Читать книгу Glamorous Powers - Susan Howatch - Страница 54

I dreamt about Hilda that night. In my dream she was committing suicide by hanging herself, but I was bound hand and foot, unable to save her. She was hanging herself on the gallows of the prison where I had worked as a chaplain, and as I watched the body twitching on the end of the rope I realized that I was lying in a pool of blood.

‘You look a trifle pale,’ said Francis when I returned to his room the following afternoon. ‘I was sorry to see when I passed your door at three o’clock this morning that your light was on.’

‘Why were you spying on me at three this morning?’

‘Why should you automatically assume I was spying on you? What vanity! As it happens, I was summoned to the infirmary to attend to my poor little novice who hears voices. I’m afraid his place is in a hospital, not a monastery.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘It was a salutary reminder that ninety-nine-point-nine percent of the people who hear voices and see visions are mentally ill. Now,’ said Francis, having tested the rack and found it in good working order, ‘let’s return to the subject of your past. We’d established that your marriage was a nightmare –’

‘It was not a nightmare! It simply had difficult aspects!’

‘Were you faithful to her?’

‘Of course I was faithful to her! How could I have gone on as a priest if I’d committed adultery?’

‘Was she faithful to you?’

‘Yes, she loved me.’

‘Even after you ran away to sea? It sounds to me as if she was either mad or mesmerized. Were you abusing your psychic powers to keep her under control?’

‘Certainly not, and if you hadn’t known me during the most shameful period of my life it would never have occurred to you to ask such an obscene question! After my call to the priesthood no woman ever played Trilby to my Svengali – and anyway there was no need for me to play Svengali to ensure Betty’s devotion. She loved me almost too much as it was.’

Francis at once made a note. I tried to read it but could only decipher the words ‘unreciprocated love’ and ‘additional strain’.

I said: ‘I think you’ve still got quite the wrong impression of my marriage.’

‘Have I? Then before you start getting upset all over again let’s now leave the subject of your marriage and examine your life as a widower.’ Opening my file he turned to the page he had already marked. ‘I’m going to read you another passage from James’ notes,’ he said. ‘The dear old boy writes:

‘“Today Jon made a full confession prior to his entry into our house tomorrow. I must admit I was privately shocked and saddened that he should have drifted so deeply into error, but I remain certain that life in the Order will solve this problem of his by preserving him from temptation, and my original opinion that he will make a good monk remains unchanged.”’ Francis closed the file and waited but when I remained silent he said not unkindly: ‘Jonathan, I promise I shan’t be censorious. You confessed these sins to James, he gave you absolution and from a spiritual point of view the matter’s closed. I only raise the subject now because I want to see how far your difficulties as a widower contributed to your desire to be a monk.’

‘Yes, Father.’ I tried to pull myself together. ‘I’m sorry,’ I said. ‘If I hesitate it’s because I’m still ashamed, even now, that I failed to live as a priest should.’

‘I can quite see how difficult it must have been for you. You were accustomed to an intense intimate relationship and you were in a state of spiritual weakness after years of a divided life … Did you never consider remarriage?’

‘Never. I did try hard to avoid women and for most of the time I succeeded. But at the end …’ I fell silent again.

‘Yes?’ said Francis. ‘What happened at the end?’

‘I met this woman. It was 1923 but I didn’t know when I met her that I was going to be able to enter the Order later in the year. I thought I was going to have to support Martin up at Cambridge. If I’d known he had no intention of going I might have resisted the temptation, but as it was … I felt I couldn’t bear my unhappiness any longer.’

‘But you’d had mistresses before 1923, surely?’

‘I wouldn’t call them mistresses. There were incidents during the War when I was on my own somewhere a long way from home. But Hilda … That was quite different. She did voluntary work for a charity which aided discharged prisoners. I met her when I was calling at the home of a prisoner who’d just been freed and she was there too, visiting the wife and children … We were both immediately attracted. Chastity soon became quite impossible.’

‘Did you ask her to marry you?’

‘No, I told her from the beginning that I was only marking time until I could be a monk. But of course she never believed I’d go through with it.’

‘How did you eventually extricate yourself?’

‘I … No, I really can’t describe the ghastliness of it all except to say that she threatened suicide and I nearly died of guilt. I hadn’t hated myself so much since that poor girl died up at Cambridge.’

Francis printed: ‘GUILT. HATES HIMSELF’ on his sheet of foolscap and said without expression: ‘Did she in fact commit suicide?’

‘No.’ I wiped the sweat from my forehead. ‘She married someone else eventually.’

‘And during this agonizing time did it not once occur to you, not once, that you might give up all thought of being a monk and marry this woman?’

‘Oh no,’ I said. The affair with Hilda confirmed what I already knew: that I couldn’t stay in the world and remain a good priest. My only hope of fulfilling my vocation lay in entering a monastery.’

‘Obviously your call was very strong but a satisfactory intimate relationship is no mean driving force either. I’d have thought –’

‘Marriage was an impossible dream,’ I said impatiently. ‘I could never have borne the burden.’

Francis’ pen paused in mid-sentence. ‘Burden?’

‘The burden of guilt that I’d married despite my knowledge that I was unsuited to married life.’ Unable to look at him I glanced around the room until my gaze rested once more on the clock. The temptation to reduce my tension by projecting it in a stream of power from the psyche was very strong.

‘But you’ve just admitted that you nearly died of guilt when you jilted her,’ Francis was saying. ‘Are you now implying –’

‘Yes. The guilt would have been even worse if I’d married her. I chose the lesser of two evils.’

‘How far were you able to set down the burden of all this guilt when you entered the Order?’

‘The relief was instantaneous. I was finally at peace after years of torment.’

‘How very odd! I wouldn’t have thought that merely walking through the door of the Grantchester house would have made so much difference – in fact surely your problems were only exacerbated when you wound up in such a mess as a postulant?’

‘I agree I got in a mess and was miserable, but it was a different kind of mess and a different kind of misery. Grantchester was quite the wrong house for me, of course – but not, as I thought at the time in my arrogance, because it was spiritually slack. It wasn’t, not then; James ran the place well enough in his own mild idiosyncratic way until old age made him lose his grip, but I was beyond being helped by a mild idiosyncratic rule. I needed the austerity of Ruydale, and Father Darcy realized that as soon as he met me.’

‘So once you met Father Darcy –’

‘I was happy.’

‘Even when he followed that first meeting by flogging you in the London punishment cell?’

I stopped staring at the clock and swivelled to face him. ‘Nobody enjoys being flogged!’

‘No?’ said Francis. ‘I rather thought that according to modern psychology some people do.’

I finally lost patience with him. ‘Can we forget the modern psychology for a moment and concentrate on the spiritual dimensions of what was going on? The flogging was necessary because I was so deeply sunk in pride that I was unable to learn humility and obedience in any other way – I was being forcibly turned around and redirected along the correct spiritual path. But once that had been done I was set free to realize my full ability to serve God at last – and that’s why I can say with truth that an enduring happiness only began for me when I met Father Darcy.’

‘And your happiness continued when he kicked you north to Ruydale, the toughest house in the Order – are you sure you don’t enjoy suffering, Jonathan?’

‘Is that another of the witty remarks which I’m supposed to find amusing? I can’t tell you how irritated I’m becoming by your psycho-analytical poses – shouldn’t you now pause to remind yourself that you’re a priest and not a Harley Street quack? If you did you’d have no trouble understanding that the suffering I had to endure – endure, not enjoy – was a necessary part of my development into a good monk, and I endured it – endured it – because my call to be a good monk was so strong.’

‘Yet now you have what is apparently an equally strong call to stop being a good monk – and why, Jonathan, why? Has your life at Grantchester become too soft and easy for you? Do you think you’d suffer more if you went out into the world?’

‘You’re being deeply offensive. I absolutely deny –’

‘Save your breath. Come back at four o’clock tomorrow and – hullo, the clock’s stopped! Ah yes, of course – I forgot to wind it this morning.’ Francis rose to his feet, moved to the fireplace and produced a key from a china vase on the mantelshelf. Then he looked back at me over his shoulder. ‘What are you waiting for?’ he demanded. ‘You’re dismissed.’

Retiring to the chapel I futilely tried to pray.