Читать книгу Chicago Stories - Growing Up In the Windy City - Thomas Walsh - Страница 5

Tim was raised a Roman Catholic, but like many adults he had drifted away from the Church. He was what the diehard Catholics referred to an “etcetera” (etc.). He only went to mass on Easter, Thanksgiving and Christmas. When he did attend mass he enjoyed watching the altar boys and now occasionally girls. He frequently reminisced about the many masses he had served and the time when…

There was never a question in Tim’s mind that he would be an altar boy at Our Lady of Lourdes Church. Both his brothers had served as altar boys. He attended Our Lady of Lourdes School across the street from the church on the corner of Ashland and Leland. Tim was a good student. He was viewed favorably by the nuns who ran the school, choir and altar boys. The nuns were from the Order - Sisters of Charity of the Blessed Virgin Mary, or “BVM’s” as they were usually referred to. The 7^th and 8^th graders at Lourdes said “BVM’s” really stood for Black Veiled Monsters. When Tim entered 5^th grade at Lourdes he signed up to be an altar boy, and was accepted without question by the nuns.

As a young child, Tim knew he lived in Our Lady of Lourdes Parish before he understood his home was also in the City of Chicago. Lourdes was a place his older brothers and sister went to school. His sister dressed in a plaid jumper and his brothers in dark pants, white shirts and navy blue ties. On Sunday his family would go to Lourdes for mass.

The huge yellow brick edifice on the corner of Leland and Ashland was a symbol of power and authority. The interior of the church was awesome and intimidating. Row upon row of pews led up to the main altar in a vast sanctuary situated under a huge dome. The interior was brightly painted in gold, light blue and white. Light blue and white are the colors associated with the Virgin Mary. During mass Tim always spent time staring at the white marble statues of the Virgin Mary and St. Joseph, and the Stations of the Cross along the walls on both sides of the church. When the massive organ in the choir loft played, or the choir sang Tim would turn around to gaze up at the loft. When he did this, he always held onto his mother’s leg so he didn’t lose his balance.

The Monsignor and three priests of the parish lived in the rectory building. It was connected to the church by a door that opened into the sacristy. The sacristy was two rooms behind the sanctuary connected by a narrow hallway. The room on the left side of the church was where the altar boys put on their cassocks and chasubles before services. The other sacristy room on the right side of the church was where the priests put on their vestments. It also had a large walk-in safe where sacred and valuable articles such as chalices, crosses and incense burners used in worship services were stored for safe keeping.

The rectory was a plain building with a stone front and large wooden door. Tim never saw people go in or out of the rectory, but he knew the priests lived there. He heard his brothers and parents talk about the priests in hushed tones of respect. During mass the priests were solemn and stone faced, almost as if they were encased in the vestments they wore. They were the complete opposite after mass greeting parishioners, or on the rare occasion when you met a priest on the street in his dress street clothes- a black suit with a white collar and a black hat. Then they were friendly, smiling and made cordial small talk, always asking if everything was alright.

Altar boys were exposed to the human side of the priests like few others. They learned about each priest’s personality; the real person lurking below the surface that occasionally appeared in brief flashes of joy, sadness or anger. Each priest had a unique style of performing mass and other services. Altar boys were expected to learn each priest’s style so the services would flow smoothly. Failure to do so incurred the wrath of the priests. The priests rarely disciplined altar boys directly, however. Worse, they complained to the nuns! The nuns who respected and feared the priests usually knee-jerk reacted; swiftly and sometimes violently disciplining the altar boys.

Father Cochran was the altar boys’ favorite priest. He was friendly and easy going. After mass he often hung out at Sheets, a small store across Leland from the church. He smoked cigarettes, drank cokes, and read the Tribune in between chatting with people in the store. He was a heavy-set, younger man with black hair and a perpetual five o’clock shadow.

Despite his easy-going nature, Father Cochran always seemed to be in a hurry when he said mass. He could recite the Confiteor faster than any person on earth. When he served communion it was always a race to keep up with him as he rushed down from the altar to the communion rail. During the consecration, Father Cochran liked just a drop of water poured in his chalice by the altar boys, followed by all the wine in the cruet. The other priests wanted just the opposite with more water and a few drops of wine.

One morning Tim and another boy served 6:15 mass with Father Cochran as the celebrant. Father Cochran seemed his usual hurried self, rushing through the service. At communion though, the worst of all possible accidents happened. Father Cochran spun around from the altar to race down to the communion rail when he tripped and fell down the altar stairs. All of the consecrated hosts in his chalice flew out, landing on the rug at the foot of the altar. A hush fell over the church. The parishioners coming up for communion froze in place. Time stood still.

Father Cochran stood up and stared in disbelief at the dozens of hosts scattered on the rug. Perspiration formed on his brow as he considered what to do next. After a few moments that seemed like an eternity, he returned to the altar and took another chalice full of consecrated hosts. Father Cochran carefully skirted the rug at the foot of the altar to finish communion.

When mass was over he took off his vestments and returned to the sanctuary with an empty chalice. He knelt and carefully picked up each host, held it over his chalice and ate each and every one. He went back to the rectory and returned with a pail of water and a cloth. He knelt again and hand washed the entire rug. Parishioners from the 6:15 mass as well as those coming in for the 7:30 mass watched in shocked disbelief. The pail, water and cloth were incinerated when he was finished. The rest of the masses scheduled for that morning were cancelled.

Rumors quickly spread about the terrible accident and the humiliation suffered by Father Cochran. Monsignor O’Malley was said to have been furious with Father Cochran. The nuns spoke in hushed whispers and pretended like nothing had happened. After the accident Father Cochran slowed down and did not rush through a mass again at Lourdes. A year or so later he left the parish to be a chaplain in the Army. Some people said he was just not cut out to be a parish priest.

Several of Tim’s classmates were also altar boys including two of his friends. Ron was smaller than most of the altar boys, but he was an all-around athlete. He always wanted everyone to like him. If he sensed someone was mad at him or didn’t like him he would cling to that person like fly paper until they were friendly toward him or acted like they were. Ron was a boy that was slow to grow out of the fascination with farting. Most boys moved beyond recreational farting when they began to notice girls. Not Ron! He could fart at will and laughed himself silly whenever he let one rip. John was a big pudgy kid like Tim. He was a great baseball player. He played catcher. When there was a foul pop fly anywhere near home plate nothing could stop John from reaching it except a fence or wall. He was quiet and shy otherwise, but he had a good sense of humor. When something struck John as funny he broke out in giggles that usually progressed to uncontrollable laughter, often ending with tears in his eyes.

Tim, Ron and John were assigned a funeral service on a Saturday morning. Funerals like weddings presented an opportunity for tips for the priest and the altar boys, so the boys were happy to serve the mass. Three altar boys were needed for the service because it was customary for the priest to meet the casket in the vestibule of the church in a cortege led by one altar boy carrying a large cross and two others carrying a tall candle each in a heavy candle holder. Later in the service the altar boy who carried the cross also assisted the priest with the incense burner during the blessing of the casket.

When the altar boys arrived at the sacristy to dress for the service they were all in a playful mood. They teased and joked with each other and naturally Ron served up a couple of farts drawing laughs from all three boys. Father Collins, the youngest of the priests walked in from the rectory on his way to dress in the sacristy on the other side of the altar. He stopped to chat with the boys. With a warm and smiling way he gently reminded the boys that rowdy behavior was not appropriate in the sacristy and especially on a solemn occasion of a funeral. The boys took the good natured scolding in stride.

Father Collins was friendly and likeable. He was a very handsome man with a chiseled face, dark eyes and jet black hair. He had the natural qualities of a leader. There were rumors that he might succeed Monsignor O’Malley or even move up to the Chancery Office at the Archdiocese.

The funeral service began smoothly. There was a large group of mourners -a Hispanic family had lost a grandfather. Several generations of extended family dressed in dark suits and dresses, the women with black veils over their faces, many crying softly and dabbing their eyes with handkerchiefs, filled the front of the church. After the sermon Father Collins nodded to Tim to get the incense burner from the sacristy for the blessing of the casket. Tim brought the incense burner out to the altar. Ron and John fell in behind him with the candle holders. Ron farted and snickered at John. John resisted looking over at Ron because he knew if he started giggling he might totally lose it.

Despite his best efforts, a smile began to creep across John’s face. He made the fatal mistake of looking over at Ron. Ron had been watching John intently. When he saw him respond he worked up another, louder fart. That was too much for John. He began to giggle loudly, which brought a wide grin to Ron’s face. He was happy knowing that John was his buddy for sure.

Father Collins heard the commotion at the bottom of the altar as he turned to head down to bless the casket.

He cast a quick quizzical look at the altar boys that said, “I don’t know what is going on, but it better stop right now!”

Tim stole a look back at Ron and John. He saw that they were on the verge of bursting out laughing. Father Collins was already opening the gate in the communion rail so Tim had no choice but to rush forward to catch up. Ron and John followed, quieting down in the rush. They stood on opposite sides of the casket in the main aisle facing each other while Father Collins and Tim went through the ritual of blessing the casket with the incense burner.

Facing each other was too much for Ron and John. After looking everywhere but at each other, their eyes finally met. John burst out laughing. Father halted the blessing in midsentence. He looked in shocked disbelief at John and Ron, who dissolved into uncontrollable laughter on either side of the casket. Tim glanced around the church at the mourners. They stood in dead-still silence with frozen expressions of horror and sadness. Father snapped to and finished the prayer. He moved back up the aisle to the altar pushing John in front of him and motioning for Ron to follow. Tim brought up the rear in a hasty retreat to the altar.

Father Collins herded the altar boys into the sacristy. His usual calm and cool demeanor was gone. He was very angry. In as controlled a voice as he could muster, he told Ron and John that they would not be needed for the rest of the service.

“Go change and leave now! I had better not hear a peep out of you. Sister Mary Rose will hear about your deplorable behavior.”

John and Ron, who had stopped laughing and snickering on the walk back to the altar stood with eyes downcast; fear and apprehension written on their faces.

Almost in unison they said, “Yes Father. Sorry Father. We didn’t mean it Father.”

Father Collins raised his arm and pointed for them to leave.

“Go. I have no time for this. I need to finish the funeral service.”

Ron and John slunk off with their eyes glued to the floor fearful of the punishment they would receive from Sister Mary Rose.

The following Monday at school John and Ron were called to Sister Mary Rose’s office. When they returned their eyes were swollen from tears. Sister’s voice could be heard down the hall yelling at them for their “heathen behavior”. They were kicked out of altar boys. Worse, they had to return the next day with their parents to apologize to Father Collins.

Ron and John were told to stay away from each other in school and church to prevent a recurrence of their intolerable behavior. Ron was forbidden to make any more bodily noises. He was never heard farting again.

After the episode with Ron and John, Tim was assigned to services with some other classmates and underclassmen. The younger altar boys were hazed and harassed by the older boys. A time honored ritual. Tim and his classmates took special perverse pleasure in making life miserable for a boy named Bob. Bob was an average looking kid. There was nothing obvious about him that piqued the older boys’ interest in harassing him. What fed the frenzy to make Bob suffer was his unabashed sucking up to the nuns and priests, especially when it resulted in him being chosen for a special service over an older altar boy.

Bob learned his irritating behavior from his parents. They were wealthy people living in a lower middle class parish. They flaunted their fine clothing and jewelry before and after mass. They enjoyed the attention of the nuns and priests, who were well aware of their generous donations and special gifts at Christmas and Easter. Bob’s parents cultivated the friendship of the priests and nuns. They were not bashful to seek favors in return.

Tim and two other boys from his class, George and Joe, were assigned a Saturday wedding. They were surprised to see Bob was the fourth server when they arrived at the sacristy to change. The upper classmen pushed Bob around a bit to make sure he knew who was in charge. Bob whined and resisted a little, but he shut up as soon as Father Mullen came in from the rectory to change.

Father Mullen was the least popular of the priests with the altar boys. He was not friendly. Father Mullen seemed to always find fault with something the altar boys did. He was a big physical man who never seemed to smile. Tim had seen him deliberately push altar boys when they were in his way, or did not move fast enough to suit him. The boys gave Father Mullen a wide berth. Whenever he asked for anything they always answered “Yes Father” in the blink of an eye.

The wedding was a joyous occasion. The bride was beautiful and the groom was beaming. The church was awash in flowers. Families dressed in their Sunday best filled both sides of the aisle. After the service the Best Man popped into the sacristy to leave an envelope for Father and a crisp five dollar bill for each of the boys. This made the boys very happy, so that even after Father Mullen told them they had to stay and straighten up the sacristy their spirits were still high.

Straightening up the sacristy after a service included putting sacred objects, unused wine and unconsecrated hosts back in the walk-in safe. Usually the priest who celebrated the service assigned an altar boy to see that the safe was closed and locked when they were done. Normally, the boy selected was an upper classman like Tim, but today Father Mullen picked Bob; probably because he knew Bob’s parents. This was not well received by Tim, George and Joe. But, they knew better than to question Father Mullen.

After Father Mullen returned to the rectory, the older boys turned on Bob. They pushed and shoved and tripped him as they went back and forth straightening up the sacristy and returning items to the safe.

He was called all sorts of names – “suck-up”, “kiss-ass”, “mamma’s- boy”.

When they were done cleaning up Tim, George and Joe pushed Bob back and forth between them. Somehow Bob was pushed into the safe, and without thinking Tim slammed the door shut.

A muffled scream came from the safe, “Let me out of here”.

The older boys all laughed and taunted Bob, threatening to leave him in the safe. Bob begged and pleaded and began to cry. Realizing that they had had enough fun, Tim turned the handle to let Bob out. But, the safe did not open!

Tim jiggled the handle without success. George and Joe each tried but failed. Behind the door Bob sobbed uncontrollably. Somehow the tumbler in the lock had moved when the door was slammed. It should not have happened but it did! The three older boys looked at each other at a loss as to what to do.

After exchanging expressions of fear - “Oh shit”, “What are we going to do now”, “Father is going to kill us”, Tim finally came up with a plan.

All three of them would go the rectory and tell Father Mullen that Bob had accidentally locked himself in the safe. Bob pulled the door shut to see what it was like in the safe, and somehow it locked behind him. The boys got Bob to stop sobbing long enough to hear the plan. They told him he had better go along with the story or they would get even with him. In between blubbering and gasping to catch his breath Bob said he agreed. The boys made him swear to it.

He sniffled, “I swear”.

Tom, George and Joe went to the rectory door on the other side of the sacristy and knocked quietly. After a few minutes they knocked again. The door finally opened to reveal Mrs. Connor, a kindly old lady who cooked and kept house for the priests.

“What is it boys?” she asked.

Tim spoke up, “We need to speak with Father Mullen.”

“Can I tell him what this about?” she said.

Tim looked around at George and Joe and said, “There is a problem in the sacristy that he needs to take a look at,” said Tim.

“Well I’ll see if he is available. Just wait here.” She closed the door. Her steps faded as she walked away.

A short time later Father Mullen opened the door and stepped into the doorway towering over them. He had a scowl on his face.

“What is it boys? I’m very busy.”

Almost in unison the three boys told the agreed story tripping over each other, repeating one another in disjointed phrases – “He wanted to see what it was like.” “He didn’t mean any harm.” “The door locked by accident.”

Father Mullen’s eyes grew wide and his face contorted in anger. He pushed past them almost knocking them down like three bowling pins.

Father strode quickly down the hall to the other sacristy. The boys followed at a distance. He walked up to the safe without saying a word to Bob inside and quickly entered the combination in the lock. He turned the handle and swung the door open. Bob cowered in the back of the safe about three feet in from the door.

Father reached in and yanked Bob out of the safe pushing him to the far wall of the sacristy where the three older boys stood in fear of what would happen next.

Standing within inches of the boys, Father walked from one boy to the next slapping each upside the head with his giant strong hand.

“I don’t know what happened, and I don’t care. Don’t ever let me catch you doing something stupid like this again.”

He turned and went back to the rectory.

The boys, sniffling and afraid, quickly changed and left the church. They wondered what punishment would await them Monday from Sister Mary Rose.

Monday came and went with no word from Sister. Days and weeks went by and still nothing. The boys kept their story to themselves. They decided that Father Mullen handled discipline issues his own way. He showed no recrimination but was not friendly either. He was just himself. Tim continued to serve masses, weddings and funerals with Father Mullen until he graduated from Our Lady of Lourdes and was no longer an altar boy.