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By STEPHEN LEACOCK

With drawings by John Leach of “Punch”

We have lately been struck, of course not dangerously, by a new idea. A recent number of a well-known magazine contains an account of an American multimillionaire who on account of the pressure of his brain-power and the rush of his business found it impossible to read the fiction of the day for himself. He therefore caused his secretaries to look through any new and likely novel and make a rapid report on its contents, indicating for his personal perusal the specially interesting parts.

Realizing the possibilities coiled up in this plan, we have opened a special agency, or bureau, for work of this sort. Any overbusy multimillionaire or superman who becomes our client may send us novels, essays, or books of any kind, and will receive a report explaining the plot and pointing out such parts as he may with propriety read. If he can once find time to send us a post-card or a postal cablegram, night or day, we undertake to assume all the further effort of reading. Our terms for ordinary fiction are one dollar per chapter; for works of travel ten cents per mile; and for political or other essays two cents per page, or ten dollars per idea, and for theological and controversial work seven dollars and fifty cents per cubic yard extracted. Our clients are assured of prompt and immediate attention.

Through the kindness of the editor of the “In Lighter Vein,” we are enabled to insert here a sample of our work. It was done to the order of a gentleman of means engaged in silver-mining in Colorado, who wrote us that he was anxious to get “a holt” on modern fiction, but that he had no time actually to read it. On our assuring him that this was now unnecessary, he caused to be sent to us the monthly parts of a serial story, on which we duly reported as follows:

Miss Plynlimmon converses with her grandmother.

January Instalment

Theodolite Gulch,

The Dip, Cañon County, Colorado.

Dear Sir:

We beg to inform you that the scene of the opening chapter of the “Fortunes of Barbara Plynlimmon” is laid in Wales. The scene is laid, however, very carelessly and hurriedly, and we suspect that it will shortly be removed. We cannot, therefore, recommend it to your perusal. As there is a very fine passage describing the Cambrian Hills by moonlight, we inclose herewith a condensed table showing the mean altitude of the moon for the month of December in the latitude of Wales. The character of Miss Plynlimmon we find to be developed in conversation with her grandmother, which we think you had better not read. Nor are we prepared to indorse your reading the speeches of the Welsh peasantry that we find in this chapter, but we forward herewith in place of them a short glossary of Welsh synonyms which may aid you in this connection.

February Instalment

They meet at sunrise on the slopes at Snowdon.

We regret to state that we find nothing in the second chapter of the “Fortunes of Barbara Plynlimmon” which need be reported to you at length. We think it well, however, to apprise you of the arrival of a young Oxford student in the neighborhood of Miss Plynlimmon’s cottage who is apparently a young man of means and refinement. We inclose a list of the principal Oxford colleges.

We may state that from the conversation and manner of this young gentleman there is no ground for any apprehension on your part; but if need arises, we will report by cable to you instantly.

The young gentleman in question meets Miss Plynlimmon at sunrise on the slopes of Snowdon. As the description of the meeting is very fine, we send you a recent photograph of the sun.

March Instalment

She is overwhelmed by a strange feeling of isolation.

Our surmise was right. The scene of the story that we are digesting for you is changed. Miss Plynlimmon has gone to London. You will be gratified to learn that she has fallen heir to a fortune of £100,000, which we are happy to compute for you at $486,666 and 66 cents less exchange. On Miss Plynlimmon’s arrival at Charing Cross Station, she is overwhelmed with that strange feeling of isolation felt in the surging crowds of a modern city. We therefore inclose a timetable showing the arrival and departure of all trains at Charing Cross.

April Instalment

Her first appearance in evening dress was gratifying.

We beg to bring to your notice the fact that Miss Barbara Plynlimmon has, by an arrangement made through her trustees, become the inmate, on a pecuniary footing, in the household of a family of title. We are happy to inform you that her first appearance at dinner in evening-dress was most gratifying. We can safely recommend you to read in this connection lines four and five and the first half of line six on page 100 of the book, as inclosed. We regret to say that the Marquis of Slush and his eldest son Viscount Fitz-Busé (courtesy title) are both addicted to drink. They have been drinking throughout the chapter. We are pleased to state that apparently the second son, Lord Radnor of Slush, who is away from home, is not so addicted. We send you under separate cover a bottle of Radnor water.

They have been drinking throughout the chapter.

May Instalment

We regret to state that the affairs of Miss Barbara Plynlimmon are in a very unsatisfactory position. We inclose three pages of the novel, with the urgent request that you will read them at once. The old Marquis of Slush has made approaches toward Miss Plynlimmon of such a scandalous nature that we think it best to ask you to read them in full. You will note also that young Viscount Slush, who is tipsy through the whole of pages 121-125, 128-133, and part of page 140, has designs upon her fortune. We are sorry to see also that the Marchioness of Busé under the guise of friendship, has insured Miss Plynlimmon’s life and means to do away with her. The sister of the marchioness, the lady dowager, also wishes to do away with her. The second housemaid, who is tempted by her jewels, is also planning to do away with her. We feel that, if this goes on, she will be done away with.

The housemaid, tempted by her jewels, is planning to do away with her.

June Instalment

We beg to advise you that Viscount Fitz-Busé, inflamed by the beauty and innocence of Miss Plynlimmon, has gone so far as to lay his finger on her (read page 170 lines six and seven). She resisted his approaches. At the height of the struggle, a young man, attired in the costume of a Welsh tourist, but wearing the stamp of an Oxford student, and yet carrying himself with the unmistakable hauteur (we knew it at once) of an aristocrat, burst into the room. With one blow he felled Fitz-Busé to the floor; with another he clasped the girl to his heart.

The Marquis of Slush.

“Barbara!” he exclaimed.

“Radnor!” she murmured.

You will be pleased to learn that this is the second son of the Marquis, Viscount Radnor, just returned from a reading tour in Wales.

P.S. We do not know what he read, so we inclose a file of Welsh newspapers.

July Instalment

We regret to inform you that the Marquis of Slush has disinherited his son. We grieve to state that Viscount Radnor has sworn that he will never ask for Miss Plynlimmon’s hand till he has a fortune equal to her own. Meantime, we are sorry to say, he purposes to work.

Viscount Radnor hunts a job.

August Instalment

The viscount is seeking employment.

September Instalment

The viscount is looking for work.

October Instalment

The viscount is hunting for a job.

November Instalment

We are most happy to inform you that Miss Plynlimmon has saved the situation. Determined to be worthy of the generous love of Viscount Radnor, she has arranged to convey her entire fortune to the old family lawyer who acts as her trustee. She will thus become as poor as the viscount, and they can marry. The scene with the old lawyer who breaks into tears on receiving the fortune, swearing to hold and cherish it as his own, is very touching. Meantime, as the viscount is hunting for a job, we inclose a list of advertisements under the heading “Help Wanted—Males.”

December Instalment

You will be very gratified to learn that the fortunes of Miss Barbara Plynlimmon have come to a most pleasing termination. Her marriage with the Viscount Radnor was celebrated very quietly on page 231. (We inclose a list of the principal churches in London.) No one was present except the old family lawyer, who was moved to tears at the sight of the bright, trusting bride, and the clergyman, who wept at the sight of the check given him by the viscount. After the ceremony the old trustee took Lord and Lady Radnor to a small wedding breakfast at a hotel (we inclose a list). During the breakfast a sudden faintness (for which we had been watching for ten pages) overcame him. He sank back in his chair, gasping. Lord and Lady Radnor rushed to him and sought in vain to tighten his necktie. He expired under their care, having just time to indicate in his pocket a will leaving them his entire wealth.

During the breakfast a certain faintness overcame him.

The viscount’s brother had been killed in the hunting-field.

This had hardly happened when a messenger brought news to the viscount that his brother Lord Fitz-Busé had been killed in the hunting-field, and that he (meaning him, himself) had now succeeded to the title. Lord and Lady Fitz-Busé had hardly time to reach the town house of the family when they learned that owing to the sudden death of the old marquis (also, we believe, in the hunting-field), they had become the Marquis and the Marchioness of Slush.

The old Marquis of Slush meets with a sudden death.

The Marquis and the Marchioness of Slush are still living in their ancestral home in London. Their lives are an example to all their tenantry in Piccadilly, the Strand, and elsewhere.

Their lives are an example to all the tenantry.

Concluding Note

Dear Mr. Gulch:

We beg to acknowledge with many thanks your check for one thousand dollars.

We regret to learn that you have not been able to find time to read our digest of the serial story placed with us at your order. But we note with pleasure that you propose to have the “essential points” of our digest “boiled down” by one of the business experts of your office.

Awaiting your commands,

We remain,

Our Literary Bureau.

THE DE VINNE PRESS, NEW YORK