Читать книгу Mystical Paths - Susan Howatch - Страница 33

In my rational moments, as I’ve already noted, I wasn’t attracted to underweight women who looked fragile enough to break during intercourse. But this was not one of my rational moments. The obsession to achieve a healing had unplugged my brain.

She didn’t break during intercourse. It was afterwards that she went to pieces.

As soon as she could speak she said in a shaking voice: ‘You’re not standing in for Christian at all. You couldn’t. You’re quite different.’

‘It’s okay, Katie, it’s okay –’

But of course it wasn’t.

‘I never realised how different it could be – I thought all men made love in the same way.’

‘Look, don’t be upset, I –’

‘I’ve betrayed him. And you’ve betrayed me!’

‘No, no – honestly – just think of it as a kind of therapy –’

‘Therapy? My God, how utterly revolting!’

‘But Katie, I didn’t mean –’

‘You’ve deliberately taken advantage of my grief – you’ve cold-bloodedly exploited me –’

‘But all I wanted to do was help you!’

‘You think that could help? You deceived me into thinking you could stand in for Christian and then raped me when I was in no fit state to fight you off!’

‘It couldn’t have been rape. Raped women don’t have orgasms.’

She hit me. I gasped. ‘Katie, for God’s sake –’ She hit me again. ‘Get away from me!’ she said revolted. ‘Never come near me again! I hate you, I hate you, I HATE YOU –’

I grabbed my clothes and fled.

In my sitting-room I found I couldn’t recite the Jesus prayer to calm me down, couldn’t even remember it. I buttoned my shirt wrong, nearly fell over as I pulled on my jeans, and all the while I was becoming aware that the room was a shambles, the fallen chairs and smashed glass creating the impression of a violated space. The chilly air had a peculiarly desolate quality, and as I shuddered I at last remembered the mantra.

‘Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner …’

Never had the prayer seemed more appropriate.

In the bedroom Katie began to scream for Marina.

I shuddered again and knew I was in hell.