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Nervous Exhaustion

It was a Tuesday morning and everyone in the office was feeling cheerful. Howard was humming a tune and reading a magazine. Purvis and Mickey Thompson were playing a game and eating crisps. And Ortrud the very small elephant was frolicking, knocking things over.

‘LOOK OUT,

HOWARD,’

shouted Purvis, as Ortrud crashed into the coat-stand.

‘Oof,’ said Howard, as the coat-stand narrowly missed him.

‘That was close,’ said Mickey Thompson.

‘It’s ever so nice when Mr Bullerton’s away, isn’t it, Howard?’

‘Yes,’ said Howard. ‘Ever so.’

‘How long do you think he’ll be gone?’ asked Purvis.

‘Who can tell?’ said Howard. ‘I heard he’s been told by his doctor to have a long rest. He’s suffering from Nervous Exhaustion.’

Purvis gasped and Mickey Thompson dropped his bag of crisps. ‘Quite,’ said Howard.

‘Are you sure?’ asked Purvis.

‘I have it on good authority,’ said Howard.

‘Gosh,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘Nervous Exhaustion, eh?’

‘Bit of a shock, isn’t it?’ said Howard, flicking through his magazine.

‘Yes,’ chorused the mice.

‘I wouldn’t have thought it, would you?’ said Howard.

‘No,’ chorused the mice.

Howard resumed his humming and the mice exchanged glances. Mickey Thompson r^aised an eyebrow at Purvis, and Purvis shrugged. Mickey Thompson prodded Purvis, and Purvis coughed.

‘Er, Howard?’ said Purvis.

‘Mmm?’ said Howard.

‘What’s Nervous Exhaustion

‘Hazard a wild guess,’ said Howard.

‘Feeling nervous?’ hazarded Purvis.

‘And?’ said Howard.

‘Exhausted,’ said Purvis.

‘Exactly,’ said Howard.

Mickey Thompson selected a crisp and ate it, worriedly.

‘So what you’re saying,’ he said, ‘is he’s spooked and pooped.’

‘If you must,’ said Howard.

‘Poop

poopedy

pooped,’

said Mickey Thompson, loudly, and Ortrud started trumpeting.

‘Enough,’ said Howard.

‘But it isn’t like him,’ said Purvis. ‘Mr Bullerton’s normally so… so…’

‘Bossy,’ said Mickey Thompson.

‘Yes,’ said Howard, ‘and…’

‘Shouty,’ said Purvis.

‘Yes,’ said Howard, ‘and…’

‘S t o m p y,’said Mickey Thompson.

‘Yes,’ said Howard, ‘and…’

‘Angry,’ said Purvis.

Howard thumped the magazine down on the desk.

‘And,’ he said.

‘And what, Howard?’ asked Purvis.

‘And now I can’t remember what I wanted to say,’ said Howard.

‘He’s getting forgetful,’ muttered Mickey Thompson, to Purvis.

‘What?’ said Howard.

‘It’s a symptom,’ said Mickey Thompson.

‘What is?’ said Howard.

‘Forgetfulness,’ said Mickey Thompson, cheerfully. ‘You’re growing elderly.’

‘WHAT!’ shouted Howard.

‘We were discussing Mr Bullerton,’ explained Purvis.

‘I know we were,’ said Howard. ‘I am well aware of that, thank you very much, and I am NOT forgetful.’

‘Of course not, Howard,’ said Purvis.

‘I’m a young man in the prime of life,’ said Howard.

‘Yes, Howard,’ said Purvis, rummaging for tea bags. ‘But what do you think caused it? The Nervous Exhaustion, I mean.’

‘I don’t know,’ said Howard, ‘but I expect I shall get the blame, as usual.’

‘Maybe we should make him a get well card,’ suggested Mickey Thompson.

‘Maybe we shouldn’t,’ said Howard. ‘I’ve been given strict instructions to leave him alone, in peace and quiet.’

Purvis handed Howard a cup of tea, and Howard brightened.

‘And I’ll tell you what,’ he continued. ‘While Mr Bullerton’s away, I intend to enjoy some peace and quiet of my own.’

‘TRUMPET!’

trumpeted Ortrud, crashing into a rubber plant.

‘Tut,’ said Howard, as the rubber plant narrowly missed him. ‘What’s wrong with Ortrud? Why’s she hurtling?’

‘I’m not sure,’ said Purvis.

‘Why are you hurtling, Ortrud?’

Ortrud tooted , and hurtled faster.

‘LOOK OUT, HOW– Whoops, too late,’ said Mickey Thompson, as Ortrud smashed into a cupboard, and the cupboard landed on Howard.

‘Harrumph,’ said Howard, extricating himself. ‘What this elephant needs is fresh air and exercise.’

‘Shall I open the window?’ offered Purvis.

‘That won’t be nearly airy enough for this situation,’ said Howard, taking a gulp of tea. ‘I think we’d better take the day off and go out somewhere.’

‘HURRAY!’ cheered Mickey Thompson, bouncing.

‘Where shall we go?’ said Purvis, hopping. ‘Where? Where?’

‘Where do you fancy?’ said Howard.

‘Seaside?’ suggested Purvis.

‘Too salty,’ said Howard.

‘Countryside?’ suggested Purvis.

‘Too muddy,’ said Howard.

‘A woodland walk?’ suggested Purvis.

‘Too woody,’ said Howard.

‘Ooh. Ooh,’ said Mickey Thompson, waving his hand in the air.

‘Yes, Mickey Thompson?’ said Howard.

‘CRISP FACTORY,’ shouted Mickey Thompson.

‘Too… What do you mean, crisp factory?’ said Howard.

‘They conduct guided tours, and provide free samples. It says so, here,’ said Mickey Thompson, j a b b i n g the back of his crisp packet.

‘No,’ said Howard.

‘But, Howard,’ said Mickey Thompson.

‘No crisp factories,’ said Howard.

Mickey Thompson sighed, and ate another crisp, dejectedly.

‘I wonder what Ortrud would like to do,’ said Purvis. Everyone looked at Ortrud, as she started on another circuit of the room.

‘It’s difficult to tell,’ said Howard.

‘If only we could speak elephant,’ said Mickey Thompson.

‘THAT’S IT!’shouted Purvis, leaping up. ‘I’VE GOT IT!’

He shot under the desk and shot back out again clutching a green leaflet, decorated all over with pictures of happy-looking animals. ‘This is where we should go,’ he said, flapping it.

‘The !’

‘T O O T !’

trumpeted Ortrud.

‘HURRAY!’ cheered Mickey Thompson.

‘Too many animals,’ said Howard.

The mice gasped, and Ortrud skidded to a halt.

‘But you like animals, Howard,’ said Purvis.

‘Yes, Howard,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘Animals are lovely.’ He batted his eyelashes at Howard, energetically.

‘One can go off a thing, you know,’ said Howard.

‘But, Howard,’ said Purvis, looking a little upset.

‘Oh, go on then,’ said Howard. ‘The it is.’

‘TOOT!’

trumpeted Ortrud,

‘HURRAY!’ cheered Mickey Thompson.

‘There’ll be other elephants there, you see,’ explained Purvis. ‘I was thinking it might be good for Ortrud to meet them.’

‘It certainly can’t do any harm,’ agreed Howard.

‘Off we go, then,’ said Mickey Thompson, rushing towards the door.

‘Wait!’ said Purvis.

‘What?’ said Mickey Thompson.

‘We need to prepare,’ said Purvis.

‘Eh?’ said Mickey Thompson.

‘For the outing,’ said Purvis.

‘He’s right,’ said Howard, putting

‘There’s no sense in rushing these things. How long do we need?’

‘Around fifteen minutes should do it,’ said Purvis. ‘Certainly no more than twenty.’

‘Perfect,’ said Howard. ‘We’ll set off in twenty minutes.’

So everyone BUSTLED about preparing for the outing.

to keep him going, he said. Mickey Thompson put on a pith helmet and ate some more crisps. Purvis found a rucksack and zipped the leaflet into it. And Ortrud completed seven circuits of the room, C R A S H E D into a chair and flomped down in the middle of the floor, panting heavily.

‘Oh dear,’ said Purvis.

‘Nervous Exhaustion’ said Mickey Thompson, sounding knowledgeable.

‘I wouldn’t be at all surprised,’ said Howard.

‘Ortrud, hup!’ coaxed Mickey Thompson. ‘Hup!’

‘She won’t budge,’ said Purvis.

‘Can you carry her, Howard?’

‘If I must,’ sighed Howard, hoisting her up. Ortud trumpeted, complainingly, and went floppy.

‘She’s heavy,’ puffed Howard.

‘We’ll stop from time to time, for rests,’ said Purvis.

‘And conspicuous,’ grumbled Howard.

‘I don’t want to attract attention.’

‘Why’s that then?’ asked Mickey Thompson.

‘Because strictly speaking I should be working hard at my desk,’ said Howard, ‘not visiting s.’

‘I see,’ said Purvis.

Mickey Thompson pointed at Howard’s mac, t _a n _g l ^e d in the coat-stand.

‘That old mac,’ he said. ‘We can use it.’

‘My smart mac,’ corrected Howard. ‘How?’

‘As a disguise,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘If we drape it over Ortrud, it’ll look like you’re just carrying a bundle of any old something or other. No one will pay any attention at all.’

‘A trumpeting, elephant-shaped bundle of any old something or other,’ grumbled Howard, as he helped the mice drape the mac over Ortrud.

‘There,’ said Purvis.

‘That looks almost completely inconspicuous.’

‘Tremendous,’ said Howard, heading towards the door.

‘Now let’s get going.’

‘Wait!’ said Purvis.

‘What?’ said Howard.

‘Take your jacket off,’ said Purvis.

‘Certainly not,’ said Howard. ‘I’ve already given up my mac, and it’s starting to rain.’

‘I know,’ said Purvis.

‘Well, then,’ said Howard.

‘But listen,’ said Purvis. ‘Just imagine.’

‘What am I supposed to be imagining?’ said Howard.

‘Just imagine,’ said Purvis, dramatically, ‘someone comes into this room.’

‘Your point being?’ said Howard.

‘You’re supposed to be here, but you’ve GONE, ’ said Purvis. ‘To the ! Word gets back to Mr Bullerton, on his sick-bed, and it tips him over the edge, and he takes a turn for the worse and YOU are in BIG TROUBLE.’

‘Hmm,’ said Howard.

‘How would they know about the ?’ asked Mickey Thompson.

‘It doesn’t matter about the as such,’ said Purvis. ‘The point is, he’s not here.’

‘You said they knew about the ,’ said Mickey Thompson, and there was a small scuffle.

‘Stop that,’ said Howard.

‘So anyway,’ continued Purvis, ‘if we hang your jacket on the back of your chair, people will assume you’re still somewhere here in the building.’

‘Why will they?’ asked Mickey Thompson.

‘Because it’s pouring with rain,’ said Purvis.

‘“He can’t be far away from his hardworking desk,” is what they’ll think. “Only a fool would go out in this without a jacket on.” ’

‘Exactly,’ said Howard. ‘What do you take me for?’

‘But, Howard,’ said Purvis. ‘You don’t want to risk getting into trouble, do you? This way, you’re covered.’

‘Yes, in water,’ muttered Howard, as he took his jacket off and hung it over the back of the chair.

‘There,’ he said. ‘Happy now?’

‘I’m not sure,’ said Purvis. He studied the jacket, worriedly.

‘Do you think it’ll be enough?’

‘We could plump it out a bit,’ suggested Mickey Thompson.

‘How do you mean?’ asked Purvis.

‘Stuff something into it, and sit it on the chair,’ said Mickey Thompson.

‘Then it would look like an actual Howard.’

‘No it would not,’ said Howard, crossly.

‘We’d need some trousers,’ said Purvis, looking at Howard’s trousers, speculatively.

‘If you think I’m going to the

with no trousers on you’ve got another think coming,’ said Howard.

‘You’re probably right,’ said Purvis. ‘And even if we made it look really good, what if someone spoke to it? When it didn’t speak back it would arouse suspicion.’

‘How about some crisps?’ suggested Mickey Thompson.

‘You’ve had enough crisps for one morning,’ said Howard.

‘No, I mean open a bag and put it on the desk,’ said Mickey Thompson. ‘You wouldn’t have left the building in the middle of eating a bag of crisps.’

‘Good point,’ said Purvis. So they opened a bag of crisps and positioned them carefully on Howard’s desk.

Then they opened a packet of biscuits, and a carton of juice, and a packet of mints, and another bag of crisps, and positioned those too.

‘That’s enough now,’ said Howard.

‘It’s a pity there’s no cake,’ said Mickey Thompson, through a mouthful of biscuit.

‘Come along, come along,’ said Howard, ‘and let’s attempt to leave the building as quickly, and as quietly, and as inconspicuously as we can, can we?’

‘OK,’ said the mice.

‘OK,’ said Howard.

‘Let’s go,’ said the mice.

‘Let’s go,’ said Howard, and they all rushed out of the room and down the corridor to the lift as quickly and quietly and inconspicuously as they could.

‘PING,’

went

the

lift

doors,

opening, and they all rushed in.

‘We’re going to the announced Mickey Thompson, to the lift.

‘Shush,’ hissed Howard.

‘Very nice too,’ said the lift, as it

whooshed

them

downwards.

‘That’s a funny-shaped bundle he’s got there.’

‘Er, mmm,’ said Purvis, nervously.

‘What’s it saying?’ said Howard. ‘It’s saying something, isn’t it?’

‘No. Nothing,’ said Purvis, and Ortrud trumpeted.

‘Ooh, it’s the little elephant!’ said the lift. ‘I wondered what it was. What’s he got her all wrapped up for? She isn’t ill, is she?’

‘No,’ said Purvis.

‘Yes,’ said Mickey Thompson.

‘Which?’ said the lift.

‘Neither,’ said Purvis.

‘Both,’ said Mickey Thompson.

‘PING,’

went

the

lift

landing with a b^ump. The doors flew open and they all rushed out.

‘Wait!’ called the lift.

‘I’LL EXPLAIN LATER,’ shouted Purvis, as they ran across the foyer.