Читать книгу Judge Haliburton's Yankee Stories (Part 1 of 2) - Thomas Chandler Haliburton - Страница 7

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In the morning the Clockmaker informed me that a Justice’s Court was to be held that day at Pugnose’s Inn, and he guessed he could do a little business among the country folks that would be assembled there. Some of them, he said, owed him for clocks, and it would save him the world of travelling, to have the Justice and Constable to drive them up together. If you want a fat wether, there’s nothing like penning up the whole flock in a corner. I guess, said he, if General Campbell knew what sort of a man that are magistrate was, he’d disband him pretty quick: he’s a regular suck-egg—a disgrace to the country. I guess if he acted that way in Kentucky, he’d get a breakfast of cold lead some morning, out of the small eend of a rifle, he’d find pretty difficult to digest. They tell me he issues three hundred writs a year, the cost of which, including that tarnation Constable’s fees, can’t amount to nothing less than 3,000 dollars per annum. If the Hon. Daniel Webster had him afore a jury, I reckon he’d turn him inside out, and slip him back again, as quick as an old stocking. He’d paint him to the life, as plain to be known as the head of Gineral Jackson. He’s jist a fit feller for Lynch law, to be tried, hanged, and damned, all at once—there’s more nor him in the country—there’s some of the breed in every country in the Province, jist one or two to do the dirty work, as we keep niggers for jobs that would give a white man the cholera. They ought to pay his passage, as we do with such critters, tell him his place is taken in the Mail Coach, and if he is found here after twenty-four hours, they’d make a carpenter’s plumb-bob of him, and hang him outside the church steeple, to try if it was perpendicular. He almost always gives judgment for plaintiff, and if the poor defendant has an offset, he makes him sue it, so that it grinds a grist both ways for him, like the upper and lower millstone.

People soon began to assemble, some on foot and others on horseback, and in wagons—Pugnose’s tavern was all bustle and confusion—Plaintiffs, Defendants, and witnesses, all talking, quarrelling, explaining, and drinking. Here comes the Squire, said one; I’m thinking his horse carries more roguery than law, said another; they must have been in proper want of timber to make a justice of, said a third, when they took such a crooked stick as that; sap-headed enough too for refuse, said a stout looking farmer: may be so, said another, but as hard at the heart as a log of elm; howsomever, said a third, I hope it won’t be long afore he has the wainy edge scoured off of him, any how. Many more such remarks were made, all drawn from familiar objects, but all expressive of bitterness and contempt.

He carried one or two large books with him in his gig, with a considerable roll of papers. As soon as the obsequious Mr. Pugnose saw him at the door, he assisted him to alight, ushered him into the “best room,” and desired the Constable to attend “the Squire.” The crowd immediately entered, and the Constable opened the court in due form, and commanded silence.

Taking out a long list of causes, Mr. Pettifog commenced reading the names—James Sharp versus John Slug—call John Slug; John Slug being duly called and not answering, was defaulted. In this manner he proceeded to default some 20 or 30 persons; at last he came to a cause, William Hare versus Dennis O’Brien—call Dennis O’Brien; here I am, said a voice from the other room—here I am, who has anything to say to Dennis O’Brien? Make less noise, sir, said the Justice, or I’ll commit you. Commit me, is it, said Dennis, take care then, Squire, you don’t commit yourself. You are sued by William Hare for three pounds for a month’s board and lodging, what have you to say to it? Say to it, said Dennis, did you ever hear what Tim Doyle said when he was going to be hanged for stealing a pig? says, he, if the pig hadn’t squeeled in the bag, I’d never have been found out, so I wouldn’t—so I’ll take warning by Tim Doyle’s fate; I say nothing, let him prove it. Here Mr. Hare was called on for his proof, but taking it for granted that the board would be admitted, and the defence opened, he was not prepared with proof. I demand, said Dennis, I demand an unsuit. Here there was a consultation between the Justice and the Plaintiff, when the Justice said, I shall not nonsuit him, I shall continue the cause. What, hang it up till next Court—you had better hang me up then at once—how can a poor man come here so often—this may be the entertainment Pugnose advertises for horses, but by Jacquers, it is no entertainment for me—I admit then, sooner than come again, I admit it. You admit you owe him three pounds then for a month’s board? I admit no such thing, I say I boarded with him a month, and was like Pat Moran’s cow at the end of it, at the lifting, bad luck to him. A neighbour was here called, who proved that the three pounds might be the usual price. And do you know I taught his children to write at the school, said Dennis—you might, answered the witness—And what is that worth? I don’t know—You don’t know, faith, I believe you’re right, said Dennis, for if the children are half as big rogues as the father, they might leave writing alone, or they’d be like to be hanged for forgery. Here Dennis produced his account for teaching five children, two quarters, at 9 shillings a quarter each, £4 10s. I am sorry, Mr. O’Brien, said the Justice, very sorry, but your defence will not avail you, your account is too large for one Justice, any sum over three pounds must be sued before two magistrates—But I only want to offset as much as will pay the board—It can’t be done in this shape, said the magistrate; I will consult Justice Doolittle, my neighbour, and if Mr. Hare won’t settle with you, I will sue it for you. Well, said Dennis, all I have to say is, that there is not so big a rogue as Hare on the whole river, save and except one scoundrel who shall be nameless, making a significant and humble bow to the Justice. Here there was a general laugh throughout the Court—Dennis retired to the next room to indemnify himself by another glass of grog, and venting his abuse against Hare and the Magistrate. Disgusted at the gross partiality of the Justice, I also quitted the Court, fully concurring in the opinion, though not in the language, that Dennis was giving utterance to in the bar room.

Pettifog owed his elevation to his interest at an election. It is to be hoped that his subsequent merits will be as promptly rewarded, by his dismissal from a bench which he disgraces and defiles by his presence.