Читать книгу Notes of a Russian homeless. Humorous stories - StaWle Zosimov Wisewordski - Страница 2

P.s.: Link to the audiobook at the end of the book

After I wrote to my mother: “Come lard, hello mom!”, I walked in the direction of my hungry study hostel and thought:

– — What is the difference between Russians and Americans and Europeans?

– — And by the fact that they live and think logically, we are abstract. – I answered myself and walked on. I wanted to drink – scary and bite. I’m going, so I’m going through an alley into the distance of a concrete-tiled fence of some production enterprise. I see it is getting dark. I hear that on the other side of the fence someone makes a quiet, but piercing, not able to whistle. I answered the same. I see that a potato bag flies from something on the other side of the fence, stuffed with something on me as well. I bounced, and the bag touched the departure of a dog of an unknown breed, left not long before me. I went up to him, examined him curiously and, not suspecting or thinking about anything, untied him, and there …, there?! There he was packed full, even pressed with smoked sausage. Without thinking about anything, I pulled one out, grabbed the bag by the Adam’s apple and, throwing it on my shoulders, I accelerated at the speed of the Ferrari towards my hostel, devouring that unforgettable sausage stick along the way.

I immediately wanted to study and live.

What happened then?! Kuzya. Lee: he’s a whistler, he’s a potato bag thrower, he’s also a native of Syktyvkar and came to his friend and accomplice: a native of the Aldyrbaguy gorge, the farm “Give me to eat”, whose role I played in captivity and does not speak Russian.

– — Where is the bag? Kuzya asked.

– — And you threw her? – Hebrew comrade answered the question.

– — And you whistled?

– -And you..??

Then comes a mute battle. But honestly, the sausage was bitter and thin and tasty…

P.S.: We sold the floor of the bag to the family and were flooded with a sea of swill and foolishness… The session was presented with a bang…

The other day, for not surrendering the session, they took me into the ranks of the armed forces of the Soviet Union, that is, in the army. There, in a month, I forgot everything that I studied in day-care centers, a kindergarten, in high school and in two vocational schools with the number: seven hundred eight thousand nine hundred forty-three point twenty-four-hundredths, which was to the left of the avenue from the beard to the bald spot, where underground.

We stand, so we are almost on duty at the entrance to the military unit and smoke cigarettes at the entrance. Then there was a crisis in our restless country. The time was hard, cigarettes three packs a month. And our part is located next to the collective farm “Bull udder” and this is true. So we stand and smoke, and Baba Yaga peeps out from behind a tree. True, her name was Jadwiga. Well. – we think, – an old chick and, despite it, we dream about bushes with blackberries. And she screams, interrupting our thoughts. She is deaf and blind.

– — Oh, soldiers, respond, awww?!

– — B, fool, what are you yelling, old? We are eight hundred and two centimeters away from you?! Behind the fence!!

– — As?

– — Bes! – answered the duty officer again. – What do you need, say, or go carrot chop?

– — Me, says the very old granny. – you need to go for a sale, – and smiled, – a little pig, Boryusenka. I will put moonshine on the table, even give it to me.

– — What’s with you now? I asked, a man who saw pigs only at the zoo, but for some reason they are called hippos.

– — As?

– — Dras!! What brought with you?? I repeated in a voice.

– — I will give you some pork … – without hearing or not understanding my question, the old one answered.

– — She, along the way, fly agaric gluttonous.. – I suggested, in front of my comrades.

– -Where do you live? – asked a friend

– — And you come to the village and ask Yadu, our streets are dumb.

– — What? Arsenic, or what? I shouted into her ear, like into a microphone.

– — No, my dear! Hehe.. Ask Yad Vigu!!

– — And when to come? – asked the comrade.

– — And at the weekend, at noon! I won’t just feed him. – answered the grandmother and went to collect spiky green bushes.

Finishing up, I asked a colleague.

– — Comrade, did you slaughter pigs?

– -Sure. I lived in a collective farm city.

Sunday has arrived. We escaped into an AWOL through the far corner of the fence.

We reached the village without any problems and it was not difficult for us to find her hut, especially since there were only five houses in the village, and a hostel with migrant workers, sawmills. Come means to her. And she and breadcrumbs, and salt, and even the goofer found. We ate natural food and drank more.

– — Well, old woman? – comrade began. – where is the pig?

– — Yes, he is a pig, beloved in the barn. she answered and went into the room. He takes out a half-meter bundle. It unfolds and draws a sword of the fifth century BC, apparently from the age of. Rusty, rusty and handle wrapped in electrical tape.

– — Here, sons, this is my late Joseph, back in World War I Grant. When at a meat factory, he occupied and cut everyone: even cows and chicken.

I felt uneasy looking at her Stakhanovsky, transparent look. A friend took the knife from the hands of the mistress…

– — Come on, tell me. – Where did it flock, A?

She turns us into the barn.

– — There, – says, – My beloved Borusenka.

Honestly, I look at this Borusenka and my eyes are behind my ears.

His corral was shot down from boards with slits two by three. And from the crevice slots the folds and the rod hangs in elastic. Apparently this is the piglet Boryushishche half of life and does not lie.

– — Oh, my dears, I’ll go to the hut. – sobbed grandmother, covering his toothless mouth with the corners of a scarf. – And you are more careful with the boryusenka. I’m the only one from my relatives. There is no one else, I take care of him from birth. Goodbye, my yachting cattle. Yyyyyyy!! – the old woman sobbed and immediately stopped sobbing in one fell swoop, changing her voice from squeaky to bass. – And do not forget, lads, I have it for sale…

– — Everything will be screaming, granny!!! – Comrade encouraged and turned to me. – And you, my friend, help me out, open the gate.

I stealthily approached and turned the turntable, the gate growled, and the pig did not even move his ear. Kicks bastard. Well, my friend didn’t get confused right away, and with all his might, how he cuts a pig in a nickel, dagged halfway and climbed. A nickel, the size of a plate. After a few seconds, the pig opened his right eye, and then the left. Then a squeal followed, and a “mammoth” named Fighting jumped on his hooves sticking out of his stomach, his legs were not observed.

Squinting with both eyes at the dagger, then straightening the blue blond pupils in different directions, the pig turned its gaze to the comrade. After she squinted her eyes again on the handle of the dagger, moved her with a nickle: up, down; up, down, aligned sighting gaze on a comrade and jerked away, so much so that the entire corral just crumbled into a mass of chips. Fresh manure sprinkled from under his feet and covered up a couple of chicken muzzles, knocking them off a crow, which curiously stared at what was happening. The comrade was already rushing towards the garden, through the economic babkin’s yard.

The mammoth pig I am fighting, quickly caught up with the offender, dispersing all living things that had a residence permit in this yard. Grandma stuck to the window, flattening her snub nose. I huddled to the side, just petrified.

Having run out of the courtyard, a comrade, maneuvering in a zigzag, began to overcome the garden plantations, smashing greenhouses and hotbeds to pieces, and the Mammoth Pig I was fighting, he strove to bite him on the heel, only the handle of an eighteenth-century mini-sword sticking out of a nickel interfered with matchless grip. The distance was short and the comrade was already screaming for help and only sharp turns, helped him dodge and escape, which were indicated by a crowd of Asiatic-Gypsies and folk onlookers-neighbors who stared outside the fence. Tajik and gypsy mothers pulled the kids off the fence, but they did not detach, wanting to watch a live thriller called: “revenge and execution of the mammoth pig Borusi over a fighter of the Russian army.” And it would be tragic if it were not for the salvage pile of manure at the end of the garden, but in it there are salvage sticking pitchforks with which the inhabitants of Russian villages are hiding hay in stacks. They grabbed them, deftly, a fellow fighter, and in an instant everything happened differently or vice versa: the mammoth pig Fighting was running away, and a fellow fighter poked her greasy sides, according to the stalk, and so professionally quickly and tactfully, as if he was on a tactical exam, holds not forks, but a Kalashnikov assault rifle, with a bayonet-knife. And even the audience supported the fighter with applause, praising and applauding the coming victory of homo sapiens, ordinary Russian troops – over nature, reason over the mind, and as a result the pig could not stand the attack and collapsed dead, right in front of the door to the house, on the threshold of which there was a shaggy holding a scarf in one hand and throwing a second behind her lower back, the teary grandmother of Yad-Vig. The comrade made the last tyk into the corpse of a pig and pitchfork, piercing the lifeless body of the animal, swaying like a string of double bass, rattling.

– — Well, grandma, comrade Spartak began heroically. – done, pour and set the table!!!

Grandma pulled a rolling pin from behind her, which rolls dough for dumplings and pizza, and with a mat slammed him across the skull. There was a dull ringing, and the two of us barely ran away from her. She also cobblestones, ten to five kilograms, threw at us. And all the onlookers went over to her side and set out to catch up with us, but did not catch up, but the back from the stones hurt. Grandma Yad-Vig, and then wrote a complaint to the regiment commander, for which they gave me ten days, and Comrade – they slapped a disciplinary battalion for two years, where he rang from bell to bell, cleaned the shit in the local pigsty, manually…

It was like this: behind the metro station of the great commander, Saint and just Sashka, in the penny zone of harmful alimony, there was a bio toilet of three booths connected by one chain, constrained by one purpose, two of them served as a working toilet, where the residents of St. Petersburg, and the third was the office of the operator and the cashier, in one person who collected money for the service of providing a collection of shit.

People stood in line, running out in anticipation of all the starting places. And in the interval between visitors, I rubbed for money, and soldered for her money a fat aunt, who occupies the position of operator and cashier of these bio toilets, Claudia Filippovna Undershram, the hereditary Leningrad in the fifth generation. She did not immediately succumb to my grossly criminal swearing persuasion, I want to note that I did not express myself with obscenity then, and I spoke to him. But the result was on the face. The face doubled. It was, in kind, evening. And already the people decreased in quantity. I, not thinking about the stamina of my aunt’s body, decided to cast in a small way. Moreover, I had free use immunity. And as I went into a free biosort, I felt the same as Aunt. Eaten food put me on the toilet. After that, I became dizzy, then conversations with aliens followed, and further, the eruption of the remnants of the gastric tract on the walls, through my mouth and sleep, a sweet dream without dreams. At this time, Claudia Filippovna Undershram woke up from alcoholic intoxication, expressed in a dry mouth and throat sensation, that is, thirsty, sipped liquid something and, in a hurry and afraid of twilight, as a reason for being late home. She abruptly got up and closed, with padlocks, all dry closets and me sleeping inside, including running away…

Then there was a night full of grunts of grasshoppers and gentlemen of different walks of life who had not reached the subway, sleeping on benches. Observing vigilance, three law enforcement officers in uniform, on a company car, of the Zhiguli brand with blue numbers and an inscription on the sides of MILITION, the police had not yet been invented in Russia, they drove up to inspect the dark side. After making sure that everything is in accordance with the law and no one can take left money, they installed their vehicles parallel to each other, around real estate, which included biosorti… Two with machine guns, batons, gas canisters, boots and caps came out and headed towards the stalls of Asian traders of “shawarma”, under the control of citizens of the Russian Federation, with a nationality of Moroccans, who did not even understand mostly Russian, but were citizens, and it was to the kiosk with the inscription “GAY SHAURMA FOR PUTIN AND TRUMP”. Why such a name was, probably, the translators were probably with humor. The driver with a gun, stayed in the car at the helm and suddenly?!

I, a law-abiding non-citizen of the Russian Federation, am Russian by nationality. Arrived from the USSR, the Republic of Kazakhstan, where they beat me all my childhood because I was just Russian. However, when I grew up, I already beat them. But this is a different story, and now back to the plot: I, a law-abiding non-citizen of the Russian Federation, by nationality – Russian, honored convict, FSB major, pensioner, disabled person and all this in combination, especially since I knew all this in absentia, neither where he had not been, he suddenly woke up from a harrowing snoring from a neighboring booth and, to be more precise, I could feel the closed, night, square room around me, and the ceiling above. I felt everything and did not remember or did not understand where I am?! The walls crushed my mind like that. I decided to get on the “mini stage”, where I was sitting before, and my leg fell into the hole, and there everything is like in a bay. I screamed and woke up, with rhythmic snoring, dreaming of the general’s daughter, comrade sergeant, and part-time driver. He was frightened and even startled, like a gypsy, crushing his chest, but at once he appreciated the situation, but he did not believe in the ghost. I, not up to the skill, cursed for help, trying to break out at least some hole in the surrounding one of the walls, but my labors were useless, and the snoring did not stop.

At that time, on the other side of the toilet, a fellow driver of a police chariot, the sergeant had already called for reinforcements, and two, not expecting Arab food from dough and chicken, cats and dogs bought for nothing, were already running to the aid of a colleague and co-fellow.

I heard voices on the other side of the booth, but that did not help reduce the headache of a hangover.

– -Who is there? – one of them asked.

– — Here I am, and who are you? I asked.

– -I AM? now you know…

– — Break the castle!! – I asked the other one and it was not difficult to do this with the barrel of an assault rifle. Door opened. In front of me stood three astonished minors, one, by the way, cross-eyed, in a uniform similar to the cop one. Then they took me to the nearest police station, and the toilet snoring never subsided.

The guard thought for a long time how to state the reason for the detention on duty in the report. And stated as follows:

“… Detained, while trying to rob the contents of the bio toilet from the inside, hiding from justice with a padlock, from the outside.”

Everyone was having fun, especially since the previous detainee, who was forced to clean up some office, tried to escape and got stuck on top between the ceiling jamb of the window and the protruding ribs of the eighteenth-century forging lattice. Firefighters were called, more precisely, fighters with fire, and firefighters are those who set fire to it. Unfortunately, the Ministry of Emergencies was not yet invented. Those asked him:

– — What are you stuck with?

– — Pubic and eggs!! he replied with tears in his eyes. He was also saved and sent to clean the outhouse, which was without windows. On the contrary, I went into denial, saying that I would end my life if they continue to violate my constitutional rights and force me to clean their shit in the outhouse. They laughed at the Constitution and replaced my punishment by beating me in the kidneys, after which I began to piss at night, in the beginning with blood and then soda. But the toilet did not wash!! And I, in an hour, plowed the expanses of the night Nevsky Prospect, in search of life…

The fate brought me temporarily to the city a hero. St. Petersburg, in a charity hostel, simply called in the people as a homeless person. They gave me a shkonar, that is, a bed, which I beat off for half a month from local drunks-authorities, putting fifteen in the hospital before they left me. Trophies were mattresses. I have accumulated nine of them. I stacked them one on top of the other and slept almost at the ceiling. There were some inconveniences: flattery was very perpendicular, and I leaned on a wooden staircase. Life took its normal course: Morning – evening, lunch – toilet, and so on every day. They paid me and my comrade cormorant Lyokha Lysy, who had completed two higher education in the zone for fifteen years, for the calm state of our second floor. He did not differ in sight and had his eighteen in the red in his words. And since it was difficult to get glasses with such eyepieces, he folded from the available, by adding, three frames with glasses and connected them with a copper wire. So he achieved one hundred percent vision. And I began to dignify him with a joke of eight eyes. We lived with him in a family, as in the zone, in short, we had roots and shared bread by baking, however, for some reason he gave me a larger piece, either respected me or fed me for hungry siege times to extend my life by absorption my flesh. Every morning I, waking up, found on my table provisions for the whole day or more. Old people and inhabitants of other ages, all practically sitting in places not so distant and not too short: the smallest was about fifteen years old, voluntarily shared with us their rations, acquired in different ways of small thefts and handouts of richer sections of the population, the so-called home. I was always opposed and returned this back, and so they paid tribute when I was sleeping. The bald one was glad of this attention and also began to eat fat.

One frosty morning I woke up. Snow was falling outside the window. To get up as usual was laziness, and there were no plans to purchase money, especially since yesterday, and my head stopped. The bald man, as usual, read something in his mind, moving only with his lower lip. And all this would have continued, if not for the appearance of the old seventy-year-old cormorant-recidivist, a sailor, long-distance sailor, pensioner and homeless Methodius with Finnish roots. I want to note that convicts usually communicate with castes, as in this case. And he spoke more with a Caucasian than with a Finnish accent.

– — Well, parasites, we have a gasp? he began from the shoulder. I turned around, Bald let the book down. A minute passed.

– — What do you need, old? – asked Bald and buried himself in a novel.

– — Stop looking at the dossier, take the goldfinches, that is, me, and go plump. For four years I received a pension.

After his words, about two minutes passed and fresh snow was crunching under our feet. In the distance, there was a store with a slumber of some kind of Georgian. We went into it and ordered two hundred. In smeared and toast Methodius:

– — Tatars do not live without a couple! – we ordered another hundred. Next, after the old toast:

– — God love the trinity! – we drained these glasses too. Then we talked in silence, each with himself and only Methodius did not fall silent and told himself how the first term was received from the five available. We were not free listeners.

– — Our ship came with Kyuubi. I went to my brother’s village. We drank for a week. So in the morning we got together to the housekeeper, after the denatured substance and went past the house where the wedding was. I congratulated them, and they sent me three letters… I looked around and saw a pile of bricks behind me, while my brother went for moonshine and an ax, I took all the stones in the hut, there were a wound, yes, the bride was directly in the forehead. After, he began shelling the windows. The pile didn’t have time to end when I was already put in prison for three years. What else will you drink? – he finished and went to the bar counter of consumer goods.

We drank a lot and for a long time, even had a snack. In the evening, Lysy’s roof was torn down and he began to run into others. I looked at this bespontovoe lesson and led the drunk sidekick to the hut. And Methodius at that time, having received from Lysy, by chance or not, under his eye, was dozing on the table, standing on the floor.

In the morning I was awakened by a dull sound and a frenzied riot of Bald. It turned out that when he was sleeping, an enraged Methodius flew into the room with a limp and hit a sleeping Lyokha with a crutch directly on his forehead. He jumped up on the bed and fell to the floor, got up with a mat and pounced on the old one. Then I remember through a nap, there was a fight, until they were separated. It turned out that when I took Lysy away from the tavern, the drunk Methodius lost consciousness. He was thrown out culturally on the street before closing, and he crawled home, relying on his instinct.

– — You threw me, Bald!! – Barked like a gramophone and ceasing to burr and lisp, grandfather, already lying on the floor, his back down.

– -How? – asked, gripping Methodius’ throat and sitting like a pig, Bald with his bones of his hands.

At that time, the old cormorant, trying to crawl out from under the middle-aged cormorant, unscrewed his left ear and squeezed a plum out of his nose. The bald man answered without releasing his hands, blowing him head on head.

– — Good, in kind. – I tried to calm their young cormorant, I mean. – Hey, homeless people, waste them on the beds. Tell me, Methodius, what started to buzz?

– -I AM!! – not letting go of Bald, the grandfather began to justify. – I sleep, in kind, I feel someone pokes wit, I open my eyes – snow. I moved and started to get up. I turn around, and in front of me there is an aunt and a tram, ten centimeters from me. The night is cold, with a hangover, and also Lysy, the cattle, threw it, ah!! Yay!! Yay!! – three times exclaimed Methodius.

– — Yep!! Yep!! Yep!! – Three times Lysy hit him in the eye.

After half an hour, we already ordered two hundred grams and were going to justify our misunderstandings. And so a whole month, while Methodius did not become impoverished. The good thing is a bank card. Economically…

– -It was, in those without a legal times when the tundra was human. Raise armpit tundra-human, half day, lower the armpit tundra-man, half night. And lived on it cooties. And you look one hundred percent vision, it was not cooties, and mammoths, polar bears, reindeer at the end and a pig. And called the Chukchi then all the people, as they were the only species living in the tundra. Comes as a tundra-man with raised arm and scratching it, and Chukchi yarangas are going through a terrible storm. Stopped scratching tundra-the man in the armpit, and the storm subsided. And came Chukchi from their homes in the tundra and immediately thanked him for the pure white snow with his yellow pee. The tundra was similar to the lack of vitamin in the body, as body acne. And all this appeared and everyone started to dance, but quietly yellow icicles began to disappear, someone stole them and left the holes. And then, ' continued the story of the local Chukchi-homeless Seryozha, whom everyone called “yellow snow”, – tundra-a man ordered to find the thief and eat him raw. All Chukchi dug in the snow and, glancing waited and wondered. It turns out that the thief was their children, who considered these icicles for males who sell at the market. And as long as a baby is born, he said:

– -Don’t eat it, bitch, yellow snow!! – and beat him, beat in advance, especially on the head.

In General, Serge-Yellow Snow looked young, twenty seven, all the rest, like the Chukchi. He walked to the Central library, and on the way bottles were collected. Once he began to disappear for days. All was no different, but curious. When he appeared, he was questioned. He was silent. But once his drink, and Serge Yellow Snow admitted that soon married.

– -And to whom? – followed by a question.

– -Yes, one half of my heart lives in the area, though she was already sixty-one years, for and children to do, already eight there. Here they are fed and brought up how my father was raised, and his father’s father and father – his father’s mother because the fathers were. – Sergei poked his nostril, rolled the Koszul saw it and ate. – Love Lollipop, however, clever ideas gives. Here, not long ago the house or whose. Climbed up there, looked all go: to my wife and me and the kids. However, older sorry, was imprisoned for twelve years. And after all still young, dumb, only forty hit. I taught him, and he didn’t believe my experience. Well, summer is here and decided Euro renovation in the house to do the putty already bought, the color, the brush. However, some aunts came: “What are you doing?”. – I ask. “Repair”. – I say and I immediately realized that they were too late, the house has me busy. – Serge Yellow Snow pulled out from under the bed and biscuit, clicked on the cockroach, who didn’t know how to jump with rations, smeared yellow liquid and, frowning, took a bite. Cracker cracked but not broken. Chukchi slowly opened his eyes, looking at the broken Fang sticking out of the cracks of the biscuit.

– -Oooo!! – he groaned and his palm began to warm up toothache…

The summer passed. Chuckcha has arrived with black eyes, no front teeth. The head peg was a skull-cap of dried blood.

– -Serezha, house warming celebrated, it was dark, the lights went out? – make fun of the homeless.

– -No, the aunt with the owner of this house came and I repairs were finished, wanted the family to go. So they beat me with clubs. Dog. The end…

The sun was shining. The sky was clear and patriots homeless janitors sat in the janitorial rooms and knitted cardboard, put other bottles, and still others crumpled aluminum cans for cocktails and beer. And all would be fine, but at one of the janitorial dwellings, there were two UAZs with blue lighthouses and the “dads” led out of the door and “handcuffed” a woman and two guys dressed in janitorial vests, called “yolks” in common people. Local residents still did not understand the reason for the arrest, because this trio scrupulously rummaged in garbage dumps, and cleaned the yards every day. Each one had his own inventory, to which his hands were already accustomed, and these were each marked with a broom, scoop and bag. These tools appeared to them as a talisman or amulet, as a house or cottage for the home. And, God forbid, that someone will take a stranger. Everything, death. Kranty. But appeared at this trinity earlier before the incident and the fourth Madame Tumor. And away we go.

Day before. On the eve of the morning, Madame Tumor first got up and decided to show an alternative, do a useful job and clean up the area while everyone was sleeping with a storm of booze, that is, registration in the family. All members of this “gang” were not once convicted. For not having her own, she took someone else’s inventory, hoping that, they say, all her own?! It’s going, it’s sweeping, it collects cigarette butts, removes all kinds of candy wrappers and does not disdain, looks at something in the bins and collects scattered garbage around the bays and tanks along the way. He has already cleaned the floor of the territory and suddenly sees how on the other side of the road a man and a woman are firmly sorting out.

– — Scandal. – thought Madame Tumor and proceeded further to the cleaning of the territory. The quarrel was heated and voices were already heard, when suddenly the lady sobbed, so loudly that an echo thundered in the yards. Madame Tumor raised her eyes and saw that this man in a boorish way slaps a lady on the cheeks. Passers-by do not pay attention, but the burnt-in-theft thief of chicken eggs and chickens in the past, in especially large sizes, was added by the poultry farm management to the two eggs taken by her at the request of the loader-cohabitant, which was recorded by the security camera of this enterprise. I could not stand it and set off with a broom across the road. Cars in bewilderment gave way to her, as if crazy. She, not paying attention to the honking foreign cars, ran into the sidewalk and, like a kite from heaven, ran into a peasant, whipping him in the face with a shit with a broom, from which dog shit flew off to the sides. The lady bulged her eyes in disbelief and, covering her mouth with her hands, laughed furiously. Suddenly from where to take it. Suddenly, out of nowhere, three policemen appeared and immediately began to Madame Tumor to drag. That yelled:

– — This boor, beat the lady!!

– -Calm down, calm down! – politely begged the police Sergeant. No one – no one was beaten. Look, look there. – in the distance they could see a movie camera and equipped crew.

– Is a movie Comedy detective-blockbuster! – added the second COP.

– -Heh heh heh!!! – snickered the third. – And the scandal is fake! Hye Hye Hye!!! And fight!

The tumor settled down and something, muttering, looked at the artists, after glanced at the cops, took a broom and stupid went across the street Furshtatskaya.

And at this time in Candace where previously Napping, the GOP company, and now waking up with a hangover the wipers, I saw that one of the inventories of missing or disappeared, grew legs and ran away, began to prepare the plot of revealing the thief or her feet. Passing rest since last weekend the bottle, they got the cleaner called “snowflake” and, diluting it with water from the toilet, due to the lack of crane, in connection with the repair of the pipeline and slowly began sipping, eating scraps of salad, yesterday raised out of the dumpster called puhta and strongly sour.

It was almost noon. Madame Tumor whistling his katorzhanskaya girl’s song, returned to Candace, carrying in one hand the inventory, and another bag with aluminum dialled banks from-under beer and bottles. Without thinking and without knowing it, she opened the door and stepped inside Candace, to meet his destiny…

In the beginning it was greeted oblique views.

– -Well, what? – the beginning of a horror show, the black widow, which in the past killed his three men from the sat in the area for the murderers of 15 years and named Kampuchea, and nationality the Kalmyk and no front teeth.

– -What? – slightly frightened and perplexed, asked Madame Tumor and placed the inventory in place.

– -What’s that? – added more firmly, her boyfriend named – trouble-maker with an open form of tuberculosis. – In the ass fuck, is it hot??

– -I – knowing the cause of the accident, said Madame Tumor. – I cleaned the area.

– -And how? ‘said the third character in this comic drama, a simpleton named Lys.

– -All clear?! she said.

– -And we don’t give a shit!! – yelled Kampuchea. – Do not you expected, do not you will be taken you on the toilet in the area that is not learned, bitch??

And rushed: in the beginning it was terribly beaten and Espinal in Trou his feet and fist. After the entrance went items three a thermometer is broken in her mouth, two blows with an axe butt to benevolent, cruel cuts a rose from the broken bottle eyes and cheeks, seven stab wounds on the body with a knife, breaking beer, she brought bottles with a hammer, who pushed in early in the adult places sex. While managing to sing “snowflake” and to make toast. In the end, after she was strangled, lifeless body is dragged into puhtu, but met the neighbor and secretly called the police and ambulance.

These until the morning interrogated with fists the cause of the robbery in the morning and taken to jail, and Madame Tumor drained by the doctors. Walking for the metro area, Chernyshevsky, whistles, speaks with the gods and terrible drinks a lot. It was hardy’s girlfriend janitors harsh. And the other Candace all for daring rape home mothers, her sons hammers and knives punished wipers so much so that one distracts the eyes fell out, and the other feathers planted, and the rest escaped the blows of the hammer on the head. And it happened on new year’s eve, but that’s another song of Sodom and Gomorrah…

In this wretched bomberman, a home for the homeless, on Sinopskaya embankment 26, under the name RBOO “Nochlezhka”, there were not only criminals, tokens, Chukchi and three Ukrainians, that is, residents from Donetsk region. The rest of the Ukrainians are Bandera fascists, but there also lived two monks of the Orthodox Church who were already tired of believing in God, and they decided to take the summer break from their lunch of obedience and the ban of some worldly temptations, observing, of course, the main dinner of celibacy, given with tonsure. Of course, they, secretly from others at night, were picking their fingers in each other’s asshole, and, apparently, they did not need to cancel this dinner, due to the non-standing of some standing parts of the body, in the groin area. Having escaped from the monastery of the Alexander Nevsky Lavra, the city of St. Petersburg, they deliberately forgot all the statutory laws and obeyed worldly lawlessness: they smoked, thumped, swore, and, finally, after going to bed, repented to their Lord. Of course, they could be understood, because Father Seraphim had already been a monk for twenty years, from time immemorial of Soviet times and even sat in the zone, for criminals, for religious beliefs. And Fion’s father, served in the holy field for less than twelve years, but only recently received this tonsure from this extravagant monk Seraphim, from the Kiev Pechersk Lavra, from where he was planted back in the council, and he began wandering around monasteries and churches. As Seraphim has repeatedly said that his soul has long been in heaven, but the flesh still can’t calm down and die. And he waited for this hour every evening, praying before going to bed. Their God apparently also understood that they were not iron, because they worshiped the main dinner of celibacy, did not start it, and generally did not pay attention to women as to intimacy. And their money was spent without labor and disappeared just as they came.

In Nochlezhka, they immediately made many false friends, drinking companions, and the monks, through captivity, became a kind of breadwinner for some parasitic parasites who enslaved the disabled and old people of their floor, as well as helpless poor fellows being equated with them, their daily bribe. But the monks gradually overlooked this freebie on their part and decided to change the circle of contacts and the place of spending the night, resorting to contacting me and spending the night in the basement of the dormitory of the Seminary of the Alexander Nevsky Lavra, where Aleksashka Nevzorov once studied. I had not yet lost the skills and experience of street fighting and enjoyed special authority among the thieves. They called me without a tower and sometimes did not dare to argue. In short, I was not contacted, and I, after listening to Seraphim and Fiona, who knew about my authority really, and not by rumors, about communication and earnings, prudently agreed. The bottom line was that I was a kind of security wallet.

They, dressed in a cassock, went into any store and offered to pray for the health of their relatives, the day before, supposedly, leaving for some Pskov caves. One name was worth again in the amount of twenty rubles. The money was transferred to me, and the receipts taken in the Kazan Cathedral were burned under their prayer service. I, unlike them, was dressed in civilian clothes, but with a beard. This was done in case the cops grabbed at us, then I am of the left type, and they have not a penny in their presence. And everything went perfectly. On the day we “chopped”, that is, we received just like that, not one thousand rubles each and after work we wandered around the taverns, where we poured one hundred grams, getting drunk to a pig’s appearance. And they wandered to their cells, the seminary hostel, at the Alexander Nevsky Lavra, well-fed and drunk, happy and tired, from the day passed, but the road home was both dangerous and difficult. Woke up in different ways, it happened in the detoxification center. And here again we are being taken already pretty drunk to the police station. Fiona is completely numb. He was thin, very kind, well-read and naive. The expression on his face, especially the drunk, was like the face of a blunt-eyed ram with slanting eyes. The seraph, on the contrary, was slanting and fat, like a pig, greedy and cunning. He constantly had to be searched, right up to the anus, where heroin, cocaine and weed are usually hidden. True, Fiona’s father climbed into the anus, he was also the initiator of the search of everyone in turn, of course, except for me, because I had the money, and I could cut it on the slope or on the liver, for trust and faith in my words, so they always believed in my specificity. And after the discovery of banknotes, Father Seraphim repented and asked for forgiveness, kneeling on his knees, wondering wondering how they rolled in there, muttering:

– — But how did they get there?

Having taken us to the next police station, the officer on duty ordered us to close our gang in a monkey house, where two Turkmens and a lousy, smelly, homeless schmuck dressed in winter were already clowning, although the heat was overboard plus thirty, and he was also wearing a winter hat. And he says without demand that it’s cold in the morning from fishing, and he scratches either the shoulder blades, then the buttock, then the neck, then the armpit, or the sole, without taking off his shoes, then the groin and other places. And it is true.

We brought Fiona into an armpit in a cage and put him on a waiting bench. He retired to his back and snored, opening his mouth for the most I do not want, from which saliva flowed out slowly and got confused, swaddled by the hair of a beard and mustache. Crouching on the mucus, the flies were sticky, like a poisonous flypaper from mosquitoes. Seraphim was rattling while sitting. And I tried to hide the remnants of money in the sole, where I had a built-in wallet-cache. Suddenly, the grate opened and the most healthy, probably from the entire Central Internal Affairs Directorate, went into the inside, an android with a gun on his shoulder. He slowly, eating his eyes, examined the chmyr, then, as the eagle glanced at the Asian twins of different ages, they already stuck from the eyes of the guardian to the wall, opening narrow eye slits to five ruble coins, called our pupils and looked at the sleeping Fiona, which by then a swarm of flies was circling in his mouth, resembling the funnel of a tornado. Seraphim opened his left eye and said:

– — Commander, finish him off! – and those on duty at the bar, splashing not brought up saliva in a circle, laughing. The redneck in body armor calmly, creaking with the bones of the cervical vertebra, turned his head, without moving and falsetto, that is, in a voice like a little girl, he blew up:

– — You, wise guy, with things to go.. Fast!!

Seraphim slowly shook his head to catch the eyes of the guardian with his pupils, slowly got up and left the drive.

– -FULL NAME. – asked the duty officer.

– -I AM?! Father Seraphim! – the old monk answered proudly and stroked his beard.

– — I said, full name!! – the duty officer arrived. – or go to the camera for three days.

– — Cattle Sergey Baituleuovich. – insultingly called his name secular Seraphim. – I’ll curse it. he hissed.

– -What?? – Asked the cop.

– — I say that I wore this name for a long time, before tonsure and the adoption of a celibacy dinner. he declared and hissed again. – I’ll curse it.

– — Right now I’ll drive you between the legs with a club. – snarled the second, standing on the back of the saint’s father. – That’s right, it’s already night now?!

– — In the morning – Cattle, and in the evening.. – sitting next to him added. – — This is not so; I have already been faithful for twenty years. – I started to ache like a child whose candy was taken away.

– — Hey, Seraphim, he’s a Redneck..

– — He is Chikatilo. – Having interrupted, he added a healthy cop.

– — Have you seen the relics of your tesos?

– — Yes, oh, boss!

– — Oh how! – the duty officer smiled. – And stole a bone? – everyone laughed. – And he came to St. Petersburg to sell it more often?! – the scream intensified.

– — Do not blaspheme, Antichrist, Herod the king of heaven, otherwise I will damn you all!!!! – Seraphim bulged out his eyes and inadvertently pulled old-fashioned.

– — But there is no need to fart. – noticed the duty officer.

– — Yes, he curses like that. – added the cop standing in the back. Seraphim even more revealed his slanting eyes, the pupils of which were: one is dark green, and the other is light brown.

– — Do you want me to curse you right now? – asked the healthy one with a gun. – in short, you’ll get out, the canopy in our barn in our department right now to clean.

– — And I will complain to the prosecutor on behalf of the Orthodox Church. – Comrade Cattle frowned.

– — Went away, watermelon, are you from western Ukraine? Stepan, shut it back.

In the morning we were released, and we were left without Seraphim, he was forced to clean the toilet. By lunchtime, he caught up with us and we prayed and headed to the visible outlets…

8 note

I also served under the contract…

I also served under the contract, although in absentia, from the words of the inhabitants of this Nochlezhka and so as not to get confused in the stories and events, I, everything written in this cycle: (notes from the Experienced Offspring of Worldly Life (Bum)), equated to the nominative character, type of stories about Vasily Terkin, of course, if someone read about him. I only heard about his exploits, which were performed by different fighters, at different times. In general, I served … “I” is the name of the protagonist of my notes, keep in mind… In general, I also served on a contract basis. We went on patrol for two weeks and returned to base. Approaching it, we were struck, so to speak, by a demobilization chord: the Chechens provoked the shooting of two posts between themselves and we were caught in crossfire and we had to sit out in the river, neck all day, and when the commanders sorted it out, we were greeted and warmed heroes, it’s a pity that only three of our group were killed on the pass of the State Border.. The kingdom of heaven is with them, although among them there was one Muslim, then Allah Akbar.

After washing in the bathhouse and changing the stinking outfit to home, we set about living a legal two-week vacation. We walked and were bored, waiting for a new trip. Somehow we are standing at the gates of the base and we see a local resident coming and, apparently, to us.

– — What do you need? we asked him.

– — Hey, bro, give me two kirzuhs? – Approaching, he asked with an oriental funny accent, two tarpaulin boots.

– -What for?

– — Give me a brother, huh? Tomorrow, for eight months, a sheep ram walk, grazing gathered.

– — And what, in galoshes not to pass?

– -Well no! What say stupidity? – The Chechen is a little fussed. – the goat takes with him.

– -What for? I asked reluctantly.

– — What, sheep ate, goats go go graze? – with the ironic sergeant. – I don’t understand why you need boots?!

– — Wai, no, the goat hind leg boot pops, yeah? And a cabbage hovering, sacks, how to remember with a wife.

– — Hey, are you a dreamer?! And how much money will you give?

– — Wah, why the money, rat. Chacha wineskin, yeah. Shorter chacha.

– — Okay, just look, if you fool, I’ll shoot you like a jackal.

– -Why so rude? Salim is not cheating. Salim is honest.

– — Ahmed said the same thing, but he sold the chacha as weak as water. – the sergeant in the distance noticed a bald spirit who gathered wildflowers and tasted the petals.

We looked at each other and decided.

– — Hey, you.., go syud! shouted the sergeant. The spirit unquestioningly obeyed the order, took off his boots and threw them at the abrek of Caucasian nationality. He caught the shoes, kissed them, and pulled a five-liter serpentine chachi from his trouser pocket and threw it at us before taking a sip and swallowing it demonstratively, supposedly not contagious.

Morning a happy day!!!

Only the abrek escaped, grabbing a shepherd from a failure near the herding herd, apparently trying on boots for his goat girlfriends, who should pacify their mountain temper and hormone, recalling his beloved wife, as the corporal suggested:

– — And what?!

– — Yes, you can!? the sergeant answered.

– -So? – I asked the private.

– — A ride. – answered the foreman and we went over the hillock, from where all the left herd of sheep, which should soon be deployed in the mountains, was clearly visible. They took a machine with a silencer and, having taken up a fighting position, drained the wineskin. Chacha turned out to be crappy, like a compote.

– — Goat, abrek, again he was boiling, well, nothing, we will arrange cockroach races for them now. – the sergeant was indignant, took aim at the nearby big sheep, standing in close proximity to us, curly-haired. “Pooh!!” and a bullet cut off a bush growing next to a ram. Baran did not pay attention.

– — Give, cross-eyed. – grabbed the corporal. He took aim and “Pooh!”, Hit a hawk flying over the herd.

– — Club, where are you shooting?! – pulling out an automatic rifle, the foreman smiled.

– — Why, the return? – the corporal dismissed.

– — What are you driving? How is it, first recoil, and then volley? foreman and “Pooh!” took aim. A fool’s bullet, flying over a ram and rushing into the meadow, tied behind a hare. That poor fellow both right and left, will bend down and bounce, and the bullet, like a bizky bore: it will fly away, it will return; then notice, then miss. So she drove the slanting into the forest.

– — Eh!! – He uttered tensely, watching the hare, the foreman and hit the ground with an automatic machine, bowed his head. – This is chacha. In vain they called Abrek.

– — Yes, exactly, the chacha squinted. – supported corporal.

– — Do not despair gentlemen comrades fellow soldiers. – I comforted, private, I don’t remember what kind of troops of the Russian Federation, I took the machine gun, unscrewed the silencer, I noticed, how I will give a volley to the whole district, and even not rushing, and so the seed fell off the belt and at the ram standing back to us derivative organs, that is, in Russian – eggs. The ram jumped about three meters to the top, landed hard, intensively emptied like a machine gun, yelled like a battalion, my father, no, my stepfather, and, agitating any ripening herding herd, ran away to the top of the mountain. The clap from the shot was already at the top and triggered by shaking massive snow hanging, which led to the formation of avalanches, which voluntarily slipped on the other side of the cliff, hooking a third of the running herd and eight yellow villages. There were casualties not only among people, but also among local residents.

We changed the left position of the table and not giving each other go, as if nothing had happened.

Lunch a bad day!!

Sour after the meal, we continued the well-deserved rest at the local level, given to us by the stepfather with the rank of Colonel. Catching the spirit, the Sergeant ordered him to climb a high cliff with a ledge, which was visible from the old village remains isolated from the passage of the avalanche. Or rather, his teahouse, where the clock sat the local homeless. His task was to disperse visitors using the automated queue at the straw roof of a local café, adjacent to the shopping part of this such a convenient establishment.

Old Givi slowly kostylya approached the pub.

He waved at a neighbor noticed and called him hospitably at his table. Old Givi did not pay, like attention and by removing excessive nose, sat at a free table. To him bouncin flew a fat middle-aged waiter.

– -And WTE, otec, wah wah, health as?

– -That blind, STE Lee, ne see I’m alive!!

– -Come from?

– -Eat. Hey. – growled the grandfather. – Yeah?!

Fat middle-aged waiter looked at old Givi raised her eyebrows up.

– -Dai mne barbeque, yeah?! Of such healthy meat, healthy sheep which was. The clean knife cut… Healthy barbecue. – bulging left eye, and squinting the right, lifted a little finger Givi.

the waiter flew. And then began the shelling of the roof. All were visitors and kapeshnica scattered. The old Givi one persistently waiting for the order. A stray bullet hit his cap and threw it on the floor. Givi did not move under the roots Budenovsky mustache. A moment later, it, cafe Manali Russian soldiers.

We took the wine and wineskins kebabs raw and fried. The money was not needed. Typing all need edible we give away. Givi waited.

Noticing that the soldiers were gone, visitors and kapeshnica come out of their corners and began each to their duties, picking out from under the languages of bullets and spitting out fragments of teeth on the floor.

The fat waiter is already carrying the skewers to a long-awaited. Put the tray in front of the nose Givi and stood in front of a fat son of a local kingpin nicknamed -“Hey, yeah?!”. Grandfather Givi eagerly grabbed a kebab and teeth from yellow metal, clung to the Central piece of grilled meat. The waiter azhno jumped in the ass, take turns throwing knees. Givi pulled out the skewer again. The meat just stretched. Drew off, Baring his teeth two. Skewer slipped and hlestanuli old in the face, leaving fatty streaks on the cheeks and a ring of roasted tomatoes on the tip of the snub-nosed, Caucasian ethnicity, nose. Pulled the third time and the old hands began to tremble. And…

– -What is this for meat, rubber, Wai?! – exploded Givi dear Jean.

– -Hey, otec, Wi, hotel health sheep in the mountains he grass pinched! The fresh air smelled, Yeah?! and lived one hundred and twelve years.

Givi nervously threw the kebab on the table.

– -Hey, yeah, this joke I knew you when, with his father in the project were, yeah?! – stood up, forgetting a homemade cane made from driftwood with a broken knots, went away.

Night have a good day!!!

We in turn got drunk and was buhalis, and fought, and how without it, we’re airborne? And in the morning we were put to continue your holiday and wait for the next hike on the lip…

Morning bad day…

Slavery Venadevich, a former police colonel, now a crime boss stopped by a cool store and bought a cool liter bottle of vodka, cool snack, cool beer and stepped out of the store cool. Approaching his cool working jeep, he blocked it from a cool alarm and …, remembered that he had forgotten to buy cool cigarettes.

– — Well, spruce fallen. – He was indignant and, throwing everything in the ass of the car, quickly decided to drive her to the store for nicotine and did not attach importance to the alarm. – Well, what, immediately without a queue and buy?! Minute business.. – he thought, but it turned out that some client was paying for a large number of products for the corporate party and had to wait ten minutes. The cash register is busy.

When out, its cool. When he left, his cool jeep with a cool alarm, with cool vodka, cool snack, cool beer was gone.

“They hijacked, demons, khe…” Slaveri Venadevich muttered and, lighting up cool cigarettes, called the traffic police about his hijacking to his friend, Colonel.

Two hours later, a jeep was found not far in the courtyard: inside the corpse of a young guy and half a liter of vodka, an opened can of beer and an almost eaten snack. Five meters from the jeep lay the second corpse of a Khachik older.

They attributed everything to the taken products and punished the director of that store, they say his daughter, a seventeen-year-old schoolgirl, was killed. The funeral thief, out of fair conscience, was paid by Slavery Venadevich himself, whose head a week later the wipers found in the garbage dump. They called their technician to the scene and fled, seeing the police and feeling fear of lawlessness.

Former wipers in the bomber’s house settled and for the sake of everything they started knocking on everyone, including me, for which I was subsequently driven out by the administration of the “night shelter” and ended up on the street.

I wandered around the city and did not know what to do, I wanted to eat and drink, sleep and write, poop and cry, fart and grunt.

– — Well, give the hell a passport, work and housing!! – burst into my mind. And the python asked for something else. – Right now, it’s hot, meat and more…

– -Go and steal!! – the inner voice cut through like a sickle.

– — Nooo. I’m not a Russian democrat, but a Soviet man. My mind was formed in the post-Soviet space, when the majority not only did not know how to steal, but simply gave and shared the last piece of bread, like Jesus, realizing the pain of others and did not understand this. They stole, again, those who are right now an oligarch and a democrat, who can’t even get snow in winter, taking them away from ordinary people. A deputy with a criminal past is cool and even heroic, they say, the old regime pursued. But if a person is a rebel, then he is more dangerous and cruel than ordinary pickpockets once a hundred.

It was not foreigners who ruined our country, and not we – mere mortals, but these thieves in law – now deputies of the State Duma. And everything will change only when the last former Soviet official is removed and even if he is not even a communist, he is a thief of those times. And now they are just trying to live in luxury again and again, taking our lives from us. And their children, not knowing life, immediately to the deputies. Sniff shit to think better and vote for innovation. And we, commoners for them are just insects, not even cattle. Some kind of prima donna occupied the whole ether. She is praised and sung by her songs. She is the most democratic woman in our country, she married her illegitimate son and that’s all: do as she does. And those who are against its monarchy, that is, it’s better than a song and not a relative of Moses, doesn’t mean a format like Viktor Tsoi, for example, who was removed after he refused to cooperate with her. And this is in all circles of power. Our democracy is the opposite of Western democracy, and so the standard of living is different: we have shit and they have Kaif. The Americans associate a democrat with honesty, but with us Russians, this is understood as theft and banditry. And again I got., Well, nothing, not in the first. Beasts in the jungle are easier, they have no law. And here?! The main thing is to keep calm. You are boiling – it’s utopia, nerves are still needed… But is everything tired of?! Hunting is simply no problem. If the people are against the king, then this is no longer a country, but a barracks where they are forced to exist, not live. But the first hours of a conscious restructuring in life are difficult, and when you already understand what lies ahead, then life is not interesting and you live without thinking about tomorrow. Life without a goal. Therefore, today’s youth will ruin the country completely… Two weeks of lifting from scratch, and again I socially eat up. And since this time, I will not act…

Nevsky Prospect is the heart of St. Petersburg. From Alexander Nevsky Square to the Decembrists Uprising Square; from the Lighthouses to the Hermitage. How much you see: jugglers, and acrobats, and pickpockets, and beggars, and suckers and crooks. Everyone works there. And the faces are criminally well-fed. Of course, tourists are in fact a shaft. Look, McDonald’s bespectacled man with a shovel swells, that is, with a wallet. And I see how a guy comes up to him with a blatantly sarcastic look.

– — Hey brother,.. great! – he greeted the sucker.

– — Yes, healthy, thank God!

– — Well, what, is life normal? To god? God don’t give a shit about you. In short, – came up in a tight guy to a sucker, drive a shovel, otherwise I will kill him like a dog. Get the bills, close the shovel and put it in your pocket… And now, go. Don’t skid; your God has commanded to share.

– — How will you report to God?

– — And I confess before death and I’ll still scam you in paradise. Hahaha

And then I come up and without warning poke the guy in the bogey. He gasps for breath and, trying to resist, clings instinctively for me with one hand, and grabs the liver with the other. Drinks, that’s a weak liver.

– — Take your money, comrade. – I say sucker and beat the knife away from the guy.

– -Thank!!! – he thanks me, and the guy in mortal convulsions loses consciousness and dies. And he could work somewhere and benefit the state and people, but the democratic chaos in the country turned him into sleep … – Here, take a reward. – pokes me a sucker bill and quickly runs away, jumping into his Lexus and breaking off. A cup of tea and two sausages in the dough, thanks for saving tens of thousands and thieves’s blindfold. But pennies need to be saved. Yes, there are many people here and everyone is walking. And the price is furious and still growing. The poorer the people in the country, the more expensive the price.

What is it here?! I stand and watch another guy pester passers-by. I see people sticking out and not boiling, beer sucks, and a homeless person to it. He asks for something, and hovering to him right away.

– -Respected!!! Help for bread, give a trifle of money?! – says a mysterious beggar.

– — Get out, comrade Huy!! – the guy interposed in conversation. – Go steal, stinker!! – he broke off the bum. – Are you tired of homeless people?! – the guy smiled. Loch drew attention to him, examined him and took his starting position, taking the guy for his level of citizen. He continued. – Only bought a beer and you won’t really drink.

– — Yeah. he drawled. – I just bought beer, one comes up: “Give me two rubles?”, took a sip, the other: “Help me leave by metro, they just let me go from the cops.” Is our valiant police taking away personal money? Some kind of absurdity, on TV they say the opposite.

– — Hmm yes! – supported soaring sucker. And he continued:

– — He took another sip: “Help out the brother, the convict stroller …", you are already taking the seventh sip.. – he emphasized.

– -Twelfth. – I won over the guy using Neuro-linguistic programming techniques and Carnegie’s advice.

– -What? – Do not understand Loch.

– — And you are the twelfth…

– -Why?

– — And because we ourselves are tired of this life, winter, confusion in the country. Already aches on the soul. So they decided to organize an Independent Public Organization for the Homeless, in short: NOBL! We already rent an office and helped a lot with housing, work, a trip home, because for us documents are not important. This is the work of passport desks and the FMS. Honesty is in the heart, not on paper. What measure you take, God will repay you…

And the goof opened the shovel, and behind his back the cops already burned the guy and are waiting for the Magarychs. Usually it is beer and shawarma. But I don’t stew, I don’t want to frighten off the bag, I don’t often come across this, but a small press of cell bills poured out and wished prosperity, and the guy thanked him and quickly disappeared…

Fuuu, he left the police, but not his own. When you meet, that is your own, and so you go and spend. So I turned out to be mine and went to a couple.

– With a fat, perhaps, Zyoma-friend, handsome, you saw him like Laz… But I took the cops upon myself, saw them, they lured me?

– -Who are you? – frightened asked the guy.

– — I’m the same as you, pinch… well, share or skim?

– — We’ll give a damn about the bazaar, who’s who, who … – he supported the guy and offered to go to the Bistro. We went in and sat for half a day. They drove to the Nudist beach in Sestroretsk. The sun, buzz, dope and took nudists to the lakes to fuck, because on the beach are forbidden? But this is a special story.

In the morning, money is needed again, and I go, peering into the architecture. I drink beer, poke my teeth, spit out husks and take a long puff of a cigarette, for forty-three rubles, two times more expensive than a bottle of vodka. The condensed smoke rises and swells with a gust of wind…

10 note

And the homeless are at a party

And I went with a girlfriend, an active fashion designer without a certain place of residence according to my passport, which is the whole Western world, to the taiga village in Buturlinovka… In!.. The sleeping kingdom, where everyone does not see money and is half asleep dreaming of a past life.

In the morning I got up, crawled out into the yard and miss you. The mistress treated the mash on the eve. Baska hurts and poured berries into the yard. One single chicken ate them and fell lifelessly. The hostess, a fool, took and began to pluck feathers on a pillow from a hangover, thought that it was too late to cut, she herself died and without chopping off her head, the meat was stiff.

Meanwhile, the chicken woke up and fluttered, fanning feathers wherever, wherever, the bird said from a hangover and ran bald one side away.

– — Let’s go for a walk around the village. – suggested, in a hoarse past, mezzo-soprano, a friend who crawled out after me.

– — Or maybe we’ll crawl? – rising crawling from the next step of the porch, I answered with a sushkim. My heels were stale beyond the threshold inside the hut and blood flowed to the head, which intensified the pain. A friend stood up, leaning on my nape and shoved my nose, expensive shoes, went on to the exit from the yard. I crawled down the steps to my feet and popped after her playing buttocks to the store for vodka.

– — And nitrous? I asked, taking a sip from a purchased bottle of alcohol.

– — And he has a grandmother Nyurka, his mother pickles and salt so much that it’s enough to have a bite on the company.

Having finished, we headed to the local authority, a relative who was recently released from places of deprivation of food freedom and movement. His hut was, like many, rickety. Having bent over in the lower back, we went into the veranda and, without unbending, entered the hut. At the table sat waist-length, stripped, all in tattoos, a skinny man nicknamed Kharya. Of the muscles on his body, only bones were visible.

– — Great Kharya. – greeted my master without unbending. The ceiling was apparently built for hobbits and dwarfs.

– — Great, if you’re not joking. – the former convict answered nasally with a toothless timbre. I was not unbending just like my friend, stood at the door and waited for an invitation. – Sit down, just come.

– — Will you be a Vodyaru? – asked my.

– — And what is there? asked Kharya.

– — Of course, what a market, here. – Mine answered joyfully and put on the table a liter bottle of vodka.

– — Well, let’s pour it. – the prisoner took a bubble and printed it and poured it into a mug. – come in, sit down, dear guests, make yourself at home. – He suggested and tinned from the throat, and then washed down from the mug. – Haaa!!! he breathed out and widened his eyes. – Only I, as a mother, were buried from an appetizer, with a rolling ball, not a damn thing. Only black caviar. She’s already in my throat sticking out. You want, climb into the cellar.

– — Diathesis, you say? I explained.

– -What?? asked Kharya. – who is it?

– — This is my fraer, correct and not convicted. – explained mine.

– — And what kind of miracle are you? – I also boldly asked the prisoner.

– — Quietly, quietly guys do not trump. – reassured my and introduced the owner to me a coat. “This is my own uncle with a twenty-year sentence.”

– — Twenty-five year old … – corrected Kharya. – Well, climb the young cellar?! After all, you will not send your woman?

– — And what? I can slay. – suggested mine.

– -Your business. said Kharya and poured himself another vodka. – Mugs are gone. – and pushed her towards me.

– — Sit, honey, I’m licking, and you’ll work at night.

– — Frets. – answered my.

I climbed in under the floor, lit a match and was stunned; on the shelves were pieces of thirty-three liter cans of canned black caviar. I took out two cans.

As soon as we took half a liter from one mug, in turn, as if a chifir, as two police officers entered the house.

– — Well, Harya? – they drove. – didn’t have time to lean back and already the boar from the Tradeswoman stole? Come, pack up, come with us.

– -What for? – asked my.

– — Give a confession. Do you want with him, Vasilisa? – suggested a bold and shallow cop.

– — In principle, you can work out instead. – Added a skinny and long cop.

– — But dick you guessed it!! – the drunk Kharya snickered, took a hammer and two nails for one hundred and fifty millimeters from the windowsill, and one by one he nailed their feet to the wooden floor, without taking off their slippers, not wrinkling and, apparently, not feeling pain. Blood slowly soaked slippers. “Now take me, but don’t touch my niece, otherwise you’ll go to the bucket yourself… Well.., Weak?. I didn’t steal a boar; I will not see a century of will.

– — Well, you’re a fool, Harya. – Drawn bold.

– — Exactly, it collapsed from oak, why is it so cruel? – added skinny.

– — Why so cruel? Come, Palych, to the cyclops, his tension. – suggested bold. – This one doesn’t walk, it doesn’t walk.

– — In, you fool, Harya!! Now, Vaska, – he turned to mine. – Put the sink, otherwise it’s the floor is pissed. – turned around and left.

Kharya took pliers from the window sill and pulled the nails back without any tension, without ever twisting his face. We opened our mouths in surprise.

– — Yes, do not scrutinize you guys. he reassured us. -pour.., my legs were still frostbitten in the mines. But this gray scum falls off immediately. Hahaha!!! – and he laid bare his filthy mouth, from which one could see the blackened bits of former teeth.

– — Honey, my yachting! – my friend addressed me. – rushed upon him, he has all the boys. He’s a woman for his whole life, but his mother did not see him on dates. She even gave birth to him in the zone when she was serving her term with my grandmother for a bag of grain that they stole together, two twin sisters. Yes uncle?

– — Yes, this is garbage, listen, what a joke from the zone I will tell you … – And Kharya, without paying attention to flies, continued the recollections of funny stories that took place in prison.

– — And the whole area had to stand for two hours at fifty-five degrees of frost.

– -And what happened? the niece asked uncle.

– -… So it was like this: at an evening check, since there was no contractor.

– -And who is it? I asked, having passed the zone in absentia.

– — This is a prisoner who gives work to other prisoners, thumps with the owner of the zone. – explained mine. Kharya lit a cigarette and blew smoke rings.

– -… The whole area was turned upside down. – continued Kharya. – There is no goat of this and all, and frost – minus forty-five. Northern lights and rushing from the sky. It was then that I blundered with my feet, then went rotten suit, tormented by my feet.

– — And what, did you find this? – I wondered.

– — Ahhh… Yes, they found.., heh.., in the shower, in kind, I’ll fucking. This schmuck, naked in front of a mirror-dressing table on his ass shank jerked off.

– — Hahahaha!!! – Yelled. – What, in kind?

– -What? – Asked mine.

– -What?! Pinned on his beep (ass). There the whole zone is still popping … – Harya still tinned the mug and Ostap suffered. – And there was still a joke. To tell?

– — Come on, come on, cool! – supported mine.

– — Miracle one in the toilet of shit blinded. From all the aftershocks, he collected an unshaved shit and fashioned a thick sausage that looked one-on-one like horseradish for men, half a meter high. And everyone walked, looked and didn’t understand who had such an extensive anal passage that he couldn’t forget, and he monumentalized it in a statue. For a long time she stood there and amused all the visitors. In short, there’s one madhouse and there’s nothing to do there. Tell me better, how are you, in St. Petersburg or in Moscow?!

We looked at each other and hacked, smiling.

– — What does it say!? – My said, body dimensions: one hundred twenty – fifty – one hundred and twenty. – Like everywhere: today is pan, and tomorrow is gone.

– — Yes there are jokes there too. – I vibrated her machine-vibrator, that is, I, pouring another mug. – Anecdote better listen. It means that the beaver and the log are pushing against the current, and the raven smokes nonsense at the bitch of a tree and looks at the beaver’s difficult torment. He swam, swam, sees, the crow sits and chews. “Give, – thinks, – I will rest” and asks her: – — What, they say, are you doing a feathered? and she: – — Me? – the crow grinned. – I smoke bamboo,.. Uuuuiii!!! … Huuuuu.

Beaver: – — So what? Khe, hr.. – the beaver broke away from the smoke coming in his direction.

Crow: – — rushing.., for fun everything.., and I want to live… Ahhahaha!!!

Beaver: – — And how to smoke something?

Crow: – — Yes, pull and hold, hold until you fly away.. Want to try?

Beaver: – — And what, come on?!

And the crow blew a beaver a column of smoke, like from a steam train. Beaver swallowed it and held it in the depths of his lungs. The inflated rodent’s body slowly sank to its back, and he began to sink to the bottom, letting go of the log and spreading his legs. A beaver was filled with a sense of curiosity when fish swam past him and algae waved at him along the path where his current carried. And how he had not noticed such a vision and beauty before. For the first time in his life, he submitted to the river and nature.

At the same time, around the bend, Behemoth sits on the banks of this river and erases his underpants. He sees a beaver pops up and exhales smoke.

Hippopotamus: – — Are you a beaver? – the hippo was surprised. – the log was there, but now, like a washcloth, you pop up?

Beaver: – — There! There!!! Around the bend of a crow, bamboo smokes!!!!!!

Hippopotamus: – — Where??

Beaver: – — There!!!!! – Carried by the current, the beaver said.

The hippo was intrigued and, abandoning his venture, dived into the water.

A crow sits, smokes bamboo and flutters while sitting. Suddenly a hippo pops up in front of her beak. And the crow on treason, right there, fluttered its wings, opened its eyes, like a frog and screams in all its raven throats..

Crow: – — Beaver, exhale!!! In nature, burst?!!!

I gave birth to a Negro Ivanov. Lying, it means she is stoned and plaintively examines the doctor who gave birth from foot to chest. And he knows the matter, scurries around her and drives the surrounding staff. It makes it better to rub the body of the newborn with powder with chlorine. And he does not turn white.

– — Mdaaaa!! – scratching the Adam’s apple, the elderly doctor stomped out. – You, little mother, boy. And with a defect in skin color.

Waving his head, from shoulder to shoulder, right, left:

– — Oh, oh, ah, ah!! – Madame Madame Ivanova snapped, stoned by medical morphine. – Doctor, oh dear doctor! – I pray in Christ, come up with something? Ouch… Ouch! Do not tell your husband?! He’s a cool bandit. What, and I went to Papua New Guinea alone.., Oaya, to write a thesis, Wow., About the local groups there., Yes!! Oh, bucks, bucks crying!! A piece of mowers ($ 1000), otherwise he is vulnerable, a killer of the sixth and highest level, he can kill my cornflower and you, maybe me.

– — And I have to do with it? – surprised the doctor.

– — Fuck him, soak, how to give a drink!!

– — Madam, shut up, you need to save you, you have gusts below the navel and above the knees… Mdaaa.. Something we will consider scientific. Lena! Helen! – He called a young trainee, a local medical school., with the name Dandelion.

Dandelion Lena, tightening her ass and coquettishly chatting with her around, leaned against the doctor.

– — Yes, Putin Donald Trump. I’m ready…

– — And why do you have the name Dandelion?

– — And that, hehehe. – covered with a palm her long nose a red mop, which only paid off on the set-offs, but it looked like a virgin. – by type I was found in cabbage and I’m glad.

The doctor looked around at her, not yet wrinkled, slim figure, and, expanding his eyes, took a deep breath of perfume, rattling his eyelashes.

– — Wow, stealing, you will go to the emergency room, ask Mr. Ivanov. You will tell him when he responds that the birth took place in normal normal mode, but due to a mutation, the genes did not converge, and a black child was born. Do you get it?

– — Yes, Mr. Comrade Putin Donald Trump. – and the nurse proudly disappeared into the doorway. It turns out in the emergency room and says:

– — Hello, and who is Mr. Vasil Ivanov?

He gets up and answers loudly:

– -I AM!!!!

She surveyed him from head to toe, with his neck to the limit, his massive muscles, especially in the area of shoulders and neck and frightened opened his eyes, mouth and nostrils from fear. After I staggered back and back flushed to the doctor.

– -I, sir-comrade Putin, Donald trump, I’m afraid. It’s so big, strong and stupid. – And wept bitter tears. The doctor took the hem of his robe and wiped her eyes, smearing thick Lily-livered tears on her face, like a cleaner wipes the window with year-old dust. Confirmation of this he still breathe her in the brush, drove the flies, and tried to continue the grater, but Helen otfinowski ran into procedural and closed from the inside, fell asleep on the couch. If the corridor was not heard her pig snores, the local comrades, the sick would break the door lock, they wanted to wash.

Body Ivanova stood out among expected, especially given the fact that he was the only one there, not counting the old rat under a nearby chair, gnawing the corner of the linoleum, modest munching. The doctor, horrified at the amounts expected, flustered. Thought inadvertently still fall under the hot hand and kicking a rat in the face, ran out from the emergency room.

– -What to do, what to do? – He muttered under his breath and headed to his office. – In!!! – it dawned on him, and he lifted a telephone tube from his pocket, dialed the number, saving the phone. – OLE, OLE… Merkel?.. It’s me, Putin, Donald trump. Hey colleague, do you have any patient on now?

Merkel, Theresa may, was his classmate and worked at a local medical detox.

– -Is.., why? ‘said Teresa Merkel may,

– -It came to me to declare the birth relative. Then pay off.

I slept on hard beds and were preparing to exit. Frankly to say I vaguely remembered how I was taken to a detox, but already made plans for a hangover. Twenty minutes later I was transported under police escort to the hospital, unwittingly. I myself looked skinny since birth, in combination – a BUM (Seasoned Offspring of Worldly Life). My eyes were bulging like a frog. On the left chin and nose grew two gray warts. Of teeth I had only two rotten stump and four roots. The neck was profusely bulging Adam’s Apple, the rest seemed simple: set my bones covered with leather pouch and uncut dice complement the sights of my body.

Placing your tip on the chair I tried to retire a forked silhouette of the doctor, who was in front of me.

– -Hello, Vasya. – he greeted me.

– -Yeah. “I said.

– -Here, two hundred grams of pure alcohol! – he pushed a glass towards me. – But it should work. In General, come to the emergency room. Ask Mr. Ivanov. He will answer: “Me!”. Say, “had a normal delivery, but due to a mutation, the genes did not agree, and the baby was born black. Got it?”.

I reached for the glass. The doctor is holding it up.

– -Understand?

– -Yes! – nervously rising from my soul, and I drained the glass. I put a white gown and cap and was kicked out of office. Good thing I had the Cup to drain. And putting the door admissions, old yeast let know.

I came out and said, hiccuping.

– -Who Is Ivanov? IR.

– -I!!! – rattled in my ears.

– -Hey, bro, had a normal delivery. – looking at him as the water tower, I went on, but the head is tired and I have a stiff neck and I lowered my gaze to his navel, aligning the head. – OK, IK there were IK, birth. Yeah! But you, your my Fucking water, right? And then the dirty child was born, IR, Gena called! My name is Bob. Understand?

I hasten, I mean in the market, and I think that Apology is a hypocrisy to God and encouragement of Evil, because if you apologize once, it may like how to steal, kill and similar actions. We need to repent only to God and rely on His mercy, for only He has the right to forgive, and people pray for forgiveness in prayers, that is: Forgive us our debts, just as we forgive our debtors and do not lead us into temptation, but deliver us from the Evil one. Therefore, it is easier not to commit evil intentions so as not to pray God for forgiveness. And the Apology to the offended is a passive drug addiction, which is still requested by the Soul consciousness to apologize, and therefore the reason for that. – I thought and began to remember what I was looking for and what I needed. He stopped, looked around – the collective farm market is already closing. Many collect slowly their various goods. Wheel loaders take away full carts on containers, and I stand and remember the reason for my presence here. A lot of thoughts come to my mind, and just when there is no pen at hand. And this time, my thoughts are how horses will accelerate into being, and who knows if I will remember them again, somewhere in my office, to fix them for eternity, and now I remember something else… I remembered and began to search at the pace that you need, because the market is closing, and before I can’t visit it because of the work to which I am anxious and conscientious. I look, the first Georgian is standing behind the counter, in front of him is a barrel and the inscription on it: “live fish!” I go up to him and ask. Our town is small and in connection with professional activities, I know almost every resident by name and surname. In short, I am addressing him by name.

– — Hello, Genatsvale! I greeted him.

– — Cabaret Jeba, brother! he replied joyfully.

– — What, are you selling live fish?

– — Yeah. – reluctantly he answered. Why reluctantly? And because he is my rival, he constantly pesters my wife. I looked into the barrel and asked.

– — And what does she swim with your belly to the top?

– — Hush, painstakingly. he warned. – You do not see, she is sleeping. Time later, for a day, it raced like a saiga in the mountains, in water in a barrel. Yeah?!

– — Yeah?! – I looked closer into the barrel and sharply recoiled my head on the backside. – Fuuu!! Why does she stink at you like that??

– — Are you stupid?? When do you sleep, what do you control yourself?? Go, do not bother to work. The whole client was scared, his stupid question, and also an intellectual?! Wah wah, come from here … – Givi, who was in a hurry to the retreating retreating to me, continued in pursuit.

I go further: the second Georgian stands, sells the apricot. No one else, everyone has already curled up.

– — How much apricot? I ask.

– — Fif ten rubles, a kilogram! he answered.

– — Listen, are you new? I have not seen you before. I asked.

– — I’m Givi brother, moved yesterday.

– — And I’m a doctor, see, you see the hospital? I work there. Near the market.

– — I see.

– — Listen, I only have twenty rubles. Weigh twenty, please.

– — Hey, you shit, you don’t see, one kilogram is left. Take it all.

– — Yes, I’m in a hurry to work with my cohabitant in a hurry from work, if I run home, I’ll be late for the visit. Sell at twenty?! You are welcome. Help me out, and I will somehow help you out later.

– — Nat!! – cut off the second Georgian. – What do I weigh twenty tebe, and where the rest where? A kilogram is taken, and half a kilogram is net. A bunch of… what, will I eat myself? What am I, donkey? Go brain do not fuck. Go, do not bother… Uryuk, Uryuk! Fresh fat apricot!!! – Not noticing the doctor, he started yelling Georgians at an empty market. The doctor stood and said before leaving.

– -Okay. You will come to my hospital. “And I, the sad doctor, walked away, remembering everything.” – Seize yourself, stingy…

And for sure. The next day, this second Georgian, not having sold the last kilogram of apricots, ate him unwashed and was poisoned. He came to me – a doctor with no fixed abode, renting a room in this town, and I acquired a doctor’s diploma in the Moscow passage under the name “Okhotny Ryad”. But the fact that we are homeless doctors is true. Where there is an epidemic, we live there, where war is also even where I want to work there, because I am a seasoned offspring of worldly life! So I got here in the province for a meager salary. And certification was not checked. Who will come here, and knowledge on the Internet of rowing, just do not be lazy, especially the principle of consultation helps. Everywhere there is a subordinate who ate this dog and prepares for retirement. They then decide the main thing… In general, this second Georgian pinned me and woke me with a knock on the door, after a stormy homeless weekend.

– — Come in, sit down!! – without raising my eyes, I suggested. – What are you complaining about?

– — er, Doctor, the stomach is swollen, it hurts. Yeah?!

– — Strip to the waist. – I understood and found out who came to me, but did not give a view. He approached him as a stranger and listened to his hairy belly.

Something gurgled and hummed inside the highlander.

– — Mdaaaa … – I pulled, thought, writhing face and said. – Hey, honey, what did you eat?

– — Uryuk. Probably forgot to wash. – the Georgians cried out in pain.

– — You know, apricot is basically nothing to do with. You have diathesis.

– -What?

– — In general, you are pregnant.

– — YOU what?? he exploded. – What is so pregnant???? Hey, ty doctor aunt, yesterday, I know you!! You are taking revenge!!!

– — No, what are you. All symptoms converge to a single diagnosis, to pregnancy.

– — What is another symptom, pregnancy?! Hey wah wah, you go. I’ll go another doctor. You are taking revenge on me for apricot. – and, jumping up proudly, walked away. I giggled, and giggled maliciously at myself and picked up the phone, dialed the number of the second clinic.

– — Alle, Seryoga. Yellow Snow? – he is also a Bum, but he studied at the St. Petersburg Public Library and knew more than I did, the more he, unlike me, lived in the operating room, in addition to the “night shelter” and cellars, where he liked to ask stupid questions. Chukchi, after all, in Africa, Chukchi. And therefore, he occupies the post of head of the therapeutic department and, like me, a therapist. – Hey, Seryoga, Gomiashvili will come to you now, with intestinal poisoning. Tell him that he is pregnant.

– -Are you sure?

– — What difference does it make to you, say that!

– -Okay.

– — Help out, otherwise these apricots got caught in our Russia, we are not considered doctors at all for people…

– — Hey, I’ll do it, bro. – And did.

There is a second Georgian in the market sad-sad and crying. A third Georgian comes up to him, small and shuffles a deck of cards stumbling his nose.

– — Hey Givi, what is so sad?? Let’s go to the point (ass) with play?!

– — Hey wah wah, leave me alone, yeah!! See stomach? Enough already played out. Father you will be soon.

– — Eeeeeee?! – the third Georgian stumbled and, stopping, looked at his uncle…

13 Note

Sorry, please file on b-b-bread…

And it was that frosty winter, before the anniversary of St. Petersburg, on the eve of the feast of St. Nicholas the Wonderworker, the keeper of all the tramps and the homeless, and it was so that all the Orthodox were preparing for the church, and what thoughts they carried with them was their own business. I couldn’t wean myself from the goddess of Lenin, whom the ruling party had been struggling with all my childhood and youth, and then I finished school, so perestroika, and what kind, And the gods were rebuilt from Lenin to Jesus, you want Jehovah, and you want Allah, Krsna, I will, I won’t… To choose which one you like or like?! And even the Communists, who have the truth that there is no God, began to believe each in their own. Fashionable, and voters like. Ends of the world parallel to the world, aliens, in short, powder and powder the brain of the people, so as not to rage and not ask for food. Changeling everything. And Faith is doubt and knowledge, and fanaticism is a pont before each other. As one Orthodox said: the Orthodox are not Christians, but the Alahakbar need to kill everyone. In short, God’s work, this is a personal matter. We sat in the Lavra Forest, in the winter I was scared and tried to melt a bonfire from frozen logs stocked by monks for critical days, and they have urban heating. And why drown? And then, to taste the hot. In a homeless life, a hot meal is sorely lacking, especially in winter. Sausages, convenience foods and other fast foods have long become boring. But the main thing was ahead. Later Lech came up, nicknamed the Humanoid. The district police officer allowed him to smoke when he was twelve years old, as his mother had gone mad from binges.

– — Growth did not come out, so smoke. he said to the Humanoid, who was proud of it as a communist order in Soviet times. He was kicked out of a boarding school for morons because he raped a teacher, and she quit. Just said:

– — I will kill if you do not give!! – he gave in fear for her life. Although she was two more tall, her teeth were three smaller than his horse tusks.

– — Well, did you get alcohol? I asked.

– — Yeah. he answered and sat down at the fire, which was barely burning, but. Tarzan once again proved his nickname. Still, I kindled these frozen logs. He’s an experienced prisoner, nineteen years of imprisonment behind him, left in Sovdep, and went into democracy, they wrote him out of the hut and helped his mother clean up, as soon as they sold the apartment where he grew up and lived all his life to the zone. He was cool, became thieves, and freed up as a beggar, but by sight he didn’t say so. He dressed as a professor-businessman, even put on suitable glasses, and hid the tattoos on his hands with leather gloves and didn’t buy anything, God got everything. He lived on the street and put all the money received by deceiving extortion on a hostel. So he was a sensual guy and preferred business negotiations instead of fights.

Vika, the only female bum among us, is young and already a little swollen from drinking daily meth. She used to live in Estonia, in a noble rich family. After she successfully married and moved to her uncle with her husband in Pskov, where her husband killed his uncle, and they sold his hut, but she received no money and went on the run to St. Petersburg. I arrived in the summer and went on to understand, but national discrimination survived her from the panel, and she joined us through Tarzan. She drank and lost her presentation. True, she was still given for the service, but very drunk clients, and then only a half dollar and no more.

Dima, the next element of our group wore, drove – Churka. He looked like smoked bacon, earned money strictly in churches. I went with a backpack and said that he wanted to go home to Kazakhstan. And this has been happening for twelve years. He spent half of his money on himself, and half on a hostel.

And more about Lyokha. Lyokha was a moron for honey. He was wearing a dumb card and a card: a black ivy coat in the elbow region torn at the seams and a light gray layer was visible, which humiliated his appearance to the state of a charomyga. His plush light hat looked like a guerrilla. All that was missing was a red ribbon on the visor like the guerrillas, but it was replaced by spots of blue paint. She was also visible on the fingers of his hands and cheeks, which he scratched when the paint had apparently not yet dried. And he got dirty on the eve of the morning, when we met him at the subway. He explained this by the fact that the guards with the metro asked him to paint a plywood border near a street tree, set on New Year’s Eve for fifty rubles. But he agreed to this enterprise, but no brushes were found and Lech used a shoe Brush, and scratched his cheeks because they scratched, and his hat was clutched with painted hands because lice clogged a head that is no more than a cat’s head in diameter and this is not funny. In the evening, a snowstorm blew off the tree. But Lyokha was a difficult moron, and bio-terrorist inclinations, more precisely, when he asked for money for bread, no, not so. When he screamed for bread all over the street, many simply shied away from him, and then, plucking a handful of lice under his arm or from his head and other places, he threw them up, quietly running over the collar of the victim, who turned out to be greedy wives new Russians and different nationalities. And he secretly laughed, cursing them for four generations. That was Lech. Then he suggested that we go in the evening to Nikolaev Church, located near Sennaya Square and shear money.

Of course, Churka and Vika departed from the proposed, they say, an empty idea. Dima went to Kukuyevo to his fellow countryman, and Vika arranged a bottle of wine with the deaf Kostya, who was really without an ear, they cut him off in Chechnya and didn’t kill him, but that’s another story.

Having eaten in the cold hot food cooked in the fresh air and in the center of the metropolis and drinking it with alcohol, we went about our business like bees.

There was money on the subway and we had to jump over the barriers. Lyokha, not rich in growth, calmly walked under the turnstile, bending slightly. Tarzan crawled under a portable fence, and I, with my one hundred and thirteen kilograms, went through the turnstile, clinging in a dense groin to a walking slender thin student, or rather to her elastic buttocks, thereby falling into the space of moving steps and horizontal bars. The girl gasped tenderly when I pushed her harder with my “screwdriver” apologized and ran, lost in the crowd. Down in the lobby of the subway we met. After waiting for the train, we pressed into a carriage full of crampons and…

Tarzan yelled at the whole car from the other end:

– — Wake up when we arrive!!! – climbed to the seats and insolently threw out the seated clerks and managers. Obmateril them and went to bed. People silently and patiently resented. True, two young people wanted to cure the melon, but one of them closed his eyes in an instant and hung pressed by the crowd. It’s just that Tarzan had been family for several years in the zone with a former Tibetan monk, a martial arts expert.

Upon reaching Sennaya Square, we rushed to the escalator. Someone ran up behind, kicked Tarzan at the coccyx and ran away, proving that the St. Petersburgers, who were not convicted, were not fagots at all, there were still heroes of the Neva and just didn’t give up. Tarzan, though local, silently watched him.

Rising on the escalator, with nothing to do, Tarzan proceeded to scuff the Humanoid like a puppy. He snapped, bit, and, resisting, was angry.

– — Stop it, Tarzan! – correcting his hat, growled Lech. – Finish!!

Tarzan temporarily stopped, and the Humanoid, seizing the moment, twisted his hat on himself and took it off, began to publicly crush the lice. Tarzan did not like this, as well as pedestrians standing and rolling on the escalator.

– — What are you, cattle, disgrace us?? he yelled at the entire subway and continued to shake the Humanoid. Lyokha could not stand it and pushed the “monkey rabbit”, he stumbled and fell on his back, squeezing the innocent standing passengers. From the side of the falling crowd indignation followed. Because of Tarzan, everyone standing on the right, and then on the left, began to fall. And only a stop by the escalator manager saved from injuries, but increased the force of the fall. A heap of small was already visible below.

From the subway we got ridiculed, and Tarzan with a fingal.

– — Well, where’s your kushu-wushu? asked the Humanoid. – what, schmuck, got it?

– — Shut up, bastard. – Snarled Tarzan, applying snow to his eye. – Better go get a port.

– — Lovers, is the church far? I asked.

– — Out. Blue glows, see the dome? – showed Lyokha.

– — Well, to hell with yourself, how much more to cut it?! – I was surprised to see the distance from us to her, as to Beijing.

– — Nothing, you need to take the sled from the child, and the freak will take you. – pinned Tarzan.

– — You’re a freak yourself!! – Lech snapped and thereby caused a riot of Tarzan.

– -Are you still here? Did you buy wine?

– -And for what?! the Humanoid asked, bulging his little rat eyes.

– — On your ass! Went away, stinking dog!! – ordered Tarzan.

– — What are you yelling, that?! – offended Lyokha.

Honestly, if I had money, I would give it to him, but such was only observed in the Humanoid. He always had money. Only he thought that we do not know, and we thought that we know, since we always stood behind him.

After drinking a bottle of port, Lech froze and trudged after us. Going out onto the straight sidewalk, we were no longer worried.

– -Shameless!! – we heard a loud, old voice. Turned around and saw Lech standing, who was simply writing in the middle of the sidewalk, not paying attention to passers-by. And only the old gypsy grandmother made a remark to him. He reacted differently. He pulled out the Soviet opener on duty and without hiding shame, and without even stopping to empty it, grabbed it by the collar and waved the opener.

– — Right now, old one, I’ll gouge my eye out.

– — Lyoha, brakes. Are you a fool? – we stopped him.

– — And you with him?! You have to shoot!! – escaping from the shaggy paws of the Humanoid, the old woman screamed, running away.

– — It is necessary to shoot you. – and we grabbed Lyokha by the armpit and carried about five meters, threw him into a snowdrift to cool off. After smoking, we continued on.

Having dispersed the gypsy beggars and old women at the church, we put Leha with his hat off at the entrance to the porch, and we went, as he was told, to the temple to pray to God, so that they would throw more. He believed, and we sinned. We went inside and sat on the benches asleep. It acted warmly.

I do not know how much we overslept, but Lech woke us carefully.

– — Stasyan, Tarzana!

– — Get away from me, Satan!!

– -Well? Will this yard go?

– — Damn, there is a pool.

– — Well.., and cars around.

– — You, Dan bazaar, that there is a place?

– — Muuu. – said Denis. – wait, huh?! There!.. Basement!!. I lived in it for six months!!!

We turned towards him.

Having descended through the cardboard down the steps of the basement porch, from the left we saw a jamb and a third of the door hanging on it, apparently, the entrance to the basement.

– — Take it off!! I shouted to a gypsy. He famously yanked her away, the door fell off with a roar. The gypsy stepped inside the doorway.

– — Oh-boy, but shit floats here?! – the gypsies were frightened and, splashing on the water, came back to us.

– — What is it, soaring? – asked Dan.

– — Come on and here on the island we have a drink. Light falls from the opening and there is no one. (That is, cops). – I decided and took a bottle of port. Opening it in a circle with my teeth, I handed it to a friend. I want to note that only communists, cops, military and homeless people have the right to truly call each other “comrade!” And what: things are free; food in garbage cans or feeding, also free; housing in basements and attics, again free. What is not communism?! In short, my friend accepted the offer from me with pleasure. I opened another bottle of port and offered it to Dan and the third, opening, I handed the gypsy. They fell into confusion, and I took out a disposable glass and introduced it into the center of the crowd.

– — Che, hatched? Pour?! – I smiled. The three of them poured me at a time and again fell into confusion, staring at me intently.

– — What are you staring at? Have a drink! I suggested and drank a glass. The silence was broken by the incomprehensible comrade.

– — And this is not even an island, but this wh-how-it?

– — Ass. – Gypsies affirmed.

– — Yeah… no, well-well-well-noon-well-noon,..

– — Well, well?

– — P-peninsula, moron. – corrected with a mockery of Dan.

– — Yeah. Gypsy gypsy, what are you doing? – Comrade averted his attention.

– — Kuz Jabere, Vishma.

– -And in Russian? I asked.

– — In Russian do not translate.

– — Look, dispelled the minute silence and extended the finger of one hand, Comrade, and the other held, clenching a fist with clothes, the gypsy at that time raked up a wave to himself, causing everything floating to move. Circles appeared on the water from the column on the ledge of the basement room, illuminated in complete twilight, then a shabby bald head and a swollen muzzle of some woman. And all this is not so hasty.

– — Oh well, to hell?! – Surprised without stuttering Comrade.

– — Get out of here!! – stood up Dan with a bubble of wine.

– — Oh-bye, a corpse!! – The gypsy jumped out and dropped his bottle, the one for the Ulka, spilling out. – Oh-fight, mumbler!! – he was even more frightened and raised a bubble.

– — Yes, a corpse. – I calmly supported.

We continued the booze in another place.

Week later. On a nickle near the Alexander Nevsky Lavra metro station, the Cop bubo drove in, stopped far from us and two guardians came out of it and moved towards us, well, very slow. We drank at the column of the Moscow Hotel. We had a choice: either to drink alcohol diluted with holy water from the Lavra, but to fall into the hands of justice; or break in different directions, but do not plump and do not bring their condition to normal. I and a couple of comrades moved a little further on opposite sides, dispersing and scattering the view of the crowd.

They took Big Seryoga with a black eye, whose lower eyelids looked like a labia. And his drinking companions. The reason was, as it later turned out: the removal of the corpse from the basement, where we had previously tried to plump. The corpse, it turns out after our departure, in turn, having made a weekly semicircle, stuck to the work of the heating main with a diameter of two hundred millimeters each, a rigid pair of bundles and wrapped in burlap, and fiberglass…

A young non-local student, kicked out on the eve of a booze from a student dormitory, climbed into the depths of the basement on a blackboard thrown by someone and wet his feet and jumped on a pipe, and the wave became agitated. The guy, not accustomed to the floor with gloomy light, he drunk fell sideways on the heating plant and snored. Nearby a floating corpse, rushed and swam into the dense. Touching the kid’s tailbone, nose. The corpse froze. In the morning, a thick ray of light did not even prevent the guy from resting. He was catching up with lost days of insomnia.