Читать книгу United By Their Royal Baby - Therese Beharrie - Страница 12

Chapter Three

LEYNA HAD HAD to leave the room—to escape Xavier’s company before she said something she regretted.

She already regretted too much of that conversation. That burst of emotion had reminded her of the woman she’d once been. The woman who’d died long ago. She needed to remind herself that the Leyna who’d let emotion guide her was gone. She had to be led by logic and reason. By the needs of her kingdom.

Because she was terrified of what would happen to her—inside of her—if she didn’t.

Her steps faltered. Her heart stuttered. Hurt pushed at the wall she’d hidden it behind. She closed her eyes, gave herself a moment. And then she straightened her shoulders and pushed ahead, forcing it all out of her mind as she walked into the hall.

Her royal duties required her attention.

Each year one of the islands in the Alliance of the Three Isles hosted the State Banquet to affirm their ties with other countries. There were thirty dignitaries there that evening and, considering the Isles’ geographical location, many of them were from Africa. The others were European, who, in honour of the three British men who’d found the islands with their African wives at the end of the eighteenth century, kept their ties with the Isles.

Leyna mingled, moving from the King of Spain to the King of Swaziland, and then to the delegation from South Africa. Before she knew it, dinner had been announced. She walked to the head of the table, her stomach turning when she saw Xavier. It wasn’t a surprise—it was custom that the monarchs of the Isles sit there—so she forced her feelings at seeing his blank expression aside and thought again of her duty.

She touched Xavier’s arm before he could take his seat.

‘We can’t have an empty seat at the head of the table. It would make Zacchaeus’ absence more conspicuous, and I won’t be able to field questions as easily if it’s staring our guests in the face. Someone has to sit in Kirtida’s place.’

He frowned down at her, but nodded. ‘Aidaraen?’

She shook her head. ‘My grandmother is the only one from Aidara who would be appropriate, and she—’ She no longer seems to think she needs to support her kingdom when she doesn’t approve of its queen. ‘She isn’t here. Can you ask someone from your family?’

‘My grandmother,’ he said immediately, but she could sense his reluctance. So things hadn’t got better in the ten years they’d grown apart, she thought. ‘She’d be the best option, considering my mother couldn’t be here tonight.’ His mother was ill, Leyna remembered. ‘Please excuse me.’

Formality—distance—lined his words. But it was for the best, she told herself, and hated the ache in her chest that said otherwise.

A few minutes later, Xavier returned with a graceful older woman at his side. Envy slithered its way through her before she shook it off. It was natural to envy the grace and poise the former Queen Consort of Mattan carried effortlessly with her. But envy was not a trait Leyna wanted to have as a queen, nor as a woman.

‘Your Majesty,’ Leyna said and curtsied.

‘Let’s not waste time with the formalities, Leyna.’ Xavier’s grandmother brushed kisses on both Leyna’s cheeks, and Leyna found her lips curving.

‘It’s lovely to see you, ma’am.’

The older woman sighed. ‘I recall you using that term years ago. But perhaps now we’ve reached the point where we can both use each other’s first names. Paulina will do. And don’t you dare refuse.’

Paulina lifted a hand to wave off Leyna’s response, and Leyna nodded.

‘As you wish... Paulina.’

Though she got an approving smile from Paulina, the name felt wrong on Leyna’s lips. To deal with it, Leyna made a point of avoiding addressing Paulina by name. She received a few looks that told her Paulina knew what she was doing, but Leyna just smiled in return and moved onto the next topic. Conversations were easy for her. Except when they were with former best friends—fiancés—Leyna considered, her eyes flitting over Xavier.

‘I’d hoped to see the new King of Kirtida here with us tonight,’ Paulina said when things were loud enough at the table that no one would overhear.

Though she could hardly manage to forget it, Leyna winced at the reminder. ‘I had, too.’

‘We should have anticipated this mess,’ Paulina continued. ‘There was always something in that boy’s eyes.’

Leyna didn’t respond, and Paulina turned her attention to the conversation beside her. Leyna was grateful. Her thoughts had clamoured at Paulina’s words, and she told herself, very deliberately, that it didn’t make her any less of a queen that she hadn’t anticipated their current situation.

It didn’t mean she’d failed her people.

She lived with the constant fear that she wasn’t doing enough. It didn’t matter how hard she worked, that fear remained. And she’d worked hard. She’d had to rebuild the morale of a kingdom that had lost its King and Queen in a matter of weeks. She’d had to earn their trust and make them believe that, though she was only twenty-one, she could be their Queen.

It had required all her time and all her attention. It had reminded her of her grandmother’s warnings. Was it any wonder she hadn’t had time for Xavier any more? She’d broken things off the minute she’d realised—really realised—how much work she had ahead of her.

It had hurt her to do so—more still when the demands of his crown hadn’t kept him from having a life. From having a relationship.

With someone who wasn’t her.

She closed her eyes against the anger, the jealousy, the resentment and pain, and fought off the loneliness that threatened to creep in. As it did almost every day.

‘Stop frowning,’ Xavier said under his breath. ‘People will think there’s something wrong with the food.’

‘Not the food, just the alliance they’re all here to celebrate.’

‘Don’t,’ he warned. ‘We’ll talk about it later.’

‘Yes, sir.’

She looked over in surprise when she heard his fork scrape against the plate. He was holding his utensils so tightly that his knuckles were white. It had her heart racing, especially since she wasn’t sure what had upset him.

‘Relax,’ she said lightly. ‘We have to keep the illusion of peace between the two of us.’

‘Are we at war then?’

‘No,’ she answered truthfully. ‘But our lives might end up being the collateral to stave one off.’

He didn’t respond to that, and somehow they made it through the rest of the dinner without saying another word to each other. Leyna led her guests to the more casual State Hall where the speeches would take place and gifts would be exchanged. She stood at the front next to the royal family of Mattan—Paulina, Xavier, his sister, Alika, with her husband, and his other sister, Nalini—accepting gifts with a smile even though she knew she was being watched.

No, she thought when her spine went rigid. She wasn’t being watched so much as judged. She knew her guests were wondering where the other member of Aidara’s royal family was. They’d always wanted that show of unity, especially after her mother had left Aidara. It seemed to reassure her people and their allies that Aidara was still as strong as it had been when Leyna’s grandfather, her grandmother Kathleen’s husband, had ruled.

But the last time Leyna had refused a suitor Kathleen had brought before her, her grandmother had declared that Leyna was a lost cause and had left Aidara for a diplomatic trip to South Africa.

It spoke volumes to Leyna that that was the least of her problems now. Because she also knew her guests were speculating more about the absence of the royal family of Kirtida than they were about Kathleen.

Murmurs had spread through the room as they’d gone through the formalities of the gift exchanges. No doubt discussing what the implications of Kirtida’s absence would be. She’d soothed many of the concerns when she’d done her rounds earlier, but that wouldn’t stop the rumours.

And there was nothing she could do about that.

She felt the room snap to attention before she saw why, and then felt her own body straighten in anticipation of the speech Xavier would be giving on behalf of the Isles. He’d stepped in front of the small podium that had been designed for the occasion. It was his presence, she thought. It commanded attention. She admired it.

He carried it with him so effortlessly—the authority, the confidence—that no one would have suspected he’d once begged Leyna not to leave him.

‘You’d never know how broken he is, would you?’

Leyna frowned, wondering how someone had read her thoughts. She shook it off and glanced over to see Xavier’s sister Nalini now standing beside her.

‘What do you mean?’

‘What do you see when you look at my brother?’

Leyna’s eyes shifted to Xavier. His muscular body wore the uniform representing his kingdom with ease, his handsome features set in an expression that was both commanding and open. Her heart fluttered, and she blushed when she saw Nalini watching her.

‘I see a king.’

Nalini took a few seconds to respond. ‘I think that’s who he sees, too. I think that’s the only thing he sees. He lost the man somewhere. I think maybe it was when he lost the woman he loved.’

‘I can only imagine what he must have gone through when Erika died. Losing someone you love is difficult.’

‘That was hard, of course,’ Nalini agreed. ‘But I was actually talking about you.’

Shock seized her tongue, and there was a long pause before Leyna replied.

‘No. I mean, he didn’t... I don’t think that’s true.’

‘Oh, it’s true,’ Nalini assured her, uncharacteristically serious. ‘Things became worse after Erika. But it started with you.’

Leyna had no response to that.

‘Xavier’s marriage wasn’t...easy, Leyna. And then they struggled to have a baby, and... Well, it was a heavy burden on Xavier. Worse because Erika didn’t know how to carry her part of that burden—of being Queen and of not conceiving naturally.’

Leyna felt as if she were being sucked into quicksand. She drew on her breathing techniques, knowing that she had to control the panic building in her chest.

‘He loved her and he was devastated when she passed on. But it’s been three years now and...’ Nalini’s voice faded and Leyna could see the Princess’s concern for her brother.

‘Why are you telling me this?’

‘Not to upset you,’ Nalini said quickly. ‘I’m sorry if I have.’ Leyna nodded, but didn’t speak. ‘I think... I’d hoped that you’d help him. I know that’s probably out of line, but you’re the only person...’ She trailed off and then took a breath. ‘I’m telling you this because I thought you’d be able to remind him of the person he used to be. The man who’d lived and didn’t just rule.’

Leyna barely noticed that Xavier had finished his speech, but her heart raced when she caught him walking towards them.

‘Please,’ Nalini whispered, and Leyna didn’t get the chance to respond when Xavier joined them.

‘That wasn’t incredibly boring,’ Nalini said brightly. Perhaps too brightly, Leyna thought.

‘Thank you, I think?’ But he frowned, looking at Nalini and then Leyna. It took Leyna a second to realise that she should say something to him, too, and she cleared her throat.

‘It was wonderful, thank you. I hope my speech next year is just as elegant when Mattan hosts the banquet.’

‘Are you okay?’

‘Yes,’ she answered quickly, and avoided Nalini’s eyes. ‘Please excuse me. I think Carlos is looking for me.’

He wasn’t doing anything to indicate that he was, but Leyna strode towards him with enough purpose that anyone watching would think he had called for her. When he saw her coming, his eyes widened and he stood at attention.

‘Your Majesty.’

‘You can relax, Carlos. I just need an excuse to get some air.’

She gave him a shaky smile and saw some of the tension seep from his stance.

‘Would you buy me some time? Tell anyone who’s looking for me I’m speaking with someone else privately. You can do that until I return. I won’t be long.’

Though she read confusion in his eyes, Carlos nodded and Leyna made her way through the secret tunnels that led to Aidara’s private beach. She kicked off her shoes at the edge of the sand and lifted the hem of her dress. It was practical—she wanted to be able to walk more easily—but she also didn’t want to ruin the beautiful dress. Then she stopped just before the water reached her feet and took a long steadying breath.

This beach held so many memories for her. Despite the fact that those memories were tainted with sadness now, it was still the place she came to for calm. For balance. She needed both now as the information Nalini had told her swirled in her head.

Xavier had had a difficult marriage. The knowledge grieved her. Even though she’d felt betrayed when he’d moved on so quickly from her, Leyna hadn’t wanted him to be unhappy. She’d wanted him to find contentment. To live a full life without her.

No, she corrected herself. What she’d wanted was for him to live a happy, full life with her. It was a contradiction that Nalini’s words had alerted Leyna to. She had never wanted Xavier to be unhappy but, if she was honest with herself, she didn’t want him to be happy without her.

She was a selfish, selfish person.

And now she was planning a marriage with him. And a child.

Hadn’t she jumped on that? She hadn’t wasted time thinking about what being married to him, what carrying his child would cost her. Not until she’d admitted to him that it might just destroy her.

She hadn’t wanted to admit it, but she couldn’t deny the truth of it now. She’d worked even harder rebuilding herself than she had on rebuilding her kingdom ten years ago. Turning away from Xavier had been absolutely soul-destroying. The only way she’d been able to survive the decision since was to focus on her duty. To focus on what she’d turned away from Xavier for.

She’d refused her grandmother’s suitors, had refused to date since. Hell, she’d refused to make time for any emotion that wasn’t necessary to run her kingdom. And now, with the possibility of a future with Xavier looming... It was enough for all the emotions she’d been ignoring to come flooding back in.

Leyna could see herself carrying a baby that was part her, part Xavier. She could already feel it move inside her, and see herself holding it for the first time. It would have Xavier’s almost grey eyes and her brown curly hair. It would have his laugh...

‘You can’t keep abandoning your guests like this, Leyna.’

She whirled around at Xavier’s voice, wondering for the briefest of moments if she’d imagined it. But he was there, walking towards her, his bare feet a stark contrast to the full-dress uniform he wore.

‘I just needed a break to think.’

‘About?’

She let out a strangled laugh. ‘What do you think?’

‘I think you need to put duty first. Doing that means marriage. And, apparently, a child,’ he added, and her heart thudded.

‘Easier said than done,’ she told him, and turned back just in time to see the water splash millimetres from her feet.

‘The conundrum of duty.’

‘You say that like it’s affected your life somehow.’

‘That’s a joke, right?’

‘I don’t mean in the usual sense.’ Her eyes followed the waves as they pulled back before crashing at the shore again. ‘I mean, how has it changed your life? How has it dictated your life?’

‘You really want to know?’ he asked, his voice low, tinged with something that had her turning towards him. A poor decision, she thought immediately, when she saw the look on his face—when she saw the seriousness, the fire, in his eyes.

Her belly stirred with a desire long-forgotten, her heart reminding her that they were in their place. That the reason he’d been able to find her when no one else would have was because he knew this was where she’d come to think. Where he’d found her countless times before.

Suddenly, the sound of the waves provided an alluring backing track. The night-time sky with its moonlight and stars offered more romance than she wanted.

She took a step back. ‘Tell me.’

‘Why don’t you go first?’

‘What is this? I show you mine, you show me yours?’

‘No.’ He took a step towards her now, and her heart pounded even harder as her body tightened. ‘But something tells me that your experiences are the reason for mine.’