Читать книгу The Adventures of My Cousin Smooth - Timothy Templeton - Страница 13

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"As Uncle Sam is equally careless of his language and cash, he will excuse a crooked beginning and accept a straight ending. Contemplating my crooked dream I confess I waked up without a straight idea in my head. The fact was, I was waked up with such an incomprehensible jingling, ringing, rumbling, and gonging, that I mistook its purport, and thought the Russians were bombarding the house. I was about looking out of the window to see if the White House was all safe, when a negro with a countenance blacker than vengeance protruded his fizzy head into the door, and without a morsel of knocking commenced grinning. 'Anything wanted for Major Smooth?' inquires he; and without waiting for an answer, catches up the bed, Smooth and all the fixins, and set them somewhat aside. 'Not so fast, Cuff!' said I; 'Smooth is no Major—plain Mister Smooth from the Cape.'

"'Lor, Mas'r' replied the negro, interrupting me; 'when in Washington t'wont do to be a mite less than a Major-General. Every man what come to dis city widout his title better come widout himself. Our clerk what stand at the hogany counter be a General—Jones, the ostler, be a Colonel; and Wilkes what keep the oyster shop ober yonder be a Major! As for Captains, they are as thick and of as little use as blackbirds. Will you take somethin?' The sagacious negro bowed, and waited for a reply. I told him that being invited to a fish breakfast with the General at the 'White House,' I would forbear to liquor until I had made my bow.

"'S'pose you'll take the customary gin cock-tail, Mr. Smooth?' the negro rejoined, with an anxious air. Evincing my surprise at such a proposition, I assured him I did not know its meaning. 'Don't know what it is!' he exclaimed, with a deep sigh. 'A very fashionable drink,' he continued; 'gemmen what see de General, and study national affairs, all take some on em in da mornin.'

"'Now, Cuff,' I rejoined, 'just tell the truth; you mean that in order to keep the dignity up, it is necessary to take something stiff in the mornin?'

"'Dat him, mas'r,' says he in reply, accompanying it with a broad guffaw. 'When mas'r bin to de White House, and seem serious, as if he ain't got what he want, he put a cock-tail down to make de glorious come up; it be a great anecdote for what mas'r call de blues.' The interpretation of what the negro said was that it made a man feel as if he had the best office in Mr. Pierce's gift safe in his pocket. Having a reasonable appreciation of a negro's statement, I consented on the ground of its good qualities—thus represented—to take a little. The negro left, but soon returned with it in his hand—all bittered and iced. Down it went, plump!—it cut away the cobwebs, made my inards fizzle, and the whole frame feel as lively as a bee-hive. The negro said it was good—and I said I reckoned. And then I 'turned out,' as they call it, broadside on. 'Great kingdom,' exclaimed the negro, giving me a slanting look from head to foot; 'why, mas'r, dey must a growed ye in a guano country.'

"'Cuff! don't be sassy,' I replied. And then he very good-naturedly commenced arranging my homespun. He fussed over me as if I were a mere substance to be transformed into anything Mr. Pierce might require. Then, to my utter astonishment, he apprised me of the fact of General Cass having carried off my boots and breeches—adding that it was a sort of mania with him, and for which he was not morally accountable. Then the negro began quizzing my person. One of my legs, he said, was hard shell, the other a soft shell; however, to reconcile the matter, he further added that the embodiment was exactly suited to Mr. Pierce's principles, inasmuch as he could go between—which he always aimed to do. He then said I must have pantaloons of the right stripe; because in Washington a man must look genteel, and have his understandings straight. It was no excuse that the General himself was an undecided Democrat; if he was round in some things, he was square in others—that is he was round in policy, and square in periods. The Negro said he did not look so much at the cut of the pantaloons as the quality of the cloth, and its tenacity for stretching—according to the expectations of the 'Young American' party.

"Upon this assurance, I ordered him to repair to the tailor's, which he did, and was not long in returning and bringing with him a pair of fashionables suited to the times. 'Great country,' said he, holding them before me and shaking his black sides with laughter. Into them I slid myself; the bottoms only reached a little below my knees. The negro, with eyes like astonished stars, set upon the straps, and such a tugging and pulling as there allowed! I began to think I was being pulled in two, (after the fashion of Mister Pierce's promises and performances), when Cato, (such was the negro's name), his face almost white with exertion, begged I would not be alarmed—that he would very soon get them all right! In another minute something went—pop! Simultaneously with the report was my head driven clean through the pine-board ceiling into a chamber unfortunately occupied by a lean old maid of some forty-seven summers. 'Good mornin, missus,' I said, trying to make a bow; 'hope I ain't intruding.' The old lady looked mighty streaked, and wouldn't be pacified, until I told her I was merely giving a few feats, just to illustrate the principles of the 'Young American' party. It's only Young America, ma'am, he's cutting the three figures of his sentiments, as made known by his particular stars—Soule, Saunders, and Sickles. Didn't intend to disturb you, my good woman,' says I. I wanted to seem polite—to put the very best foot forward; but it was to no earthly use. The old critter screamed, jumped out of the bed, and like a ghost shaking his cotton to the storm, ran away in dismay.

"'Good Christopher Columbus!' exclaimed the negro, almost bursting with fright. With this he commenced pulling and jerking at my legs, until, finding his efforts useless, he hastened down stairs and spread the alarm. Major Smooth was in an alarming situation!—'most dying!—would breathe his last!—warn't no help fo'h him!—must die, sartin!! Such a ringing and dinging of bells, such a tampering up stairs, such a puffing and blowing of excited citizens as followed, never was heard or seen before. Although in a tight place, I was neither alarmed nor crest fallen. Indeed, I thought I'd enjoin the old lady on the other side to enter upon the discussion of a political question, just by way of keeping up the characteristic sociability of the nation. Presently about a dozen dangerously excited faces presented themselves in the room. 'He's gone, certain,' says one; 'Major Smooth's a cold chicken,' mutters another; 'Young America's cutting a figure,' rejoins a third; 'he's only at rest while performing some overt act,' interposes a fourth. 'Much you know about it!' says I, cool as Labrador: 'I merely put my head through this ere place for the purpose of being friendly with this lone female lodger—pull me out!' In right good earnest they seized me by the boots, saying:—'Let us bring Young America into a respectable position;' and with the most unmerciful jerks they laid me measuring the floor. In no wise disconcerted, I picked myself up, and inquired if they had another strap to loan me. With the exception of Cato, the negro, they all enjoyed a good laugh; he had no sooner relieved me, than he commenced raising a fuss about my damaging the ceiling—never for once taking Mr. Smooth's head into consideration. Young America, he said, was always too fast—always getting into trouble and calling upon others to help him out.