Читать книгу Fain The Sorcerer - Steve Aylett - Страница 4

In which Fain yells at the Princess

Fain knew at once what had happened—he had travelled back in time as he had wished, but his clothing hadn’t. ‘I’ve read about how tricky this wishing game can be. Genies seem to revel in deliberately misunderstanding the simplest orders.’

He looked for the old one-armed man at the cave-mouth but found nothing—not even the pieces of urn, because of course it had not yet been broken. He found a cottage nearby and stole a ragged shirt and trousers from the washing line. And he made his way to the castle, at which he had not yet disgraced himself. Nobody was interested in chasing him or ordering his death.

‘You claim, like so many others, to be able to awake my daughter from her month-long slumber?’ the King asked him without enthusiasm. The atmosphere at court was gloomy and despondent, courtiers glumly flicking the pennants. ‘You realise she was enchanted by Hackler Thorn, the greatest sorcerer in the world?’

‘I am the greater sorcerer, Your Majesty,’ Fain lied. ‘I can start waking her right away, if it’s convenient.’

‘You’re a spirited young man. I hope, for your sake, that your confidence is well-founded.’

Fain was taken to the Princess’s sick room, where she lay in a bed of yellow shot silk. Fain was surprised to find that she really was beautiful, not the bland blonde that princesses generally tend to be. She was all the colours of a playing card, with sky-white skin, jet black hair and a big mouth like a target. Fain thought on the matter of how to wake her, and found that he indeed possessed the knowledge, in accordance with his wish. ‘Yes, I see what’s happened—Thorn gave her a brief glimpse of a universe of possibilities. As a result she’s utterly bored, your Majesty—by you, the court, the castle, the kingdom. Even at her young age it’s years since she heard an original idea. I’ll yell one in her ear and Bob’s your royal uncle. Alright?’ And crouching at the Princess’s pale ear, he shouted ‘Thursday and Saturday are the same day going under different names!’

And the Princess roused, much to the King’s delight. ‘What joy!’ he cried. ‘Send forth the word—the Princess is awake! We celebrate! Where is my jester?’

The jester pranced in to find his throat received and constricted by Fain, who shook him like a flag.

Pretty soon Fain was once again riding through the forest, the King’s men in pursuit. ‘At least,’ he thought, ‘I have released the Princess. But now that I’ve wrecked my chances at court by killing that mime again, I may as well carry out the other part of my plan— to meet with the old man and get another three wishes for myself. For as far as he’s concerned, he hasn’t met me yet.’ He found the old man sitting in the cave mouth and thought to himself ‘That moron will sit with that thing on his head for at least another day without my help.’

‘You! Idiot!’ he shouted at the man, leaping from the horse and thrashing it into a run. ‘I must hide in your cave.’

‘Take this jar from—’

Fain knocked him against the mossy wall, shattering the urn and freeing the man’s head. The man cried ‘When you merely look, you pine!’ or something like that. As the codger told him about the three wishes, Fain pretended it was the first he’d heard of all this. ‘Only three wishes? Well, you can help me with a problem. I happen to possess the ability to travel into the past—now for my first wish I want to magic my garments back in time also, to save the inconvenience of appearing suddenly naked throughout history. Second, I of course need a constant supply of gold coins to appear in my pockets, no matter how much cash I remove. And third, I wish to travel instantly to the place where Thorn the Warlock enchanted the princess a month ago, yet an hour before it occurred.’ For Fain could not stop thinking about the Princess.

‘You choose well, young stranger,’ cackled the old lunatic.

The day blinked and Fain stood completely naked in the massive audience hall of Thorn the Warlock.