Читать книгу The Deacon - Thomas Fargnoli - Страница 4

The Call

“Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me.”

Mathew 16:24

Rick showed up right on schedule at nine o’clock. Dorothy and I were just having our second cup of coffee. I showed Rick in and introduced him to Dorothy. I loved to watch peoples’ faces when they encountered Dorothy—she always made them smile. It was because she has that type of addictive smile herself, along with her sparkling eyes and a sincere and bright disposition. After I introduced them to each other, Dorothy asked Rick if he would like a cup of coffee, which he did. As we sat down in the living room, Dorothy brought Rick his coffee and, while warming up my cup, told us she was going over to her daughter’s house.

After Dorothy left, Rick smiled at me. “Your wife is beautiful and so nice.”

I acknowledged, “Yes, thank you, she is incredible. She is an answered prayer that saved my life. She actually tells me the same thing, so I guess we saved each other’s lives.”

Rick smiled again. “I would like to hear more about that for sure, but for today, I would like to understand how you decided to become a deacon. I know that the diaconate formation takes five to six years, which probably deters many men. I have also heard that many deacons, priests, and other religious vocations, felt that they were ‘called’ into their ministry. Did you feel called?”

On the surface, this was a fair and straightforward question, but I could feel myself starting to shake inside. Maybe Dorothy was right, maybe I should have turned down this interview. Maybe my wounds were not healed. After looking at Rick and gazing out the window for what seemed like a few minutes, I finally responded, “Sorry for the delay—I’ve learned to pause a little before answering questions. The pause allows me to take a deep breath and to say a brief prayer that the Holy Spirit will guide my response.”

Surprisingly, Rick seemed to completely understand. “Can you share your prayer?” he asked.

“It’s pretty simple really, something like, ‘Lord, fill me with your Spirit, help my response to be sincere and to be in accordance with your will. Amen.’”

Rick smiled. His smile made me smile and, more importantly, I felt myself start to relax. Something about Rick made me feel that he understood my explanations and examples almost better than I did. He never looked critical. He conveyed a demeanor that seemed to say, “I understand what you are trying to say.” That is saying something because I had convinced myself that no one could possibly understand what I had been through.

“Well, I have seriously entertained becoming a deacon at least two times during my adult life. I remember discussing it with Maryellen early in our marriage and then again after we were married for about 15 years.”

“Maryellen was your first wife?”

“Yes, we were married for forty years. We met in high school. We had an amazing life together with two beautiful children.”

Rick could see a gentle smile come over me as I mentioned Maryellen. I knew I would be talking about her in more detail as the interview progressed, but for now, decided to stick with discussing my diaconate calls. “On both occasions, I remember having the desire to follow Christ more intimately than just by going to church, reading scripture, volunteering, and all that I was doing, but on both occasions, we decided it was not the right time for that commitment based on our current life raising children, establishing my career, going to school, teaching part-time, etc. etc.”

Rick was nodding, “So you had the desire, you looked into it, but decided against it both times?”

“Yes, there was just too much going on in our life, and all good things. We loved raising our children and we loved being a part of their activities, as well as working and enjoying our home—I even loved mowing the lawn. And my job was rather technical and, consequently, it took a lot of my time and occupied a lot of my mind.”

Rick sensed that I was happy as I reminisced those days, “You sound like you enjoyed those days.”

“I did; we did; we were truly blessed. But getting back to your question on whether I felt called to become a deacon, yes, I did feel called on those occasions but I also felt called to be the best husband I could be, the best father I could be, and the best engineer I could be. And I thank God I had the hunger to pursue all three and this is really the nature of calls isn’t it? We often hear the expressions, ‘She was called to be a teacher’ or ‘He missed his calling’—The crucial point is not so much whether we feel we were called to pursue a particular career or activity, but rather to acknowledge that God speaks to us. We are all called! The real questions concerning God’s calls are first, how do we hear God, and second, how do we heed his calls?”

“You asked me if I was called to be a deacon. Yes! I was, but actually, my calling was more general—it was to follow Christ—to serve him. Of that, I have no doubt, but let’s be clear about what I mean by my calling. I emphasize my calling because God calls us all and he calls us in unique ways—in ways only we can understand. For some, such as St. Paul, God’s voice was rather loud and bold, knocking him off his horse and temporarily blinding him. But, for most of us, God’s voice is like the whisper of a friend. The Old Testament story of Elijah comes to my mind. The Lord told Elijah to go out and stand on the mountain and wait for him to pass by. As he waited, a strong and violent wind came, but the Lord was not in the wind; after the wind, an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake; after the earthquake, fire, but the Lord was not in the fire; after the fire, a light silent sound. That is the whisper that I am referring to. Sometimes, we set the stage for some grandiose call, but all we really have to do is still our mind and soul and to listen.

“If you search the Bible for examples of being called, you will find at least fifteen instances. I did this because I wanted to understand what is meant by a calling. One of my favorites is from the Gospel of John, ‘It was not you who chose me, but I who chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit that will remain, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name he may give you.’ The essence of a call is essentially to be able to hear his voice—to be in a relationship with him and to be in a state in which we are receptive to his words.

“In order to have a relationship with God, he has to be real to us—not some far-away entity. In this respect, we have to know him. He certainly knows us, right down to the number of hairs on our head—some of us less hair than others.”

“I like the way you use scripture in an informal way,” Rick said. “I could see how patients would like that when you relate scripture to their experiences in a way they would understand. So many times, people throw scripture out there without any real context. I also noticed that you do the same thing with prayer, making up or building your own prayers.”

“Well, I truly believe that we get to know God through prayer, as well as through scripture, through books, through meditation, by going to church, receiving the Sacraments, and many other ways—some ways are good for some but not good for others. There are many paths to the truth, but the driver behind any of these activities is to understand that God truly wants us to get to know him. Pope Francis put it nicely in one of his homilies. He said, ‘When the disciples were afraid, faced with difficulties and behind closed doors, not knowing how to go forward, they go to the Lord, they open their heart and the Spirit comes and gives them what they need to go forward. Prayer is what opens the door to the Spirit and gives one this freedom, this boldness, this courage of the Holy Spirit.’

“Regardless of which path we choose, it will have its fair share of ups and downs. Our prayer life will go through phases, at times filled with many words and at other moments in complete silence. God knows this—he wants us to learn to trust that he is always near even when it may not seem so. By loving him, even in obscurity and darkness, our faith springs to life and our relationship with him becomes real. We will never know God up here (pointing to my head), we get to know him here, where he lives (pointing to my heart). Blaise Pascal, one of my favorite authors, argues that reason is fine, but the heart has its own reason—reason that the mind does not understand. I love that!”

“How did you come across Blaise Pascal?”

“When I was in high school or early in college, still living at home, my parents, for whatever reason, had a set of four Random House books called The World’s Great Thinkers. The crazy thing about that was that neither of my parents really read books. I mean, they read the newspaper and magazines but were not big on books. So, it’s really strange that these four books would even be in my house. It was in one of these books where I found and read Pensées, by Blaise Pascal. Pensées is French for ‘thoughts.’ That essay was basically Blaise Pascal’s thoughts that he would write down. Pascal was a mathematician and had some amazing things to say about God and faith and the heart. I still have those books. Through them, I was also exposed to Plato, Aristotle, St. Augustine, the Bhagavad-Gita, the Dhammapada, the Upanishads, Friedrich Nietzsche, Confucius, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Thoreau, and even Sigmund Freud. They all made an impression on me, but especially Blaise Pascal. So here is the pivotal question. I attribute my hunger—my hunger to learn more about God—to those books. That hunger eventually led me to God and to a deeper meaning of the Catholic Church. Did my hunger start with those books or did it lead me to them? This question is important to me because it’s the hunger that led me to a relationship with God and the ongoing hunger that keeps my relationship alive. Many people, especially those I met in the hospital, told me that God wasn’t real to them. I know it’s because they don’t have this hunger. I wish I could instill this hunger in them but I can’t.”

“Well, Tom, as far as when the hunger started for you, it probably started before you reached for that book. Did you ever hear the expression, ‘When the student is ready, the teacher will appear’?”

“So, you are saying it was the hunger that led me to those books?”

“That’s what I think, yes, but I am just a reporter. That’s just my opinion, but wasn’t it this hunger that you speak of that led you to God?”

“Well, the books certainly did their part—eventually I began to see God’s wonders present all around me. In a baby’s laugh, in a sunrise or sunset, in the taste of my favorite fruit, and definitely in my favorite candy, milk chocolate. God seemed to be all around me and he became real for me. Jesus said he wants us to be his friend. He wants to have a relationship with us. If he didn’t want a relationship with us, he would have never sent his Son to be one of us. In every way, except sin, Jesus became one of us. God became one of us! When the priest or deacon mixes the water with the wine at Mass, he says a small prayer, ‘By the mystery of this water and wine may we come to share in the divinity of Christ who humbled himself to share in our humanity.’ This is the essence of building a relationship with God—realizing that he is one of us and realizing that he wants this relationship. This is the first step toward establishing a channel of communication with him—a channel to receive his calls.”

“And through this channel, we can hear him and receive his calls?”

“Yes! He is always calling us! And his call doesn’t have to be a call to be a deacon or a priest or a religious sister—it can simply be a call to action, a call to help someone, a call to contact a friend, a call to read, a call to rest or it can be an answer to a prayer.”

Rick looked up from jotting down notes. “Or a call to do an interview?”

“Yeah, in fact, when your call came in as ‘unknown’ I wasn’t going to answer it, yet I did and here we are.”

“You mentioned the second thing necessary to hear God’s voice was to be in a fertile state. What do you mean by a state?”

I took my normal pause, then explained, “Well, consider your cell phone. If it’s off, you cannot receive or make calls, correct? It’s in the ‘Off’ state, but when you turn the power on, it goes into a ‘Listening’ state. It is listening for a signal being transmitted from the closest transceiver station (a cell) to establish a channel for you when you wish to make or receive calls. When you make a call, your cell phone sends a signal to that transceiver station through the channel established for your phone. In a similar manner, by building a relationship with God, you also establish a channel through which to communicate. Of course, that takes more than pushing a power button. If fact, it may take years to build that connection. It’s like building a garden—it takes time and effort to build it and to transform it into a healthy, fertile state, keeping the soil rich with nutrients. And you have to water it and pull the weeds when necessary. Gardens not maintained become dry and full of weeds, and if let go for an extended period, they become unrecognizable as a garden.”

Rick seemed to be following my explanation, so I continued, “Jesus describes ‘states’ best in his parable of the sower who went out to sow. As he sowed, some seed fell on the path and birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky ground, where it had little soil. It sprang up at once but, because the soil was not deep, the sun scorched it, and it withered for lack of roots. Some seed fell among thorns and the thorns grew up and choked it. But some seed fell on rich soil and produced fruit. Jesus is indeed the sower and when he whispers to us, he is sowing seeds. If we have no relationship with him, or have not maintained a relationship with him, then we are in a ‘rocky-ground’ state. But, Jesus, who never gives up on us, continues to whisper again and again. We always have the ability to build our relationship with him and to evolve ourselves into a ‘rich-soil’ state.

“But, we are all human. Even though we have built a good relationship with God, sometimes the world forces us back into a ‘rocky-ground’ state. It could be that we are preoccupied with our job, our children’s activities, etc., etc. We may just not be receptive to any whispers from God on a particular day or at a particular time, but they will come if we stay receptive.”

Rick looked at me. “You have a very unique way of describing things. You would have made a terrific teacher.”

“I love teaching. I taught computer science at the community college for eleven years and spent much of my time in engineering teaching. I’ve always been driven to simplify things, perhaps because I view myself as simple. It seems to me that everyone makes things more complicated than they need to be. I wrote a book about this, entitled, A Bridge to Simplicity through Diagrams. In it, I used diagrams to facilitate understanding, such as understanding cholesterol levels, a work or school assignment, or just a desire to get your point across more effectively. I traveled for my company teaching these visual concepts of systems analysis and design across the country. I thoroughly enjoyed that.”

“So, your diagrams help simplify information to facilitate understanding?”

“That’s the idea. The quote I like to use is, ‘Simplicity renders the obscure understandable.’”

Rick surprised me with a challenge, “Can you show me an example? I would love to see a diagram that depicts your journey to get closer to God.”

Grabbing some blank paper, I drew a quick diagram, “This is rather simplistic, but here is a diagram that depicts a journey toward God. As we move closer to God, learning more about him through prayer, meditation, reading, attending church service, contemplation, with each step we take, he reveals a little more to us.”

Rick looked at my rather quickly drawn diagram, “Very good! Did you get a chance to apply your simplification and visual techniques when you were a deacon?”

Smiling and remembering how much I loved creating homilies, I told Rick, “Absolutely, I always tried to make my homilies understandable by both young and old. Holy Scripture is certainly profound and involved, but it isn’t complex. In fact, it was inspired by God and he intended it to be understood and applied across generations. There is so much beauty and simplicity in the Bible, especially in the teachings of Jesus. But, for most people, the Bible isn’t a book you just pick up and find answers. It can be, but you must have a hunger for God’s words—a hunger to achieve peace—a peace that you get only from Christ.”

“How about magic? Did you get a chance to use your magic tricks as a deacon?“

“On occasion, yes, especially when I was involved in helping with religious education. Both children and adults love magic and it helps to convey the particular theme I was focusing on. For example, when talking about the Sacrament of Reconciliation, or Confession, I would cut a length of rope into two pieces, explaining how sin affects our relationship with God and with others. After explaining how God hates sin but will never stop loving us, I talk about the power of forgiveness and how it can mend our relationship with others. As I explain that, I tie the two lengths together and they look at me with the expression, ‘So, big deal, you tied the ropes together and now there is a knot holding them together.’ Then I talk about the power of the Sacrament and how it can heal our relationship with God. As I explain this, I slide the knot off the rope and throw it out to the audience, showing the now restored rope which reflects our restored relationship.”

Rick smiled. “I want you to show me that trick eventually and, in fact, I would like to learn how to do it. But, for now, I have one outstanding question about being ‘called.’ What if we hear God’s call but choose not to heed his call?”

I smiled in return. “That’s fine—we are not meant to respond blindly at once. Unlike all the other creatures in the world, we are the only ones that can weigh the pros and cons of a situation and make a decision. As I said, I received a few calls to consider the diaconate but, at the time, I choose against going down that path. But God is a master seed planter, and our answering the call may have to wait a while. Whether we wait or act immediately, we have to trust and totally surrender to God. Surrendering to him is not about giving in immediately, becoming a puppet, being naïve, irresponsible, or stopping all planning and thinking. Surrendering is about trusting him and working to keep that channel open.”

After a rather long pause, Rick continued, “So, let me just summarize some of the points I got out of what you said:

 As far as describing the concept of a call, you did a great job with that, thank you.

 You believe that we are all called in various ways and at various times, but we need to build and maintain a relationship with God to be receptive to his calls.

 You feel that once that channel is open, we will not only hear his calls but communicate and trust when to heed his calls.

 You evaluated your first two calls to the diaconate and you and your wife decided that raising a family was the best path to travel during those times. But eventually, as you maintained a relationship with God, that call continued, and you reached a point where you were ready to pursue it.

Is that all accurate?”

Nodding, “Yes, I think that captures the essence of my explanation. I know my explanation of a call was rather involved, but this concept runs deep with me and I want your readers to know that God speaks to all of us and wants to have a relationship with all of us. Knowing that will do them more good than reading that a particular deacon felt that he was called.”

Rick continued, “So this brings us to your third call to the diaconate. I would like to know how you developed your garden, so to speak, how you established and maintained a relationship with Christ, and how you achieved a rich-soil state, as you termed it, where you were able to discern and heed that third call.”

I poured us both some more coffee, took a deep breath, and then addressed his question, “Well, everyone has a different story as to how they established a relationship with Christ or, as my Protestant friends would say, found Christ. My relationship with Christ was a product of three main influences in my life. It started in my childhood, it grew in college through a hunger for spiritual insight, initiated by the books I mentioned, and then found a home through a special priest in my early twenties.”

“The books you mentioned earlier, you mean The World’s Great Thinkers?”

“Yes, they actually triggered many other books while in college, but yes, they started me off. Before that, however, as a child, we had this huge Bible in the living room. I never read it, but always looked at the pictures—pictures of all the main events that fascinated me, such as Samson and Delilah, Daniel and the Lions, David and Goliath, and above all, Christ’s Passion and Crucifixion. As I got older, it was the movies of those events that got my attention. I remember my mom and I, at Easter time, watching ‘The King of Kings,’ the story of Jesus played by Jeffrey Hunter. Those movies touched me, and despite the fact that my parents never attended church, I always took that Sunday walk in my home town of Magnolia, to St. Gregory’s Church for Mass. I had no clue about what was being said, for it was in Latin, but I found so much peace there.”

Rick politely interrupted, “Peace?”

Smiling, I explained the best I could. “Well, as a kid, I couldn’t define it but I could feel it. Looking back, and defining it today, I would say it was a silence—a silence that allowed me to hear things that normally were drowned out by various noises. As I said, in looking back and trying to define that peace, I would say it was that silence that allowed me to get a glimpse of a connection between God and my own heart. I just felt close to him in that silence and I never forgot that feeling of peace.”

“I understand, Tom—it was a feeling of everything is right in the world.”

“Yes, that’s pretty much it.” Somewhat surprised at Rick’s understanding of the peace I felt, I continued, “As I grew, I started reading the Bible and became interested in many philosophies and religions. In college, I became interested in many of the Eastern philosophies and religions, such as Taoism and Buddhism. On the surface, they contained practical advice for moral conduct and action. Whatever the reason, they got my attention. I even studied Chinese Kung Fu, but as I continued to read and seek new ideas, religions, and philosophies, I was led back to Christianity. Through my studies in the Eastern philosophies and religions, I saw Christianity, specifically Catholicism, through an Eastern, or mystical view. Some of the writings that had a huge influence on me during that time of soul searching were from Alan Watts, Richard Bach, Og Mandino, Erich Fromm, Blaise Pascal, Mahatma Gandhi, Confucius, and especially Thomas Merton.”

Rick interjected, “Can you give me a few examples of why you were moved by these authors?”

“Sure!” I was always excited to talk about some of the authors that had such an influence on me. “Richard Back wrote a book called ‘Illusions.’ It was a story about the adventures of a reluctant messiah. Some of his thoughts were ‘freeing’ to me. One in particular was, ‘Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself.’ Mahatma Gandhi said, ‘The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.’ Alan Watts made me relook at Catholicism in a mystical way. When bread and wine are transformed into the body and blood of Christ, well, that’s as mystical as you can get. All these writings seemed to provide a ray of truth for me. I was soon to learn that all of these rays of truth came from the one Holy Spirit. Looking back, I definitely felt guided as I explored all these concepts. Thomas Merton put it so eloquently. He said, ‘We have what we seek, it is there all the time, and if we give it time, it will make itself known to us.’ So, that’s what seemed to happen to me. I was going through what Merton went through. I was exploring all these Eastern philosophies and religions only to end up where I started in Catholicism. The difference for me, however, was that I no longer just went through the motions of saying prayers and going to church. I was introduced to meditation techniques and deeper prayer practices, all of which made the Mass become a very real experience for me. Consequently, my relationship with Christ also became very real and meaningful.”

“As you talk about how these authors and philosophies, it seems clear to me that you had a hunger driving you. You said you were introduced to meditation techniques. Can you describe what that was like?”

“One day while walking across the campus, there was a table set up and this couple was handing out brochures on Transcendental Meditation. I decided to go to the free presentation and before long I was meditating twice a day. I still meditate but not as regularly.”

“So, you sit in a lotus position and repeat some type of mantra?”

“Not really. I just sit comfortably on a chair for about 15 or 20 minutes and, yes, there is a mantra. It relieves stress and anxiety and increases energy, creativity, and awareness. As I look back over my life, it has been very effective across those areas and has helped me become more receptive in so many areas, particularly in my prayer life.”

As Rick was still writing, he asked me, “So this peace you first experienced in your childhood now had meaning based on the various ‘rays of truth’ you found through the writings and influences you’ve mentioned?”

“Yes! And there were many more—I just gave you a taste of the main ones, particularly Thomas Merton, who brought them all together for me in Catholicism. In addition to this exploration through books, I was dating my high school sweetheart, Maryellen Baxter. When I met Maryellen, I was a senior in high school and she was a junior. As I mentioned, I never had to go to church, but Maryellen, one of nine in an Irish Catholic family—she absolutely had to go to Mass. And of course, I had no intension of getting on the wrong side with her parents, so I gladly took her to Mass every week. As it turned out, during that time, a young priest at her parish, Father John, made such an impression on me. His homilies seemed to be aimed directly at me. As time went on, I asked him if he would meet with me. He agreed and that began a friendship that still exists today. In those early days, I shared with him my readings and interests and he shared with me a fresh and unique perception of spirituality and Christianity. Holy Scripture continued to have new meaning for me. I started to see some of the underlying meaning behind the stories of the Old Testament and how they were fulfilled in the New Testament and in particular, through the words and actions of Jesus.

“I think that if I hadn’t fallen in love with Maryellen, I may have considered the priesthood. But as our love grew, so did an excitement about our future together—a future involving a home and a family. I choose that path because that was who I was. Again, Thomas Merton’s words come to my assistance during that time. He said, ‘Love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves alone—we find it with another.’

“We were married by Father John, of course, and the emphasis in my life became God, family, and job. We raised two beautiful children and attended Mass on most Sundays. The idea of becoming a deacon crossed my mind, but the kids were young and we thoroughly enjoyed all the activities they were involved in—baseball, football, cheerleading and so many more. In addition, we simply and thoroughly enjoyed being parents and all that came with it—the Christmas decorations, the dyeing of eggs on Easter Saturday, the rides and hikes through the woods, enjoying our golden retriever, Katie, remodeling the house, sitting by the fire, lighting candles, going to Disneyworld and Italy as a family, and on and on. We were truly blessed and we thanked God every day for our life together as a family. I always saw the diaconate in my peripheral vision and I knew it would be there when I was ready. More importantly, our love for God never stopped—we were quite aware that all our joy and beauty that we shared was because of him.

“My son graduated college and started his career in civil engineering. When my daughter was close to her college graduation, I started to consider the diaconate once more. That ‘whisper’ kept coming. Maryellen and I had several conversations about it, as well as attended a session describing the deacon, his ministry, his wife, and the formation process. The diaconate required both the husband and wife to be actively involved, so it had been on our minds and we continued to pray about it. I also met with a few deacons to get their take on the diaconate. I was amazed to see how much a deacon really does. Most people just see the deacon at Mass assisting the priest.”

“Yes, that was one of the reasons I wanted to write about your hospital ministry. I am sure most people are not aware of the various ministries that deacons are involved in.”

“Yes, hopefully, you will talk to some of the deacons involved in prison ministry. It’s amazing to see how effective they are in the prison setting.”

“I definitely will. Besides reaching a time in your life in which all the conditions were right for pursuing the diaconate, were there any other events that contributed to your decision?”

“I remember one particular Sunday at Mass when I was in the middle of discerning whether or not to finally pursue the diaconate. And just to be clear, I mentioned discernment a few times now. Perhaps I should define that for your readers. Discernment, or more precisely termed, spiritual discernment, is taking time to hear and understand the Holy Spirit. In addition to a normal decision-making process, a man must go through in making such a decision, weighing the pros and cons of the life of a deacon and its impact on him and his family, there is a discernment process to assess the source of the motivation that is driving him to pursue the life of a deacon. On that particular Sunday, I was questioning that motivation. Was my calling saying ‘Now is the time?’ During that Mass, the deacon proclaimed the Gospel. It was as if he was speaking to me directly when he repeated Jesus’ words, ‘Follow me.’ Later during that same week, I attended the funeral of a relative. As I listened to the priest during the Mass, again, it seemed as if I was all alone in the church and he was speaking directly to me. He said, ‘Thomas who asked the Lord, ‘Master, we do not know where you are going; how can we know the way?’ Jesus said to him, ‘I am the way and the truth and the life.’

“It was the next day that I started the process—yes, I was called. Was I called ten years earlier? Was I called to be a priest twenty years earlier? Perhaps, but keep in mind, God is calling us all the time. Not our will but his and if we maintain an ongoing relationship with him, we will know what path to take and when to take it. As Blaise Pascal puts it, when we are called to make a decision, ‘Choose the path with the heart.’ In other words, choose based on love. Blaise continues, ‘We know the truth, not only by the reason, but also by the heart.’”