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Chapter IV

First Communion and Confirmation

While describing this visit to the Carmel, my thoughts are carried back to the first one I paid after Pauline entered. On the morning of that happy day, I wondered what name would be given to me later on. I knew that there was already a Sister Teresa of Jesus; nevertheless, my beautiful name of Thérèse could not be taken from me. Suddenly I thought of the Child Jesus whom I loved so dearly, and I felt how much I would like to be called Teresa of the Child Jesus. I was careful not to tell you of my wish, dear Mother, yet you said to me in the middle of our conversation: “When you come to us, little one, you will be called ‘Teresa of the Child Jesus.’” My joy was great indeed. This happy coincidence of thought seemed a special favor from the Holy Child.

So far I have not said anything about my love for pictures and books, and yet I owe some of the happiest and strongest impressions that have encouraged me in the practice of virtue to the beautiful pictures Pauline used to show me. Everything was forgotten while looking at them. For instance, “The Little Flower of the Divine Prisoner” suggested so many thoughts that I would remain gazing at it in a kind of ecstasy. I offered myself to Our Lord to be His Little Flower; I longed to console Him, to draw as near as possible to the Tabernacle, to be looked on, cared for, and gathered by Him.

As I was of no use at games, I preferred to spend all my time in reading. Happily for me, I had visible guardian angels to guide me in this matter; they chose books suitable to my age that interested me and at the same time provided food for my thoughts and affections. I was allowed only a limited time for this favorite recreation, and it became an occasion of much self-sacrifice — for as soon as the time had elapsed I made it my duty to stop instantly, even in the middle of a most interesting passage.

As to the impressions produced on me by these books, I must frankly admit that, in reading certain tales of chivalry, I did not always understand the realities of life. And so, in my admiration of the patriotic deeds of the heroines of France, especially of the Venerable Joan of Arc, I longed to do what they had done. About this time I received what I have looked on as one of the greatest graces of my life; for, at that age, I was not favored with lights from heaven, as I am now.

Our Lord made me understand that the only true glory is that which lasts forever; and that to attain it there is no need to perform brilliant deeds, but rather to hide from the eyes of others — and even from oneself — so that “the left hand knows not what the right hand does” (cf. Mt 6:3). Then, as I reflected that I was born for great things, and sought the means to attain them, it was made known to me interiorly that my personal glory would never reveal itself before the eyes of men, but would consist in becoming a saint.

This aspiration may very well appear rash, seeing how imperfect I was — and am even now, after so many years of religious life. Yet I still feel the same daring confidence that one day I will become a great saint. I am not trusting in my own merits, for I have none; but I trust in Him Who is Virtue and Holiness itself. It is He alone Who, pleased with my feeble efforts, will raise me to Himself and, by clothing me with His merits, make me a saint. At that time I did not realize that to become one it is necessary to suffer a great deal — but God soon disclosed this secret to me by means of the trials I have related.

I must now continue my story where I left off. Three months after my cure, Papa took me away for a change. It was a very pleasant time, and I began to see something of the world. All around me was joy and gladness; I was petted, made much of, admired — in fact, for a whole fortnight my path was strewn with flowers. The Wise Man is right when he says, “The bewitching of vanity overturneth the innocent mind” (Ws 4:12). At ten years of age the heart is easily fascinated, and I confess that in my case this kind of life had its charms. Alas, the world knows well how to combine its pleasures with the service of God! How little it thinks of death! And yet death has come to many people I knew then — young, rich, and happy. I recall the delightful places where they lived, and ask myself where they are now, and what profit they derive today from the beautiful houses and grounds where I saw them enjoying all the good things of this life; and I reflect that “All is vanity besides loving God and serving Him alone.”¹³

Perhaps Our Lord wished me to know something of the world before He paid His first visit to my soul, so that I might choose more deliberately the way in which I was to follow Him.

I will always remember my First Communion day as one of unclouded happiness. It seems to me that I could not have been better prepared. Do you remember, dear Mother, the charming little book you gave me three months before the great day? I found in it a helpful method that prepared me gradually and thoroughly. It is true I had been thinking about my First Communion for a long time, but, as your precious manuscript told me, I must stir up in my heart fresh transports of love and fill it anew with flowers. So each day I made a number of little sacrifices and acts of love that were to be changed into so many flowers: now violets, another time roses, then cornflowers, daisies, or forget-me-nots — in a word, all nature’s blossoms were to form in me a cradle for the Holy Child.

I had Marie, too, who took Pauline’s place. Every evening I spent a long time with her, listening eagerly to all she said. How delightfully she talked to me! I felt myself set on fire by her noble, generous spirit. As the warriors of old trained their children in the profession of arms, so she trained me for the battle of life, and roused my ardor by pointing to the victor’s glorious palm. She spoke too of the imperishable riches that are so easy to amass each day, and of the folly of trampling them underfoot when one has but to stoop and gather them. When she talked so eloquently, I was sorry that I was the only one to listen to her teaching; for, in my simplicity, it seemed to me that the greatest sinners would be converted if they but heard her, and that, forsaking the perishable riches of this world, they would seek none but the riches of heaven.

I would have liked at this time to practice mental prayer, but Marie, finding me sufficiently devout, only let me say my vocal prayers. A mistress at the Abbey asked me once what I did on holidays, when I stayed at home. I answered timidly: “I often hide myself in a corner of my room where I can shut myself in with the bed curtains, and then I think.” “But what do you think about?” asked the good nun, laughing. “I think about the Good God, about the shortness of life, and about eternity: in a word, I think.” My mistress did not forget this, and later on she used to remind me of the time when I thought, asking me if I still thought. Now I know that I was really praying, while my Divine Master gently instructed me.

The three months’ preparation for First Communion passed quickly by; it was soon time for me to begin my retreat, and during it I stayed at the Abbey. Oh, what a blessed retreat it was! I do not think one can experience such joy except in a religious house; there, with only a few children, it is easy for each one to receive special attention. I write this in a spirit of filial gratitude: our mistresses at the Abbey showed us a true motherly affection. I do not know why, but I saw plainly that they watched over me more carefully than they did the others.

Every night the first mistress, carrying her little lamp, opened my bed-curtains softly and kissed me tenderly on the forehead. She showed me such affection that, touched by her kindness, I said one night: “Mother, I love you so much that I am going to tell you a great secret.” Then I took from under my pillow the precious little book you had given me and showed it to her, my eyes sparkling with pleasure. She opened it with care and, looking through it attentively, told me how privileged I was. In fact, several times during the retreat the truth came home to me that very few motherless children of my age are as lovingly cared for as I was then.

I listened most attentively to the instructions given us by Father Domin and wrote careful notes on them; but I did not put down any of my own thoughts, as I knew I would remember them quite well. And so it proved.

How happy I was to attend Divine Office as the nuns did! I was easily distinguished from my companions by a large crucifix that Léonie had given me, and which, like the missionaries, I carried in my belt. They thought I was trying to imitate my Carmelite sister, and indeed my thoughts did often turn lovingly to her. I knew she was in retreat too — not that Jesus might give Himself to her, but that she might give herself entirely to Jesus — and this on the same day as I made my First Communion. The time of quiet waiting was therefore doubly dear to me.

At last there dawned the most beautiful day of all the days of my life. How perfectly I remember even the smallest details of those sacred hours! — the joyful awakening, the reverent and tender embraces of my mistresses and older companions, the room filled with snow-white frocks in which each child was dressed in turn, and, above all, our entrance into the chapel and the melody of the morning hymn: “O Altar of God, where the angels are hovering.”

But I would not and could not tell you all. Some things lose their fragrance when exposed to the air; so too, one’s inmost thoughts cannot be translated into earthly words without instantly losing their deep and heavenly meaning. How sweet was the first embrace of Jesus! It was indeed an embrace of love. I felt that I was loved, and I said: “I love Thee, and I give myself to Thee forever.” Jesus asked nothing of me and claimed no sacrifice; for a long time He and little Thérèse had known and understood each other. That day our meeting was more than simple recognition: it was perfect union. We were no longer two. Thérèse had disappeared like a drop of water lost in the immensity of the ocean; Jesus alone remained — He was the Master, the King! Had not Thérèse asked Him to take away her liberty, which frightened her? She felt herself so weak and frail that she wished to be forever united to the Divine Strength.

And then my joy became so intense, so deep, that it could not be restrained; tears of happiness welled up and overflowed. My companions were astonished, and asked each other afterward: “Why did she cry? Had she anything on her conscience? No, it is because neither her mother nor her dearly loved Carmelite sister is here.” And no one understood that all the joy of heaven had come down into one heart, and that this heart — exiled, weak, and mortal as it was — could not contain it without tears.

How could my mother’s absence grieve me on my First Communion day? As heaven itself dwelt in my soul, in receiving a visit from Our Divine Lord I received one from my dear mother too. Nor was I crying on account of Pauline’s absence, for we were even more closely united than before. No, I repeat it — joy alone, a joy too deep for words, overflowed within me.

During the afternoon I read the act of consecration to Our Lady for myself and my companions. I was chosen probably because I had been deprived of my earthly mother while still so young. With all my heart I consecrated myself to the Blessed Virgin Mary and asked her to watch over me. She seemed to look lovingly on her Little Flower and to smile at her again, and I thought of the visible smile which had once cured me, and of all I owed her. Had she not herself, on the morning of that eighth day of May, placed in the garden of my soul her Son Jesus — “the flower of the field and the lily of the valleys” (Cant [Sg, RSV] 2:1)?

On the evening of this happy day, Papa and I went to the Carmel and I saw Pauline, now become the Spouse of Christ. She wore a white veil like mine and a crown of roses. My joy was unclouded, for I hoped soon to join her, and at her side to wait for heaven.

I was pleased with the feast prepared for me at home and was delighted with the beautiful watch given to me by Papa. My happiness was perfect, and nothing troubled the inward peace of my soul. Night came, and so ended that beautiful day. Even the brightest days are followed by darkness; one alone will know no setting — the day of the First and Eternal Communion in our true Home. Somehow the next day seemed sorrowful. The pretty clothes and the presents I had received could not satisfy me. Henceforth Our Lord alone could fill my heart, and all I longed for was the blissful moment when I would receive Him again.

I made my second Communion on Ascension Day, and had the happiness of kneeling at the rails between Papa and Marie. My tears flowed with inexpressible sweetness; I kept repeating those words of Saint Paul: “I live, now not I; but Christ liveth in me” (Gal 2:20). After this second visit of Our Lord I longed for nothing else but to receive Him. Alas, the feasts seemed so far apart!

On the eve of these happy days Marie helped me to prepare, as she had done for my First Communion. I remember once she spoke of suffering and said that in all probability, instead of making me walk by this road, God in His goodness would carry me always like a little child. Her words came into my mind next day after my Communion; my heart became inflamed with an ardent desire for suffering, and I felt convinced that many crosses were in store for me. Then my soul was flooded with such consolation as I have never since experienced. Suffering became attractive, and I found in it charms that held me spellbound, though as yet I did not appreciate them to the full.

I had one other great wish: it was to love God only, and to find my joy in Him alone. During my thanksgiving after Holy Communion I often repeated this passage from The Imitation of Christ: “O my God, who art unspeakable sweetness, turn for me into bitterness all the consolations of earth.”¹⁴ These words rose to my lips quite naturally; I said them like a child who, without understanding well, repeats what a friend may suggest. Later on I will tell you, dear Mother, how Our Lord has been pleased to fulfill my desire; how He, and He alone, has always been my joy. But if I were to speak of it now I would have to pass on to my girlhood, and there is still much to tell you of my early days.

Soon after my First Communion I went into retreat again, before being confirmed. I prepared myself with the greatest care for the coming of the Holy Ghost; I could not understand anyone not doing so before receiving this Sacrament of Love. As the ceremony could not take place on the day fixed, I had the consolation of remaining somewhat longer in retreat. How happy I felt! Like the Apostles, I looked with joy for the promised Comforter, gladdened by the thought that I would soon be a perfect Christian and have the holy Cross, the symbol of this wondrous Sacrament, traced upon my forehead for eternity. I did not feel the mighty wind of the first Pentecost, but rather the gentle breeze that the prophet Elias heard on Mount Horeb. On that day I received the gift of fortitude in suffering — a gift I needed sorely, for the martyrdom of my soul was soon to begin.

When these delightful feasts, which can never be forgotten, were over, I had to resume my life as a day student at the Abbey. I made good progress with my lessons, and remembered easily the sense of what I read, but I had the greatest difficulty in learning by heart — only at catechism were my efforts crowned with success. The Chaplain called me his little “Doctor of Theology,”¹⁵ no doubt because of my name, Thérèse.

During recreation I often gave myself up to serious thoughts, while from a distance I watched my companions at play. This was my favorite occupation, but I had another that gave me real pleasure. I would search carefully for any poor little birds that had fallen dead under the big trees, and then I buried them with great ceremony, all in the same cemetery, in a special grass plot. Sometimes I told stories to my companions, and often even the big girls came to listen; but soon our mistress, very rightly, brought my career as an orator to an end, saying she wanted us to exercise our bodies and not our brains. At this time I chose as friends two little girls of my own age; but how shallow are the hearts of creatures! One of them had to stay at home for some months; while she was away I thought about her very often, and on her return I showed how pleased I was. However, all I got was a glance of indifference — my friendship was not appreciated. I felt this very keenly, and I no longer sought an affection that had proved so inconstant. Nevertheless, I still love my little school friend, and continue to pray for her, for God has given me a faithful heart, and when once I love, I love forever.

Observing that some of the girls were very devoted to one or other of the mistresses, I tried to imitate them, but I never succeeded in winning special favor. O happy failure, from how many evils have you saved me! I am most thankful to Our Lord that He let me find only bitterness in earthly friendships. With a heart like mine, I would have been taken captive and had my wings clipped, and how then would I have been able to “fly away and be at rest” (Ps 54[55]:7)?

How can a heart given up to human affections be closely united to God? It seems to me that it is impossible. I have seen so many souls, allured by this false light, fly right into it like poor moths and burn their wings; and then return, wounded, to Our Lord, the Divine fire which burns and does not consume. I know well that Our Lord saw I was too weak to be exposed to temptation; for, without doubt, had the deceitful light of created love dazzled my eyes I would have been entirely consumed. Where strong souls find joy and practice detachment faithfully, I found only bitterness. No merit, then, is due to me for not having given myself up to these frail ties, since I was preserved from them only by the Mercy of God. I fully realized that without Him I should have fallen as low as Saint Mary Magdalen, and the Divine Master’s words reechoed sweetly in my soul. Yes, I know that “to whom less is forgiven, he loveth less” (Lk 7:47), but I know too that Our Lord has forgiven me more than Saint Mary Magdalen. Here is an example that will, at any rate, show you some of my thoughts.

Let us suppose that the son of a very clever doctor, stumbling over a stone on the road, falls and breaks his leg. His father hastens to him, lifts him lovingly, and binds up the fractured limb, using all his skill. The son, when cured, displays the utmost gratitude, and he has excellent reason for doing so. But let us take another supposition.

The father, aware that a dangerous stone lies in his son’s path, removes it beforehand, unseen by anyone. The son, thus tenderly cared for, not knowing of the mishap from which his father’s hand has saved him, naturally will not show him any gratitude, and will love him less than if he had cured him of a grievous wound. But suppose he heard the whole truth — would he not in that case love him still more? Well now, I am this child, the object of the foreseeing love of a Father Who did not send His son “to call the just, but sinners to penance” (Lk 5:32). He wishes me to love Him because He has forgiven me, not much, but everything. Without waiting for me to love Him much, as Saint Mary Magdalen did, He has made me understand how He has loved me with an ineffable love and forethought, so that now my love may know no bounds.

I had often heard it said, both in retreats and elsewhere, that He is more deeply loved by repentant souls than by those who have not lost their baptismal innocence. Ah! If I could but give the lie to those words.

But I have wandered so far from my subject that I hardly know where to begin again. It was during the retreat before my second Communion that I was attacked by the terrible disease of scruples. One must have passed through this martyrdom to understand it. It would be quite impossible for me to tell you what I suffered for nearly two years. All my thoughts and actions, even the simplest, were a source of trouble and anguish to me. I had no peace till I had told Marie everything — and this was most painful, since I imagined I was obliged to tell absolutely all my thoughts, even the most extravagant. As soon as I had unburdened myself I felt a momentary peace, but it passed like a flash, and my martyrdom began again. Many an occasion for patience did I provide for my dear sister.

That year we spent a fortnight of our holidays at the seaside. My aunt, who always showed us such motherly care, treated us to all possible pleasures — donkey rides, shrimping, and the rest. She even spoiled us in the matter of clothes. I remember one day she gave me some pale blue ribbon; although I was twelve and a half, I was still such a child that I quite enjoyed tying it in my hair. But this childish pleasure seemed sinful to me, and I had so many scruples that I had to go to confession, even at Trouville.