Читать книгу Dispatches From Paradise - Shelly Gitlow - Страница 6

My room is filled with freakazoids who stare at me like I’m abnormal. Everyone says college is supposed to be so much fun, but I’m not having any. Mom and Dad are making me stick it out, but they just want me out of their way.

And this room assignment is like some kind of warped experiment. I asked for girls from Miami, New York, or L.A. but the twisted dormitory people stuck me in here. OMG, I am so stupid. My mom must have requested this room. The R.A. is right next door, so she can spy on us.

Jewel’s humming and rubbing her hands with antibacterial stuff. Now she’s covering her nose and mouth with that dumb mask. This girl is psycho-paranoid about germs. She’s like Chinese or Japanese, so I don’t think her name is really Jewel. All of a sudden, she’s in my face.

“You have grass.”

“I do not.”

I can’t understand her when she has that thing on. I think she’s busting me for weed, but she could be reminding me that I have class. I actually did score some. It helps me sleep.

Jewel flips her mattress, disinfects it, and makes her bed in less than two minutes. She’s a machine. I’ll never get back to sleep in this nut house. Sofia and Gus are doing it and not trying to hide the fact. Rebecca’s eyes are open, but she’s snoring loudly. That’s how you know she’s sleeping. It totally creeps me out.

And why am I in here? I had a minor drug problem. Mom made this humongous thing out of it. I was only doing pot, coke and x, but she blew it up and made me go to rehab. We went to therapy, so she should be cool. It pisses me off that she didn’t trust me enough to be in a normal room. There’s no way I just ended up in here. Thanks, Mom.

When I get out of my bed, Jewel starts stripping it.

“I bake bread.”

“You’re making my bed?”

She nods and bows. As I drag myself to the bathroom, Jewel runs ahead of me and sprays Lysol on everything. She backs out bowing.

“Queen Darcy.”

I’m clueless. Did she call me Queen Darcy or is she telling me that it’s clean? Either way’s cool with me.

“That’s great, Jewel. After you make my bed, can you iron my blouse?”

She nods excitedly and hugs me. I highly recommend having a roommate with OCD. I wouldn’t hang out with her, but if she wants to be my maid, that’s pretty awesome.

While I’m on the toilet, Sofia, the biker babe, bangs on the door.

“Open up. It’s an emergency.”

“Can’t. I’m in the middle of something.”

I thought Sofia was going to be cool, and that we could be friends. She’s Hispanic, from New Jersey, and I consider myself an honorary Latina because I grew up in Miami. But right after she moved in, her thug boyfriend Gus showed up, and they’ve been hanging out in her bed ever since.

“Come on, Darcy. The jiz is dripping down my leg. I only need the sink.”

The thought of that makes me throw up a little in my mouth. But too bad. I’m used to having my own bathroom, and I need my privacy.

“Try the kitchen.”

A heavier hand pounds on the door.

“Let her the fuck in there, you stupid cunt!”

I wipe quickly, and as I’m pulling up my panties, Gus flings the door open, scowls at me, and pushes me out.

“There you go, baby. It’s all yours.”

I get out of Sofia’s way. Gus is wearing a wife-beater and briefs, showing off his fat, ugly, tatted body. When I walk by him, he hocks up a phlegm ball and pretends he’s going to spit it on me.

“You do that, and I’ll . . .”

“You’ll what? Get your mommy?”

He lurches forward like he’s going to pop me in the face. I don’t flinch.

“Fuck off, before I get your ass kicked out of here.”

My hands start to shake. I squeeze them tightly so he can’t see. Gus swallows his pride and clomps back to their little love nest. Meanwhile, Jewel’s hyperventilating, and Rebecca’s holding a paper bag for her to breathe into. Jewel chills out and puts her mask back over her mouth.

“Frank who.”

Translation: “thank you.” Rebecca and I look at each other and crack up. She’s kind of okay, especially for an Amish chick. But she’s pretty strange too. She has cuts all over her arms. And whenever she drinks, she cries and says she wants to go home. I think she’s on some kind of meds for depression.

“Are you all right, Darcy?”

She strokes my hair. I pull away.

“Yeah, sure.”

“I made coffee. Want some?”

“Sounds good.”

Rebecca came to college after Rumspringa. I never heard of that, but she told me that when Amish kids are like 16, they can leave their community for a year. Most of them drink, do drugs, have sex, and then go back home. But a few decide to ditch the whole Amish thing. That’s what she did.

We get our coffee and plop down on the ripped, dirty couch.

“I can’t believe you said that stuff to Gus.”

How did I have the balls to say that? Maybe I’m not brave, just stupid. Or maybe I’m self-destructive, like that know-it-all shrink said. Whatever.

“No big deal.”

“I could never do anything like that. I wish I could be more like you.”

She puts her hands together like she’s praying and stares at me. Awkward!

“Me? Why would you want to be like me?’

“You’re beautiful and so sure of yourself.”

“No way. I know I have the looks, but that’s about it. And if you want, I could help you and like give you a makeover.”

“Would you really? “

“Sure.”

My phone rings. I jump up to get it. It’s Mom. Not that I want to talk to her, but at least it gets me away from Rebecca.

“Darcy, it’s your mom.”

“Duh.”

“How are you doing?”

“I could leave this hell hole anytime, not that you care.”

“Of course I care, but you know how I feel, so let’s not do this again.”

“But Mom, you’re not listening.”

“That’s right. I called because I have something to tell you.”

“So, what is it?”

“Your father moved out today.”

“Wow.”

“Actually, I asked him to leave.”

“You finally got the guts.”

“Well, uh, you know he was cheating on me.”

“Yeah, for the millionth time. I can’t believe it took you this long to kick him out. He’s my dad and all, but he’s a total dog.”

“I’ve been planning it for a while. But I waited until you were gone, so you wouldn’t have to deal with it.”

Am I supposed to say thanks? I always knew things were crappy between them and that Dad was a total womanizer. And I wondered why Mom put up with it. I don’t believe it was for my benefit. She can play the martyr, but I think she wasn’t ready to deal with it.

“That’s bullshit, Mom. We both know it.”

“How so?”

“You were afraid.”

“Of what?”

“Being alone.”

“Not true.”

“Or maybe you didn’t want to hurt his feelings. You know how you are.”

She’s way too nice. It gets her into trouble.

“Wrong. I was waiting for the right time.”

“Whatever. So where did he go?”

“Janice’s, I guess. But I really don’t care.”

I’ve met Janice. He’s been introducing me to his “friends” since I was little. She’s better than most of them, but still not my type. She’s one of those society-lady wannabes, always going to some charity function, and looking for her picture in the paper. Plus, she’s had way too much work done. I’m sure my dad loves her ginormous, in-your-face boobs and her tacky hair extensions.

“So are you okay, or do you have to go back to therapy?”

“Very funny.”

She gets that I’m goofing on her because she’s always asking me if I need to go back to therapy.

“Really, Mom, if you want me to come home I will.”

Please, please, please say yes, so I can bolt right now.

“No, sweetie. You should stay at school and concentrate on your studies. Don’t worry about me. Everything’s fine. I have to go to work, so I’ll talk to you soon.”

“Seriously, Mom, if you get lonely, I can be home in four hours.”

“Forget it, Darcy.”

“But . . .”

“I’ll see you at the end of the month, like we planned. Love you. Bye, sweetie.”

“Bye.”

I used to be able to play her better, but she’s on to me now, thanks to Dr. Epstein. He called me on my stuff and clued Mom in on how to handle me. I’m actually cool with the breakup. They weren’t happy, so why should they stay together? Maybe Mom has a boyfriend. That would be so weird.

It feels amazing to get away from school, even if it’s only Orlando. Barb’s driving, with Jen riding shotgun. These girls are normal, not like my whack-job roommates. I met them in my Feminist Literature class or “Clit Lit” as it’s called. I heard it was a cool course, so I signed up, and we hit it off right away.

We’re on the road to the Hotties Gone Crazy contest for the fiercest girl-on-girl threesome. It’s part of our project on the objectification of women, whatever that is. We’re getting credit for drinking and making out. How awesome is that? If all my classes were like this, maybe I could hack it.

I designed our outfits: skimpy bikini tops, tight microminis that barely cover our butts, and thigh-high metallic boots. We’re going to kill. I’m in the back seat, really hyper. I light up a joint, take a toke, and pass it to Jen. Barb goes ballistic.

“Are you serious? Put that out.”

Barb opens the window and waves the smoke out. Jen passes the joint back to me. I’m surprised, thought they’d be down for a little weed.

“What’s the deal, Barb?”

“God, Darcy. This isn’t Miami. They’re really strict about drugs here.”

Jen adds her two cents. “Yeah, you know, it’s like a family place, with all those theme parks.”

“Okay, okay. I was just trying to chill.”

I lean over the seat and massage Jen’s shoulders, loosening her up.

“Ummm. That’s good. Yeah, right there.”

Barb gives me a dirty look. She’s getting on my last nerve.

“Would you like a massage, Barb?”

“Hello. I’m driving.”

“Sor-ry.”

I sink back in my seat, close my eyes and take some deep breaths.

The Candy Bar is crawling with super-cute girls who obviously spent beaucoup time and money getting ready for this contest. They’re all perfect: tan, in great shape, not a hair out of place, anywhere. As we walk in, I can feel chicks staring at me with daggers. I’m used to it, so I flash them my million-dollar smile. Is it my fault I was born like this?

The crew guys give each of us a Big Gulp–sized “special drink.” It tastes like a mixture of lots of stuff, and it’s really strong. I hand mine to some girl who’s like totally loaded. She grabs on to my arm and won’t let go. Her lipstick is all over her face.

“I love you so much. Can I lick you?”

I’m about to ask where, but Barb steps in and pries her off. The three of us push through the crowd to the front, which is not easy. It involves stepping over a couple of passed-out hotties and some puddles of puke. While we’re waiting our turn, I make a move to kiss Jen. She pulls away and looks at me like I’m out of my mind.

“Darcy, stop it. Wait till we’re on camera.”

“Oh. I thought maybe we should like practice some more.”

Barb chimes in. “Why?”

“Duh. So we can win.”

“You’re not serious, right? We didn’t enter this to win. It’s just so we can write about how our society reduces women to sex objects.”

“I knew that.”

Yeah right. The truth is that she’s here to do research for our project, and I’m here to make out with Jen. Kissing her gets me really hot. Am I a lesbian? Maybe. Who cares? Mom would. Does it bother me? I don’t think so, but I’m not totally sure. I simmer down and watch the show. Gorgeous threesomes of girls are kissing and rubbing against each other. I’m mad turned on. Finally, they call us.

We start off like we planned. Barb is in back, Jen’s in the middle, and I’m in the front. Jen said I had the prettiest face and best body. Even though Barb was jealous, she agreed that I should go in front.

So Barb is grinding against Jen’s ass, and I’m turning my head so Jen and I can tongue each other. And Jen is putting her hand under my skirt. Unfortunately, she’s only pretending to play with me. Maybe if I move a little more toward her hand, she’ll really do it. Anyway, I’m like so totally into it, I barely notice Jen and Barb trade places. Barb reaches around and pulls up my top, exposing my girls to the immediate world.

“What the . . . ?”

I turn around and see Jen and Barb laughing and high-fiving. I should have known better. Threesomes never work with chicks. Two are always ganging up against the other one. I run off camera and put myself back together, but it’s a done deal. I know they got everything on film. It is so not fair. I never meant to show my boobs. That wasn’t part of the plan, at least not my plan.

The next threesome is in front of the camera. I’m trying to find Jen and Barb, but they seem to have disappeared in this crowded, smelly dive. What the hell’s going on? I calm myself down. It’s not such a big thing. Not like I want to be a neurosurgeon some day and my patients will see my tits on the Internet. Maybe it will help me get a modeling job. I have to get back to Miami and get my career started. I’m wasting my time here.

I can’t sleep, even with the weed. Those bitches totally set me up. But why? I thought they liked me. This kind of crap always happens to me. In middle school, my “friends” rigged up a webcam at Juan Castillo’s party. He and I were in his bedroom making out, and those pervs were in the living room watching us and cracking up. I survived that, and I’ll get through this too. Girls are jealous of me. I can’t change that.

As I head to the bathroom, Jewel comes out of nowhere and invades my space. She mumbles into her mask.

“Not now, Jewel. Move.”

I shove her out of the way so I can go to the bathroom, but she follows me and tries to come in. I lock the door, jump in the shower, and tune her out. The hot water calms me down. Grandma always tells me to take a shower when I’m upset. She totally gets me. I miss her. And then I remember that Mom and Dad split up. I almost cry.

I drag myself to my History of Civilization class. Like I care about what happened in the olden days. When I walk in, I see that everyone’s watching something and going wild. People are shouting all kinds of stupid stuff at me.

“Show us your tits, Darcy!”

“She’s a lesbo!”

“Who cares? I’d still do her!”

I look up at the screen and see myself at the bar last night. Holy shit! It’s the part where Barb pulls up my top and my boobs are set free, over and over, in a loop. Can I sue anyone? My dad’s a lawyer.

The professor’s trying to shut everyone up and find out who’s responsible for the entertainment, but no one’s listening. They’re all looking at me. It’s wicked embarrassing, but I calmly do a 180 and flip them all the bird as I walk out.

“Later, losers.”

On the way back to my room, I pass Sofia and Gus in the hall. They’re carrying suitcases. Gus looks scary mad and waves his fist in my face.

“I should mess you up.”

“Me? What did I do?”

“Leave her alone, Gus. Darcy’s cool.”

“What happened?”

“Someone narced on us, probably the Chink. So I got kicked out.”

“You’re lucky. This place sucks.”

“Big time. We’re out of here. See you on Facebook, chica.”

Sofia and I hug good-bye. Gus gives me “the nod,” and they take off.

Mercifully, Jewel’s in class, so I can pack in peace. I’m taking a 2:00 flight to Miami, so I’ll be home in a few hours. I should say good-bye to Rebecca. There she is, sleeping with her eyes open, snoring. I won’t miss that. Seriously.

“Rebecca. Get up. I have to tell you something.”

The girl doesn’t move a muscle. That’s not good. I go over to her bed and touch her arm. Nothing. So I shake her, still nothing. I’m getting a really bad feeling. I’ll leave her a note. This really isn’t my problem, and I have a plane to catch. I start writing the note, and all of a sudden, she bolts up in her bed, like she did some coke or something.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Where are you going?”

“Home. I can’t take this place anymore. And my mom and dad split up, so I figure they need me.”

“But I need you too.”

“You?”

“Yes. I was too scared to tell you, but, uh, um . . .”

“Just spit it out.”

“I’m in love with you.”

Oh no. What do I say? I don’t want her to kill herself because of me.

“What are you talking about? You’re not a lesbian and neither am I.”

“That’s not what I heard.”

“Don’t pay attention to those rumors. They’re not true. But if I was, I’m sure I’d be attracted to you.”

“Really?”

“Sure. Listen, I have to catch a plane. So have a great life.”

“I’ll try. Maybe Jewel will be my girlfriend. She’s not as pretty as you, but she sure is clean.”

“Yeah, well, good luck with that. Ciao.”

I grab my bags and race out of the room. She calls after me.

“I’ll always remember you, Darcy.”

And I’ll never forget my roomies in the Loony Suite. That’s for sure.

I’m ringing the bell at Janice’s house, but no one’s answering. I left Dad a message that I was coming. His car’s in the driveway. He must be here. I hear Susu barking. Finally, he opens the door, looking so stupid in his Lycra bike shorts. His gross belly is hanging over the top and his skinny legs are a joke, but he thinks he’s all buff and shit.

“Hi, Dad.”

“Darcy-girl. Get over here.”

We hug, and I see Janice sitting on the couch in the living room, staring at Dr. Oz on TV and smoking a cigarette. Dad comes outside and shuts the door, pushing Susu out of the way. This does not look good.

“Darcy, honey, I uh, Janice doesn’t . . .”

I’m pretty sure I know what’s coming, but I want him to have to say it to me. I like to watch him squirm.

“I’m sorry, uh, but you know how it is. Janice and I need to be alone right now. We have to cement in our relationship.”

At least he’s up-front. It’s easier to deal with his truth than Mom’s bullshit.

“Get real, Dad. You and I both know it won’t last anyway. And I’m your daughter. Don’t you think you should be a little concerned about me?”

“Of course I am. Why did you quit school?”

“You can’t imagine how bogus it was there. I totally hated everything about it.”

“Sorry to hear that. I never liked school either. Your mother was quite the student, but me, not so much. If it was up to me, you could stay.”

He looks like he might cave. Am I actually going to pull this off?

“But Janice won’t have it.”

“Come on, Dad.”

“It’s not my house. There’s no negotiating. I’m sure you can move back home with your mom.”

“Yeah, right. You know we don’t get along. And she’s going to be mega-pissed that I dropped out.”

Dad’s cell phone rings. He looks at it and walks away from me. It must be Janice.

“I’m taking care of it. Not a problem.”

He hangs up and makes a call.

“Can you send a taxi to 1609 Tigertail? Thanks.”

That’s that. So much for flesh and blood. He’s so pussy-whipped. At least I can try to make him feel guilty.

“Boy, Dad. I’m your only kid, and this is how you treat me? Thanks for nothing.”

“Wish I could help you out, but here’s a couple of bucks. Buy yourself a new outfit.”

I take the money because why not? That’s his usual deal. He thinks he’s buying me off. Maybe that’s not fair. Maybe it’s all he really has to give me. That makes me sad. The taxi pulls up, and I get in. Dad looks relieved.

“Okay, Dad. So I’ll see you some time.”

“Yeah. Let’s have dinner soon, okay?”

“Sure.”

We both know it won’t happen unless I bug him. I might not have the energy for it. I’ll be busy with my career. We wave good-bye to each other, as the taxi pulls away.

I pull up to Mom’s in the cab and out of nowhere this cute guy about my age shows up to help me with my stuff.

“Hi, I’m Cole, the new neighbor.”

Sweet. He’s not wearing a shirt and has a ripped bod. We take my bags into the living room. He eyes the pool.

“Hey, can I take a swim?”

“Great idea.”

He pulls off his shorts and has on these low-cut briefs, very hot.

“I’ll get into a suit. Go on.”

I watch him dive in and start swimming laps. He’s really good. I put on my Brazilian thong and join him.

“You’re a great swimmer.”

“That’s why we moved here from Cincinnati. I got a free ride at UM. I’m training for the Olympics in diving.”

“Wow. That’s cool. You’ll like Miami.”

There’s the grin. It happens this fast sometimes. I can’t help it.

“I already do. A lot. We met your mom this morning. My dad thinks she’s nice.”

“That’s awesome. Maybe you guys should come over for dinner?”

Mom and I are going to need some buffers.

“Sure. I’m down with that. And I know Dad will be too. But he’s a vegan and makes me eat healthy too.”

“Cool with me. I’m going to be modeling, so I should eat right.”

He gives me the once-over. Man, he’s adorable. Maybe I’m not a lesbian.

“You look perfect.”

“Thanks, but the camera adds weight. And the competition’s like fierce.”

“I know what you mean. It’s the same in sports. I better help my dad finish unpacking. So I’ll catch you later.”

“Yeah. Come over around 7:30.”

We get out of the pool. I can see everything through his wet undies. Not bad. I relax in a lounge chair. It is so good to be home. I can finally breathe. Cole goes inside to put on his shorts. Just as he’s pulling them up, Mom walks in. Figures. She looks good, like happier or something. She’s wearing shorts and Tevas, very tree-huggerish. I see her face tighten, but then she smiles at him. Maybe this won’t be so bad.