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INTRODUCTION

Simon & Mark

Dr Mayo: So, we’re the Movie Doctors?

Dr Kermode: Well strictly speaking only one of us earned our title. Yours is an honorary doctorate. Mine was earned by actually writing a thesis on modern horror fiction.

Dr M: Well mine was earned by actually looking so fabulous in a gown, they decided to give me another one. So we are both, strictly speaking, doctors.

Dr K: Yes but neither of us is a medical doctor. However as ‘movie doctors’ we are well aware that some movies need medical attention . . .

Dr M: And also how other movies can make you feel happier, make you nicer and well . . . weller?

Dr K: I think you mean healthier.

Dr M: I think you’re right, I do. And have we constructed a rather fine conceit around this?

Dr K: Indeed. So. Imagine you’re a movie in need of medical attention – you might be far too long, or unnecessarily upbeat, or be in need of a live organ transplant . . .

Dr M: . . . or you might be an actual human patient in need of a cure for a broken heart, tinnitus or . . .

Dr K: Celluloid or humanoid, the Movie Doctors’ Clinic will help.

Dr M: Films will be referred to the relevant department, depending on whether they need a bit of cosmetic surgery or something more drastic.

Dr K: You can find Michael Bay’s films in the recovery room.

Dr M: And patients?

Dr K: Unlike in a real hospital, waiting times for patients’ clinics is minimal.

Dr M: From the moment you arrive at our doors, we’ll diagnose you and suggest cures for your problems. We’ve colour coded everything so you don’t get lost —

Dr K: Or find yourself accidentally incorporated into a Human Centipede.

Dr M: So sit back, dip your hand into your bucket of corn-based snack and enjoy this beautifully designed, elegantly written and strikingly affordable movie concept book. Nurse, the screens . . .