Читать книгу To See The Light Return - Sophie Galleymore Bird - Страница 4

Dorcas staggered through the door with another heaped basin and slapped it down on the tray table beside the bed, the weight of its descent toppling her centre of gravity. She half-fell, half-slid into a chair and mopped at her forehead with her sleeve. In her bed on the other side of the tiny room, Alise was already wolfing down the contents of her own over-sized bowl, humming happily to herself.

Primrose eyed the food and farted. It was barely audible and failed to ease her cramped digestion. She didn’t blush. She was long past blushing.

‘You’ve got to be joking, I’ve only just finished breakfast!’

‘Too bad, got to make your quota and you’ve only a couple more days to go.’

Wearily, Primrose heaved herself up on her elbows and tried to get comfortable, pulling limply at pillows.

‘Hear, you let me do that, you concentrate on them calories.’ Dorcas shoved her forward, or as far forward as her belly would allow, and fussed with the pillows. Once she was satisfied they were flumped enough, Primrose was pushed back and the tray table wheeled over her lap. ‘Now girl, you get stuck in.’

Primrose sighed, picked up the fork and stared glumly at the pile of glistening off-cuts from pork chops, bacon fat, remnants from slices of white bread, burger chunks, bits of pasta and left-over curry that filled the basin. Cunningly hidden were a few of the things Dorcas knew she loved; roast potatoes, sausages, nubs of cheese.

Dorcas saw her expression and wheedled, ‘Get that lot down and I’ll bring you some chocolate with your bedtime pudding and hot milk.’

Chocolate. Creamy, sweet, melting chocolate.

Primrose shovelled a bit of pork fat onto her fork and into her mouth. Dorcas poured out a drink from the bottle on the bedside table and handed it to her. Sweet fizz bubbled up and made everything taste the same.

On the other side of the room, Alise belched.

‘What about when one of them dies?’

‘Ever heard of foie gras?’ Primrose could almost hear Dorcas’s sly wink. ‘It’ll go down a storm across the water.’ Shrieks of laughter met this remark, and cries of, ‘You are terrible.’

A shudder rippled slowly across her body and made the old bedsprings creak. They thought she couldn’t hear them joking, Dorcas and Ivy, the new girl taken on to help look after them, folding sheets in the corridor outside the room. Or – and the thought made Primrose sweat more than the food she was failing to digest or the humid air in the room – they knew and didn’t care. Who cares if the livestock can hear the farmer whetting the knife?

Well, she cared.

It hadn’t been like this when she first came to the farm. She was more mobile then and wouldn’t have stood for it. Now standing for anything had become a struggle and she had to lie down all the time, rolled from side to side to have her sores treated. On a good day. If Dorcas was busy she forgot, and Primrose was left in a peculiar state of numb agony from the places where her arse and back rubbed against rough sheets.

When she first arrived, she was served actual meals, served up as separate courses, on different plates, like in some fancy hotel from an old magazine. But as demand grew and Dorcas took on more ‘guests’, she started to complain about all the washing up, and began serving their food in basins, then the larger washing up bowls, everything thrown in together like swill. On days Primrose really couldn’t eat any more, when her system backed up and she vomited helplessly over herself and the bedclothes, Dorcas screamed about the mess, but mostly about the waste of good food, threatening that she should make her eat it again. If Primrose cried, Dorcas said she should let her starve, her family as well. Once she calmed down, she brought extra helpings of gritty ice cream to soothe Primrose’s throat, patted her on the head.

That night, after Alise finished masturbating and lay snoring and grunting in her sleep, Primrose had violent spasms of indigestion. She cried out for Dorcas, who was either out or downstairs in the kitchen with the CD player on, or just pretending she couldn’t hear. Primrose had heard Dorcas through the door, complaining about it, so she knew some of the others would let go in the bed sometimes, the effort of getting to the bathroom or onto a pot just too much for them. I’m not quite there yet, thought Primrose, I can’t lie here and shit myself.

She peered over the side of the bed, leaning as far as she dared without tipping out, but couldn’t see the pot. Agnes or Ivy hadn’t brought it back. She would have to go to the bathroom, three doors down.

It had been over a week since she left her room, and the last time she got properly out of bed was to sit in the chair while Dorcas stripped the sheets and sprayed the mattress with disinfectant: ‘Just in case.’ For a moment, remembering that, the girl felt like shitting herself just to spite the old cow; a flood of anger gave her the energy to move, slow and lumbering, inching across the mattress to the side of the bed and heaving herself over it, onto feet and knees and hips that protested at the strain.

After putting in a handful of sawdust and replacing the lid over the stinking contents of the communal bucket, Primrose shuffled back out into the corridor in her worn slippers, and along to the head of the stairs. The house was silent, not even a sound from the kitchen where the night nurses – guards really – could usually be heard complaining about their luck at cards as Dorcas quietly and expertly stacked the deck.

It wasn’t until Primrose was making her slow way back to bed that the thought occurred to her, a thought that had tried to surface before, that fear had pushed down before it could emerge fully. She didn’t have to stay here. Some of the others had signed contracts but she had been too young when she first arrived, and Dorcas had neglected the paperwork when she turned sixteen; legally, Primrose could leave. She stood at the top of the stairs, let the idea take shape.

It was terrifying. What would she do then? Where could she go? Her parents wouldn’t take her back, they would return her to Dorcas for the sake of their weekly stipend and their pride in doing their bit. She wobbled, literally, and had to hang on to the banister for support.

But she hated it here. Not just the force feeding and farming, but the boredom, the lack of privacy. The loneliness, the discomfort; the knowledge there would never be anything else other than maybe a new book or magazine for her to read. An ex-librarian, reading was about the only occupation Dorcas encouraged besides jigsaw puzzles or cards, reasoning that it was unlikely to consume too many calories. Her library had been the last in Devon, closing when Dorcas became farm Matron. Most others shut down before Devolution, victim of austerity cuts according to her old teacher, Mrs Prendaghast. Just another thing from history to Primrose’s generation; another thing they couldn’t have.

Much of what she read mystified her, particularly the pre-Devolution magazines. The ‘real-life’ stories were so shocking; lurid and violent. Was that really how people behaved back then? And the apparently famous people in the pictures looked so odd: both sexes with shiny faces that looked like they had been inflated, the women with skinny bodies and huge boobs or bottoms. Or they were fat, like her, in which case they were ashamed, or ‘fighting the flab’, or ridiculed for not being ashamed.

Which made Primrose feel really bad, like she should feel guilty about her weight, though she had no control over it. She realised not much had changed. The staff, the occasional visitors, all looked at her like there was something wrong with her.

It could be like that, out there, if she left. Should she take the chance?

If she stood here much longer she would either unnerve herself completely, or else a night guard would come and bully her back to bed. Once there it would be too hard to climb out again and she would stay, getting fatter and fatter until she couldn’t move if she wanted to. One day they would cart her out on a stretcher that would need six men to carry it, for disposal, like she’d seen happen before.

She had to go now, while she almost had the nerve. There was no point going back to her room to get anything, she’d worn nothing but voluminous gowns or nightdresses for years, and luckily today was a nightdress day so at least her bum wouldn’t be hanging out of a hospital gown. She’d just have to hope her slippers would hold up, and her fat would keep her insulated if it was cold tonight.

Gripping the banister, she carefully lowered herself onto the next step, then one more, making it down to the ground floor in only a few minutes, her heart palpitating so her breath came high and thready and she had to rest at the bottom. Now there was only the hallway and the front door between her and freedom.

For one horrible moment, she thought the front door was locked, but after a moment’s panic she realised it was bolted. The bolt was high up and she had to lean her bulk against the door to slide it open but she managed it quietly and there was no sound from the kitchen to show anyone had noticed anything.

Outside the air was damp but not too cold. After the stuffiness of her room and the house, its freshness was shocking. There was no moon and plenty of cloud, and no one to see her as she made her slow way down the stone steps, where she was soon screened from the house by a dense laurel hedge flanking the drive. She had no firm plan or direction in mind. It was so long since she had left the house her memories of the village of Bodingleigh were fragmented, but she had grown up knowing where the fat farm was – everyone knew – and had a rough idea of how to find the school and the schoolhouse next door. Mrs Prendaghast had always been kind to her; Primrose hoped she might take her in.

The surface of the drive was pitted, eroded by decades of heavy rain channelling itself down the hill, but the road beyond was worse and her progress slowed even more as she struggled to keep her balance on the ruts. Her slippers kept coming off and it was an effort to stoop and pull them out of clods of mud, then slip them back on her sore feet. She was sweating and breathing hard even though she was going downhill, and the dark and quiet were so unfamiliar, after all these years of being indoors, that she was terrified.

It began to rain, pattering drops giving way to a steady downpour; soon her nightdress was plastered to her and she was shivering.

For half an hour, she had no company but the trees – whispering overhead as the breeze built up – and the occasional scuttling of something small fleeing from her, making her jump. But she kept going, gritting her teeth against the pain in her joints and chafing of her thighs, her wet nightdress clinging to her shins and making it even harder for her to walk. She lost her slippers in the dark and was too miserable to go back to look for them.

She made it perhaps half a mile before she heard a car engine approaching behind her. The sides of the lane banked steeply; there was nowhere for her to hide before headlights swung around the bend and she was trapped in their glare, blind. The car slowed wheezily beside her and a window stuttered down.

‘And where do you think you’re going, Missy?’ Dorcas’s tone was light, but Primrose could hear the anger underneath, sliding like knives under silk, ready to tear her head off. ‘You get yourself in this car, Primrose, or I won’t be held responsible for what happens to you.’

Defeated, hanging her head, the girl stumbled around the bonnet to the passenger side and fell into the seat, the car’s suspension complaining loudly as it dipped.

As she executed a clumsy reverse back up the hill, to make a five-point turn at the entrance to the drive, Dorcas berated Primrose at length. The girl was too sick with shame and disappointment to do more than hang her head and cry into her lap, and so she missed the note of fear behind the anger.

‘What were you thinking? Making me waste all this fuel finding you, selfish cow … and after all I’ve done for you, keeping you all these years, useless lump … You’d best hope Mr Spight doesn’t hear about this or we’ll both be…’

Frowning, Dorcas clamped her mouth shut, remaining silent throughout the time it took to get them back to the fat farm and up the stairs to Primrose’s room, hauling the girl mercilessly behind her and ignoring her whimpers. None of the other inmates appeared to see what was going on but Primrose could sense them behind the closed doors lining the corridor and imagined them straining their ears, agog at her attempted escape. Would they think she was mad, or secretly thrill at the thought of freedom? A momentary euphoria lifted her, but then it occurred to her that if Dorcas really wanted to punish her she could tamper with the anaesthetic. Leave her conscious throughout the ‘procedure’ and during the painful recovery period. Euphoria shrivelled and tears resumed as she clambered back into bed, her bleeding and filthy feet staining the sheets. Alise snored on, oblivious to the dramas being enacted in the waking world.