Читать книгу Going Nuclear - Stephen Hart - Страница 3

While the cab weaved through heavy traffic, Arthur Weiss rode quietly in the back, watching out the window as “Blowin’ in the Wind” played on the radio in front. He had always liked the song: the moving melody, the questions it raised concerning social injustice, the implication that a better world was possible, if not imminent. It’s up to us, the young people, Bob Dylan’s nasal-toned anthem seemed to proclaim. But now, its message rang hollow for Arthur. When had the song been written, he wondered, four years ago? Yet the war in Vietnam was raging. The only thing blowing in the wind over there was the likelihood of survival.

Suddenly, the driver jammed his brakes. They squealed, and a nearby horn honked. He then jerked the steering wheel to the right, accelerated, and turned his head to sneer at the driver next to him. Arthur simply settled back in his seat and closed his eyes. Half an hour later, the driver pulled up to the curb. Arthur gave him a twenty and told him to keep the change. He felt a little uneasy about the tip but had too much on his mind to consider it further. Hoisting his young, but stiff, six-foot-three frame from the worn backseat of the cab, Arthur closed the door behind him, a little harder than intended, then made his way up the lush purple-carpeted steps, the steps that led to the massive front doors of the funeral home.

Another breezy day in D.C., he thought, as wisps of cool air blew against his face and trailed through his collar-length blond hair. Pausing on the landing, Arthur took in the spring colors that effloresced around him: the well-manicured lawn, the pristine flowers, the flowering shrubs and stately trees. The whole scene seemed almost too perfect. A Norman Rockwell painting showing the beginning of yet another life cycle. Still, a funeral didn’t seem all that incongruous. Even in the warm sunlight and invigorating air, a morbid pall hung heavily, blurring the fragile distinction between life and death. Nobody stays around long, he thought. Just a stupid game. You play, it’s over. But with each step he took, Arthur realized that his immediate concern was seeing his parents. He dreaded seeing them far more than viewing the body of his older brother, his only brother, the brother who had just been shipped back from Vietnam in a body bag. His mother would probably be incapacitated by grief. Arthur didn’t want to even think about that. And his father would be insufferably strong, a royal pain in the ass.

At the entrance to the room where his brother lay in state, Arthur observed his father, a square-built man of five-ten, standing erect next to the visitors’ log: greeting callers efficiently, competently, all business. Arthur took in his father’s dress uniform, the glowing eagles on his shoulders, the crispness of his coat and tie, the perfectly spit-shined shoes. To Arthur, this suggested too much time spent preparing for military etiquette and not enough time contemplating the passing of a slain son, a favorite son. But then, almost immediately, his reaction softened. Probably just his way of coping, Arthur concluded. I suppose the old man’s entitled to that much.

“I want to talk with you,” his father snapped as Arthur approached. Arthur took in a deep breath and let it out slowly, trying not to reveal the exasperation he felt with the all-too-familiar tone, a tone that he had managed to avoid for almost four years, having been away at college. His father glanced disapprovingly at Arthur’s jeans and hair, then added, “Let’s go out to the car.” Arthur followed his father silently through the funeral home, back into the fresh air outside, down the steps, around the corner, to the parking lot, to a black Lincoln Continental that shone almost as brightly as his father’s shoes. Once seated behind the wheel, his father turned and cleared his throat. “First, I’d like to say I’m glad you came. Your mother will be glad to see you. She’s not here right now. She’s back at the hotel trying to pull herself together. But your being here will be a big help to her.”

“Of course I came,” Arthur replied, thinking to himself, What’s he doing? Giving me permission to attend my own brother’s funeral?

“Yes, well, I know things have been a little strained between us lately, but I hope we can put that aside for the time being, for your mother’s sake, if nothing else.”

“Of course.”

“This whole thing seems so odd,” His father sighed. “Only a year ago, your brother was graduating with his ROTC commission, in the prime of life. And now, just like that, he’s gone.” He looked down at the steering wheel and stared at it blankly.

“It really is hard to believe,” Arthur agreed, watching his father closely. “Things always seemed to go his way.” Or to put it more honestly, he thought, things always seemed to go your way, the Army way.

“Yes, they did,” his father said, nodding, looking up and staring straight ahead. “He must have had some terrible luck over there, just terrible. The whole thing just doesn’t seem right.”

“How did it happen?”

“His platoon walked into an ambush. Charlie was hiding in front of them and on both sides, like a horseshoe. Once they got to the center, Charlie opened up on them, caught them in a crossfire. It didn’t last long. The platoon suffered heavy casualties, and then Charlie was gone. Your brother should have had more jungle training; ROTC wasn’t enough.”

“It didn’t seem like enough to me. It seemed too much like a game. A lot of hoops to go through, but no substance. Maybe that’s why I didn’t stay in.”

“ROTC was your brother’s thing, never yours. Of course, you’ll be going on to grad school.”

Arthur felt another surge of resentment. His father made going to grad school sound like accepting an offer to join the New York City Ballet or some equally androgynous pursuit. Looking out the window, he nodded and took a deep breath. “Yes, grad school,” he said.

“That’s probably good. I suppose you’ll be exempt from the draft, considering what’s happened.”

“I suppose.”

Suddenly, his father grabbed the steering wheel firmly with both hands and turned to look directly into Arthur’s face. “I may be crazy,” he said, “but I can’t believe this is the way things are supposed to end.”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean, your brother made the ultimate sacrifice. He died fighting for what he believed in. And there wasn’t a better kid on the face of this planet, none. But the job isn’t finished, and it won’t be finished until North Vietnam is crushed and that goddamned Ho Chi Minh is hung upside down the way Mussolini was after World War II.”

“World War II was a long time ago.”

“Like hell it was. It was yesterday. The difference is, people had the courage of their convictions back then, that’s all. Half of the kids today don’t have convictions; don’t even know what convictions are.” An uncomfortable pause followed. Arthur chose not to respond. “I’m only going to say this once,” his father said firmly, breaking the silence, “and I know you don’t want to hear it, but I’m going to say it anyway. Nothing can bring your brother back; I’m fully aware of that. But if you took his place, took up where he left off and saw this thing through to victory, I’d feel a lot better about everything—one hell of a lot better than I do now.”

“And what if I came back the same way he did?” Arthur asked, his voice raised somewhat. “What then? What will that have proved?”

“Well, for one thing, you probably wouldn’t even see combat duty, seeing as how your brother just got killed over there. But even if you did, and the unthinkable did happen, there is no greater honor than laying down your life for your country. None. And I don’t want to hear anything to the contrary either, not today, not with your brother’s body lying less than a hundred yards away.”

Arthur gave his father an incredulous look. “What are you talking about? Do you think dying for a cause means anything? Ever? It never settles anything. Can’t you see that? There’s always another cause, always another battle, always another reason to die.”

“I guess I should have expected a reaction like this from you,” Arthur’s father replied. He tightened his lips and shook his head. “Of course I should have. It takes a degree of maturity to get outside of yourself, to think of the greater good, the big picture.”

“Maybe you just don’t want to face the reality of the situation,” Arthur argued. ”Maybe you and your friends at the Pentagon can’t admit that the war is a terrible mistake and that Tom and all the others like him are dying for nothing.” Arthur was immediately sorry that he had responded so strongly. He sat back quietly as his father stared through the windshield.

“You know,” his father replied softly, after a long silence, “I could sit here and talk to you about honor and duty until the cows come home. But if you don’t get it, you just don’t get it. You’re supposed to be so damned bright. Maybe you’ll figure it out for yourself someday. In the meantime, I don’t want to see any sign of disrespect for your brother today, not from you or anyone else. You’ve never seen me when I’ve really lost it, I mean really lost it, but I’m telling you right now, man to man, you could.”

“Right,” Arthur said, nodding his head slightly.

Arthur’s father opened his door, slid out, and slammed it without looking back. Arthur let him go. After a few minutes, Arthur climbed out of the car himself and walked slowly to a park-like area behind the funeral home. Sitting down under a budding tulip tree, he leaned back against the knotted trunk, pulled a joint from his jeans, and lit it, the last of five he had recently purchased. He took a deep drag, a needed drag, a drag that temporarily purged all unpleasantness from his mind.

So why not join up and volunteer for Vietnam? he mused. Take his brother’s place, serve his country, make his father proud. His grandfathers had both served in World War I, his father in World War II and Korea, his brother in Vietnam. Wasn’t it his turn now? Nobody in his family had actually wanted to go to war, not even his father. But when their time came, they went. So what was so special about his case? Arthur took another drag. The war was considered stupid by most of his friends, the guys he knew in college, but what did that really mean? Are they just cowards? he thought. Am I a coward? The idea of going into combat clearly gave him pause, no question about that. So, was calling the war stupid just a rationalization to justify avoiding it? Who was he to question government policy? Did he know more about the intricacies of world events than the State Department, CIA, and military establishment combined? Probably, he concluded. Most of those bastards were as full of shit as his father.

He took another hit and remembered that he still had to pay his respects to Tom. He released a gust of rich smoke, took another drag, and held it, recalling the days when he and Tom had been kids together. Although Tom had been only a year older than Arthur, he had been obsessed throughout childhood with maintaining his position over Arthur in the family pecking order. It was always Tom who led the way, who told Arthur what was cool and what wasn’t—at home, at school, around the neighborhood. And it was always Tom who stepped in when other kids wanted to start something, always Tom who backed his younger brother up. Arthur recalled the one all-out fight that he had gotten into with Tom, when he was thirteen and Tom was fourteen. It had taken place at a park in front of a growing crowd, over some girl they both had wanted to impress. An adult eventually stepped in and stopped it, but to Arthur’s surprise, there had been no clear winner. Each boy had managed to inflict several cuts or marks on the other. And following the fight, there had been a period of mutual respect, a period that brought them closer together and made their father’s value system, based on physical confrontation, seem like a work of pure logic. Arthur smiled as he let his mind drift back through various childhood conflicts with his brother. But he was always drawn back to the same stark fact: Tom was gone. Any unresolved issues between them would remain unresolved forever.

Back in the funeral parlor, in a room laced with sickeningly sweet floral aromas, Arthur walked up to the casket. He looked down at his brother’s face and took in the tranquil expression but didn’t feel particularly moved by it. The whole experience seemed too bizarre to support any emotional response. He simply observed that, despite any efforts made by the mortician, his brother did not appear to be sleeping peacefully; he looked dead. Humans are such weird-looking animals, he thought. As he turned to leave, Arthur saw his mother approaching, a woman with blonde hair, nearly as tall as his father. His eyes met hers, and Arthur could see that she had been crying. But as she drew nearer, he was relieved to see that she did not appear to be as on edge as he had expected. In fact, her expression seemed almost placid. Arthur waited for her by the casket. Once there, she asked him how he was doing, as if, it seemed to Arthur, it were just another day.

“Fine. How are you doing?”

“Better.”

“I can’t believe something like this happened.”

“Yes, I know.” She looked down at the floor.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yes. Your father keeps asking me that. I don’t know what he expects me to say.”

“Well, the whole thing is such a shock.”

“It was a shock. I had a lot of trouble dealing with it at first.”

“You’re doing better now?” Arthur studied her demeanor as she answered.

“Sort of.” Their eyes met again.

“Something happened last night that helped.”

“What?”

His mother glanced up at the ceiling before answering. “Well, I was looking at your brother here, having trouble believing this is really him, when I reached down to touch his hand. And when I did, I was really surprised at, I don’t know, at how inanimate he felt. He didn’t feel like a person at all. He felt like a chair or something. It was kind of strange.” She glanced at Tom’s body and then looked back at Arthur. “And then, all of a sudden, it hit me. If he isn’t here anymore, I mean in his body, and he certainly is not, then he must be someplace else, someplace better. And then my faith came back to me full force, and I felt like a weight had been taken off my back. I still feel that way now.”

“You think he’s in heaven?”

“Yes. Don’t you?”

“I don’t know. I just know I want to live.”

“What does that mean?” his mother asked softly.

“I don’t want to go to Vietnam.”

“I don’t think you have to worry about that. I really don’t.”

Two days later, at the airport waiting for the plane back to school, Arthur sat reading, for the third or fourth time, the popular novel The Catcher in the Rye. After about half an hour, he sat the book face down on his lap and wondered why he found the main character, Holden Caulfield, so easy to identify with. After all, Holden had flunked out of two prep schools, whereas he was graduating from college with honors. And Holden dreamed of running away to a cabin near the woods, whereas he would soon be working on a Ph.D. in physical chemistry. Maybe it had something to do with Holden’s candid insights into school life, or his willingness to resist parental authority, or maybe it was his awkwardness with girls. A guilty pleasure at best, Arthur noted with a faint smile.

As he picked up the book to continue reading, a cute, thin girl with long black hair, a prominent nose, and rimless glasses sat down next to him. She appeared to be about his age and wore a short plaid skirt with black boots. Once she had carefully arranged her carry-on bag and purse to her satisfaction in front of her, she turned to Arthur, glanced at his book, and said, “The Catcher in the Rye. I read that earlier this year. Is that for class?” She smiled as she asked the question, disconcerting Arthur somewhat.

“No, I’m just killing time. I’m on my way back to school.”

“Where do you go?”

“Northwestern. How about you?”

“University of Michigan. I’m a psych major. I’m Mandy, by the way. I had to come back for my sister’s wedding. She couldn’t wait six weeks for the semester to be over, of course. That would have been asking too much, way too much. So now, I’m going to have to play catch-up when I get back.” She rolled her eyes. “I already have a late paper. I hope my professor understands. How about you? Were you visiting someone?”

“I came back for my brother’s funeral. My name’s Arthur.”

“God, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I wasn’t trying to be too personal or anything.”

“That’s okay. It doesn’t bother me to talk about it. These things happen.”

“How did he die?”

“He was killed in Vietnam.”

“God, you hear about that happening more and more these days, but it still must have been a shock for you.”

“More for my family than me, especially my mother.”

“I can’t even imagine.”

“She seemed to find a lot of strength in her religious beliefs. I think she’ll get through it okay, eventually.”

“I guess religion can be helpful at times.” Mandy shrugged her shoulders.

“You don’t seem all that convinced.” Arthur replied, tilting his head. She crossed her legs, and he found himself glancing at her exposed knee.

“Well, it may be more helpful for some people than for me. I don’t know.”

“So, you don’t believe?”

“Not especially.” Mandy frowned slightly as she shook her head.

“Is your family religious?” Arthur asked.

“Oh God, yes! They’re devout Catholics, especially my father. He thinks young people today don’t take religion as seriously as they used to. He thinks that’s why things are so out of control these days.”

“I think the war has more to do with things being out of control than anything else. But it sounds like your father’s views didn’t really take with you.” Arthur found talking with this girl easier than he would have imagined. He liked the soft resonance in her voice and the way her face lit up when she spoke. You never know, he thought. You never know.

“Well, I just can’t take religion as seriously as my father does,” Mandy replied. “I guess to me the whole thing seems to be more about ritual and ceremony than anything else. I mean, there just doesn’t seem to be any actual communication with a Supreme Being. I think a lot of the things they teach are good, and I think that following the basic values they try to instill is a good way to live your life. But have you ever tried to pray? For me, it just doesn’t work. It seems more like making a wish on your birthday before you blow out the candles.”

“I guess I tried to pray when I was younger, mostly in church when I was a kid. Not so much recently.”

“What church?”

“Southern Baptist.”

“Did it work?” Mandy raised her eyebrows.

“What do you mean?”

“Did you feel like you were getting through to some higher power, or did you feel like you were just more or less talking to yourself?”

“I don’t know. I couldn’t really tell.” Arthur found the directness of her questions interesting.

“But you can tell you’re talking to me now, can’t you?” she asked, smiling.

“Yes, yes, I can. But I can see you, I can hear you.” To put it mildly, he thought, looking at her hair and then into her eyes.

“So, close your eyes. I mean, if you did, you would know I’m still here. You would know you’re not talking to the air.”

“Unless you sneaked away while my eyes were closed,” Arthur deadpanned.

“Well, that’s always a possibility,” Mandy replied, laughing. “But the whole prayer thing just doesn’t seem real to me. And if it’s not, if it’s not real, then the religion itself becomes a house of cards.”

“Maybe God gets tired of hearing the same thing over and over again and puts us on hold. Maybe that’s why you couldn’t get through.”

“I knew it. A blasphemer,” she laughed, pointing her finger at him. “The fires of hell are waiting for you.”

“No, no, no, you misunderstand. I was just trying to explain why prayer doesn’t seem to work for you. I was actually trying to help you renew your faith.”

“And now you’re lying, on top of everything else. I’m going to end up being a saint compared to you.”

“That wouldn’t take much,” he conceded with a smile and shrug.

Her eyes widened. “So, is your family religious?”

“Oh, I don’t know. We don’t talk about it much. My mother’s faith seems real enough, but my dad seems to like the idea of religion more than the actual religion itself, if that makes any sense. He seems to like the idea of people conforming to an accepted set of beliefs that makes them part of the same team. I think his world is divided into good guys and bad guys, and belonging to the right religion is one of the things that makes the good guys good.”

“And easier to control.”

“Probably. He definitely likes to be in charge.”

“That’s what I see as one of the main driving forces behind religion—people wanting to control other people based on authority pulled out of the air.”

“Could be. All organizations seem to have control freaks. I should know about that. My dad’s a colonel in the Army.”

“So, does your dad control you?”

“He tried to when I was growing up. But since I’ve been away at college, it hasn’t been so easy for him.”

“I know what you mean. I’ve done all kinds of things since I went away to school that I couldn’t do at home.”

“Like what?”

“Like boys, for instance. Without my dad around, I can do a lot more.”

“A lot more?”

“I’m still a virgin, technically, but I’ve learned a lot.”

“Okay…”

“And I’ve done grass a few times. How about you? Have you done grass?”

“Yeah, more than a few times.”

“And I have miniskirts my dad hasn’t seen and a bikini he’s never going to see.”

“So, you’ve become a wild child.”

“Not really. I’m not doing anything the other girls aren’t doing. Some of them do a lot more.”

“But you’re not worried about eternal damnation.”

“I got over that a long time ago.”

“How did you do that?”

“Well, when I was about ten— ”

“Ten?” Arthur interrupted, almost involuntarily.

“I told you it was a long time ago. Anyway, when I was about ten, I was in a religion class. And this one day in the spring, nobody felt like paying attention. We were just kids. We wanted the class to end so we could go outside and play. But the nun could tell that nobody was really interested in what she was teaching, so she got angry with us. She told us to bow our heads and close our eyes. Then she asked if any of us would rather be outside playing than in the house of the Lord. She asked if any of the boys would rather be outside playing baseball than studying God’s word. She told us to raise our hands if we would rather be outside, as a way of admitting our guilt and asking for forgiveness.” Mandy paused for a moment. “I guess nobody raised their hand, because she got angrier and angrier. She told us to keep our eyes closed and asked if any of us had ever burned our finger on a match or stove or anything. She told us to think about how much that hurt. Then she told us to think about what it would be like if our whole body was burning that way and what it would be like if there was no way to ever stop the burning, throughout eternity. She told us that is exactly what hell is like, and that is what would happen to us if we didn’t put God first in our lives.”

“That sounds kind of hard-core. What did you think?”

“Even though I was a kid,” Mandy answered deliberately, “I thought it was too much. That night in bed, I wondered if she or anyone else really knew what hell is like. I mean, for one thing, death is supposed to be a transition away from the physical world to a spiritual existence. But her description of hell seemed very physical, more like something she would do to us if she were God than anything else. The more I thought about it, the more I became convinced that she was simply trying to scare us, to control us through fear. She didn’t know what hell was like; how could she? And then as I grew up in the Church, I saw what seemed to me to be more and more examples of the same thing, control through fear.”

“So do you believe in God at all? Is God dead?”

“Oh, like the cover of Time magazine? No; I mean, I don’t know. But I do think the reality of God and the validity of religion are two different things. To me, there must be something out there, but I don’t know what. Just look at how complex and sophisticated biochemical processes are, how we could never design or fabricate something as complicated as a living organism. And if evolution is a part of it all, we still don’t know why or how any of it got started.”

“So, you don’t see life as basically a series of chemical reactions that just happen on their own?”

“For me, that view is a stretch. It just doesn’t feel right. I look at how vast and strange the universe is: how massive and powerful the stars are, how many there are, how far apart they are. There’s a lot going on. And when it comes right down to it, we don’t have a clue as to why things are the way they are or how they got that way. And yet, on a more personal level, there does seem to be a spiritual side to humans and other animals as well. It’s like there is an essence within each of us that transcends the lives we lead here. I think that’s why music seems so powerful at times. It’s like music forms a connection between the physical and spiritual side of things.” Mandy suddenly turned to look at Arthur, almost as if she were becoming aware of him for the first time. “You know, I don’t usually rattle on this much, at least about things like this. My family and friends would be very surprised. They think I’m this very sweet, reserved, conservative girl who pretty much goes along with her conservative upbringing.” She raised her eyebrows. “So anyway, why don’t you tell me what you think?”

“Oh, I think you’re right.” he answered immediately, imagining knowing her better, imagining a conversation like this with her over dinner after several hours of uninhibited sex in the afternoon. “Human beings don’t know much about how or why we got here, and when religions try to fill the gap, the leaders often have their own agenda, with power and money being at the top of the list.”

“I guess that makes us both skeptics,” she replied, smiling.

“I’m afraid so,” he agreed. “We’ll probably both end up on the street someday, with a bottle of cheap wine, wishing we had had enough sense to listen to our parents.”

They both laughed. “Doomed. We’re doomed,” Mandy added. “Educated winos bemoaning the plight of human existence.” They both laughed again. “Our parents tried, but—” A series of announcements came in over the intercom. Mandy grabbed her purse and bag and looking suddenly stressed, said, “That’s my flight.”

Arthur found himself leaning forward as he asked, “Do you think you might want to visit Chicago sometime? There are a lot of things to do there.”

“That sounds nice, but I have a boyfriend. I’m sorry. I should have told you earlier.”

“That’s okay. I can’t say I’m surprised.” He sat back in his chair and looked down at the floor.

“I guess the conversation got a little personal,” she said. “I hope you don’t mind. Sometimes it’s easier to open up about things with someone you don’t know. You know, no strings attached. I’ve enjoyed talking with you.”

“Kind of like a one-night stand,” Arthur replied, looking past her, nodding his head slowly.

She smiled and said quietly, “Yeah, kind of like that.”

Arthur watched silently as she stood, gathered her things, and walked away.