Читать книгу Contract Bride - Susan Fox, Susan Fox P. - Страница 7

LEAH WAVERLY entered the den, relieved to see that her husband of eleven months was standing at the patio door instead of working at his desk. With one hand braced on the door frame and the fingers of the other wedged in his front jeans’ pocket, Reece stared out broodingly at the lengthening shadows on the patio out back.

She knew he’d heard her nearly silent tread on the carpet because she’d seen the subtle ripple of tension in his wide shoulders. Yes, he’d been tense around her lately, but she’d also caught a hint of restlessness and what could only be dissatisfaction. Had he recovered enough from Rachel’s death to take a good long look at what they’d done?

The question had eaten at her for weeks and she could no longer bear her dread of the answer. Better to get it into the open, better to know for sure…

However carefully she worded this, Leah already knew that her husband’s response would never be the one she’d hoped for. Reece had buried his heart when he’d buried Rachel, and whatever heart he’d had left, he’d dedicated solely to his young son. There was nothing left for the plain woman he’d so suddenly married, and as the months had stretched on, Leah had become more certain of that by the day.

She knew Reece well enough to be sure he’d never ask for a divorce. Because he wouldn’t, it was up to her to offer it. She was certain he’d be relieved, and once she assured him she was willing to work out a peaceful arrangement to share custody of little Bobby, he’d be grateful to be able to get on with his life.

Though she’d known from the beginning this time would come, she’d had the foolish hope that Reece might develop some kind of affection for her. Male/ female friendships often deepened into love. Maybe not the intensely passionate kind that he’d shared with Rachel, but certainly the low-key, mutually caring kind.

And yet as time had gone on, Leah had been forced to realize there was simply nothing between them. There’d not been a single word of personal caring, never so much as a passing glance to misinterpret. She was certain now there never would be. She’d finally reached the conclusion that she loved Reece enough to want to see him happy again, even if his happiness would never be with her.

What she regretted with all her heart was that Bobby would grow up being shuttled back and forth between a father and adoptive mother who’d made such a foolish bargain. Though Reece had married her to protect the boy if something should unexpectedly happen to him as it had to Rachel, in hindsight it was obvious to Leah—and probably to Reece by now—that it would have been more prudent to wait.

But a man who’d been devastated by the sudden death of the woman he’d been wildly in love with, trusted more in cruel tragedies that struck out of the blue than he did in the more mundane and temporary events in life, at least for a time.

The fact that Leah had essentially taken advantage of Reece’s worries for her own selfish reasons was something she’d probably never forgive herself for. That’s why she had to do this for him. She wasn’t certain how much longer she could live with him anyway, because the heart-numbing distance between them was already too painful.

When Reece lowered his hand from the door frame and turned, Leah felt again the heavy ache of longing and love she’d secretly been tortured by for years.

Reece Waverly was a big man, over six foot tall with wide shoulders, muscle-thick arms and long, powerful legs. He’d showered before supper, and the clean jeans and white shirt he wore were still crisp. Perpetually somber and taciturn, his tanned, weather-creased skin made him look rugged and harsh. His bluntly masculine face was made even more dramatic by his dark eyes, black eyebrows, and the formidable set of his strong jaw. The thin slash of his lips carried a hint of ruthlessness Leah had never seen evidence of.

And yet the look of him now was worlds different in every way from the man he’d been when Rachel had been alive. He’d been a softer, less intimidating man, more given to smiles and teasing glances. He’d been more open, more apt to speak since he was a well-read, thinking man who enjoyed being sociable. He’d had a sense of humor and a masculine charm that was irresistible.

But Reece had been on top of the world then, completely in love with Rachel, and looking forward to the birth of their first child.

Leah so missed the man Reece had been—the man she’d felt such guilt for loving—almost as much as she missed Rachel.

A fresh wisp of heartache went through her, and she almost lost her nerve. She had to force herself to make a start.

“Is it still convenient for a talk?”

The dark eyes that had regarded her almost blindly for months were suddenly sharp on her face, and she felt the pressure of that sharpness as they examined every soft feature. But then his gaze met hers and she felt the probe of it go so deep that she got the alarming sense that he’d read her thoughts.

And maybe he had, because his somber expression appeared to harden.

“You don’t ever need an appointment, Leah. I told you that earlier.”

Leah brought her hands together primly at her waist, not really surprised that they were trembling. “You did,” she said gently, “but you looked deep in thought.”

His gaze narrowed the slightest bit. It was clear that he was alert to something in her face and in the way she held herself. Since she was stiff with tension and couldn’t stop the faint tremors of dread that passed through her in waves, it was no wonder he was taking a closer look.

His gruff, “Go ahead and have a seat,” was a relief, since she’d feel steadier sitting. Leah chose one of the wing chairs on his side of the room, and noted that he stayed standing where he was, his back to the patio doors and the rapidly darkening twilight.

As always, he kept himself remote from her. As always, she was careful not to trespass. Leah sank down and rested her elbows on the chair arms then laced her fingers together to let them dangle over her lap. She tried to collect her thoughts, but it was supremely hard to do.

Oh God, if she thought there could ever be a chance for Reece to care for her, she wouldn’t do this. But the utter deadness between them was proof enough that Reece would never feel anything for her. Leah made herself begin with something mild.

“You haven’t given your answer yet about going to Donovan Ranch for the barbecue next Saturday, so I thought I’d tell you that whatever you choose to do, I’ve decided to go.”

Leah saw a glimmer of something shoot through Reece’s gaze, and though wary of it, she managed to keep her voice casual and even.

“I’ve made arrangements for someone to take care of Bobby. Unless you’d like to have a day and an evening alone with him.”

Leah finished with, “If you decide to go, we could either use the sitter or take Bobby with us. There’ll be other children there, so he’d enjoy that.”

“When did you decide this?” The near growl in his low voice gave the clear impression of disapproval.

In all these months, Reece had never once questioned her judgment. He’d often asked her about decisions she’d made regarding the boy, but only to inform himself. He’d never remarked at all on decisions she’d made about her personal activities, so this was unusual.

She nervously tightened her fingers and spoke, careful to make her tone practical rather than critical. “When I reminded you about it last week, you didn’t seem interested.”

A breathless anxiety made a sweeping pass through her insides, and she took another small step toward the subject she meant to open.

“Since you and I aren’t…in the habit of doing things together, I didn’t think you’d mind if I decided to go. As I said, I’ve made arrangements for Bobby that you can control however you like, whatever you decide to do about Saturday.”

Reece’s somber expression had gone stony and Leah felt uneasy. She’d irritated him, but couldn’t for the life of her imagine why. Though Reece’s temper was legendary, he’d never given a single hint of turning it on her or his son. Informing him that she was going to a neighbor’s barbecue seemed too small a thing to provoke him.

And yet the strained silence hung between them and built. It helped a little to keep in mind that Reece was a good man and a fair one, who was as naturally decent as the day was long. She had nothing to fear from a man like him, no matter his temper. She couldn’t have agreed to their bargain, much less adored him for years, if she hadn’t known those things as absolute facts.

The real danger was that he’d somehow find out how much she loved him, and then either reject her feelings outright, or worse, pity her for having them.

“You haven’t got much out of our deal, have you?”

Reece’s question was jarringly direct and a signal that he might have guessed the real reason she’d wanted this talk. The growl in his voice had softened, though his stony expression hadn’t.

Leah sensed something, perhaps regret, perhaps guilt, but she automatically discounted that impression and considered it nothing more than wishful thinking. A longing heart would always see a banquet in a table crumb. Pride roared up to keep her from revealing even a hint of her true feelings.

“I’ve gotten exactly what I bargained to get,” she told him, then made her stiff lips relax a little into a smile. “And I have Bobby. Being able to love and raise him is more than enough.”

Leah tried not to blink at the half-lie in that last part. Though at twenty-four she’d never had more than a hasty kiss on the mouth once by a boy who’d done it to embarrass her, she had the same female longing for affection and intimate tenderness as any other woman, in spite of her inexperience.

“So you’re satisfied with the way it’s been.” Reece’s gravelly words were not a question, but a statement.

Leah caught the cynical gleam in his dark eyes and didn’t understand it. Or why he’d even think to remark on whether she’d been satisfied or not by the way things between them had gone.

The past eleven months had revolved around the boy, the ranch and the polite day-to-day cooperation between a stay at home wife who cared for a house and child, and a rancher who spent hours a day working outdoors or doing paperwork in the den. The emotional sterility between the two of them had been so heart-numbing that Leah often wondered if they were even friends.

“I’m…satisfied we’ve both done what we agreed to do.” Leah cringed inwardly at the small hesitation, but it was hard to face the relentlessness she suddenly sensed in Reece.

It was even harder to maintain eye contact with the dark eyes that seemed to flicker with perception when she was trying so hard to hide the truth, at least the most dangerous truth: her real feelings.

“I remember we talked about more than just protecting the boy when we started this,” he said then.

The reminder completely threw her. She recalled Reece’s remarks on that subject with distressing clarity. It had been in this very room at almost the same time of day that he’d made them.

It was the only time either of them had so much as hinted at the possibly of having other children. Or of personal needs, having sex in particular.

“I reckon sex will be part of this deal, since it’s a marriage,” he’d said, and it hurt to remember the bleak, almost grim look in his eyes, as if he was resigned to the task only because he saw it as a marital obligation.

“Won’t be likely for a time,” he’d gone on, glancing away from her before he’d added, “but we’ve both got needs.”

His low voice had trailed off and she’d got the impression that the thought of sex with any woman but Rachel was not only vaguely distasteful to him, but that he also couldn’t imagine that sex would ever again be something more than a biological function, perhaps to have more children, but mainly as a physical release.

At least he’d not insulted her obvious lack of desirability by rejecting the possibility of ever having sex with her. And because he’d also let her know that he was willing to have other children with her if she wanted them, he apparently hadn’t considered her an unworthy recipient of his seed.

Of course, eleven months had gone by and if Reece had ever had a “need”, she’d never known about it. Which only confirmed the idea that Reece felt so little for her that he didn’t think of her in terms of sex.

Reece’s gruff voice brought her back to the present. “You remember that, don’t you?”

His dark gaze shifted downward to flash quickly over her body. So quickly it seemed almost mechanical. As if it was expected that a man who’d brought up the subject of sex might at least make a cursory inspection to familiarize himself with the physical attributes of the woman he’d suggested it to.

Leah felt her cheeks go abnormally hot with a mix of feminine shame and very feminine indignation. Without so much as a single nonaccidental touch between them in all these months, and no hint of personal affection from Reece, sex was the last thing she’d consider. Particularly when the look he’d just given her had been so clearly obligatory. Not even she was so hungry for love that she’d allow herself to be so coldly used.

“I think we’ve moved past the point where the things we talked about that night might have made sense,” she said stiffly, just managing not to give in to the fiery hurt she’d sustained. “I think you’ve realized that too.”

Her heart was pounding so hard that she felt a little dizzy. Her refusal had set off sparks in Reece’s dark gaze and she felt a corresponding nettle of resentment. It took so, so much to keep her voice even and her words reasonable.

“Neither of us was thinking straight after Rachel died,” she told him. “Now that we’ve had these months to put things into a more moderate perspective, I think we both have doubts about going on together.”

There. She’d got it said and the world hadn’t come to an end. The minor softening of Reece’s stony expression had vanished, but he was still silent. She tried not to fidget while his dark eyes bore into hers like twin drills.

There was something in the way he stared over at her that compelled her to go on, something that suggested he needed to hear more to be convinced. Leah made a try at doing just that.

“As I said, we made the decision to marry at a time when we weren’t quite ourselves,” she said calmly, careful to keep her tone mild, though she couldn’t keep the tremor out of it. “Lately you’ve seemed…unhappy. In a different way than before, so I…thought it was time to discuss what might need to change, even though the change that probably seems most sensible is divorce.”

The booming silence that followed was as much a sudden assault on the room as a thunderclap would have been. It had impacted with such power that it was difficult, even in the aftermath, to decide if an actual clap of thunder had sounded around them, or if it had truly been a silent shockwave.

But maybe it had been an actual thunderclap, because the storm was suddenly visible in Reece’s harsh face. His dark eyes snapped with angry surprise, and the ruthless line of his mouth now seemed more promise than vague threat.

“Are you asking for a divorce?”

The blunt question wasn’t unexpected, but his gravelly tone of voice carried a steeliness that warned how rigidly he controlled himself. Leah felt her heart skip faster, and forced herself to shake her head.

“There’s a difference between asking for a divorce and offering one.”

The moment the words were out of her mouth she wondered why she’d put it that way. She should have simply answered “yes”. The huge tide of hurt and unhappiness that rose up added to her alarm and she mentally scrambled to show none of it.

Oh, God, don’t let him see, don’t ever let him find out…

“I’ve made the offer,” she said coolly, so relieved that her tone was calm and practical that she blundered into undermining her purpose even more. “What you do with it is up to you.”

She’d somehow stood to her feet without being fully aware of it until she felt the back of her knees brush the front of the chair. But whether her body had taken action to help her assert herself or to flee, she didn’t know. At least she could see that her more temperate answer to Reece’s question had gotten her message across just as clearly as a more definitive one.

Reece’s weather-tanned face was like a granite monolith. A ruddy flush she recognized as fury had crept into his lean cheeks, but she knew by his iron silence that he wouldn’t inflict it on her.

“I’ll look in on Bobby before I go to bed. Goodnight.”

Leah turned and moved around the chair to walk as normally as possible to the door then into the hall. Her knees were rubbery and her legs felt heavy and weak, but she managed to make a dignified exit.

She’d got the job done and except for that part near the end, she’d managed it fairly well. Though she might have delivered it all a bit less stiffly, she’d survived and Reece hadn’t guessed anything of her real feelings about either the divorce or him.

The need to spend time with Bobby was overwhelming, so she hurried down the hall to the bedroom end of the large, single-story ranch house. The child’s room was next to the master bedroom, and both rooms were linked by a connecting door.

Leah had never shared the master bedroom with Reece, much less shared his bed. He hadn’t offered and she’d certainly never asked. Given her pick of bedrooms, she’d chosen the one on the other side of Bobby’s. Reece had noted her choice and for her convenience, he’d had another connecting door put in the shared wall between her room and the baby’s.

As Leah slipped silently into Bobby’s room, the arrangement struck her as even more telling. At first, it had been understandable that she and Reece wouldn’t share a room or a bed, and she’d completely agreed. Rachel’s death had been too fresh and agonizing for them both, and it was scandalous enough that they’d married so soon after.

But as the months had gone by without so much as a hint of real closeness between them, Leah had reminded herself that she couldn’t reasonably expect more. Except for the baby, there was nothing between them but a marriage certificate and the same last name.

Reece had bargained for a woman to help raise his son and he’d wanted to settle a life that had been shattered by death and shock and upheaval. He’d also been determined to prevent his son from ever being raised and exploited by his maternal grandparents, if something should happen to him.

Leah had been a means to get an adoptive mother he trusted for his infant son and to keep his home life in order. He’d meant for Leah to be a fail-safe protection for Bobby if he was no longer around. He apparently hadn’t been thinking much about the wife he’d have to live with to get all that. And after what she’d sensed in him these past weeks, he’d surely awakened to the fact that having a wife had created almost as many problems for him as getting one had solved.

Bobby’s room was dimly lit, thanks to the ceramic puppy lamp she always left on. The house was so quiet that she could hear the child’s soft baby breaths almost from the moment she walked into the room.

She crossed to the baby bed and looked down blurrily into the sweet face of the sleeping child. His dark silky hair lay in charming disarray, and his long, black lashes fanned out thickly on chubby, sleep-flushed cheeks.

Leah put out a hand to tenderly touch his open fingers, marveling at his beauty, her heart breaking with love. She couldn’t love this baby more if she’d given birth to him herself. There was nothing she wouldn’t do for him. Not even the love she felt for Reece was as powerful as the love she felt for this dark-haired cherub.

Eventually, she eased the light blanket higher on his chest and turned to go to her room. She left the door between her room and his partway open, as always, so she could hear in case he woke up during the night.

As Leah began to get ready for bed a dozen doubts about her talk with Reece began to pick at her sense of accomplishment, but the important thing was that she’d got the subject into the open.

As a successful rancher and businessman, Reece was comfortable making decisions, and he’d learned better than most how to quickly determine and evaluate all the facts of a situation, and then to identify his options. His decision to marry her was probably the only truly bad decision of his adult life. And that had only happened because he’d been blinded by grief over Rachel and worry about his infant son’s future.

Deciding to divorce her wouldn’t require much thought. For Reece, it wouldn’t be a “yes” or “no” answer as much as it would be a “how soon?” one. He’d probably reached his decision before she’d gotten a handful of steps down the hall from the den.

Her obligation had been to put the subject before him and to signal her permission and approval. He’d probably confirm his decision to divorce her first thing in the morning at breakfast. After that, the only wrangling there’d ever be between them—over Bobby—would begin.

And even that was nothing to lie awake and fret about. Leah had been the baby’s main caregiver, and she’d naturally be responsible for the majority of his care, at least while he was so young. The rest they could work out as Bobby got older.

She had no fear that Reece would somehow banish her from Bobby’s life, particularly since part of protecting Bobby had meant that Leah had had to adopt him. She had as many parental rights as Reece did, and since they were both mindful of Bobby’s best interests, they would both play major parts in the boy’s life whether they stayed married or not.

As she lay in the dark, her sense of accomplishment and relief slowly gave way to a heavy heart. What she’d done tonight had virtually sealed the death of her fondest, most impossible dream. Though it had taken a secretly agonizing eleven months to finally kill it, what she’d done by offering Reece a divorce was to acknowledge that the dream of openly loving him and being loved by him was well and truly lost.

And it was only right that she would never see that dream fulfilled. She’d fallen in love with Reece years ago, long before he’d ever dated her best friend, but she hadn’t been able to stop loving him, not even when he’d married Rachel. She’d suffered tremendous guilt over that, but never enough to overcome her feelings.

Then she’d compounded the wrong of being in love with a married man by grabbing the chance to marry him after he’d been widowed, at perhaps the only time in his life that he’d ever been vulnerable. The guilt and heartache she’d suffered and might continue to suffer over her selfish feelings for her best friend’s husband, were fitting punishments that she accepted.

At least Rachel had never suspected. Hopefully Reece would never find out, either.

Leah turned onto her side and stared into the dark for a long time. She must have dropped off to sleep sometime before it got too late, because she never heard Reece’s bootsteps as she usually did when he passed her room on the way to his own.