeth leaned forward. She looked exactly like her sister but for a few freckles on her nose. “George has been the man of the house ever since Father passed away. He feels torn between two duties.”

“Both honorable,” Julia said.

Rebekah huffed.

Julia shot her a look. Sally stepped between them with a tray of cold tea. She smiled.

“It is warm this afternoon, isn’t it?”

Sally Hastings had a peaceful presence that could stabilize almost any situation. Julia envied her friend’s ability to do so. She wished she were more like her.

“Thank you,” Julia said as she took a glass.

“There are tea cakes as well,” Sally said. “Rebekah, will you serve them?”

Rebekah got up from her seat and did as Sally asked, though not as graciously as her host. Julia took an orange-glazed tea cake from her tray if only to be polite.

“How is your father feeling?” she asked, knowing he had been ill with stomach pains.

Rebekah’s face softened but only a bit. “Much better, thank you.”

When the refreshments had been served, the young ladies got down to business.

“Well,” Sally said. “We have finished our other projects and given what has been happening these last few weeks, I thought that perhaps we might do something different today.” She paused, eyes sweeping the room. “We all know at least one man who has gone to serve. Perhaps we could take on a project for the regiment.”

Elizabeth looked delighted by the suggestion. “I have heard that there is a group of ladies in Carroll County who are at this very moment sewing a coat for General Lee.”

Trudy nodded enthusiastically. “Yes. Yes. Let’s do something of that sort.”

“Why?” Rebekah grumbled. “Your men left in full uniform.”

Emily Davis was an only child and had no relatives serving as of yet but she liked Sally’s suggestion as well. “What about sashes?”

Sally nodded, though hesitantly. “Yes, but wouldn’t that be only for officers?” She looked about the circle.

The women had no idea.

“What about a regimental flag?” Elizabeth suggested.

“That could get you arrested,” Rebekah announced. “Haven’t you read the paper? No displays of Confederate regalia, no Confederate music… Why I even read a notice concerning red-and-white-striped stockings.”

“For goodness’ sake, what is wrong with striped stockings?” Sally asked.

“Red and white have been deemed pro-secessionist colors. Anyone found wearing such could be arrested.”

Sally blew out her breath and Julia’s face heated as she thought of her own red and white stockings which were tucked beneath her hoop and petticoats. Part of her feared catching the attention of some impudent Yankee rascal on the way home. The defiant streak in her wished to display the stockings proudly.

“Well,” Elizabeth said. “If they insist on spying on our ankles then I suppose we will have to wear extra petticoats to hide them.”

“Indeed,” Emily said.

“Speaking of stockings,” Trudy said. “What about socks for our men?”

“You mean ordinary, plain ones?” Sally asked.

“Yes. Of course. Surely no one, even Yankees, could object to sending our men socks. They will need them for winter.”

The thought of Edward still on the battlefield come Christmas time was too much to bear. Julia looked at Sally. She must have been thinking the same about Stephen. Her chin quivered.

“Let’s hope it doesn’t last that long,” she said.

“Why are we so concerned with the soldiers?” Rebekah asked. “Aren’t we supposed to be making lace?”

The women stopped. They quickly looked at Julia.

“Oh, my dear, I am so sorry,” said Sally. “Forgive me. I can’t believe I forgot.”

Julia felt incredibly uneasy but it had nothing to do with Sally’s forgetfulness. “It is all right,” she said. “We have all had other things on our mind.”

A heaviness blanketed the room. No one seemed to know what to say and Julia had no idea where to begin.

“Dear me,” Emily said at last. “Samuel hasn’t gone, has he?”

“No,” Julia said, feeling the color creep up her neck.

“Finally, a wise man,” said Rebekah.

All eyes were on Julia. The knot in her stomach tightened. She couldn’t bring herself to say what she knew she must. She didn’t want her friends to know that her fiancé had refused to join her brother. She also couldn’t stand to hear Rebekah sing Samuel’s praises for doing so.

“The wedding,” she said weakly, “has been postponed.”

A collective sigh went about the room. Even Rebekah looked concerned.

“Edward was to be Samuel’s best man, wasn’t he?” Sally said, obviously thinking that was the reason.

“Yes.”

Julia’s friend tried to smile, to sound hopeful. “I am certain he will be home soon.”

“Yes,” Elizabeth said. “They all will.”

The women dabbed their eyes with their handkerchiefs. Emily then spoke. “I think we should continue with our original plan and work on Julia’s lace. That way everything will be ready when the time comes.”

The others nodded in agreement.

Julia tried to object. “That is very kind of you but it isn’t necessary.”

“Nonsense,” Sally said. “I would rather look ahead to happier times.”

“So would I,” Trudy said.

Julia could hardly argue with that. If looking forward to a wedding that would never actually take place was what it took to lift her friends’ spirits, then Julia would not interfere. Not today, when she was already uncomfortable and upset over her encounter with Samuel at the prayer meeting.

“Thank you,” she said meekly.

“Now,” Sally said, eager to begin, “which pattern did you choose?”

When the hall clock chimed four, they put their newly constructed lace in their baskets and agreed to meet again the following week. Julia was slow in packing up her supplies. She put away the dining room chairs while Sally bid her other guests goodbye. When she came back into the room, she spoke softly.

“I wanted to tell you something,” she said, “but I didn’t want to say it in front of the others, especially not Rebekah.”

“What is it?” Julia asked.

“My father will be handling the mail.”

Julia did not understand. Mr. Hastings was a member of the city council. “He has taken a new job?”

“No. The Confederate mail.”

“Oh.”

“When our brothers are able to write, the letters will come through special channels, not the regular post,” Sally explained. “Bring your letters here to mail them. It will be safer that way.”

Julia nodded. She hadn’t thought about how to mail letters to an opposing army but she was glad someone else did. “I hope we hear from them soon,” she said.

“So do I. Now…what is bothering you? I know it is more than Edward. You barely mentioned Sam at all today. That’s not like you.”

Julia sighed, hoping the others hadn’t noticed. “I was going to tell you. I just didn’t know how.”

“Tell me what? Did he do something to upset you?”

“It’s more what he didn’t do.”

“I don’t understand.”

Julia motioned to a chair. “Perhaps we should sit. This may take a while.”

Sally did so and as Julia spilled the entire story she listened most sympathetically. “Oh, Julia. I am so sorry. I didn’t know he held abolitionist views.”

“Neither did I, until recently. What do you think?”

“About Sam or slavery?”

“Both.”

Sally shrugged. “Slavery is legal but…”

“But what?”

“My father says there are some who abuse the law. That they treat their slaves as though they were subhuman. That’s not right.”

“I don’t think so either and I can understand why Samuel would be angry about that.”

“But?”

“But look at what has happened in our city. This has nothing to do with slaves. To say he will not fight because the Confederacy supports slavery sounds like an excuse to me. There is an army outside with guns. They are telling us what music we can and cannot sing, how we may dress. They opened fire on my family right in the middle of Pratt Street!”

“I know,” Sally said. “That’s why Stephen enlisted.” She paused. “And you’re angry with Sam because he didn’t.”

Julia looked at her. There was no need to reply to the last statement. Sally already knew her thoughts.

“You still have feelings for him, don’t you?”

Julia sighed heavily. To deny it would be a lie but to acknowledge them was to deny her brother’s honor.

“I can understand your dilemma,” Sally said.

“You can?”

“Certainly. If my fiancé refused to defend our city I would feel the same.”

She saw doubt in Sally’s eyes and she knew she was keeping something back. “But?” Julia encouraged.

Sally shrugged. “Perhaps it isn’t cowardice.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Sam is a man of conviction. Although it may not be the same conviction you share. It takes courage to stand up for what you believe when no one else believes the same.”

Julia sighed once more. “He came to the prayer meeting today.”

“What prayer meeting?”

“The one at the church.”

Sally looked embarrassed. “I forgot about that. Father must have as well. He said yesterday that we would attend.”

“It was only my family, Reverend Perry and Samuel.”

“Did he sit with you?”

Julia shook her head. She explained what happened after the service had ended.

Sally’s eyes widened. “He said he would honor your wishes?”

“Yes.”

“I see.”

Finality hit Julia with a thud. The engagement had been severed. Samuel Ward would not be her husband.

“I should have been more open with the others,” she said. “I should have told them everything.”

“Well,” Sally said slowly, “there is no need for gossip, especially from Rebekah.” She squeezed Julia’s hand. “Things will sort out in time.”

She knew Sally was right.

But how much time would have to pass before Julia knew happiness again?