Читать книгу The Gift of a Child - Sue MacKay - Страница 9

MITCHELL PUT THE rubbish bin in the far corner and covered it with the hand towel hanging beside the basin. Who knew when Jodi might need it again? She looked terrible, pale and shaky, the fingers she gripped some tissues with trembling non-stop. Half the water in the glass he handed her splashed over her jeans.

Returning to his desk, he parked his butt on the edge and folded his arms across his chest. He studied her carefully as she sipped and rinsed her mouth. Looked hard for the Jodi he used to know. Impossible to find behind the un-happiness in those eyes. Not easy to see in her bedraggled appearance. Hadn’t she been looking after herself? If he’d thought she’d been white before, he’d been totally wrong.

A tiny knot of fear formed in his gut. What if she was telling him the truth? Jodi never dodged bullets; always told it like she saw it. So wouldn’t she have told him about a baby right from the get-go? Wouldn’t she? Maybe not. She’d always been fiercely independent.

Not to mention the memory now flashing across his brain of how she’d called him the most unreliable man on the planet when it came to devoting time to her or anyone not involved in his work. Had even gone so far as to call him selfish. So she’d expect the same of him when it came to their child. At the time, her frank appraisal had stung. Honest to the point of being brutal. That was Jodi. And right now he’d swear that same honesty was blinking out at him.

He tried to dampen the sarcasm. He really did. ‘You turn up here after all this time to tell me I’m a father. Do you honestly think I’m about to believe you without knowing more? Come on, I might not be top of your favourite people list but you also know I’m not stupid. If you were pregnant, why did you kick me out? I’d have been the gravy train.’

He stood up and headed for the door. He couldn’t do this. He didn’t want to do it.

You’re running away, big boy.

Yeah, well, it hurt to think she’d even consider him fool enough to believe her. Hadn’t she got it? Way back? Got that he didn’t do commitment or that for ever stuff?

Wake up. That’s probably why she never told you she was pregnant. ‘What took you so long to tell me?’ He ground the words out.

‘I tried to tell you.’

‘How come I missed that?’

Her finger picked at her jeans. ‘I phoned the flat you moved to a few times but you were never there, night or day. I didn’t want to spring it on you in front of your colleagues in the ED. But finally I gave up thinking like that and tracked you down at work.’

The hairs rose on the back of his neck. He knew what was coming. Hell, damn, double damn. Once again he’d blown it—big time.

‘You were well and truly absorbed in a nurse. That was some steamy kiss going on in the sluice room. Her arms must’ve taken a month to unwind from around you.’ Anger and hurt blended to turn her voice sad and low. ‘You’d got over me so fast I wondered if you’d even remembered my name.’

Embarrassment made him squirm. ‘It was deliberate. To make you think I didn’t care. I saw you come into the department.’ He sounded like a fifteen-year-old. Actually, that was insulting all teens.

Jodi gaped at him. ‘You did what?’

‘Yes, well, it kind of upset me when you kicked me out but I had no intention of showing you that.’ If only he’d known why Jodi had come looking for him that day. Would it have made any difference? He’d like to think he’d have stepped up to the mark.

She was shaking her head at him. ‘Do you know what that stupid act did? The anguish it caused?’ She spluttered to a stop, twisted her fingers around each other and stared at her feet.

‘For what it’s worth, I’m sorry. But be fair, I had no idea why you were there. You still could’ve insisted on talking to me.’

‘I went away to think it all through. That took a lot longer than I’d expected.’ Did she mutter ‘Months longer’ under her breath?

He felt beyond terrible. Despite everything he’d heard, that knot of fear hadn’t evaporated at all. But what happened now? What did he say? Do?

Jodi’s voice wobbled but her words were loud and clear. ‘Trust me, I wouldn’t be telling you now if I could avoid it.’

Stopping in mid-stride, he spun back to her. ‘Hey, I certainly didn’t ask for this. I’m not the one making you spill the beans.’ But I am the one behaving badly. Hear her out before showing her the door. It might be quicker and easier that way. And if there was something he could do for her then he’d do it just to show there were no hard feelings. Sure you’re not remembering how much you liked Jodi before she sent you packing? Sure you don’t want to make amends just a little bit for treating her so offhandedly back then? For kissing that dazzling blonde whose name you can’t recall?

I was looking out for myself.

Excuses, excuses.

Jodi pulled herself upright and still looked small. But fighting hard. Like she wasn’t about to give up on this in a hurry. A mother protecting her child?

That twist of fear grew bigger.

‘Mitchell, we can go the DNA route if you want proof Jamie is yours. But I think I can persuade you with this.’

His gaze was glued to her as she slid her hand inside the back pocket of her jeans. As she began withdrawing a cellphone, a sudden landslide of emotion engulfed him. He knew without seeing whatever she was about to show him that finally everything he’d ever done, all the deliberate plans to remain unattached to anyone for ever had just come completely undone.

He did know Jodi. Knew she’d never pull a stunt like this on anyone. Knew how she would not have hesitated to bring a child up on her own. Knew that she’d love that child more than life itself. All the arguing in his head couldn’t change that.

Her hand shook violently as she held the opened phone out, a photo shining at him. ‘This is Jamie. Your boy.’

He stared and stared at that phone, unable to reach for it because the moment he did he was finished. Life had come full circle on him. He’d spent years perfecting avoidance of commitment. Even his town house was just a building to sleep and shower in. His mouth was drier than a summer wind. His insides tossed and turned as though in a tumble dryer.

‘Mitch, take it. Please.’ A tear oozed from the corner of her eye.

He had always been able to turn a blind eye to women’s tears. Until now. That solitary drop of water inching down her cheek arrowed straight to his heart. Jodi. Jamie.

His fingers weren’t steady, probably never would be again. The phone slipped through her hand and his to the carpeted floor. Jodi didn’t move to pick it up, sat there peering up at him with those stricken eyes. Finally he reached down, swooped it up, turned it the right way round and, with a suck of air, met his son.

He stared at his own reflection. At least, that’s what it looked like. The eyes looking out at him were the same shade of blue he saw in the mirror every time he shaved. The only difference about the straight dark hair was the style. Slightly too long and wild. The generous grin with even, white teeth; the straight, pointed nose. Even the ‘to hell with the world’ attitude in the little lad’s stance. This was himself thirty-three years ago.

But this photo. The modern background and clothes. This was different. Not even he could deny this boy was his.

Jamie was his son. He was a dad. Oh, my God.

‘Mitchell?’ His name hiccupped off Jodi’s lips.

‘Why now? Why not three years ago?’ He swallowed the bitter comments hovering on his tongue. He mightn’t want to be a father, or to even know he was one, but she should’ve told him, given him the choice of what to do about the situation. Except Jodi knew him all too well, had known he’d resist with every fibre in his body. What had changed her mind about telling him?

Jodi grimaced, went back to twisting her fingers round and round. The desolation in her face drilled him. ‘I am very, very sorry.’

He waited quietly, while his heart thudded hard against his ribs. He couldn’t have enunciated a word if he’d tried. I’ve missed out on so much. Three years of growing up that I’ll never know about. Surprising how much that hurt. Even when it was partially his own fault. Especially because of that. Jodi had carried the weight of his blind need to protect himself, had paid the consequences. Until tonight. ‘Tell me what brings you here now.’

When she finally answered it was with dignity. ‘Jamie’s very ill. He’s going to die if I don’t get the right care very soon. You might be able to help him.’

The strength went out of his knees. Gripping the edge of the table, he held himself upright. He’d asked and got the answers. Damn it. He stared at her. Her unwavering gaze spoke the truth. All of this nightmare was true. All of it. And more. His head whirled with angry questions. With denial. With acceptance. With—he didn’t know the hell what with but it sure as blazes hurt. Pain needled him, squeezed him, shook him like a defenceless kitten in a dog’s mouth.

Groping for his chair, he sank down into it and dropped his head into his hands. Could he rewind the clock an hour? Back to when the biggest problem he’d had was keeping his staff happy during the coming week? Back to when he’d been snoozing before going to a party?

‘What do you want from me?’ He didn’t recognise his own voice it was so croaky. ‘Money?’ He lashed out, trying to step through this mire of problems he’d never expected to have, trying to come out on top of it all. His way. The way he felt safe. The way he had some control over everything.

‘I’ll forget you said that.’ Ice chipped off Jodi’s words. ‘Jamie has renal failure. Cystinosis, to be exact. Our specialist in Dunedin believes he’s got a better chance up here. In this hospital.’

‘Bloody hell.’ Mitch leapt up and strode across the room, turned at the wall, strode back. Turned and slapped his hands on his hips as he bent down towards her. ‘Kick me in the guts, why don’t you?’

‘I know how you must be feeling.’

His eyebrows disappeared over the back of his head and his jaw clanged down on his chest. The situation got the better of him. ‘You know how I’m feeling? That’s rich.’

Her eyes were murky, like mud. Wet, brown and so, so sad. ‘I’ve been dealing with Jamie’s illness all his life. But I haven’t forgotten the day I was told about his condition. The terror, the sense of failing my baby, wanting to believe the doctors had made a mistake and that someone’s else’s son was sick and not mine. And then guilt for thinking that. So, yes, I do know.’

Did she have to sound so bloody reasonable? And so disappointed with him? Couldn’t she cut him some slack? It was all too much, too new, too raw. He tried to breath, struggled. Paced across the room and back, swallowed the lump blocking his throat, and strove for control. Back and forth across his office, which got smaller with every turn. He needed to get out of there, get some air. Stop thinking for a bit to give his mind time to settle down and absorb everything he’d learned over the last few minutes.

‘I’m going for a walk.’ He headed for the door.

Jodi was out of her chair and in his face so fast he hadn’t even reached for the door handle. ‘I’m coming with you.’

‘No, Jodi. Give me a break here, okay? I need time to myself. It’s not like you’ve given me a weather forecast or told me the cat’s got fleas. This is huge. I need to absorb it all before I decide what I’m going to do.’

Her lips tightened. ‘I understand. It’s been a big shock. But I’m coming with you. You’ll have plenty of questions once you start getting past the initial disbelief and I want to be there to answer them.’ When he narrowed his eyes at her she added quickly, ‘I won’t say a thing unless you ask me to.’

Maybe this really was a lookalike Jodi.

His phone sang a tune. He groaned as he read the message. ‘Samantha’s wondering why I haven’t turned up at the party yet.’

If looks could kill, he’d be a goner. Holding his hands up in a placating gesture, he added, ‘I’m definitely not in the mood for a party now.’ Probably never would be again. His finger pressed the ‘off’ button. Shocking how quickly life could change.

‘Samantha is?’

‘Not my girlfriend.’ He hauled the door open and Jodi slipped out right alongside him. She stuck to him all the way through the hospital corridors, through the car park and onto the street, where he strode blindly along the footpath, trying to outrun this nightmare.

And, true to her word, she didn’t utter a word.

Which was even more disturbing. He did not know this Jodi at all.

Jodi shivered in the chill night air. Wrapping her arms around her upper body, she tripped along beside Mitch.

Engrossed in thought, he didn’t seem to realise she was still with him, which gave her a chance to study him uninterrupted. Every time they passed under a streetlight she saw the raw shock still in his face. And the serious bent of his gaze. The clenched jaw.

At least he wasn’t shucking Jamie off like a used coat. That had to be good. Mitch was the champion of avoidance when it came to getting close to someone. He knew all the moves to keep people at arm’s length. Even in the best times they had together she’d known she had no future with him, that eventually he’d be gone.

That had made it a little easier to toss him out. Only a very little. The weeks and months following that disastrous day had been hard. Learning she was pregnant had added to her grief, but hadn’t broken her resolve to stay away from him after the conversation she’d overheard between him and his twin.

‘Here, put this on.’ Mitch shrugged out of his jacket and handed it to her.

‘Th-thanks. Wh-what about y-you?’ Her teeth hurt as they chattered from the cold.

‘I’ll be fine.’

The jacket came down to her knees and she could’ve wrapped it around herself twice. ‘A-anything y-you want to ask m-me?’

‘What field did you finally qualify in? Paediatrics or general practice?’

Okay, not about Jamie, then. ‘I opted for general practice when I learned I was pregnant.’

‘Why?’

As warmth seeped into her chilled muscles she concentrated on telling him what he wanted to know. ‘I didn’t like the idea of the horrendous hours that working in a hospital entailed. I wanted to be home at the end of the day for my child. Turned out it was a good move. Since Jamie became ill I’ve only worked part time.’ Very part time, some weeks.

‘Do you like being a GP?’

Still avoiding the real issue. She sighed. Maybe this was the way to the heart of the matter, giving him time to assimilate everything. ‘I love it. I see the same people regularly, get to know their families, watch the children growing.’ Her words dwindled away as she thought of Jamie and how he didn’t seem to grow at all these days. How a good day for him was one without pain or not being admitted to hospital.

‘Yeah, I can see you fitting right in there. You always could empathise with people as easily as breathing.’

Whereas he’d never enjoy spending his days working with the same people, getting to know their strengths and weaknesses, having them believe they had a connection with him beyond a fifteen-minute consultation. But she took the compliment, held it in her heart; a small warmth in an otherwise frosty situation. ‘You obviously still love the adrenalin rush of emergency medicine, though the hours seem to have taken their toll if that little snooze I witnessed is anything to go by.’

His elbows dug into his sides briefly. ‘Caught. But in defence I’ve been working for ten days straight. And before you say it, I haven’t changed in that respect. I do love the rush and drama of ED.’

Had he changed at all? In what ways? She hadn’t noticed anything different yet. ‘What about being HOD? More paperwork, less action, surely?’ Definitely not his forte.

‘Not in my department. Head of Department isn’t a job to be turned on and off. The paper stuff gets done when it gets done, which lands me in hot water too often. Tough. The patients come first. The work’s demanding and absorbing. How many people can say they get a buzz out of their job every single day? Do you?’

No, sometimes she was so tired after sitting up all night with Jamie it took everything she had to even turn up. ‘I used to love the buzz when I was training in hospital too, but I never let it take over my whole life.’ Ouch. Snippy. Settle down. Antagonising the guy wouldn’t win her any favours. ‘Sorry.’

Mitch stopped and took her elbow to turn her. Looking down into her eyes, he smiled tiredly. ‘I guess we’ve got a few bones to pick over. But maybe not tonight, eh?’

Staring through the half-light, she could see how confused, lost even, he looked. Yet his hand on her elbow was reassuring. Standing here with Mitch, something she’d never thought she’d do again, a sense of homecoming washed over her. The strength she’d loved in him, the gentleness, the caring. She’d missed all that and more.

They might never become real friends, might always bicker and try to avoid each other, but he knew about Jamie now. So nothing would ever be the same for her again, ever be as bad as the last lonely, heartbreaking three years had been. Mitch was back in her life, no matter how tentatively. As if he’d ever truly left. Reaching up, she palmed his bristly chin for an instant. ‘You’re right. Not tonight.’

In silence they continued along the footpath, dodging Saturday night revellers outside The Shed, a bar that appeared to be very popular. After half an hour they started back towards the hospital and her car. With growing exasperation Jodi waited for Mitch to ask her something, anything, about Jamie. Surely his head was full of questions? Didn’t he want to know what Jamie’s favourite food was? What toys he loved to play with? Did he take after his father or his mother in temperament?

Mitch would’ve seen from the photo how physically alike he and his son were. That had been hard at times. There had been days she’d looked at Jamie and cried for Mitch. Not only to be with her, supporting her, sharing the agony of watching her boy getting sicker and sicker, but because she’d missed him so much.

There’d been times when she’d seen Mitch in her son’s face and had wanted to charge up to Auckland to tear him apart, to rant and yell at him for being so neglectful of her that she hadn’t been able to tell him about his child.

But now the silence hung between them and she didn’t know how to break it without upsetting him and she’d already done that in bucketloads tonight. But surely he wanted to know about Jamie’s illness and what lay ahead?

They reached the car park and she thought Mitch was going to walk away from her without another word. Anger rolled through her. That wasn’t going to happen. ‘Mitchell, you can’t avoid this one.’

His jaw jutted out, his eyes flashed as angrily as hers must be doing. ‘Where is Jamie? Did you bring him to Auckland with you?’

What? ‘Like I’d leave my seriously ill child behind while I came up here? Who do you think I am? I’m a very responsible mother, and you’d better believe that.’ The words fired out at him and there were plenty more coming, except he put a finger to her lips.

‘Hey, stop it. You wanted questions yet when I ask one you take my head off.’ Those blue eyes were so reasonable it infuriated her.

She took a deep breath, stamped on her temper and tried for calmness. ‘This hasn’t been easy, coming to see you.’

‘I’m sure it hasn’t, but that’s also kind of sad. I’d have thought we were better than that.’ His gaze remained steady. ‘So where is this lad?’

‘With Mum in a motel down the road at Greenlane.’ She named the motel and reluctantly smiled when he whistled.

‘That’s a bit trashy, isn’t it?’

‘Money’s tight. And before you say anything, that’s not a hint. I hope to find a small flat in the next few days. The hospital did offer to put us up in one of those homes they provide for families with sick children but I don’t think I can cope with living with other people, strangers, right now.’

Mitch studied his feet for so long she wondered if he’d fallen asleep standing upright.

‘Mitch?’

He didn’t look up. ‘I’d like to see him.’

Yes. Her hands clenched. Yes, yes. Fantastic. ‘Any time you like. We can go there now. The motel’s only ten minutes away.’

Lifting his head he drilled her with his gaze. ‘Whoa, slow down. Tomorrow will be fine. Let’s leave Jamie to his sleep tonight.’

Mitch was right. But wait until tomorrow and he might change his mind. All those hours to come up with reasons not to see his son. ‘Are you sure?’

‘Yes.’ Then, ‘What’s your plan for seeing specialists?’

‘We’ve got an appointment with a renal specialist on Monday morning. Lucas Harrington. Know him?’

‘Yes, a little. An American who moved here with his Kiwi wife a year ago. He’s about the best you can get anywhere.’

‘That’s what I’ve been told. I also researched him on the internet and liked what I saw. He’s written some interesting papers.’ But could he save her boy?

‘What time on Monday?’

‘Huh?’

‘Your appointment. I’ll come with you. It might help if he knows I’m in the background.’

Her jaw dropped. She hadn’t seen that coming. Mitch might not be owning up to fatherhood yet but he was supporting her in the one way he’d be utterly confident. ‘Um, great. Yes, that’s wonderful. Thank you. Ten o’clock.’

‘Your enthusiasm’s overwhelming. I thought this was why you knocked on my door,’ he grumbled, then gave her a genuine smile for the first time since she’d walked into his office.

As far as smiles went it wasn’t huge or exciting or welcoming, but it was warm and sincere. And her mouth dried. Her empty stomach sucked in. She’d once fallen in love with that smile.

I can’t afford to do that again.

But it was going to be good seeing Mitch occasionally over the next few months while Jamie hopefully got the treatment he needed.

‘There’s something you should know.’ Mitch’s drawl broke into her thoughts. ‘That party I’m supposed to be at? It’s an early farewell party. My farewell. I leave for Sydney in less than two months’ time, where I’ve accepted a job in the city’s busiest hospital. It’s a very prestigious position.’

She gasped, ‘I don’t believe it. You can’t.’ Shock rippled through her. Gripping her fists under her chin, she stared up at this man who seemed to slip out of tricky situations more easily than a greased eel slid from a man’s hands. ‘Of all the things you could’ve told me, I’d never have picked that one.’

‘Bad timing, isn’t it? Really bad.’

Her mouth fell open and she gaped at him.

He did sound apologetic. That didn’t help one iota.

She almost cried. ‘You have no idea.’ What have I done? Can I undo it? How totally unfair it would be to introduce Jamie to his dad only to have Mitchell disappear on him. No, that could not happen. No way.

Mitch looked directly at her, fixing her with those intense blue eyes. ‘It’s not right for a child to lose parents at an early age. Better not to have known them at all.’

By the time she found her voice and could get a sound out around the rock in her throat Mitch was long gone.

From the corner of the car park Mitch watched Jodi drive away from the hospital, his heart knocking and his head spinning.

Jodi Hawke had come to town, bringing with her problems he’d never expected to have to face.

‘I’m a father.’

Heading for his four-wheel drive in the underground park, he tried to think what this meant to him. Was he thrilled? Excited? Terrified? Angry?

Damn it. He’d go to Samantha’s party, drink a tankful and sink into oblivion. Forget Jodi was here. Forget the bombshell she’d dropped.

And how’s that going to look in front of your staff? Their HOD off his face at the party they’d put on to say farewell to him? A farewell he couldn’t look forward to anymore. Staff who expected better of him.

‘I’m a father.’

Yeah, he got that. Sort of. When would it really kick in? To the point where everything he did or thought had to take into consideration a small person? It might never happen with him. He wasn’t exactly qualified to be a parent.

Turning, he headed back to the road. The Shed Bar would be crowded and heaving but he could get a drink and not be able to hear himself think. Perfect.

Or he could change into his gym gear, which was in the back of his vehicle, and go for a run up at Auckland Domain. Build up a sweat and tire his body so that it would go to sleep when he finally crawled into bed. Pound the paths that circled the museum.

Yeah, and probably break an ankle tripping over a kerb.

Anyway, he liked the bar idea better. Shoving his hands deep into his trouser pockets, he headed for bourbon. On the rocks.