Читать книгу Aphrodite’s Smile - Stuart Harrison - Страница 8

My father sounded tired when I spoke to him at the end of the week. But underneath his fatigue I detected a spark of his old resilience.

‘The gods haven’t finished with me yet, Robert,’ he said when I asked him how he was feeling. ‘They work in mysterious ways. In the face of peril they struck me down. A peculiar method of saving my wretched life, but effective nevertheless.’

I had no idea what he was talking about but I assumed that he was referring to his heart attack being a wake-up call. ‘The doctors told Irene you were lucky,’ I said. ‘You have to listen to their advice.’

‘Yes, yes. Don’t eat this, don’t drink that. I know all about it. A life of medicines and abstinence awaits me.’

Despite the curtailments he faced he sounded cheerful enough. I thought he wasn’t taking it seriously, which annoyed me because it was Irene who would have to take care of him. I told him how worried she had been and that he should think of her instead of himself.

‘Of course,’ he said, sounding suddenly regretful. ‘Poor Irene. I’ve put her through a lot. But I’ll make it up to her now. I’ve always loved her you know. She’s a remarkable woman.’

He was rambling, I thought. I wondered if it was the effect of his medication.

‘She tells me that you’ve been phoning,’ he said. ‘That’s very good of you.’

‘I was concerned about her,’ I said pointedly.

‘Yes, yes, of course,’ he murmured, the hurt evident in his voice.

I regretted being cruel, but my father had always brought out the worst in me. I tried to make amends by telling him that I was glad that he sounded better. We spoke for another minute or two and then, preparing to hang up, I said, ‘I should let you rest.’

‘Irene mentioned that you might come out some time soon,’ he said quickly.

The hopeful note in his tone made me uncomfortable. ‘When I can get away,’ I said.

‘It would be wonderful to see you. It’s been quite a long time hasn’t it?’

‘Maybe in a few weeks,’ I said. ‘I’ll let you know. In the mean time just remember to do what the doctors tell you.’

‘Yes, of course. You know, Robert, it’s funny but it’s true what they say you know. While I’ve been lying here I’ve had a lot of time to think. I know I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life. Things I regret. I’ve always wanted to try to explain.’

‘You can do it when you’re stronger,’ I cut in, but he wasn’t listening.

‘I thought I was doing the right thing when I left England. I never meant to leave it so long before I wrote to you. I suppose I thought it was for the best …’

‘It was a long time ago,’ I said. I had heard this before, but it hadn’t made any difference then and it wouldn’t now. What was done couldn’t be undone. ‘We can talk when I come over.’

‘I understand what you must have felt,’ he went on, as if he hadn’t heard me. ‘I didn’t at the time of course, but in retrospect …’

‘No!’ In the startled silence that followed I took a deep breath to calm myself. ‘You don’t know how I felt,’ I said quietly.

‘No, of course.’ He sounded suddenly exhausted. ‘Perhaps you’re right. This isn’t the time.’

‘You should rest,’ I said. ‘Let me speak to Irene.’

He said goodbye and handed me over. She must have been right beside him. I could hear the concern in her voice as she told him to lie back and rest, and when she came on the phone she spoke quietly.

‘You must try not to upset him.’

‘I’m sorry. Look, maybe it’s better if I don’t call for a few days.’

I wasn’t about to let the wounds of the past intrude on the present. I’d planned that Alicia and I would go away for the weekend and so I’d booked a cottage in the Cotswolds. She loved the country and I’d reserved a table at a restaurant that I knew she liked. I’d bought her a ring. I was going to do the whole corny thing of proposing and then I’d open the little box and put it down in front of her.

The night before we left, she got up from her chair and kissed the top of my head. ‘Sleepy?’

I’d been brooding, my thoughts occupied with Tony and my father. I knew from her tone that Alicia wasn’t thinking about sleep. Suddenly I wanted to make love to her. I wanted to feel close to her. A kind of reassurance.

I turned out the lights and followed her upstairs. When I went into our bedroom I glimpsed her reflection in the bathroom mirror. She was completely naked which was a sight that never failed to arouse me. Alicia took care of herself. She ran and worked out at the gym and it showed. As I began to turn away I saw her pop a birth control pill into her hand and then she dropped it into the sink and I heard the rush of water as she turned on the tap.

For a second I couldn’t move. I was shocked. Then I went back downstairs before she came out of the bathroom. I wondered how long she’d been throwing her pills away. When I thought about it, our sexual relationship had been fairly active recently even though Alicia had been working so hard. I couldn’t believe that she was trying to get pregnant. I thought I knew her, but I suddenly felt as if I didn’t know her at all.

When I went back upstairs again she was in bed and when I slipped in beside her she cuddled up to me, but I caught her hand as she slid it across my chest.

‘It’s been a difficult week,’ I said.

She hesitated in surprise but then she kissed me. ‘Go to sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning.’

I turned my back on her and lay in the darkness with my eyes wide open. Alicia snuggled against me, her arm draped across my hip. She shifted position and I felt the soft warmth of her breasts against my back as her fingers trailed against the top of my thigh as if by accident. I didn’t respond. I breathed slowly and evenly so that she would think I was asleep, and eventually she fell asleep herself. After a while she turned over and I raised myself on one elbow to watch her. Her lips were slightly parted, her hair had fallen over her cheek.

In the morning we drove down to the cottage, and later we went to the restaurant I had booked for dinner. I didn’t give her the ring I’d bought or ask her to marry me. Earlier I’d pretended to fall as I was climbing over a fence, and when we went to bed I used the excuse of a pulled muscle to avoid having sex. I couldn’t hide the fact that something was wrong however, I couldn’t bring myself to look her in the eye any more.

When we were packing to leave on Sunday afternoon she saw the ring when the box fell out of my bag. When she picked it up she looked at me questioningly then opened it. She stared at it for what seemed like a long time and then she gave it back to me and sat on the edge of the bed.

‘Did you buy that for me?’ she asked quietly. I didn’t answer. ‘The other night at home you saw me didn’t you? You saw me flush my pill down the sink. I thought you had. I caught a glimpse of something moving in the mirror. Why didn’t you say something?’

‘I’m not sure. I needed to think about it I suppose.’

She nodded to herself and looked at her feet before she met my eye again. ‘And now that you’ve thought about it?’

‘Why did you do it?’

She smiled sadly. ‘I shouldn’t have, I know. But every time we talked about it you kept putting it off.’

‘So you decided to make the decision by yourself.’

‘It was wrong. But I thought … no I think … that you’ll never agree to have children. I think you’re afraid to. You think your children might hate you the way you hate your father.’

‘Christ.’ I shook my head at her amateur psychology. ‘That’s bullshit. The truth couldn’t be more different. I want kids. It’s true I don’t want to fuck things up for them, but that’s why I’ve put it off. I just wanted to be sure.’ I gestured angrily toward the ring. ‘And I was sure. Why else do you think I got you that?’

Alicia looked at me. Her eyes were shining. ‘Nothing’s changed then,’ she said in a quiet voice. ‘I love you. I always have. You must love me if you bought that.’

But I didn’t know any more. She was wrong to think nothing had changed and she knew it.

The following morning in London Alicia told me that she was going to stay with a friend for a while.

‘I think it would be for the best.’ She wrote me a number and left it by the phone. ‘I’m sorry for what I did. But it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you.’

That night when I came home to an empty house I wanted to phone her, but I told myself I needed time to think about it all, to decide how I felt. I missed her. I felt as if I was rattling around in my big house that suddenly felt empty. But as the days passed it began to get easier.

A week later Irene phoned to say that she was taking my father home from hospital. I was surprised. He’d barely been in there for two weeks.

‘The doctors have advised against it,’ she said, ‘but he will not listen.’

I had the feeling there was something she wasn’t telling me. I sensed her indecision. When I asked her what was wrong she said it was nothing, but she asked me again when I was going over.

‘A few weeks,’ I said. ‘I promise.’

After I’d hung up I picked up the number Alicia had left me. I stared at it for a long time, and then I crumpled it up and threw it in the bin.