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Ambition and performance trap: love and respect for everyone?
// By Simone Janson

The desire to be the best, always and everywhere, arises from a mixture of ambition and fear. It is reinforced by brooding. Caused by parenting mistakes. And ultimately there is a very simple reason: everyone wants to be loved.

Pondering makes problems worse

Science has proved that the longer and more detailed we ponder on a problem, the more difficult it is to find a solution to the problem. For example, because we and the consequences are far worse than they are - we are catastrophic. Panic arises. You get even more scared.

This is already a way to a solution: if you know that it doesn't necessarily lead to a better result, if you try harder, you can leave it alone. You can get this mechanism clear with a simple signal - every time you start pondering, according to “Stop!” say. Or attach a rubber band to your wrist and pull it.

Simply switch off and disassociate!

Or Simply switch off. To make a sport. Relaxation exercises or yoga. So that you can balance your stress hormones.

Realize that things may not be as bad as expected. For example, also linguistically: You tend to exaggerate like “this is all totally terrible”. Because our brains are categorized out of convenience so that new things can be processed more quickly.

The brain outlined. Just ask where exactly the problem now looks. Less black and white thinking. The Problemberg, which one may perhaps see before him, divide. This makes the problem smaller, decatising.

If then…

A last, very important aspect: for these fears there may also be a very banal cause. Everyone wants to be loved and acknowledged. But if you learned very early in your childhood that you are only loved, if you do a lot, then you might have the calculation in mind:

If I do everything really great and perfect, I get recognition, that is, love from the boss and colleagues. Only then will I be worth something Or: If I look great, the man loves me more. Conversely, however: if it doesn't work, I'm not loved.

And just because of this desire for recognition out then you do stupid things: You can be burdened eg mountains of work, because you do not dare to say no - the boss, the colleagues, the man could be mad at you. So love withdrawal. I exaggerate that quite deliberately - maybe you are only afraid of the conflict, want to have his peace.

Convention prevents saying no

And it is also a social convention, especially with women, that you are not loud, not rebelled, not "fidgeting", well-behaved yes, smiles nicely. Maybe the others have got used to the fact that everything is always organized, managed, thrown out and don't see the problem.

How strong this convention is, how much the boss, colleague, husband expects, is always noticed when you say no - then suddenly all are very, very, very surprised. One more reason to give it a try. If you do not dare, you can try it on a test basis in points where it is not so important - such as with small test balloons. Just look how far you can go to see what happens. Can be fun too.

No-say helps with time management!

This is so important because it is the solution to many time management problems: If you just think about it, what I want and what I care about and then focus on it and not from other people of its goal has already gained much.

Or by simply turning off the phone, the eMails not calling etc. It is important, however, that you argue your “no” well. The moment you freak out of sheer stress, it's already too late. You have to start much earlier and, for example, explain to the boss that he has more of it when they come to work rested. Or show that you can do the same in less time.

Respect please!

Because that's perfidious: the others often do not take it as badly as you might think. In Amy Chua's book, there is a very nice example: The older daughter, who always does well, what the mother says is shouted because she did something wrong.

And she complains that the younger daughter, who rebels against her and always defies, is never yelled at, but on the contrary bribed with gifts.

The others are always promoted

And it is exactly the same in professional life: it is not the promotion of those who have done a great deal. Because this is often the people who can not show themselves so well. And because the boss thinks: Hard working beekeeper, super, keep doing so.

But he does not respect the performance. This is exactly the case, according to a study by the Respect Research Group at the University of Hamburg. One is much more respected, if one is to its aims and which communicates friendly, but definitely.