Читать книгу The Night We Met - Tara Quinn Taylor - Страница 5

January, 1968

San Francisco, California

Life started the night we met. Everything before this was merely preparation for what was yet to come. It was a Saturday evening and I’d gone to a local pub just down the street from St. Catherine’s Convent. I’d been living in a private dormitory at the convent for a couple of years, studying education at the small elite women’s college a block away—and was just two weeks from becoming a St. Catherine’s postulant and beginning my life of poverty, chastity and obedience. The San Francisco pub wasn’t a place I frequented often, but that January night I needed the noise, the distraction, as much as I wanted the beer that I would drink only until it got me past the unexpected tension I felt that night.

After all, I had prayers and then Mass with the sisters early the next morning, followed by religious study.

At a little table some distance from the shiny mahogany wood bar, I sipped my beer, watched merrymakers and pool-players, and contemplated the fact that I didn’t belong anywhere.

Not on a date. Or at home watching television with my family. Not out with friends, not in a library studying and certainly not on the completely empty dance floor in front of me.

I was an in-between, having left behind the person my parents, siblings and friends, knew me to be. And yet I hadn’t arrived at who I was going to become. The friends I’d known were getting married, having babies, exploring the world and its opportunities while I was living on the outskirts of a society I was on the verge of joining. I had three years of religious study ahead of me before I’d be allowed to take my final vows and become one of the sisters with whom I’d soon be living.

Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t sitting there feeling sorry for myself. I’m far too practical and stubborn and determined to waste my time on such a defeatist emotion. I was simply taking my life into my own hands even as I gave it to God. Trying to understand the reasons for my decisions. Testing them. Making sure. Soul-searching, some folks might call it.

For that hour or two, I’d left my dormitory room at the convent and all that was now familiar to me, left the sisters and their gentle care, to enter a harsher world of sin and merriment and ordinary social living to seek the truth about me.

Was my choice to wed myself to God, to serve him for the rest of my days, the right one for me, Eliza Crowley, nineteen-year-old youngest child of James and Viola Crowley?

A woman’s laugh distracted me from my thoughts. A young blond beauty settled at the recently vacated table next to me with a man good-looking enough to star in cigarette commercials. They held hands as they sat, leaning in to kiss each other, not once but twice. Open-mouthed kisses. The girl wasn’t much older than me, but she had a diamond on her finger whose karat weight was probably triple that in my mother’s thirtieth-anniversary band.

I couldn’t imagine any of that for myself. Not the hand-holding. The kissing. And certainly not the diamond. They were all fine and good and valid for some lives. Just too far removed from me to seem real.

As I drank my beer, I saw an older woman sitting at the bar. I had no idea when she’d come in. The place was crowded, the seats at my table the only free ones on the floor, but I’d pretty much noticed everyone coming and going. Except for this woman.

Had she appeared from the back room? Was she working there? Maybe a cook? She held her cigarette with her left hand. There was no ring.

Judging by the wrinkles and spots on that hand, I figured she had to be at least sixty.

Had she always lived alone?

Could I?

I pictured the house I might have—a single woman by myself. It would be white with aluminum siding, and a picket fence and flowers. I was inside, having dinner, I thought. A salad, maybe. I’d worked that day. I’m not sure where, but I assumed I’d be a teacher. I was patient enough. And I liked kids.

And the whole vision felt as flat as the tile floor beneath my feet. There was nothing wrong with that life. It just wasn’t mine.

I imagined being my sister, my mother. I loved them, admired them—and experienced no excitement, no sense of connection, when I considered their choices for myself. I pictured myself as Gloria Steinem. I had courage and determination. Perhaps there was some contribution I was supposed to make to the world, some discovery or mission.

But I didn’t think so. There was no fire, no zeal at the thought. Rather than change the world, I felt compelled to care for those who lived in it.

What about that woman over there at the bar, surrounded by people yet talking to no one, lighting up another cigarette. Was there something I could do to help her? Comfort her?

I didn’t know, but if she asked for help I’d give it. Regardless of any discomfort. I was here to serve.

I wanted to be God’s servant, ready for Him to send where He needed, when He needed.

Joan of Arc wasn’t my heroine. Mother Theresa was.

I’d made the right choice.

Satisfied, relaxed, I reveled in my quieted mind and a few minutes later I was ready to leave the half mug of beer on the table and head back to St. Catherine’s. I planned to write about tonight in my journal, chronicling for later years these moments of reflection and self-revelation. I was mentally titling the page The night I knew for sure.

I just had to find the waitress so I could pay my bill. Good luck doing that, since the bar was so crowded. I couldn’t even catch a glimpse of her. How much did a beer cost in this place? Surely fifty cents would do it, plus tip. I’d shoved a few bills in the front pocket of my blue jeans.

“Hey, don’t I know you?”

I started to tell the blond guy standing at my table that the line was wasted on me, but then I recognized him.

“You’re Patricia Ingalls’s older brother, Arnold.” My reply was pretty friendly to make up for thinking he was hitting on me.

“Right,” he said, smiling. “And you’re that friend of hers who decided to become a nun.”

Not quite how I would’ve said it, but…okay. He was, after all, correct. “Yep.”

“My friends and I just drove in from skiing at Tahoe—and this is the only table left with seats. Mind if we join you?”

I fully intended to tell him he could have the table. I was leaving, anyway. And then I noticed the guy who’d joined the group, pocketing a set of keys. Arnold was older than Patricia and me by four years. This guy was even older.

It wasn’t his age that froze my tongue, though. I’m not really sure what it was. He looked at me and I couldn’t move.

And somehow, five minutes later, I found myself sitting at a table sipping beer with five athletic-looking older men.

And buzzing with nervousness because of the man right next to me—Nate Grady, Arnold had said, adding that Nate was staying sober so he could drive, which explained the keys.

Was I drawn toward him as a woman is to a man? I didn’t think so. Not that I knew much about such things. It was just that he was so…vital.

I couldn’t understand my reaction so, really, had no explanation for it.

“When’d you quit the convent?” Arnold asked after the beer had been served.

“I didn’t.” My eyes shied away from any contact with Nate as I replied—and my entire body suffused with guilty heat. For a second there, I’d wanted to deny my association with the church. With my calling.

Like Peter? Who later redeemed himself?

Or Judas—who never did?

“No kidding!” Nate’s deep voice was distinctive, his words clear in the room’s din. “You’re a nun?”

He’d been a minute or two behind, parking the car, when Arnold had mentioned it earlier.

“Not yet,” I assured him as though there was still time to stop the course of my life if need be—and at the same time shrinking inside, preparing to be struck down for my heresy.

“I’ve been living at St. Catherine’s dormitory for the past couple of years, but in two weeks I move into the convent itself and start my formal training,” I added to appease any anger I might have instilled in God, directing my comment to Nate without actually looking at him. “It takes three years to get through the novitiate.”

“You live with the nuns?” That voice came again, touching me deep inside.

“I live in a dormitory on the grounds, yes.”

“Dressed like that?”

“Not around the convent, no.” I didn’t describe the plain brown dress I usually wore. Not understanding why his presence was like a magnet to me, I wasn’t going to engage in conversation with him at all if I could help it. I tried to focus on Arnold and the other guys as they relived, with exaggerated detail I was sure, antics from their day, each trying to top the other with tales of daring attempts or perilous danger survived.

But frankly, I found their accounts boring. I kept thinking about paying my bill and excusing myself. Our waitress passed, laden with drinks and I told myself I’d flag her down next time.

“Do you spend your days with the nuns?”

I shook my head, alternating between wishing I’d bothered with makeup or a hairstyle and feeling glad that I hadn’t. Men liked blond bobs, not the straight brown wash-and-wear stuff that was cut just above my shoulders.

There was safety in mousy.

And in another six months when, God willing, I became a novice and received the Holy Habit, minus the wimple I’d be honored with when I took my final vows, my hair would be cut as short as my father’s.

“What kind of order is St. Catherine’s?”

Why wasn’t he joining in the boasting with his friends?

“Teaching. Other than those who run the household, the sisters hold teaching positions, either at the private college I attend or at Eastside Catholic High School right next to it.”

I didn’t see how he could possibly be interested in this. And wasn’t even sure he’d be able to hear me above the crowd.

“So that’s what you want to do? Teach?”

“I want to serve God. Since the Second Vatican Council there’s been a surge of energy directed toward education. And I love kids. So, yes, I do hope to spend my life teaching.” Instinctively I turned to face him as I spoke. And couldn’t look away. He had the bluest eyes I’d ever seen. And possibly the warmest.

“How old are you? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“Nineteen.”

He leaned a bit closer, not disrespectfully, I somehow knew, but simply to ease conversation.

“Do you have any idea how lucky you are to know your calling in life at such a young age?”

The question reminded me of my reason for being in the pub at all—potentially the last time I’d enter such an establishment. “Yes,” I told him, remembering the conclusions I’d drawn only a half hour before. And the resulting peace that had settled over me.

A peace I couldn’t feel quite as intensely anymore…

“So what happens next week? Do you quit school?”

“No. I only have a few more classes to take before I get my degree and I can attend those during my postulant period. That’s what I begin in two weeks.”

“How’s that different from what you’re doing now?”

I could hear Arnold on my other side, delineating in great detail a downhill run he’d made that day.

“I’ll be moving into the Mother House—the main house where the nuns live. Other than classes, I’ll be pretty much restricted to living there. My day will start at 5:00 a.m. and end at 10:00 p.m. I’ll have a uniform, mostly black, with a veil but no wimple, and my only possessions, besides my rosary and hygienic necessities, will be a sewing kit. Except for grace, meals will be taken in silence, and most general conversation will be limited to designated free time during the day. In another six months, when I become a novice, I’ll read only religious books, and will have no access to radio, television or newspapers so that I can focus completely on prayer, meditation and spirituality.”

He’d asked. But I think I answered as much for me as for him. Hearing myself say the words out loud made them real. Official. I was prepared. And unafraid.

“And you’re doing this because you want to?”

There was no derision or criticism in his tone—just honest curiosity that spoke to my heart. “I can’t imagine doing anything else,” I told him with a certainty born earlier that evening.

“What does your family think of it all?”

“I’m the youngest of five and my folks have been shaking their heads at me for as long as I can remember.” I smiled. “Mostly they approve. They’ve already got sixteen grandchildren. And they’re devout Catholics. They’re proud that one of their offspring is dedicating her life to God’s service.”

“But you don’t feel they’re pressuring you to go through with it?”

“Not at all.” That I knew for sure because we’d talked about it. Several times. “They want me to have a decent, productive life doing something that makes me happy.”

“You’re very lucky.”

I almost didn’t hear him. I considered letting that be the end of the strange conversation that had sprung up from nothing. But as I thought about what he’d said, I knew I couldn’t just get up and leave.

“You don’t think your parents want the same thing for you?” I couldn’t believe I was asking such a personal question of a total stranger.

“Probably.”

The response left a lot unsaid, but I wasn’t forward enough to press further.

“What do you do?” I asked instead, with a genuine desire to know. Nate Grady, as a member of the human race, intrigued me.

“I manage a ski resort in Boulder, Colorado.”

“What about in the summer?”

“We have camp activities for kids, hiking for adults.”

“So how did you meet Arnold?”

“My kid brother and Arnold were part of a ski team training for the junior Olympics several years ago and stayed in touch. After high school, Keith enlisted, said it was the only way he’d ever get a degree. I offered to help him pay for college, but he wouldn’t let me. His unit was deployed to Vietnam almost as soon as he got out of boot camp and two years ago, we got word that he’d been killed. A couple of weeks later, his remains were sent home for burial.” He paused, and when he resumed speaking, his voice was slow and measured. “Arnold and I have this sort of unspoken agreement to fill some of the gaps left by Keith’s loss, so we go skiing together a few times every year.”

The words could have hung like lead between the strangers we were, but they didn’t. Nate’s openness disarmed me. I had a feeling he wouldn’t have been so forthcoming with other people—and that he was hiding a lot more pain than he was showing. “I’m so sorry.”

“Me, too,” he said. He lowered his head, hands resting on the table on either side of his soda water. Neither of us had touched our drinks since he’d first spoken to me.

“He was a good kid,” Nate continued. “Far too young to die.”

“Did you see him after he left?” I wondered if that might make a difference.

“No. But he wrote every week. I wrote back, but based on the things he said in his letters, I don’t think he ever got mine.” My heart hurt hearing those words.

“Do you know what happened?”

Nate shook his head. “Just that he died honorably, and in battle. I have no idea where he was or what the battle was about.”

That was true for so much of this war that had been troubling our nation for too many years now.

“What are you two talking about that’s so all-fired serious?” Arnold shouted across the table, draining the last beer from his bottle. “Don’t forget, man, she’s a nun.”

Nate switched gears to jest with his friends, and I smiled as the others teased him about an ego so big he thought he could get a nun, even laughed out loud when he joked back. And I felt like some kind of freak, missing half a body. It was time for me to go.

“The piano’s calling, buddy!” Arnold said as he grabbed the second bottle of beer he’d ordered, not that I was counting. Nate stood and Arnold leaned toward me. “Nate plays here most Saturday nights when he’s in town. Wait till you hear him.”

I watched the six-foot-tall, perfectly proportioned, athletic man stroll to the piano, watched him wave as a couple of people called out to him. Watched his face break into an odd, almost peaceful smile. Even getting up to perform, there was nothing pretentious about Nate Grady.

And as he sat down, placed strong-looking fingers on the keys, I knew I couldn’t leave yet. I’d be in trouble if I missed my ten o’clock curfew, but it was only a little past eight.

The first notes were muffled by the crowd, but by the time he’d reached his second stanza, the noise had stopped as everyone turned to listen. Nate played everything from current hits and love ballads to the big band forties songs I’d heard from my parents growing up. And he sang—in a voice so rich and deep I felt as though God was in every note.

I told myself I’d stay for one set. Long enough to tell him I thought he was wonderfully talented and to thank him for playing. I paid my bill so I’d be ready to go as soon as he finished. I still had time.

He broke into a rowdy rendition of “Great Balls of Fire” and before I knew it, I was laughing and cheering with the rest of the crowd. The break was good for me. And I loved the song. It had just hit number one, not that I’d ever really followed the pop charts. But that week I seemed to be more aware of everything worldly around me—maybe because I was looking at it all with an eye to leaving it behind.

After announcing a short break, Nate came back to the table. Words of goodbye were forming on my lips. Someone had borrowed the chair he’d been using, but then he found another one and pulled it up next to mine. I couldn’t just leave.

The guys were placing bets on which of the three jerks who’d been talking up a sweet young thing at the ski resort had won her favors for that night.

“She went home with her sister,” Nate said dryly. “I saw them go.”

“How d’you know she was her sister?” Arnold challenged in a good-natured way.

“She told me. She’s getting married next week, and she and her sister, who’s her maid of honor, went to Tahoe for a couple of days. It’s their last time together as just the two of them.”

Arnold and his pals were distracted when the waitress reappeared.

“Were you trying to get her to go out with you?” I asked Nate. My gall shocked me.

“I asked her if she was going to be all right leaving with those guys making such asses of themselves,” he said just loudly enough for me to hear.

“Oh. That was a nice thing to do.”

“It’s habit. Girls skiing without a male escort seem to attract the worst kind of male attention.”

He should know; he managed a ski resort. I couldn’t help wondering how many managers watched out for the girls, and how many hit on them. More the latter, I expected.

A few minutes later, Nate excused himself to play again. Before he left, he asked if I’d be there during his next break. Without glancing at my watch, I nodded. I had about an hour.

The crowd slowly quieted as Nate played that second set, thinning out some, but not much. Couples swayed together on the dance floor. Chairs circled the piano. And then, just after nine-thirty, as Nate struck a new chord, he looked straight at me.

And started to sing.

“My Cup Runneth Over.” He sang the whole song directly to me.

It didn’t mean anything. How could it? We’d just met. He’d never seen me in the morning. Or any other time of day, for that matter.

And never would.

Still, I listened to every cadence, every lilt and syllable, and knew that this was a night I’d never forget.

“I have to go,” I said, standing to put on my serviceable short black coat as he made his way back to the table. “I don’t want to miss my curfew.”

“I’ll see you later,” Nate told his friends, standing behind me. I wasn’t sure what was going on until he followed me outside.

Nate walked me home. The couple of blocks had seemed insignificant when I’d traversed them with crowds of people earlier that evening. Now the quiet stretch of road, cloaked in the darkness of night, seemed far too intimate.

Nate kept a respectful distance, his jacketed arm not even bumping into mine.

“The guys told me about this cliff you skied today,” I began. “They said you’d have won a medal if you’d been in the Olympics.”

“In case you haven’t figured it out, they exaggerate.”

“But not many skiers make it over that particular drop-off upright, or so I hear.”

“Plenty do. And plenty fall, too.”

“How’d it feel, to be flying in the air like that? Were you scared?” I’d had butterflies in my stomach listening to Arnold talk about it.

“Truthfully?” He glanced down at me.

“Yeah.”

“Anyone else would probably figure I’m crazy, but I have a feeling you’re going to understand this. As soon as I started that run, I was so busy being aware of the wind gliding by—almost as though it was holding me up—and the crisp cold against my face, I didn’t even think about landing until it happened. And then it was like any other slope. You do what you have to do to stay on your feet.”

What he’d just described sounded like a moment of pure, spiritual bliss. Such intense involvement in the here-and-now that you were actually taken beyond it.

I’d petitioned to join a convent so I could learn how to have moments like that. There was something about this man, something deeper than anything I’d encountered in normal life, that was reaching out to me.

Almost as if he had answers to some of the mysteries I so desperately wanted to solve. Subconscious answers, maybe. But had them, just the same.

“I’ve enjoyed talking with you, Eliza Crowley,” he said as we arrived at the heavy iron gate in front of St. Catherine’s.

“And I’m glad I met you, Nate Grady.” There didn’t seem to be much harm in admitting that. I was never going to see him again.

“My flight back to Boulder leaves tomorrow evening,” he said unexpectedly as I slipped through the gate and shut it behind me. “Any chance you could get away before then? Maybe we could take a walk.”

Looking at him through the iron bars, all I could get out was, “I…”

“I’m sure you’re on a pretty rigid schedule.” He seemed to take pity on me. “It’s okay if you can’t. I won’t be offended.”

“I’m…I have…an hour free after lunch.” I finally stumbled over the words. Who on earth was this woman uttering them? “We could meet down at the corner and walk through the gardens.”

They weren’t owned or tended by the sisters of St. Catherine’s, but because the city park was so close, many of the sisters went there. I’d be in plain sight. Protected.

This could in no way be considered a date.

And until I moved out of college student housing into the main house, I was free to come and go. Curfew aside, of course.

“Great,” he said. “What time?”

“One?”

“I’ll be there.”

I spent the next two hours lying awake in the long room I shared with seven other college students—three of them, like me, soon to be postulants—my nerves buzzing with energy and life. And with guilt…Going to that bar had been so completely out of character for me. And everything that had followed even more so.

My favorite fictional heroin flashed into my mind, a woman whose inner strength and sense of right and wrong had always spoken to me. My mother had read Jane Eyre to me as a child, and since then, I’d reread it often. Did the feelings I was trying so hard to comprehend bear any likeness to those experienced by Jane Eyre when she first met Mr. Rochester? I hoped not.

My attraction wasn’t physical or romantic. At a time when I felt lost between past and future, when I was no more than an in-between, having left behind who I was and not yet arrived at who I was going to be, Nate Grady saw a person.

I wanted to talk to him one more time.