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“Chance takers are accident makers.” Unknown

22 Minutes to Midnight…

The teenage party scene is bad enough without parents getting in on the act of purchasing the alcohol. Teens, you can well-imagine, flock to these events in great and enthusiastic numbers.

There are certain natural laws, regarding the teenage party scene, adults should be aware of when hosting or thinking about hosting illicit events of this kind. First, far more partiers will show up than were originally anticipated. It’s a mathematical certainty: invite 10, get 40. Invite 40, get 140. Word spreads quickly, and we can thank the age of cell phones for that. Every teen has one. Come to think of it, every six-year-old does, too. Second, where there is alcohol you can expect drugs. That’s not a mathematical certainty, just a sociological one. Also, depending on the number of participants, count on lots of noise, some vandalism, a fight or two, theft, public urination, vomiting, ticked off neighbors and, most probably, police. Once the whole mess is cleaned up, and everyone makes it home alive and in one piece, the host should consider himself lucky. Darn lucky.

But when things get out of hand, and the police and angry neighbors come knocking, many party hosts are nowhere to be found. Later on, they may scramble to put their spin on the situation: My wife and I went out to dinner and returned to a disaster. We got rid of everyone as fast as we could, officer.I didn’t see any alcohol. If there was any, and I highly doubt that, they were drinking it in the back yard.Kids just kept coming and coming in waves. It was scary. Or how about this red herring: Kids these days are completely out of control.

I have some advice for the good parents—the ones who hit the ceiling after they’ve discovered their son or daughter has attended one of these illicit get-togethers. After you’ve grounded your child for the next nineteen full moons, call the party hosts and, in no uncertain terms, express your extreme displeasure with their incredible irresponsibility. Tell them that your child will no longer be permitted over their house. Remind them of the host liability laws and tell them that, if your child had been hurt after consuming alcohol on their property, you would have sued them for a very hefty sum. Inform them that you will be reporting the matter to the police. And after you hang up, have the intestinal fortitude to follow through with your threats. It’s the only way these people will understand. Stick it to them so they’ll never forget what they did wrong. You may just save a life or two in the process.

Now, where am I going with all of this? Let me introduce you to possibly the lamest excuse for allowing teenage drinking in one’s home:

I’d rather they drink in my home than some place where they can get hurt or killed. At least I can see them and monitor the situation.

Extrapolating this logic ad ridiculum, I have a number of suggestions.

First, purchase every drop of liquor yourself. This way you’ll be certain that no date rape drugs, such as GHB or Ruhypnol, will find their way into the booze supply. Next, take the car keys from your guests as they arrive at your home. When all the youths have assembled for your little experiment, begin a mandatory ten minute Power Point presentation on safe drinking. Now you’ll want to guard against any frolicking behavior; after all, sex and booze are kissing cousins. Watch that all articles of clothing remain attached to their respective owners at all times. Be smart and hire private security guards to watch for theft, fighting and vandalism. When someone starts to get sloppy drunk, cut them off. Provide a safe vomiting area in the back yard. Circulate among your guests, demonstrating the proper etiquette for alcohol consumption. Hire a crack squad of designated drivers to get the intoxicated youths home safely. Better yet, have them spend the night. And finally, after it’s all over, pat yourself on the back for your ingenuity. Tell yourself what a cool and hip parent you are.

Imagine you are a frequent business flyer, someone who is in the sky just about every week of the year. Just prior to boarding a flight for Chicago one morning, the smiling gate attendant reminds you that your travel is not without risks. Given all the flights you take each year, there’s a 10-15% chance one of the aircraft will develop complications while en route. “The cabin of one of these planes,” she says, “could lose pressure at 30,000 feet. A hydraulic system might develop problems like that United DC-10 out at Sioux City years ago. Who knows? Maybe a tire will blow on take-off and you’ll have to make an emergency landing. Of course one of these planes could…well, we won’t go there.” Boarding pass in hand, you stare down the carpeted jet way. Do you go? How about it?

You’re a theme park junkie, bouncing back and forth between Disney, Universal and Six Flags several times a year. You challenge every thrill ride you can find. You’ve just strapped yourself in and are ready to take on that imposing boardwalk rollercoaster you’ve heard so much about. The carney guy snaps up your ticket and grunts that all these people who frequent rollercoasters during the year have a 10-15% chance of getting stuck at the very top for hours. Of course, one of these cars could derail. “Don’t worry, sport,” he says. “Eighty-five to ninety percent chance ain’t nothin’ gonna happen in a year’s time. If you had cancer, them would be dern good odds for recovery, dontcha think?” He pulls the lever. Your car jerks to a start and clanks forward. You’re on your way.

If you’re like me, I doubt you would take those odds. I know, with the airport example, I’d turn right around and head for my car. And then for the Greyhound station. And that rollercoaster? Mr. Carney worker will have to find himself a new customer. Ten to fifteen percent failure rate—even in the course of a calendar year is too much for me. Where have we heard this before? Condoms, that’s where.¹

Take the issue of birth control. If we were to rely on condoms, over the course of a year, the chance we’d end up pregnant would be in the neighborhood of 10-15%.² I’ve read a couple of estimates that bump that figure up as high as 18-21%.³ Just look at the many ways condoms can fail.

Manufacturing defects- Some are so minute, they are virtually undetectable. Storage- Condoms must be stored at room temperature and away from ultraviolet radiation. Can you retrace the exact storage history, from the manufacturer to the store and all points in between, of that condom you’re about to put your trust in? Transportation Risks- Storing condoms in the glove compartment of a hot or extremely cold automobile is unwise. Some carry them in their back pocket—the same pocket they sit on and put their full weight on. Tearing Open the Package- Condoms are very delicate and can be torn as the packaging is ripped open. Rolling on the Condom- Many condoms suffer minute tears as their users stretch them into place. During sex- Some condoms rip, tear or come apart during sex. Ideally, they should only be used for a couple of minutes and then immediately discarded. Withdrawal- The condom (especially among people who do not know one another well) is a potential bio-hazard.

What about the risks of contracting a sexually transmitted disease while using a condom? That’s a good question. And there is no exhibition season when it comes to sex. If a person is playing the game, he/she is subject to all the rules—regardless of whether he/she is 13 or 63. And consider this: a sperm cell is roughly 1-2 microns in size. Compare that to the virus that causes AIDS—0.1 microns.⁴ Diane Dew, in her March 16, 1995 article “Condom ‘Safe Sex’ Theory Full of Holes”, writes:

“Even intact condoms have naturally occurring defects (tiny holes penetrating the entire thickness) measuring five to 50 microns in diameter—50 to 500 times the size of the HIV virus, writes C. Michael Roland, head of the Polymer Properties Section at the Naval Research Laboratory in Washington, D.C. and editor of Rubber Chemistry and Technology, in a published letter to the Washington Times. [In other words, just as rubber tires, over time, lose air, condoms (manufactured of the same product, rubber) also are porous.]

“’…the rubber comprising latex condoms has intrinsic voids about 5 microns (0.0002 inches) in size,’ Roland states. ‘Contrarily, the AIDS virus is only 0.1 micron (4 millionths of an inch) in size. Since this is a factor of 50 smaller than the voids inherent in rubber, the virus can readily pass through the condom.’

“In addition, condom manufactures allow 0.4 percent of any given batch to be defective, before a recall is ordered.”⁵

Just listen to what the American Medical Association’s Family Medical Guide says about condoms: “Condoms are easy to obtain and widely available. They come in a variety of designs, some of which may increase sexual arousal. Also, wearing a condom gives some protection against sexually transmitted diseases. There are some drawbacks, however…”

Some drawbacks?

Admitting that condoms only provide “some protection against sexually transmitted diseases” is certainly a drawback—a big drawback. So here’s a question. Why do some parents toss condoms at their kids, as they’re heading out the door on a Friday night, and tell them to be careful? Are they not informed as to the risks of condom use? Do they not think their son or daughter will contract Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Chlamydia, Hepatitis or HIV? Or, God forbid, all of them at once? Do they not think their son or daughter will end up parents long before they’re ready? I would ask these parents to consider the moral implications of sexual activity at that age. Unfortunately, many of them are simply thinking of physical safety but pay no attention to moral safety.

This is the Safety/Safe Supervision fallacy in all its glory. Some parents adopt a defeatist mentality: You can’t stop them. They’re going to have sex anyway. So, you might as well hand them a box of condoms. This is the passive parent’s lament: There’s no way to stop the determined teenager. So, they take the easy way out.

There’s another brand of parent operating under the convenient guise of this fallacy: The Spoiler. This parent could not say ‘no’ to their child if his very life depended on it (see the 12^th Hour to Midnight: Quick and Easy Steps to Raising a Brat). They give the child everything he/she desires. And when this child reaches fifteen or sixteen, just be prepared. I want a car. I’m ready to have sex. Put me on the pill. I’m staying out all night. I don’t want to pick up around the house. Why can’t I drink? You do! I need more condoms. I’m not going to church; it’s boring. Is this all I’m getting for Christmas?

Here’s some advice for the parents who allow their kids to be sexually active. I apologize, in advance for the sarcasm, but it’s the only way to get through to some people.

Purchase the condoms yourself and store them at room temperature. If you have a daughter, put her on the birth control pill before she turns sixteen. For the love of God, don’t let your child have sex at someone’s party or in the back seat of a car. That’s much too risky. Insist, as in the well-publicized case of Jamie Lynn Spears, that she have sex at your house. In a nice, quiet bedroom with clean sheets on the bed. Light a few candles to create a romantic ambiance, and be sure to play some soft music. Next, purchase a biohazard waste bag for proper condom disposal and place this next to the bed. Make sure the two shower after their session. When the cognitive dissonance kicks in (and it will), justify what you’re doing with excuses like, Kids these days are different. They do as they please, and we can’t stop them. I’m just being a responsible parent by making these activities as safe as possible. Tell yourself that the parents who try to keep their children from having sex and from drinking are just deluding themselves. You know, deep down, that those kids are just as out of control as yours.

Of course, these suggestions are so insulting to informed and ethical parents, I’m almost embarrassed to write them. Yet, there are aspects of the list that speak volumes about some people’s attitudes toward raising their kids. And consider this: their kids, at some future date, may be seeking out your kids for sexual activity— with their parents’ blessings, in fact.

So what’s the answer to protecting our kids? Let’s start with morals, education, self-discipline and a high-achieving attitude. Kilpatrick, in his book Why Johnny Can’t Tell Right From Wrong, shows us that high-achieving students (Who’s Who Among America’s High School Students), at a clip of 73%, had not engaged in sexual intercourse.⁶ Apparently these kids are disciplined (as evidenced by their grades), they know where they’re going, they’ve mapped out their future, and they’re not going to let anything (and that includes getting pregnant or acquiring sexually transmitted diseases) get in their way. Again Kilpatrick shows us that, in Japan (certainly a high achieving culture), just 17% of non-married girls under the age of twenty had had sexual intercourse, compared with the 65% rate of American girls.⁷

It would behoove American parents to develop and nurture a high-achieving attitude in each one of their children. Incidentally, that does not include how many parties one can attend in a summer, how many different sex partners they can bed before they graduate or even how many beers they can down on a Saturday night. That’s simply moronic.

And, for heaven’s sake, start the life lessons early. Very early. If brats are trained so effectively starting at a young age, why can’t we do the same with responsible kids? We should not wait until our kids have reached the age of puberty to talk to them about sex or drugs. We need to hammer home, at every possible opportunity, respect, decency, modesty and how to face down peer pressure. An educated and ethical teen is worth his weight in gold. He’s worth more than a hundred condoms rolled into one—worth more than all of the birth control strategies combined. No birth control method, no anti-STD product on the market today can fully match wits with a dangerous germ or virus. However, our teenagers, armed with education, wisdom, self-discipline and morals are more than a match for any bug, germ or virus. They’re more than a match for anyone peddling drugs or alcohol. In fact, it’s not even a contest.

And the passive parent? The parent who cannot say ‘no’ to their kids? The parent who claims that safety is their highest priority; therefore, they will allow their kids to do almost anything as long as it’s under their supervision? The parent who has taken the easy way out, and failed to instill morals, common sense or self-discipline?

Good luck.

Just don’t be surprised when the roof caves in.