Читать книгу Fool's Gold Collection Volume 3 - Susan Mallery, Susan Mallery - Страница 11

Chapter Six

Paige spent the afternoon catching up on her laundry and sorting through the food left in her refrigerator. She’d sent most of the casseroles with Alistair when Simon had come to pick him up. She looked through what was left and froze most of it. With luck, she wouldn’t have to cook for a couple of weeks. Around four, she headed for the fire station, ready to catch up on any paperwork that had accumulated since she’d been busy with her houseguest. While someone else filled in to answer the phone, she was the one who took care of writing letters and making sure all the bills were forwarded to the municipal accounting office.

She was done by seven and started the short walk back to her place.

The evening was clear and cooling off rapidly. The Spring Festival would continue the next day, so the vendors had left their booths in the center of town. A band played in the square and Paige listened to the music as she walked.

She was both restless and confused. Confused because she usually loved her life and suddenly nothing felt right. It was as if her skin no longer fit. She breathed in the scent of flowers and cut grass and knew that most of her problem came from Alistair being gone. In a few short days, she’d grown used to having him around. She looked forward to their conversations and spending time with him. Without him, she didn’t know what to do with herself.

“Ridiculous,” she murmured aloud. All she had to do was remember what she’d done with herself two weeks ago. How hard could that be?

She rounded the corner of her street and started toward her house. As she walked closer, something moved on the porch. A man stood, as if he’d been waiting.

Her heart fluttered, her breathing quickened and it was all she could do to keep from flying the last few feet.

“What are you doing here?” she asked, aware that she sounded breathless.

“Montana tires easily,” Alistair told her. “Simon and I have caught up and I thought I would leave the two of them alone for a few hours.” He paused and stared into her eyes. “Plus, I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too.”

“When I arrived here and you were gone, I wondered if you were out on a date.”

“I put in a couple of hours at work at the fire station.”

Relief eased the tension in his face. “Good to know.” He held up the computer case he held. “I have a plan.”

“I can’t wait to hear what it is.”

Fifteen minutes later, his computer was sitting on the dining room table. Next to it was a large map of Europe and a pad of paper. Paige had poured them each a glass of wine. She handed him one and then looked at everything he’d brought.

“I don’t understand.”

“All you have to do is take the first step,” he told her. “Plan the first trip. The rest will follow.”

She knew he was right, yet instead of agreeing, she set down her wine and tucked her hands behind her back. “I can’t.”

He put his glass next to hers and put his hands on her shoulders. “We’ll do this together. You don’t have to be afraid.”

She didn’t deny the obvious. That she was afraid. What was the point? But for all his claims of their doing anything together, the truth was she would leave on the trip by herself.

What had seemed so glamorous in theory was suddenly lonely. Looking into Alistair’s eyes, she realized that she’d always assumed there would be someone with her when she traveled the world. Sophia, or a nameless, faceless friend.

Alistair pulled two chairs close together and urged her to sit in one. He took the other, then typed into his computer’s browser. A picture of Paris appeared on the screen.

“I suggest you start with a more traditional destination,” he began. “Paris, or London. With a Eurail Pass, you can explore the rest of Europe at your own pace. You have to see Rome. Now I’ve taken the liberty of suggesting a few itineraries.”

He clicked a couple of keys and a list came up. The title was Paris, followed by a list of places to go, including several walking tours.

“This is a museum most people overlook,” he told her. “Yes, the Louvre is important, but I think you’ll enjoy this one as well.”

He continued talking, explaining about a Saturday morning market he favored and how she could be in Italy in time for the grape harvest. His voice washed over her, making her see the journey he had planned. Finally, he turned to her.

“I know this is what you want,” he told her. “What Sophia wanted for you. You’ve been missing her, which shows how much you loved her. Now it’s time to take a step forward.”

He took her hand in his. “I know what I’m talking about. I’ve spent the last few years beating myself up for being gone when I lost my family. I’ve been unable to release the past and move on. You’ve helped me get unstuck. I want to return the favor.”

His eyes were the most remarkable color of blue, she thought hazily. She could stare into them forever. If only he would come with her. If only…

There it was again, she thought. A reason to delay. A reason to say, “Not today.” She was twenty-six. Would she find excuses until she was thirty? Forty? Would she reach sixty and then say she was too old?

Her heart told her Alistair might be the one. That she could easily fall in love with him. But he wasn’t offering anything beyond travel advice and if she didn’t act now, she would be stuck for who knows how long.

“Do you think if I fly out of San Francisco, I could get a direct flight?” she asked.

Alistair laughed and squeezed her fingers. “I knew you’d understand. Let’s see what flights are available.”

Over the next couple of hours, they looked at airlines and itineraries. Paige knew she had to give her employers some notice before flying off to Europe for several months. Finding someone to rent her house while she was gone would help with expenses as well. But by the time she walked Alistair to the door, she had a plan and a list of inexpensive hotels where she could stay. She was giving herself four weeks to pull it all together and then she was leaving. No matter what.

Alistair reached for the door, then paused. He cupped her face in his hand and bent down to kiss her. The soft touch healed and aroused in equal measure, leaving her breathless. She wanted more, she thought, letting her eyes drift closed. She wanted more than a few hours with the man who pressed his lips to hers.

What was it Aunt Sophia had always said? If wishes were horses then beggars would ride. If…

She wrapped her arms around his neck and gave herself over to the kiss. If this wasn’t to be, then she would store memories and take them out to savor later on. Like her first trip to Europe. When she was old, she would sit in the sun with her friends and talk about the handsome, charming viscount she’d once known.

He moved his mouth against hers. He tasted of the wine they’d shared and something slightly more tempting. His body was strong and hard against hers. She leaned into him, letting her breasts nestle against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her waist, holding her close.

When his tongue touched her bottom lip, she parted her lips for him. The kiss deepened, grew more intimate. Need pulsed in time with her heartbeat and she felt herself growing weak with longing. But before she could decide if she wanted to take Alistair upstairs, he drew back.

He pressed his mouth to her cheeks and her nose, then lightly touched his lips to hers.

“Good night, Paige,” he whispered, and then he was gone.

* * *

“You’re not listening.” Simon made the statement conversationally.

Alistair shook his head. “I’m sorry,” he said automatically. “I was thinking.”

“Not about work.”

“How do you know?”

“I’m not sure,” his friend admitted. “I’ve seen you when you’re thinking about where you’re going next and you didn’t have that look.”

They were in Simon’s study. It was late and Montana had gone to bed hours ago. She was due in a few short weeks and her body needed the rest.

“We aren’t nearly as brave as the women in our lives,” Alistair said. “What they do for us. Bearing children. I doubt that I could.”

Simon grinned. “Excluding the biological issues.”

Alistair laughed. “Yes. Of course. It’s a huge commitment of resources. And yet they do it cheerfully, again and again.”

Sara had been thrilled when she’d discovered that she was pregnant. He had been happy as well, but unable to stay in England. He’d had commitments. He’d wanted her to go with him, but she’d needed to be near her family and her doctor. Perhaps when the baby was older, she’d said, but he’d known even then that she had no intention of ever leaving the quiet village where she’d always lived.

He’d gone without her. He’d returned in time for the birth and then had left again. Months later, mother and daughter had been killed. He’d had no idea. No psychic sense of loss. Just a phone call in the middle of the day. He hadn’t even been in surgery.

He’d flown home immediately. His parents and in-laws had handled the details, leaving him to mourn. Shock had settled in. He’d barely known his darling little girl. Had planned on spending more time with her. But he’d never had the chance. The fault was his.

“Do you miss it?” he asked, shaking off the memories. “The travel? The going from place to place?”

“No,” Simon said easily. “I thought I would, but I’m happy here. I’ve found where I belong.” He shrugged. “I have the best of all worlds. My patients come to me. I’m with the woman I love in a town where I feel welcome.” He glanced at his friend. “I’m not like you, Alistair. I’ve never had a place to call home before now. Fool’s Gold gives me that and more.”

He put his brandy on the table by his chair and leaned forward. “The hospital has joined a network that stretches around the globe. They’re raising money together and will bring the neediest of patients here for surgery. I’m doing extraordinary work.” He paused. “I can always use another pair of hands.”

“Stay?”

“You might like it.”

Alistair hadn’t considered settling in one place. Not recently. Before Sara’s death, he’d always assumed one day he’d return to England and live in the village where he’d been born. But that day had never come. To stop traveling now felt like a dismissal of the woman he’d married. A rejection of the only thing she’d asked of him.

He recognized the fallacy of the argument. His desire to continue his work had nothing to do with his affection for his late wife and not finding a place to call home wouldn’t bring her or his daughter back. But telling himself that and believing it weren’t the same thing.

“I’m not ready,” he admitted, recognizing that eventually he would like to be in one place. Put down roots. Not in England, he thought. That would be uncomfortable. His young brothers were more connected to the title and the community there than he had ever been. Let one of them deal with all that went with being an earl.

“When you are, call me,” Simon told him. “I want the first shot at convincing you to move here.” He picked up his brandy. “Where are you off to next?”

“Australia. Sydney, then Melbourne. I’m giving several seminars in each location. From there, I’ll spend three months in Thailand. I haven’t decided where to go after that.”

Paige would enjoy Australia, he thought. While he was lecturing, she could explore the area. He would have days off where they could go places together.

He shook off the idea nearly as soon as it crossed his mind. Paige barely knew him. She had her own to destiny to fulfill. She wouldn’t want to be tied to someone like him when she could be free. Or was that just an excuse? A reason not have to face the bone-crushing guilt he carried with him?

Because the truth was that while he’d loved Sara, he’d never been in love with her.

He’d known how she had felt for years, had known she was waiting patiently for him to return. She had always been there. A part of his life in England. In truth, he’d secretly been pleased when she wouldn’t travel with him. He’d been able to go off and do what he wanted. Oh, there hadn’t been other women. He had no interest in cheating on her and had believed in the importance of honoring his wedding vows. Instead, he’d been able to take the dangerous assignments to the most interesting places. He’d often said he didn’t have a choice, but he did. He’d been gone more than he needed to be.

He could have been home when she died.

He’d taken on the extra work, had stayed longer than necessary. Because he hadn’t been ready to go back to the quiet village. Chatting with neighbors and setting up a home had seemed boring and unimportant. Now that he’d lost both, he knew he’d been wrong.

“You’re gone again,” Simon said quietly.

“I’m thinking about Sara.”

“Feeling guilty?”

Alistair stared at his friend. “How do you know?”

“I know you. You blame yourself for not being there. What you’re forgetting is that you couldn’t have stopped her from crossing that street.”

“I might have.”

“I doubt that. It was her time, Alistair.”

“An acceptance of fate?”

Simon shrugged. “Perhaps.” He raised his arm, the one covered with scars left by an abusive and destructive mother who had deliberately pushed her only child into a fire. “I believe things happen for a reason. Had I not been injured, I would never have studied medicine, never have become a surgeon. I wouldn’t have found my destiny.”

He smiled. “That sounds dramatic and I don’t mean it to.”

“It sounds honest,” Alistair told him. “I knew what I was supposed to do with my life as well. At an early age. Sara never understood how important my work was to me. She was content with the tiny sphere in which she lived.”

“You never were.”

“No.” He sipped his brandy. “The fault is mine. I shouldn’t have taken the easy way out, marrying her.”

“She was in love with you.”

“I took advantage of that.”

“You gave her what she wanted. She was happy.”

Alistair wasn’t so sure. “I could have done better. Been there for her more.”

“Then you wouldn’t have been the man she loved. Your remoteness was part of your appeal.”

Alistair raised his eyebrows. “Have you been reading women’s magazines, old man? Your insight is disconcerting.”

Simon laughed. “I have been blessed with the love of a woman who exceeds me at every turn. She surprises me and delights me.” He raised his glass. “I could never leave her.”

Alistair wasn’t surprised. While Simon had always been a caring individual, he’d kept that side of himself locked away. Few had known the gentle soul trapped behind the scarred and gruff exterior. He’d held himself apart from those around him—choosing a solitary existence over ever belonging.

Somehow Montana had changed that. She’d drawn him in and allowed him to express his true self. He was a different man now. Much like the infamous Ebenezer Scrooge, Simon had discovered the joy of loving life.

“You didn’t love Sara enough,” Simon said bluntly. “That is the crime for which you feel punishment is necessary. If you had loved her enough, you wouldn’t have left her behind. Or gone away yourself. Therefore, your lack of love is the reason she died.”

Alistair stared into his glass. “I preferred you before you could articulate what you were thinking.”

“That doesn’t change the truth.”

“I suppose not.”

Simon leaned toward him. “You don’t have as much power as you think. She still would have died. As there is no way to undo the past, what it comes down to is what will you do with the information now that you have it? Learn from it or continue to punish yourself?”

“Probably the latter.”

“Then you’re a fool.”

“I think we can both agree on that,” Alistair told him.

Knowing and accepting were not the same thing. He wanted to move on, but didn’t believe he had the right.

“How did you know about Montana?” he asked quietly.

Simon smiled. The scarred half of his face barely moved, but the rest of it curved into a happy, knowing grin.

“She allowed me to feel again,” he said simply. “She gave herself so fully, I couldn’t resist responding in kind. I wanted her from the first second I saw her, but what I didn’t realize was that I also loved her from that first moment. It took me a while to figure it all out. I nearly left her. What a mistake that would have been. Without her, there is nothing.”

A raw truth, Alistair thought, almost uncomfortable with his friend’s honesty. What would it be like to have someone like that? A woman he loved so much he couldn’t leave her?

The face that came into sharp relief wasn’t Sara’s. It was the face of the beautiful angel who had saved him.

On the surface, Paige was perfect. She wanted to travel, she was open and giving. He knew immediately what she had to offer any man lucky enough to steal her heart. But what about what she deserved? Could he forgive himself enough to give her all she needed? Or was the kindest act to simply walk away?