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Chapter One

A Secure and Loving Start

“It all begins in your arms. Her knowing that she is cherished and safe. But to give her that security, we have to be in the right place ourselves.”

This chapter is about how to get the most important thing about childhood right. That is, to help your daughter have a deep-down feeling of security and worth. Everyone alive needs to have this, because it helps us to feel at ease in the world, able to be close to others, and able to relax. Babyhood is the best time to get this feeling, but it’s never too late to start.

For a little child, mum and dad are her whole world. Their emotions are her emotions. A baby doesn’t know (or care) if she lives in a tin shed or a palace, as long as those caring for her are kind and peaceful. If we can manage that, at least some of the time, then long after we are gone she will carry this memory inside her. When times are hard, it will be there for her to draw on. Of course, this can be hard for us to hear, because our adult world is a rushed and stressful place. We might have spent our lives racing to get ahead. But with a baby or toddler, the priorities are changed. The most valuable thing we can do is – very little. We need to calm things down.

Imagine for a moment what it would feel like to be a small baby, with someone’s arms holding you gently and a loving face looking down at you. See if you can feel in your body what that would be like, and enjoy it for a moment. Imagine knowing that you are at the very centre of this person’s love and concern. Knowing that they will capably and caringly look after you. That you have no need to do anything, prove anything or fear anything. That they delight in you, and enjoy you, and love you and will give you all that you need. That you are totally safe. Just imagine all these things, and notice how that feels in your body. Where do you feel it? What is it like?

THIS IS THE FEELING WE WANT OUR CHILDREN TO START OFF WITH

This kind of experience for your daughter can only come from having you, her parent/s – and hopefully a handful of other people as well – who love her and actively show that. This is best and most easily done when she is a baby, but it carries all the way through. And if you’re reading this because you have a ten-year-old or a seventeen-year-old then it’s still fine – you can still fix this. You’ll find out how, as this book goes on.

HOW TO MAKE SURE SHE’S SECURE

‘Am I loved and secure?’ That question is at the heart of every whimper she makes, every gaze she sends out in search of your smile, every excursion she makes crawling or toddling across the grass or the floor before scurrying back to your arms.

It’s a huge question. It depends on a mother (or father or other carer) being safe themselves. Supported. Not stressed by outside factors. It depends on those around the mother – a partner, grandparents, neighbours and friends – being caring and warm to her, so she can do the same for her baby. It depends on her having memories of warmth and security in her own life, if not in babyhood then at some later time.

Babies need to be loved for a very practical reason, because that means they will be attended to, fed, soothed, kept clean and safe, talked to and sung to and played with. That takes time – huge amounts of it. And it takes an adult sufficiently mature in themselves to put this little creature’s needs ahead of their own. Love isn’t just a gooey feeling, it’s a blazing fire, a massive power source to carry you through all these things. That’s why it has to be kindled well.

Here is a rating for your situation during your daughter’s early years – give each point a rating out of five stars (5 is VERY, 1 is HARDLY AT ALL). Go slowly with this, and really think it over. When your daughter was under two:

1.	How relaxed was your life?	□ □ □ □ □
2.	How supportive was your partner?	□ □ □ □ □
3.	How materially secure did you feel (housing, money, health care)?	□ □ □ □ □
4.	How supportive were others – grandparents, neighbours, friends?	□ □ □ □ □
5.	Did you bring to this task a calm, settled nature, or were you naturally nervous, jumpy or anxious (circle one)?

very nervous and afraid 1 2 3 4 5so calm I almost fell asleep

These questions add up to the whole picture, and so total your scores. My total ___________________

If you have less than 10, that’s quite a stressful time. Around 15 would be about average – not too bad.

Over 20 would be a miracle!

For many reading this, the scoring on the last questionnaire will come as a bit of a blow, because parenthood in the modern world has been made terribly stressful, and unsupported. We may be materially very secure, but emotionally far from that. Or the reverse. Or neither.

And there is another option. It’s possible the questionnaire is completely wrong in your case. Sometimes that can happen. You can have had a terrible time in the first year, little support, poor circumstances materially, isolated from others, and awful childhood memories of your own, and yet by sheer fierceness of your love and commitment, you just made sure her situation was nurturing, responsive and calm. Draw a circle around this sentence, just to celebrate …

‘I think I have overcome tough circumstances, or a terrible background of my own, and still made sure my daughter felt loved.’

Massive admiration and love to you.

And if not, if either way you look at it, it wasn’t an ideal start – don’t blame yourself. Don’t blame others. Allow that there may have been a stress burden, in your family and in your daughter’s early experience, which may explain some of the challenges she has. There are things you can do about these, but it begins with an honest appraisal. If the sense of being loved and secure is wobbly, then that has to be the primary focus. Even if she is ten or sixteen, repairing those babyhood feelings might still be the priority. She might really need lots of cuddles and quiet times with you each day just to settle down her autonomic nervous system which has always been set on ‘red alert’ since she was little. She can be capable, helpful, and deal with the big world, but still need to stop and fill her tank regularly until her mind learns that she really is secure.

“Our daughter was adopted: she came to live with us when she was one. We don’t even know what her babyhood was like – we suspect it was pretty terrible. She had quite a lot of issues growing up. But we loved her relentlessly and patiently, and knew she needed lots of reassurance, routine, lots of cuddles, lots of building up. We had read in Steve’s books that at the age of thirteen children ‘recycle’ their babyhood, or have a second babyhood, that makes them more open to love and affection. So we babied her a lot at that age. By fourteen she was completely out of that stage, and she has been going great ever since. She’ll always be a rather intense girl, I think, but her life is going fine.”

Mark, 48 and Amy, 42

“When my baby was one, I had to leave China for a year to study in the US. Our baby stayed with her grandma. When I came home, it was to have a second new baby. So our relationship is quite wobbly. She was fine with her grandma, but can’t live with her now. I am not sure that my career path has been good for her, and hope I can make it up to her.”

Guan-yin, 38

Loving small children is natural – we have hormones like oxytocin which help us to feel melty and soft when we are around them. But that doesn’t mean that the caring role comes naturally to everyone, because though the feeling may be there, the doing of it has to be learned. If we haven’t seen or experienced how loving is done, we might actually be quite tense and awkward in expressing our love for our baby. (Sometimes a mother or father feels almost nothing at all towards their new baby, and has to start gradually by getting to know them, and being helped with outside support to do this.) Almost everyone today has gaps in their ability to love, but don’t worry about this because, rather like a fire, you can create and kindle the beginnings and it starts to take off by itself.

There are two things that increase the capacity for love in your family. These love sources are:

1. Slowing down your world.

2. Getting into the river of love.

Let’s explain what these mean …

Slowing Down

THE SECRET OF WHERE LOVE GROWS

When I talk to audiences of parents, I watch and listen closely. Some ideas make people go quiet. Some make them laugh out loud. Some make the room light up with acknowledgement – of ‘Yes, that’s right!’. A good example of that last one is that HURRY IS THE ENEMY OF LOVE. When we are rushing through our lives, our interactions get more and more jarring and unsatisfying, even insensitive. The warmth and harmony between us disappears. Husbands and wives stop getting along. Parents and children annoy and irritate each other. Love is there, but it’s eaten away by not quite being attuned to each other, and so things go badly. Reaffirming closeness, understanding ‘where each other is at’, takes time. If you have children, especially small ones, then slowness is essential to love being able to grow.

For love to exist between a parent and child (or adult and adult) they have to first feel settled and present. You have to be tuned in – to yourself, and to them.

The sequence for making human connection is timeless. It can only go in this order. You settle down. You breathe and your shoulders relax and you sink into the chair. You begin to feel at home inside yourself. (Sometimes you realize – ‘I am really hungry’, or ‘I need a wee!’ It might be good to fix this!) Now, there is this baby, or toddler, or older child in front of you. From your feeling of OK-ness in yourself, you reach out to them. Perhaps they are fretting and anxious, or needy, or wanting to talk to you or get your help. Because you are OK on the inside, and have the time, their distress doesn’t distress you. You care about them, and are happy to help.

So you soothe them with words or touch, and they feel that you are calm, so they start to calm down too. (Babies and toddlers can’t regulate their own emotions. Many times a day, a baby or small child will ‘freak out’ at something strange, a loud noise, a stranger, falling and hurting themselves, a frustration they encounter, not getting what they want, or just some reason you or they can’t even figure out. A lot of what we do as parents is soothing these reactions, just holding them patiently as they let those feelings abate, and letting them settle, so they find a way out of their distress. After several years of us providing this, the pathways in their mind to a calmer state will be well trodden, and they will be able to do this for themselves.) If your child is old enough to talk, of course it’s easier: you listen to their worries, or help in a practical way, but you still keep that calm sense of attention and patience. They feel loved and noticed. They don’t need to be naughty or difficult to get your attention.

But this means you must not be busy! Which is tough, because the big world wants you to rush – timetables, bills, appointments, lessons and meals are all crowding in. It wants you to earn money, spend money, buy stuff you don’t need, be always on the go with self-improving activities, rushing kids to classes and sports and so on. Life is just so complicated and full – how can we do it without rush? And yet, when we rush, things always go wrong. Have you noticed that?

“I noticed something about myself – that I had a hurried feeling on the inside nearly all the time. It occurred to me – could I do things, even busy things, and be very active, but have a peaceful inside as I was doing it? Gradually I realized that I could. It meant being really mindful, and cultivating that feeling. You can be fast, but peaceful, for short bursts at least. You have to stop making yourself all stressy, stop being in the victim position. It’s rather good to enjoy getting a lot done while feeling good on the inside. But I still prefer lying around when I can!”

Serena, 40

So here is a very important first question.

Am I too busy?

(Tick which statement fits you best.)

□ 1. Yes, but I have to be to survive.

□ 2. Yes, and I want to do something about it.

□ 3. Sometimes things get crazy, but generally it calms down again.

□ 4. Changes have been made. I'm currently living at a slower pace than previously and it’s so much better now.

How Love Grows

To sum up – love takes time. It’s rare for two human beings to love each other from the very first moment. Even with little babies. Love is an interchange – you give a little, get something back, give more, get more back. This has to be tentative, respectful, you have to get attuned to each other. And even though we love each other, that connection is a living thing – it has to be re-established whenever we meet. It’s the same between husband and wife at the end of the day, or parent and a child who has been away all day at school.

In the way that families live now, though, hurrying can mean that this quality of connection happens less and less. Before long, you are just people under the same roof, living separate lives. Almost every marriage drifts into this place sometimes, and it’s lonely and sad. You have to win back the time, whatever it costs. It’s cheaper than divorce, or a child seeing a psychiatrist, or a teenager on drugs. (Drug use among teenagers does not correlate with any specific factor, such as poverty, but it does correlate with lack of parental time.) Sometimes you have to ‘put your family back together’ by slowing it down. Rekindle the respect and caring in your relationships. Rebond with the teenagers who all you seem to do is ‘manage’. Resteady your school-aged child who has become overscheduled. And settle your new baby by just hanging out with them for long lazy times. Win back the time of your life and use it to make your family harmonious again.

Have you ever done this deliberate slowing down of life?

Do you think this is needed in your family at the moment?

It might need the help of others in your family to achieve this. Talk it over. Make practical decisions about what might have to be dropped or let go, to reduce the hurry and rush.

The River of Love

Sometimes it isn’t possible to create love out of nowhere. There is a shortage – everyone in the family is running on an empty tank. How can you fill each other up? If your life is feeling impossible, then there is something else you have to do. You have to get into the ‘river’.

We humans are a species that developed with strong social supports always surrounding us. For millions of years our ancestors lived in caring, supportive groups, large extended families or clans of twenty to forty people. So when we start a family, it’s quite urgent that we seek out the ‘village’ that we are going to need. Nothing is more important for parents than to receive love and care themselves, so that they can give it to their child.

“My parents were loving, but very uptight people. They’d come through World War II as children, but at least had done so among many relatives and lifelong friends. Then, when we migrated to Australia, they were cut off from family supports and long-established friendships. They were better off materially, but much more lonely. Like many migrants, they had got out of the river. I had to get back in on my own. As a young man, I spent about a decade hanging out with kind older people before I was really at ease in the world, confident enough to be a father.”

Will, 62

You must, if you are a parent, and especially if you are finding it hard, seek out kind people to talk to, hang around with, get encouragement from. I remember as a young dad, just having to go to a playground and talk to the first other parent who came along. But sometimes it needs someone older, less competing or judgemental. In your neighbourhood, workplace, or in more formal ways like counselling or parenting groups and courses, find people who are loving and learn from them. Accept their care and attention as a necessary part of your parental role.

How would you describe your own sociability at this time in your life?

(Tick the one that comes closest.)

□ 1. I am a lone wolf. Nobody knows me, or cares about me.

□ 2. I am a reluctant lone wolf. I would like more emotional support, but don’t know where to find it.

□ 3. I am starting to reach out, make friends and get help from supportive people.

□ 4. I am connecting with other people a lot now, and it’s really helping.

□ 5. I am well-nourished emotionally, and now enjoy being a support to younger parents or others. I am passing on what I received, and it’s a joy to do.

Who is there, in your world, that could give you more support and comfort, encouragement and help?

Could you let them know you need that?

How would it go?

What would it take to get a more supportive network around you?

Or even just one friendly face that you regularly can count on?

If you are an older parent, are there young parents in your world who could use some help or encouragement?

How could you do that?

By doing these two things – having more time, and finding people who can be kind to you and getting their help – the first two years of your daughter’s life will go so much better. And at any age from two to adult, doing this can help repair or strengthen what you have to give her, and the bond between you that results.

“I was the ultimate loner. We moved from place to place. I didn’t trust other people. I wasn’t good at making friends, and once or twice I tried and was badly taken advantage of. But having a baby I realized I just had to, and luckily other parents I have met have been just great. Kids are a great excuse for making friends.”

Donna, 22

WHAT IF WE MISSED THIS STAGE?

Perhaps you have older children, but you noticed when you filled in the profile of your daughter’s girlhood at the beginning of the book that she did not rate very well on this stage? Don’t fret! The great thing about children and teenagers is that they give you many chances. If a stage has not been fulfilled, they unconsciously know that, and will show signs that they want something from you. It might not be obvious – often naughtiness or arguing or having problems in the big world are the language they use to say ‘notice me’. Here are some clues to what you can do.

In The Secrets of Happy Children (both the book and the talks I give) we explain how, around the age of twelve, kids start a second babyhood. This is caused by the neurological meltdown or pruning phase in the brain that marks the start of adolescence and puberty. (Brain puberty does not always occur the same as the physical signs of puberty. Breast development can now come much sooner due to environmental influences. Brain puberty is still usually around the age of twelve.)

The effect of puberty on the brain is so great that a teenager recycles right through the stages of growing up, between twelve and eighteen (and longer with boys). The great thing about this is that you get a second chance to get these stages right. As a rough guide, if you subtract twelve from your daughter’s age, you will pinpoint what age she is going through for the second time. So many thirteen-year-olds are like babies – confused, a bit lost, but also very emotionally open. You can rebond with a thirteen-year-old, cuddle them, feed them and comfort them, and they will let you!

Fourteen-year-olds go through another ‘terrible twos’ stage, and so you will need to keep your sense of humour, but also hold firm on boundaries, and not let them get you riled into shouting or making threats you can’t keep (special dad alert here).

In spite of their actual age in years, many children stay stuck at the stage where they didn’t get what they needed. They wait there until we are able to figure out and provide the missing experiences. The great thing about this is that we get a second chance (and a third and a fourth and so on). We can get in and repair the holes. A timid child can be gradually encouraged to be more adventurous, and see the fun in it, and loosen up and be messy and loud. A child who didn’t learn friendship can talk about that with you, and make strategies and learn to be social. And an insecure child can begin to trust and relax. We can always fix the past if we are logical and a little bit brave. There’s a lot more about this in the chapters still to come.

A Secure and Loving Start … In a Nutshell

For the under-twos, the main and most important thing they need is to feel loved and secure. For them to feel truly secure, you need to feel that way yourself. Two main things increase the amount of love you can give your girl.

1. Slow down your lives, so love has time to grow.

2. Get into the river of love by being with people who are kind to you. Then you will be filled up and have more to give.

Even with older girls, you can still put back the sense of security that they may have missed by slowing down and being warm and loving to them, so they can begin to relax and take that in.