Читать книгу My 20+ Years In America - Tatiana Shymanova - Страница 10

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Tonya was a junior in college when she decided to travel home on the weekend before the First of May, the most important holiday in Russia. Everyone had traveled home to be with their loved ones, and she did not want to remain at the college alone. She wanted to be near those she loved most on this holiday. Although Tonya was looking forward to the upcoming vacation, she had no idea that this visit would turn out to be one of the most devastating visits in her memory.

She had just found out that her friend, Ivan, who had been her classmate from first grade through graduation and was lovingly known by everyone as Vano, was brutally murdered by a gang of teenagers. He was returning from his girlfriend’s home late at night and ran into a group of eight or ten teenagers. They had asked him for matches to light their cigarettes.

He answered, “I’m sorry, boys, but I’m not a smoker.”

After he said these words, they began to beat him with the hard, flat knuckles of their fists. They kicked him with their boots and then knocked him to the ground, nearly unconscious. The outer fence of the school of music was next to them, and when the strength of their own bodies began to fail them, they pulled wooden stakes from a nearby fence with the nails still protruding from the wood. They beat Vano with the fence posts until he stopped attempting to defend himself and lay motionless on the ground.

When Vano regained consciousness, there was nobody around. The teenagers had left him in the street to fend for himself or to die. He somehow managed to crawl nearly one hundred feet back to his girlfriend’s apartment and all the way back up to the fifth floor. He could not stand tall enough to reach the button for the doorbell, so he used the remainder of his strength to knock on the door.

There were very few people in the town who had working telephones in their home, so it took quite some time for Vano’s girlfriend to find a telephone and call an ambulance. Despite the ambulance, Vano’s injuries proved to be too great, and he died on the way to the hospital. He only had enough strength left to tell the paramedics that he had never met anyone from that group before. His single mother worked so hard to bring up her three sons, and she lost two of her boys. Vano’s oldest brother had been killed two years earlier. He was a talented artist. No one was ever charged with those crimes.

Ironically, Vano was killed next to the school of music, the dearest place in the entire town to Tonya. When Tonya used to sneak out to the school of music, she had been sure that nobody knew about her secret practice sessions, but one day Vano’s friend had come to Tonya during a class break and asked her, “Why don’t you ever come to the dance? Vano is always very sad about it. Don’t you notice at all that he is in love with you?”

Tonya studied his face for signs of teasing, but deciding to herself that he was inquiring seriously, she replied, “I’m just busy with practicing the piano.”

“He knows it too; sometimes he waits and follows you until you get home safely. He knows all your tricks to lose strangers. If he did not know where you lived, he would not have been able to follow you. Vano said that even if you do not pay attention to him, at least you do not pay attention to anyone else. So he said he will wait for the day when you leave your black box of keys and join his company.”

Tonya was very upset to hear about Vano’s unrequited affections toward her. If he liked her so much, he could have told her himself, without the need of a messenger.

“I don’t want anyone to pick on me about his love towards me.”

Tonya quickly recalled the long year of fourth grade when one boy had come up to her during class and kissed her on her cheek. All of the children had started to laugh hysterically and teased her about it mercilessly, particularly the boys, until it reached a point where she no longer wanted to attend school. As if they could not find enough hours during the school day, they teased her whenever they met her on the street, even outside the school, walking with her parents. She had the strength and courage to handle it in public, but when she was left alone at night to her own musings, she cried. Since then, she had never let any boys come close to her.

Tonya had fought for this independence to the point where it became problematic at school. After one parent-teacher meeting at the school, her mother came home and punished her.

“How long will I feel ashamed from hearing that you are always fighting with boys?” her mother had said.

The tables in Tonya’s classroom were grouped in pairs with two students seated at each table. At Tonya’s desk, there was a boy who was assigned the seat next to her at the table, and his mother asked the teacher to move her son away from Tonya. After this parent-teacher meeting, her mother punished her by forcing her to kneel in a corner of her bedroom. She told her to apologize and give her word that she would not fight anymore with boys. Tonya refused to do so, because she had not started the fight, she had only fought back in defense. When those boys tried to push her, pull her braids or pinch her, she only did what she needed to protect herself. She had no idea whether or not the boys would leave her alone, so she could not give her word that she would not fight anymore.

Tonya’s mother had been furious at her refusal, so she sternly told her, “Then you will stay here on your knees and think about your behavior until you are ready to apologize, even if it takes you the entire night.”

Tonya stayed there for a long time, and when her knees gave out, she began to lean on the wall. She thought that at least this way, she might be able to get some sleep. During the night, her father had eventually picked her up with his strong hands, rubbed her legs to get some feeling into them and put her to bed…

Vano’s friend, noticing the look of worry in Tonya’s eyes, answered, “Don’t worry, I told you without Vano’s permission. Nobody knows about his love for you but me. I just feel sorry for him, to see him so lovesick.”

Tonya replied, “All right then, let’s forget about it. I do not know either, and you did not mention it. If he wants to wait for me, let him wait.”

Vano was the most intelligent boy in Tonya’s class; maybe one day they would get together, but she had not yet experienced being in love. That would come later.

So Tonya took Vano’s death very hard. She could not forgive herself that she never found the time for him, even when he was in the hospital with pneumonia and she knew that her mere presence would have meant so much to him. Their high school graduation marked three years since Tonya first knew of his love towards her. He now had a girlfriend and Tonya only hoped that he had been happy. Perhaps he had forgotten about Tonya a long time ago, maybe he was in love with his girlfriend, even happy for a short time before his death. The loss of him brought an awful pain of helplessness. She could not change anything: she could not turn back time and could not save him. The pain was intolerable. The school of music had been like a bad omen for Vano. Not only had he lost his first love to it, but he had also lost his very life right outside of its doors.

Vano was buried on May first. The beginning of May is usually a warm period for Siberia, but on this day, the weather was particularly cold and windy, matching the mood of those who had come to pay their respects to the young life that was lost.

After the burial, Tonya returned home and shifted listlessly for the remainder of the day until her mother called her for dinner. They were sharing a bit of small talk while eating when Frola stopped eating and unexpectedly said to her daughter, “I am going to die soon.”

Tonya answered, “What are you talking about? Don’t talk about death. Where did you get this idea from? Out of the blue? Stop it.”

Her mother replied, “I know it from my dream. Some men were chasing me, and I knew that they were dangerous people and I had to get away from them. I tried to run as fast as I could, and in front of me I saw a new, small white house. I ran inside, and there, right in front of me, was my mother. I was so surprised to see her, and I asked her what she was doing there. She answered, ‘This is my home.’ I heard footsteps coming up the stairs to the house, men rapidly approaching, so I quickly locked the door. Then I woke up. It was about five o’clock in the morning, but this dream was so clear. I know that I do not have much time left in this world.”

Frola knew about her death the same way that her own mother had known about hers. She was so positively sure that it was going to happen. In the same way, Tonya had first realized the power of her dreams when she was in 10^th grade and had her first dream that did not just vanish with the morning sun. It stayed in her mind, surprisingly even coming true the next day.

Tonya had dreamt that as she arrived at school, her classmate Oleg ran in and excitedly shouted, “Guys, let’s go to physics class – it’s starting now!” Since Tonya was always busy practicing her beloved piano, she habitually put off working on academics and relied on all the breaks between classes to do the work she had neglected to do the night before. So when Oleg said this, Tonya felt her heart drop, knowing she had not even begun the complicated physics problems that she had expected to do during the breaks between classes. But somehow she had felt great relief in her dream, knowing that she would receive full credit.

Tonya awoke with a feeling of worry, because this situation was all too realistic. Getting dressed for school, Tonya remembered that once again she had not even given her homework a second glance. She was hoping for the break time before 5^th period physics to do her work. Yet as she arrived to her first class, she experienced a strong sense of déjà vu. The same classmate Oleg ran in, yelling in the same tone, and verbatim shouted, “Guys, let’s go to physics class – it’s starting now!” Tonya was extremely shocked. She turned to her girlfriends and exclaimed, “I saw this very situation in my dream last night, and I received full credit!” They laughed and said, “Well you’d better expect an F!” When the class began, the teacher asked the students, “Who completed their homework?” When his question was met with silence, he looked at his grade book and called out Tonya’s name to do a problem on the board. She quickly looked at her homework assignment and somehow knew exactly how to complete it. She confidently went up to the board, wrote out the solution, and returned to her desk, receiving full credit. Smugly, she looked over at her disbelieving girlfriends and smiled, making an A with her fingers.

So Tonya took her mother’s dream seriously. Indeed, she had had her own portentous dream about her mother three years earlier, when she was about to leave home for college for the first time. In her dream she had seen her father beat her mother with a rope and then leave her there, lying on a rag on fresh black soil, all alone and naked. When Tonya awoke, it was such a bizarre feeling, but the dream stayed clear in her mind, and she thought about it for the rest of the day. She had an ominous feeling about it. Across the street from their home lived an elderly woman who was known for her gift of dream interpretation. When she asked the old woman to explain the meaning of her dream, she told her that the dream meant that her mother would be the first to die.

Trying to avoid these thoughts, Tonya steered the topic of conversation with her mother away from death, and the conversation turned once again to the issue of money. Normally Tonya would sit quietly, allow her mother to say her piece, and attempt to quietly defend herself, but she had experienced far too much bad news in the past day and had reached her boiling point. Whenever she came home, her conversations with her mother were always about money, and it seemed to her that her mother cared more about money than about their relationship. This time was the last straw. It was the last time that she would come home, because in her mind she had no home and she had no mother.

The train was to depart at midnight, so Tonya packed a few things in her bag and left the house at 11:00 p.m. Her parents were already in bed. It was not safe to walk alone at night, but from early childhood Tonya had learned to be wary of strangers rather than being afraid of the dark corners in the room. Her developed sixth sense kept her safe through her childhood and into her youth. Tonya’s mother had heard her when she left, and, along with her father, followed her. Tonya noticed her parents only at the train station. Her mother tried to give her some money, but Tonya refused to take it. Her mother’s swollen, red eyes glistened in the moonlight, but Tonya was defiant and left anyway, vowing in her heart to never return… Her mother died two weeks later from an aneurysm of the aorta.