Читать книгу Beach Lane - Sherryl Woods, Sherryl Woods - Страница 10

At the sound of the door opening, Susie glanced up from the contract she’d been reading for the past hour without one single word registering. An automatic smile had her lips curving up until she recognized Mack.

“Oh, it’s you,” she said, her tone flat. To her chagrin, her pulse skipped several beats despite her mood. Apparently chemistry was slow to catch on to reality. Thankfully, Mack couldn’t possibly know all the conficting emotions churning inside her.

Mack winced. “I gather you’ve heard the news.”

“From my family,” she confirmed accusingly. “Why would you let me find out something that monumental from my family, Mack? How could you do that to me? You had to know how humiliating it would be.”

“Sorry,” he said, looking genuinely contrite. “Really. The honest-to-goodness truth is that I just couldn’t work up the nerve to tell you. I’ve dealt with my share of humiliation since this happened.”

On some level she understood his reluctance, the blow to his pride, but she couldn’t let it pass. Communication was the one thing they’d always had going for them. If they lost that now, she was afraid they were doomed.

“Mack, we keep saying we’re friends, but it doesn’t seem like it to me right now. If you can’t even tell me that you lost your job, then what kind of friendship do we really have? Is it some superficial thing that’s good for a few laughs? Am I just some woman you hang out with to keep from being bored?”

His expression pleaded for understanding. “Susie, this isn’t about you and me, what we are or aren’t to each other. I’m the one who lost a job that meant everything to me. Don’t try to make it about something else. I can’t fight that battle right now.”

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I have to. This is like some huge turning point for us on so many levels. Can’t you see that?”

He sat down on the chair beside her desk. Though he obviously still didn’t want to have this conversation, he settled in, apparently ready to have the talk they should have had days ago.

“Okay, hear me out,” he said, a coaxing note in his voice. “This just happened a little over a week ago. I was trying to absorb the news, work through what it meant for the future.”

“Thus the funk,” she said.

“Exactly.” He regarded her earnestly. “I wanted to have a plan before you found out. I needed to feel as if I was in control of the situation.”

“Mack, I adore you, but you don’t think that fast.” When he was about to protest the insulting comment, she added, “What I’m saying is that you ponder things, think them through from every angle. It’s a good trait in many ways, but it’s not a fast track to decision-making. You had to know the gossip mill in this town would beat you to the punch.” She couldn’t keep the hurt out of her voice when she repeated, “I should have heard this from you, not from my family, who heard it on the street.”

“Okay, you’re right,” he said apologetically. “I knew I was taking a huge risk, but I didn’t want to see that look in your eyes, the one you have right now.”

She couldn’t imagine what he meant. “What look is that?”

“You feel sorry for me. No man wants a woman’s pity.”

Susie rolled her eyes. It was such a guy comment. “I do feel sorry for you, but certainly not because I think you’re some kind of failure, if that’s what you mean.”

He shrugged. “More or less.”

“Well, here’s a news flash. I feel bad for you because I know how much that job meant to you. You live and breathe sports. That column was all tied up in who you are. It gave you a very public professional identity. Losing it has to be killing you.”

He looked vaguely relieved by her words. “That’s exactly it,” he said.

“You don’t have to sound so surprised that I get it,” she said wryly. “I’ve had a lot of years to figure out what makes you tick.”

He met her gaze. “I really am sorry about how you found out about this.”

She gave him an amused look. “Do you actually know how I found out? Not just that it came from my family, but the circumstances?”

“Your father filled you in?” he guessed.

“And my mother and my brothers,” she said. “They staged an intervention to warn me against getting involved with you right now.”

For the first time, he looked truly guilt stricken. “Geez, Susie, I am so sorry.”

“They forced me to consider for the first time that I must not mean much to you if you’d keep such a huge secret from me.”

“You know that’s not true,” he said emphatically, then studied her closely. “You do know it, don’t you?”

“Actually, no, I don’t. And to make this little intervention of theirs even more fun, Matthew also mentioned that he and Luke had warned you to stay away from me. Why on earth didn’t you tell me about that? I was horrified.”

He waved it off. “Trust me, it was no big deal. They were just being protective brothers.”

“Then what they said had nothing to do with why you and I, well…” She couldn’t quite bring herself to put it into words. “Why we haven’t, you know, done anything?”

He blinked in apparent confusion, then caught on. “No,” he said quickly. “Hell, no. We’ve just had these boundaries between us. I guess I always knew the rules. Heaven knows, you were clear enough about them, made sure I understood that we had this totally platonic thing going on.”

Susie sighed. “Forget the stupid rules, Mack,” she snapped impatiently. “I’m sick to death of them.”

Looking a little stunned by her vehemence, he stood up and started to pace, then paused to meet her gaze. “We talked about this on Thanksgiving, Susie. Now’s not the time—”

“Who says?” she challenged.

“I do,” he told her. “And your whole family, for that matter. Didn’t you listen to what they said?”

“They don’t get a say.”

“I just think it’s for the best,” he insisted stubbornly.

Susie knew better than to push too hard right now, no matter how badly she wanted to. As she’d told him earlier, she sensed they were at a turning point, but with Mack’s career in turmoil, he wasn’t ready to make another life-altering decision. She had to respect that.

“Okay, then, let’s figure out what comes next for you,” she said briskly, letting the rest go for now. They’d get back to it. She made a promise to herself to be sure of that.

He paused in his agitated pacing and stared at her. “You sound as if we can do that between now and your next appointment,” Mack said, sounding vaguely disgruntled. “It’s not going to be that easy. Right now I’m thinking I might have to put out feelers, see what else is out there and then move to wherever I can find a job opening.”

Susie didn’t even attempt to hide her stunned reaction. “You’d leave Chesapeake Shores?” she asked in dismay.

He nodded, though he looked almost as miserable as she was feeling. “I might not have a choice.”

“No,” she said flatly, determined not to have things end between them before they’d even gotten started. And if Mack left now, they would surely end. Distance, especially with their undefined relationship, would kill whatever chance they had.

“That’s not going to happen,” she added even more emphatically. “You love it here as much as I do. Granted your experiences growing up in Chesapeake Shores were far different from mine, but this is your home, Mack.”

“Susie, it’s not that simple,” he argued. “Good jobs in journalism don’t grow on trees, especially not these days. Haven’t you been warning me about that for months now? I was the one who was an idiot. I thought my column was so successful, I’d be immune from cutbacks. Instead, it made me the perfect target. Even if I could find another newspaper job, the salary probably won’t be what I was getting in Baltimore.”

“Then create your own,” she blurted. “Your own job, I mean.”

Mack blinked at the suggestion. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me. Create a job for yourself.”

“Did you have something specific in mind?” he asked, sitting back down, his expression curious.

This was exactly why he should have talked to her the minute he was fired, she thought. Mack plodded through lists of pros and cons. She was quicker and much more creative, especially, it seemed, when it came to holding on to someone she didn’t want leaving her world.

Thinking on her feet, she said, “You could blog about sports on a national scale. That’s the big trend these days, isn’t it? Everything’s going on the internet. You have the experience and reputation. You’d have a built-in following.”

Though he looked intrigued, he shook his head. “I don’t see how it could bring in much money.”

“Build up a subscriber base, paid or unpaid,” she said, thinking off the top of her head. This might not be her usual area of expertise, but since Mack was in journalism, she’d been paying attention to the field recently. “The point would be to get hits. You get enough hits, you can find advertisers. Who knows, maybe you’d even be picked up by newspapers in syndication or something. I don’t know. It just seems like it could work. The internet is the future, isn’t it?”

“So my boss told me as he was kicking me out the door,” Mack said wryly. “Any other ideas?”

Her expression turned thoughtful. “Well, speaking as someone who wants to get real estate listings in front of a targeted local audience, what about starting a weekly newspaper right here? I know that seems counterintuitive, since newspapers are dying, but I think the local ones will continue to be in demand, if only as a vehicle for advertising.”

“I’m a sports columnist, not a publisher,” Mack argued. “Or even an editor. I haven’t had to worry about getting a paper out on time since college.”

“Have you forgotten everything you knew back then?” she asked.

“No, but…”

She frowned at his negative attitude. “These are just ideas, Mack. Don’t dismiss them out of hand or make excuses for why they won’t work. Think about the independence you’d have with your own blog. Or imagine how exciting it could be to start something brand-new, something that’s needed in this community. You could shape it into the kind of newspaper you always dreamed of working for.”

Mack continued to look skeptical. “I don’t know,” he murmured.

“Just think about it,” Susie ordered. “That’s my contribution for now,” she said. “I have an appointment. Go home and do what you do best, ponder. I’m not saying these two ideas are the only possibilities, but even you have to admit they’re interesting options. And either one is better than packing up and leaving your home.”

“True,” he conceded. “I knew there was a reason I came by here today.”

She gave him a chiding look. “You came by here to apologize for leaving me out of the loop,” she corrected. “Now that you’ve seen what a help I can be, next time maybe you won’t be so reluctant to talk to me.”

Mack grinned at her. “Of course, if I follow your advice and take on either of these challenges, I’ll be my own boss, and there won’t even be a next time.”

“Mack, there will always be a next time when you’ll need to make a choice about either trusting me or keeping something to yourself,” she said. “If this incident is an indication of some pattern, I’ll tell you now that I won’t stand for it.”

She was relieved to see that her comment actually seemed to shake him a bit.

She stood up, planted a kiss on his cheek, then walked out of the office. “Lock up when you leave,” she called back over her shoulder, not bothering to wait for him.

The man had a lot of thinking to do, and they both knew he’d do it best without her hovering over him.

She’d hover tomorrow. Or the next day. And probably for days after that.

Mack was too restless to sit around in his apartment. Over the past few years he’d gotten used to spending his evenings with Susie. Now that the truth was out and she understood his situation, there was no reason for that habit not to resume.

Okay, there was one reason. Things were obviously changing between them, and the timing for that still sucked, but he couldn’t seem to keep himself from walking over to her apartment around dinnertime. He needed a booster shot of her eternal optimism.

When she opened her door, he shoved his hands into his pockets and inquired casually, “Have you eaten yet?”

Her expression brightened. “You’ve seen my refrigerator. What do you think?”

Relief spread through him. Things weren’t going to be awkward between them, after all. Thank goodness for that. “Italian? Chinese? French?”

“Pizza?” she asked hopefully.

He shook his head. “Between you, Will and Jake, that’s my primary food group these days.”

“Are you complaining?”

“Not really, but I’d wanted to take you someplace a little fancier. How about Brady’s instead?”

She shook her head at once. “No way.”

He studied her with a narrowed gaze. “You don’t need to be worrying about the expense, Susie. I’m not destitute yet.”

“It’s not that,” she insisted. “We never go to Brady’s, except to the bar from time to time. It’s one of those places that people reserve for special occasions.”

“Maybe tonight’s a special occasion,” he said, suddenly determined to go to Brady’s for reasons that had more to do with pride than any real desire for an excellent crabcake.

“What are we celebrating?” she asked, looking suspicious. “You haven’t found some new job in Alaska or someplace else halfway across the world, have you? Are you going to stuff me with crabmeat and fine wine, then break the bad news to me?”

“Hardly. I thought we could celebrate getting past what happened.”

“If we start celebrating every time we move on after a disagreement, you’ll go broke.”

“A risk I’m willing to take. Now, are you really going to argue with me about going to the best restaurant in town?”

She held his gaze, then finally shook her head. “Not if it means so much to you.”

“Thank you,” he said solemnly. “That was easier than I’d expected.”

“Are you implying that I’m difficult?” she demanded, immediately irritated all over again.

He grinned. “You are,” he said without hesitation. “But it keeps things interesting. I’ve always been fond of a challenge.”

“I should think you have enough challenges on your plate right now without deliberately turning me into one.”

“I’m not responsible for your being a challenge. You just are.”

“Then I’m surprised you want to have dinner with me at all,” she said testily.

Mack laughed. “Come on, Susie. Let’s go before you work yourself up into a bad case of indigestion without having the first bite of food.”

She frowned but went with him. “I have no idea why I bother with you,” she muttered as she walked down the steps to the alley where his car was parked.

“Because I’m charming and sexy,” he suggested.

“No, those are the reasons I should steer clear of you,” she countered.

“Then it must be because I make you laugh.”

She smiled. “I’m sure that’s it.”

As he started the car, he glanced over at her. “Want to know why I bother with you?”

She looked flustered by the question. “I’m not entirely sure I do.”

“You need to hear this,” he said, suddenly solemn. “Because you ground me, you fascinate me and you make me feel like a whole person, someone worth loving.”

When she met his gaze, there were tears in her eyes.

“Oh, Mack, of course you’re worth loving,” she said softly. “You’re surrounded by friends who prove that, not just me. You have to let go of the past. Your father—who-ever he was—was obviously a worthless jerk, and your mother did the best she could. You’re worth a hundred of either one of them. When are you going to believe that?”

“I do sometimes,” he said, then added, “When I’m with you.”

And that’s why, no matter how this job mess worked itself out, he couldn’t let himself lose her. No matter what it took.

That one sweet moment in the car when Mack had admitted how she made him feel sustained Susie for the next week. She’d sensed that there was more he wanted to say. A lot more. But as always, he’d quickly made a joke that had altered the mood at once. And he’d keep things light all through dinner at Brady’s, casting a warning look in her direction any time she tried to turn the conversation to anything serious, or even remotely personal. She’d gone along with it, knowing he needed laughter right now more than he needed advice or even consolation.

Oddly, she’d concluded that evening feeling more hopeful about the two of them than she had for a long time. Not even Mack’s absence over the past few days had thrown her. He’d called regularly to let her know he was okay, but the brief conversations hadn’t been terribly revealing about how he was spending his time or what he was thinking about his future. She’d told herself to accept his need to work through things on his own. It was a struggle, but she was mostly succeeding.

In an odd way, it helped that she hadn’t been feeling all that great. In fact, today she’d actually gone home from the office, suffering from the worst cramps she’d ever had. She crawled into bed with a heating pad and slept most of the day away. She’d always had terrible periods, so she knew the drill.

When she woke up in the morning and the pain had gotten worse, she felt a momentary glimmer of concern. Something about this time felt different, but maybe she was just on edge about everything these days. At least, that’s what she told herself when she called her father and told him she was taking another sick day.

An hour later, there was a brisk knock on her door. Then a key turned in the lock before she could even think of stirring from bed, and her mother came in.

Susie immediately sat up. “Mom, what are you doing here? You’re supposed to be at school.”

“Your father called me. What’s going on?”

“Cramps. You know. It’s no big deal. Nothing to bring you racing over here.”

“Have you seen your doctor recently?” Jo inquired, worry creasing her brow.

“There’s no need. I had my annual checkup a few months ago. Everything’s fine.”

“How often have you had pain this severe?”

“It’s a little worse this time, but I’ve always been this way. Remember how often I had to stay home from school?”

“I thought you’d gotten over that long ago.”

“I guess when I started on birth control pills, it did get a little better,” she admitted.

“Are you still on them?” Jo asked matter-of-factly.

Susie blushed. “I haven’t had any reason to be. I took a break.”

“Well, maybe you shouldn’t have, if they were helping. Let’s call your doctor and get you checked out.”

Susie felt too lousy to argue. “Fine. I’ll call and make an appointment.”

“It’ll take weeks to get in, unless you tell him it’s an emergency. Where’s your address book? Do you have the number in there? I’ll call.”

“Mom, it’s not an emergency. By tomorrow I’ll be perfectly fine.”

“I’ll feel better if a medical professional tells me that.”

Susie regarded her mother curiously. “Why are you so worked up about this?”

Jo sat down on the edge of the bed, her expression drawn. “I’ve never really felt any need to get into this with you, but it’s obviously time I did.”

Susie regarded her with concern. She sounded so somber. “Get into what?”

“After I had Luke, I had to have a hysterectomy. For years I’d had symptoms very much like yours. After Matthew the doctor suggested I have one, but I refused. Your father and I wanted more children, and the symptoms weren’t that bad. I looked at the research on hyperplasia—that’s what I had, some abnormal cells in my uterus—and was convinced I could afford to wait. But when Luke was born, it was worse. They couldn’t stop the bleeding. They found the abnormal cells had spread. There was no longer any choice.”

Susie stared at her mother in shock. “You had cancer?”

“I suppose you’d call it precancer. The abnormal cells hadn’t spread beyond the uterus, and with that gone, along with my ovaries, the prognosis was good. I didn’t even need chemotherapy or radiation. You were much too young to be aware that any of this was going on. Since then, I’ve never really seen the need to talk about it, but I don’t like what’s going on with you right now. I think you need to get checked out. Will you do this for me?”

Susie nodded at once. “Of course, but you’re worrying for no reason. I promise.”

Her mother squeezed her hand. “I’m counting on that.”

She made the call to the doctor’s office, waited while Susie dressed, then insisted on driving her to his office.

Alone in the examining room, Susie sat on the cold, hard table and told herself that she was here only to put her mom’s fears to rest. There was no reason to panic. She’d been dealing with the same symptoms for years, and they hadn’t meant anything. They were more of a nuisance than anything else.

When Dr. Kinnear came in, he gave her a warm smile. “Under the circumstances, I’m glad you came in.”

Susie managed a wan smile in return. “I had no idea until today that there was any family history to be concerned about.”

“I’m glad your mother finally filled you in. Better to be safe than sorry,” he said. “Now let’s do a quick examination and see where we are.”

Gynecological exams had never been at the top of Susie’s list of favorite things, but this one proved more uncomfortable than most. At one point she nearly yelped out loud in pain.

Dr. Kinnear glanced at her. “Tender there?”

She nodded.

He patted her knee. “Okay, then. That’s it for now, but I’d like to have you go in for another test.”

Susie regarded him with alarm. “You found something?”

“Maybe,” he hedged. “I can’t say with certainty without more tests. There’s no need to start worrying yet. An ultrasound will be more definitive.”

An ultrasound wouldn’t be so bad, Susie thought. “And then?”

“Perhaps a biopsy.”

She swallowed hard, trying to force the words past the sudden lumps in her throat. “What?” she asked eventually. “What do you think’s going on?”

“There could be a problem with one of your ovaries. More than likely it’s nothing more than a cyst, but we don’t like to fool around with this. We’ll want answers as quickly as possible.”

Susie read between the lines and guessed what he wasn’t saying. “It could be ovarian cancer?” she asked, stunned.

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, okay?” he soothed. “I’ll get you in for that ultrasound in the next day or two. My receptionist will make the appointment and call you.”

All Susie knew about ovarian cancer was that it could be deadly, because it was generally caught too late. This morning she’d thought she was simply having a particularly painful period, and now she could die? She couldn’t even begin to process it.

Again Dr. Kinnear gave her a reassuring look. “One step at a time, young lady. If you have questions at any time, call me. We’ll find the answers, and whatever the situation is, we’ll deal with it.”

She nodded. After he’d left the examining room, she sat there frozen.

A few minutes later, her mother stepped into the room. Susie met her gaze.

“He told you?”

Her mother nodded. “He told me there’s no cause for alarm yet. You are not to panic, okay? Neither one of us is going to panic.”

Susie nodded, then gave her mother a plaintive look. “Is it okay to be scared out of my wits?”

Her mother gathered her into her arms. “We can be scared together, but we are going to think positively, Susie. I mean it. No negative thoughts. People do beat ovarian cancer, and we’re not even sure yet that you have it. It could be nothing more than a cyst, okay?”

Susie blinked back tears. “Got it.” She hesitated. “Mom, can we keep this just between us for now? It’s not as if we know anything. I don’t think I could stand having Dad and everyone hovering.”

“If that’s what you want,” her mother agreed. “I do wish you’d consider telling your grandmother, thought.”

“Why Gram? It’ll only worry her.”

“But she’s the one with the direct link to God,” Jo said with a smile. “I think her prayers are exactly what you need right now.”

Susie smiled back. The whole family counted on Nell O’Brien to save them. The rest of them might be believers, they might be churchgoers, but it was Gram’s faith that was steadfast, no matter what the crisis.

“Let’s see what happens with the ultrasound,” Susie said. “If there’s a problem with that, then we’ll call in the big guns.”

Her mother met her gaze. “What about Mack?”

“What about him?”

“I think he’d want to know.”

Susie shook her head. “It’s not like that between us.”

“Remember how upset you were that he’d kept losing his job from you? How do you think he’ll feel if he finds out about this later?”

“I can’t tell him,” Susie said simply. “Not until I know more.”

Because if she needed to have surgery, if she couldn’t have children, it would change everything between them. And, of course, if she wasn’t one of those who beat the odds, they’d have absolutely no future at all.