Читать книгу Fierce Joy - Susie Caldwell Rinehart - Страница 15

The Opposite of Joy is Perfectionism

We are born with only two fears: the fears of falling and of loud noises. As we grow, our fears grow too. We worry about what we might lose instead of what we might gain. We don’t think of ourselves as perfectionists, but we’re scared to try things that don’t guarantee us a positive outcome. As Brené Brown writes in Dare to Lead, “Healthy striving is self-focused. How can I improve? Perfectionism is other-focused: What will people think? Perfectionism is a hustle.” The good news is that once we identify our kind of perfectionism, and see it as a lousy shield between us and the world, we can drop it. It helps to remember that our innate selves are brave. When we take risks, we actually start to feel more like ourselves.

To stem the tide of perfectionism and the anxious feelings that go with it:

• Remember when you were ten years old. What did you love to do? Let those memories inform your true comfort zone and develop a mindset of being born brave.

• Flip (off) the inner critic. By flipping each negative thought to a positive one, we can catch those unkind thoughts faster, recover quicker, and spin out less often. “I’m not doing enough” becomes “I am enough.” “My body is too heavy” becomes “My thoughts are heavy; I am light.”

• Make risk-taking so normal, it is boring. Take risks early and often. Take your writing public. Say no to someone powerful. Try a new skill. Share your true feelings about something. Face conflict. Notice how the ground doesn’t fall away.

• Feel the fear and do it anyway. I believe that we are capable of so much more than we think. But we’re scared as sh** sometimes. Fear is just part of the process of doing something new. We need to feel it, drop stories attached to it, and step through it.

• Notice how far you’ve come, not where everyone else is standing. A life of comparing and competing has consequences. Instead of making us stronger, it can cause us to feel anxious. I love when writer Anne Lamott says, “Never compare your insides with everyone else’s outsides.” Take the long view; trust that you are exactly where you need to be now, becoming who you are meant to be, at your own pace.

• Keep a record of moments when you survived discomfort. Maybe you remember the soreness you felt when you first got braces. Or the devastation you felt when your first love dissolved. Return to what helped you get through tough times to remember your inner resiliency.

• Build a community that celebrates progress, not perfectionism. Ask yourself, then your colleagues and friends, “Where did you make progress today?” instead of “What did you get done today?” Host “no-talent” shows and “story slams,” where people are invited to share stories that don’t leave out the struggle and failure. Celebrate persistence, vulnerability, and contributions to the common good, not merely accomplishments.