Читать книгу In a Bind - Stephanie Bond - Страница 11

ZOE STARED AT THE ENVELOPE holding the letter she’d written to herself ten years ago and scoffed at her fears. What was she afraid of? The purple envelope wasn’t exactly Pandora’s box—it wasn’t likely to unleash some sort of unforeseeable chain of events. Instead, she’d probably get a good laugh over her schoolgirl musings.

She glanced at the passengers sitting on either side of her—the woman to her left was awake, but reading a book. The woman to her right was juggling a sleeping toddler. With her privacy assured, Zoe slipped her finger under the flap of the envelope and pulled out two folded sheets of stationery. The handwriting was hers, neat and slanted. Pulled along by nostalgia, Zoe read the letter she’d written for her eyes only.

Dear Zoe,

It’s me—your twenty-two-year-old self writing to say that when you get this letter, I hope you have everything in our life figured out. I hope you’re married to a great guy and contemplating a family. I say this because I hope between now and then, you will have explored the world and yourself, and will be satisfied that your choices are good ones.

Dr. Alexander asked us to write down our sexual fantasies because she says that unless we know what turns us on physically, we can’t ask for it or expect it from our partners. And that we’ll never be truly fulfilled in a long-term relationship unless our partner knows and understands our innermost fantasies, no matter how outrageous they might be. She says that the strongest emotional connection comes from an intense physical connection, and a strong physical connection is the foundation for intimacy and fidelity. If someone is getting everything they need from one person, Dr. Alexander says, they’ll have no need to stray.

I like the sound of that because fidelity is very important to me. On the other hand, I wouldn’t want someone to be with me and not be completely happy…like my parents. Arguing is their only form of communication. I want to ask them sometimes why they stay together because they obviously don’t like each other. I hope they’re not together for my sake because they’re miserable, and I’m miserable when they fight.

Anyway, I haven’t had that much experience with sex. I’m not a virgin, but so far, to be honest, sex has been disappointing. Every time I’ve gone all the way with a guy, I hoped it was going to be the way I imagined sex would be—mind-blowing. Like a drug, something you can’t live without. But it never is.

Maybe it’s my fault. Because I’m outgoing and I speak my mind, I think guys assume that I want to take control. I’ve never told anyone that what I really want is to give up control. What I really want in my secret of secret places is to be tied to a bed…to be handcuffed…to be strapped down. And to be made love to six different ways.

Zoe looked up from the letter, her face heated. The words made her squirm in her seat—it must have taken a great effort for her to write them ten years ago. And if she remembered correctly, a great relief. With no small amount of trepidation, she continued reading.

It sounds dirty, which is why I’ve kept this to myself. I’m not looking for someone to mistreat me—I don’t want that kind of man in my life. But someday I hope I’ll meet the right guy to share my fantasy, someone I trust not to hurt me, someone who won’t judge me, who won’t think any less of me for wanting to explore the darker side of sex, the pleasure and the pain. Someone who knows when to stop, and when to push beyond. Someone who is also looking for that deep emotional and physical bond that Dr. Alexander described to us.

So, Zoe, wherever you are, I hope you found that guy. For both our sakes.

Zoe glanced up from the letter, her heart thudding. Her mind sifted through the internal revelations unveiled in what was supposed to be an innocent letter written by a naive college student. Instead it planted seeds of troubling thoughts. What if the naive letter writer had had more insight and wisdom than her grown-up self? She put her hand over her mouth, shaken by the prophetic words she’d written as a young woman.

“Are you okay?” the woman next to her asked kindly.

Zoe turned her head and registered that the woman was beautiful—short, spiky black hair with a pink streak and oddly colored eyes. Maybe violet? It was hard to tell in the low lighting. “I’m fine, thank you.”

“I hope that isn’t bad news,” the woman said, nodding to the letter.

Zoe hastily refolded the letter and tucked it back into the envelope. “No. Just a note from an old friend, that’s all.”

“Oh, that’s nice. Is it someone you miss?”

Zoe considered the question and her mind went back to the person she’d been in college…full of optimism and adventure, determined to meet the world and people in it on her own terms, determined not to settle for less than supreme happiness and a one-of-a-kind love.

“Yes, I do miss her,” she said wistfully.

“Then maybe you should plan a little reunion.” The woman winked and turned back to her book.

It was an interesting suggestion, Zoe conceded—getting in touch with the woman she’d been ten years ago. Curious, carefree and thrill-seeking. Traveling all over the world, fearlessly sampling different cultures. Then one day she’d looked around and all of her girlfriends had paired off with men they planned to marry. Zoe’s mother began to pressure her to settle down. Someone introduced her to Kevin, and they’d hit it off.

And somewhere along the way, she’d become a paler version of herself, like a favorite shirt that had been laundered too many times, but was still serviceable enough to wear to the grocery store.

Yet before she gave in to the panic tickling her stomach, Zoe stopped. Did she still feel the same way about sex and love? Did she still entertain the same fantasies?

Yes, she realized with a sinking heart. When Kevin made love to her, she closed her eyes and imagined all the things he wasn’t doing to her.

So had she made a good choice? Had she found the right man to marry?

She visualized telling Kevin that she wanted him to tie her to the bed or to lash her down with his leather belt. He would laugh at her. Kevin was a congenial fellow whose mind didn’t go to dark places, especially where sex was concerned. He’d been scandalized when she’d once suggested they rent an X-rated movie on pay-per-view. He was a meat-and-potatoes missionary man. And since all of his intimate parts had fit hers generally well, she’d decided that bondage fantasies were for women who wanted to remain single. Forgoing her darkest desires seemed a small price to pay for dependability and friendship.

Her hand tightened around the letter. Dependability? Friendship? It sounded as if she was talking about a dog, not the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with. Kevin would be her last bed partner. Was theirs a one-of-a-kind love, or were they simply good together? Were both of them simply relieved that they didn’t argue like both sets of their parents? What they had was fine…

But was it enough to bind herself to him for the rest of her life?

And why was her mind suddenly filled with the image of a pair of hooded green eyes?

COLIN REACHED THE LAST PAGE of the annual report, then realized he couldn’t remember a word of what he’d just read. He pulled a hand down his face and reread two paragraphs before giving up and closing the report.

That woman—Zoe. Did she realize that she’d hit him like a ton of bricks?

Colin laughed to himself. His mother’s Americanisms had rubbed off on him. Virginia Cannon teased him no end when one of her phrases slipped out of his mouth. And she would be intrigued to know that an American woman had captured his attention—a Southern American woman, no less. Like his mother.

Maybe it was Zoe’s rich Southern accent that captivated him, because it reminded him of his mother’s lilting, loving voice. But he’d met countless southern women on his many trips to Atlanta and none of them had affected him this way. He prided himself on being in control of his body and his mind. So when a woman hijacked his focus with a prim uniform and a handful of conversation, it was unsettling. Especially since she, too, seemed to be resisting the unexpected attraction between them.

Colin turned in his seat, but the first-class cabin was still dark and he couldn’t see past the curtain leading to coach. She was back there somewhere, wedged into a small seat among grumpy salespeople and crying babies. Had she felt the electricity between them? Was she thinking about him, too? Wondering what might’ve happened if they’d met under different circumstances…what could still happen?

He’d never joined the mile-high club; in fact, he’d never even considered it. And he was pretty damned sure that a flight attendant could get fired for doing something as illicit as having sex in the loo. But he knew he couldn’t go another minute without finding out if she was as curious about this thing between them as he was.

Colin pushed to his feet, then turned and strode down the aisle, headed for the coach cabin. He could live with rejection—but not regret.

He wasn’t sure he’d be able to find her in the semidark cabin and he had no idea what he was going to say. How did one proposition someone on an airplane? Blood rushed through his ears as he scanned the rows of passengers. His pulse jumped higher when he saw her, chewing on her thumbnail, seemingly lost in thought. He stopped, noting with frustration that she was sitting in the center of several packed rows. It would be hard to get her attention without disturbing others, without making a fool out of himself.

He stopped and reconsidered. This was madness, after all, feeling so physically drawn to this woman that he was pursuing her at ten thousand meters in the air.

But then Zoe looked up and saw him, sending lust ripping through his body like an arrow. Her expression went from surprised to questioning.

He straightened and jammed his hands on his hips. At a loss, he tried to communicate to her what he was thinking by holding her gaze. Her mouth parted, her eyes softened. When after almost a minute she didn’t look away, he took a deep breath, then nodded as imperceptibly as possible toward the bay of loos in the center of the plane. She understood because she pressed her lips together.

Colin turned and made his way to one of the cubicles, acknowledging wryly that his cock was as stiff as a lad’s. He sincerely hoped that the lovely Zoe decided to join him. One way or another he would have to find release, and he’d much prefer to do it with her than without her.

ZOE SAT STOCK-STILL, afraid to move. In the midst of her musings, Colin Cannon had appeared like a mirage and made it clear that he’d come looking for her. And now he was waiting for her to join him in the lavatory. Had she been sending him vibes? How else could he have known that she was sitting in the back thinking about him?

Because he’d been sitting in the front thinking about her.

On some level she wasn’t entirely surprised. From the moment he’d boarded the plane, something unexplainable had sprung up between them. Their mouths said polite things to each other, but their bodies had been having an entirely different conversation.

And now the moment of truth. Did she dare go to him? She twisted the engagement ring on her hand, trying to plant the image of Kevin in her mind. Fidelity was still very important to her.

On the other hand, they weren’t married yet…. She hadn’t taken any vows. Kevin never had to know. She could sample this bizarre, compulsive lust that she felt for the Aussie, and it would all be over by the time they landed.

Zoe glanced around to see if anyone else had noticed him singling her out. The black-haired woman next to her was absorbed in her book. Erica sat in the row behind her, fast asleep. The cabin was still dark, but everyone would be rousing soon as they flew into daylight. It was now or never.

As if she were watching someone else, Zoe picked up her flight bag that contained a change of clothes and headed toward the row of lavatories. Her limbs were almost weak with apprehension—or was it anticipation? She might regret this terribly.

Yet somehow, she didn’t think so.