Читать книгу The Billionaire's Christmas Wish - Tina Beckett - Страница 11
ОглавлениеSHE WASN’T IN her office.
Theo had knocked and then peeked into the small space before moving inside. He felt a little bit like an interloper, but figured he could as easily wait for her in here as go looking for her. The fact was, he was half-afraid of going to Ivy’s room and finding them in a cute little huddle like he had three days ago. Since then he’d forced himself to let Madison alone to do her work. If he hounded her every moment of every day, he would do more harm than good.
Or so he told himself. In reality, he wasn’t sure he was ready to face her after his panicked flight the last time. And he wasn’t sure why.
He dropped into one of the little chairs, wondering why her office was so spartan when most other doctors’ spaces were decked out with squashy leather chairs and the personal touches of its occupants.
It was because this hadn’t been an office at all. It had been a supplies cupboard, but it was all they’d had available, since the renovations on Dr. Camargo’s office were running behind schedule. But she hadn’t offered one word of complaint or acted like they’d set her in a place that was beneath her status. They were damned lucky to have someone like her, and Theo knew it.
He glanced at her desktop, finding it neat and mostly empty except for the stack of file folders on the left-hand side, at the top of which was Ivy’s chart. His fingers brushed across the cover, the temptation to open it coming and going. There was nothing in there that she wouldn’t have already told him. Then he spotted a small notebook. It was on the right side of the desk toward the back. He was almost sure that was the same notebook she’d tucked into her pocket after her tête-à-tête with Ivy. What was in it? Notes about the case?
No, she’d been scratching in that when he’d caught them giggling. They’d been making plans, Madison had said.
About Christmas.
The notebook was on her side of the desk, so he’d have to stretch across to reach it.
It’s not like it’s a personal diary, Theo.
And if it had anything to do with Ivy, didn’t he have a right to know what was in it?
His palm slid across the smooth wooden surface of the desk, and he had to lean slightly to reach it. His fingertips landed on the cover, preparing to drag the item toward him, when a slight breeze swept across his nape, sending the hairs rising in attention.
He pulled back in a hurry, turning to face whoever’d entered the room.
Damn.
It was Madison, and she’d caught him red-handed. Well, not really, since he hadn’t got a chance to crack the cover on that book.
“Theo, this is a surprise. Were you looking for me?” Her voice was slightly breathless, and she hurried around to the other side of the desk and opened a drawer, sweeping the offending item into it.
There was definitely something in there she didn’t want him to see. And that just made him want to look even more.
Dressed in a black cowl-necked sweater that hugged its way from her shoulders to the tops of her slender thighs, it set his senses on high alert. Just like the last time they had been together. He swallowed and tried to regroup and remember his reason for coming here. It certainly hadn’t been to ogle her.
“I was, actually. I wanted to know how Naomi fared with Ivy. She told me you changed tack a bit on her therapy. You’re no longer actively trying to get her to walk?”
“Not at the moment.” She dropped into her office chair and explained her reasoning pretty much the same way Naomi had described the plan to him. And he had to admit he agreed, even if it felt like they were giving ground to some hidden monster—one that was busy pulling a rope from the hidden safety of a screen. It might be out of sight but the effects were apparent to anyone watching the display. They couldn’t use brute force to overpower the lurker so they were simply trying to stop it from gaining traction.
“What’s our next step?”
“I’m not quite sure. The treatment team is meeting today. I’ll digest their findings later.”
“I’m aware of the meeting. So what are you bringing to the table?”
“Table? I’ve been to one or two of the meetings, but wasn’t planning on going to today’s.”
Theo’s heart chilled in an instant, even though he’d been the one to say she wasn’t required to go to them. “Reason?” Maybe this was where she conceded that she was giving up.
“I wasn’t invited.”
That made him sit back for a second. “You’re always invited. And they’ll want you there. I want you there. If you’re waiting for a formal, gold-foiled envelope to arrive on your desk, that probably isn’t going to happen.” He forced a smile he hoped reflected reassurance, although it certainly didn’t match what was churning around on the inside. What if she decided she wanted to focus on other cases and not spend the bulk of her time on Ivy anymore? Or, worse, what if she’d noticed the tugs of interest he’d felt—even just a minute or two ago—despite his efforts to sweep them under the rug and out of sight? Would she think he was using his position to try to pressure her to prioritize Ivy’s treatment above anyone else’s?
His instinct as a father was to do exactly that. Help his child in any way he could. Use whatever means he could.
And yet he knew he had to push all of that aside and hold tight to his professional ethics. He’d started this hospital as a way to help people. If he chucked that aside and gave anyone preferential treatment, he would be flying in the face of his convictions.
Madison pulled her hair to the side and let it flow over her shoulder, the golden highlights contrasting with the dark knit of her sweater. And there it was again. That tickle in his midsection that was wreaking havoc with his objectivity.
Dangerous territory. Yes, it was. And his earlier thoughts about her trespassing? If he was the one putting out the welcome mat, he could hardly accuse her of wandering where she wasn’t invited.
She leaned forward, some of those silky strands of hair brushing across the surface of her desk.
He swallowed again, trying to think of something to say to cover the moment. She beat him to it.
“I know this is going to sound strange, but I’ve been sending my findings to the group, and they’ve relayed any information they wanted me to have. It’s how I’ve always worked, even back at my own hospital in the States. I look at all the pieces and try to put them together to form a diagnosis. It’s hard for me to do that with a bunch of voices and emotions tangling with each other.”
Like the ones going round and round his head right now?
Maybe this was why she wasn’t getting on with one or two of the doctors at the hospital. He knew some of those sessions could get heated, with specialists vying for a chance to be heard, but Theo had always thought that was a healthy atmosphere. Hope Hospital emphasized working as treatment teams with the idea that more input was better for the hospital’s patients. He was finding out that Madison’s file was right. She preferred prowling around the outskirts.
But she was much sought after in the States. So maybe they shouldn’t try to stuff her into a box she didn’t fit into. Even if Theo himself had created that particular box.
“I understand. And I’ll respect that decision. To a degree.”
What had happened to not pushing Ivy’s needs to the forefront? Or telling her that those meetings were optional?
“I’m sorry? What does that mean?”
“Just that the hospital uses these meetings not only as a chance to bounce around ideas but also to provide accountability to all the players.”
“Accountability.” Her palms pressed against the surface of the desk, an edge of tension beginning to infuse her words. “As in you don’t think I’m carrying my weight here?”
She was getting angry, and hell if he didn’t like the little hints of emotion: the sideways tilt of her head, the color sweeping up her cheeks...the way her gaze remained riveted to his face.
Especially that last part.
Damn. So much for keeping this cool and impersonal.
“I phrased that badly. Let’s call it curiosity. I would like to know your thoughts on their thoughts. I was hoping to get to that meeting today as well.”
Her hands dropped into her lap and the tension seemed to flow out of her.
“I’ll be happy to share my thoughts. I just don’t want to waste my...” She smiled. “Sorry, badly phrased. I don’t want to spend two hours in a chaotic team meeting when I could be looking down other avenues. I promise I do glance over what the team discusses. It just takes me a while to get into my work mode, and having my day cut into pieces with meetings makes it doubly hard, especially if I’m trying to piece together a complicated list of symptoms.”
“Understood.” Theo, whose days were often “cut into pieces,” as she put it, often wished he could just put a “Do Not Disturb” sign on his door and get in eight hours of uninterrupted work. “Would you prefer to just write up your findings and send them to me?”
“I think it would be faster to tell them to you directly, if that’s okay. It can be a voicemail, if you’re too busy to take my call.”
He was never too busy to discuss Ivy. “I’ll make time. But if you want to pass on information directly, why don’t we set up our own face-to-face meeting of sorts? You tell me the time that works best for you.”
“Okay, that’s easy. The end of my official work day. Six o’clock or so?” She sat up, so the ends of her hair no longer brushed along the top of her desk. As hard as he tried, he couldn’t stop the image of that hair sliding across his skin—skin in an area that was suddenly shifting upward at an alarming rate.
She tossed the offending locks behind her shoulder, going back to that professional demeanor he’d come to recognize, while he struggled to regain control of thoughts that were anything but professional.
“That works for me. I was just getting ready to head down and see Ivy. Do you want to go with me?”
He shouldn’t. He should put some distance between them for a while—at least until his strange reaction to her had a chance to power down.
Then his gaze went to the right-hand side of her desk, where that little notebook had sat. Was she taking that with her?
That made his decision. “I haven’t checked on her in a couple of hours, so I think I’ll join you.”
A buzzing came from the other side of the desk and she lifted a finger, asking him to wait. Lifting her cellphone, she looked at the readout and then put the device to her ear. “Dr. Archer here.”
She listened to whoever was on the other end of the line, frowning slightly. “And the others?”
Her chest lifted and she expelled an audible sigh. He could fairly see the tension that had gathered in her shoulders. “Okay, thank you for letting me know.”
Setting the phone on the desk, she pressed her fingertips against the surface for several seconds.
“Was that something about Ivy?”
“The test results came back from her Lyme panel.”
“And?” He waited, his heart in his chest. Was this the answer they’d been looking for?
“I’m sorry, Theo, but they’re negative. All of them. Ivy doesn’t have Lyme disease.”
* * *
Sitting on the side of the bed a half-hour later, listening to her little patient talk about what she’d had for lunch, caused a lump to form in Madison’s throat. It looked like Santa was going to have a hard time delivering the first wish on Ivy’s list.
Had Theo peeked inside that book before she’d come into the office? She should have written the list somewhere besides the first page, but she’d had no idea at the time that the girl’s first request would be something of such a personal nature.
Looking at the stiff way he stood in the corner, watching them, it was hard to imagine him ever liking the holiday, especially since the news they’d been waiting for hadn’t materialized. She had pinned her hopes on Lyme disease being the culprit, especially since the symptoms of it were often vague and could appear like those that Ivy had. They were back where they’d started yet again. She should be used to it. And she was. The challenging nature of her work had always energized her.
But not today.
For each terrible disease that was ruled out, another waited in the wings.
And right now Theo looked pretty exhausted, the smile lines around his eyes now tinged with white.
She ached for him. Wished there was something she could say or do that would make this easier.
She’d been surprised to find him in her office earlier. Surprised at the way her heart had jumped to attention.
Was that why she’d agreed to meet him personally to review the details of the case?
Not smart, Madison.
There was something about the man that touched a spark within her, though. Maybe it was the brave front he was putting on for his daughter’s sake. Or the fact that he’d walked through some hard years, something to which she could relate. She’d struggled through some heartache of her own as a kid. Since reaching adulthood and graduating from medical school, though, things had been smooth sailing.
Sure they had. Because she was on a roll as far as the dating scene went.
Actually, things were pretty dry. Men weren’t exactly lining up to go out with a diagnostician. Then again, she wasn’t scrambling to go out with them either. Her days had been too full of work and...work. She was busy. Which made the lonely nights a little easier to bear. Right?
Her glance tracked back to Theo, and she swallowed.
“Did you get to see Doodle?” she asked, forcing her thoughts back to Ivy.
Doodle, the labradoodle, had been a regular visitor around the hospital, thanks to Evie, the ICU receptionist who was slated to return to nursing school after the holidays. She’d come up with the idea of bringing in a Pets as Therapy dog. He’d been such a hit with the children that the dog and his handler, Alana, came by most days to visit the different pediatric areas. The family suites were probably some of the last on the list today. But Evie had said the pair would be by soon.
“Yes, this morning. He was so sweet and nice. I really would love...” Ivy’s eyes went to Theo, and then her shoulders slumped. “Oh, well.”
Madison’s heart cramped. The little girl had almost blurted out that she wanted a dog. Maybe she should have. It was better for Theo to give her a definite answer than for Ivy to pine after something she might never have.
Like the love of a mother?
Madison’s breath stalled for a few painful seconds.
Ivy’s mom had died, but surely she’d loved her daughter.
That didn’t make the loss any easier. But at least she hadn’t simply wandered in and out of Ivy’s life, until one day she hadn’t been there at all—leaving a heartbroken child to wonder what she’d done to make her mother go away.
Was she thinking of Ivy? Or herself?
Madison had done the rounds in various foster homes after her mom had disappeared. Finally, she’d been sent to a group home when she’d been a teenager, where she’d stayed until she’d graduated from high school.
The chaos of moving from place to place had made it hard to develop long-term friendships. Maybe that was why she preferred working on her own. And why colleagues saw her as aloof and unfriendly. She’d relied on herself for so long that she didn’t know how to ask for help. Or to trust that someone would catch her if she fell.
“I didn’t realize they brought the dog in here.” Theo’s low voice was neutral. A little too neutral.
“They did, and I loved him so much. He even fell asleep on my bed while I was stroking him.” She pulled her covers up to her thin chest. “Do you think Doodle can come and see me again?”
Theo moved from his position against the wall to sit in a chair beside her bed. “I’ll have to see how those visits work, exactly, but I think it can be arranged if you would like that.”
“Oh, I would!”
Theo glanced at Madison with brows that went up slightly. In accusation? Had Ivy shared with him her desire for a puppy of her own, or...and here went her wandering thoughts once again...had he looked inside that notebook after all? She gave a slight shake of her head to indicate she hadn’t put Ivy up to it.
“They’ve been trying to bring him by to visit all of the children before Christmas. He’s been wearing his elf hat, since he’s one of Santa’s helpers.” She hoped he’d understand what she was trying to say, that they were linking the visits with the man the hospital had hired to play Santa. “I guess it was just Ivy’s turn for a special visit.”
“I guess it was. An elf, huh?” His voice, like his eyes, had a speculative sound to it. So what if he thought she was behind Doodle’s visit or that she was inserting herself where she wasn’t welcome? Once they were alone, she would set him straight. Or maybe she would ask Evie to make Ivy a priority and have the labradoodle stop by more often.
Although why she wanted to make him uneasy, she had no idea. A little quid pro quo for the way he hung around in her thoughts—where he most definitely was not welcome?
“Yep, an elf. It seems Santa sometimes uses locals to help him do his work.”
“And sometimes he uses people from a long way away to do his miracles.” The graveled plea behind the words made her tummy twist and turn.
So much for a quid pro quo. Any desire to make him uncomfortable vanished, replaced by a plea of her own.
Please don’t pin all your hopes on me.
And yet he was. She knew it. Knew he’d called her to come to the hospital because of this very skill set. Normally Madison thrived under that kind of high-pressure atmosphere, the urgency making her job exciting and unpredictable. Her mind seemed to revel in taking a scattered array of seemingly unconnected symptoms and somehow fitting them together.
Only she’d never been colleagues with a parent before. Or connected with a child the way she had with this one.
Her fingers tweaked Ivy’s hair and she forced a smile, pretending the wordplay hadn’t suddenly become deadly serious. “Miracles can come from many different sources.”
“Will Pablo get a miracle?” The little girl glanced up at her.
Madison saw Theo go still at the mention of the little boy diagnosed with muscular dystrophy who’d been a couple of doors down from Ivy’s room until they’d moved him to PICU.
Madison swallowed. “Pablo left today.” She tried to put enough subtle emphasis on the word “left” that Theo would realize she wasn’t talking about going home.
A muscle went to work in his jaw, pulsing a couple of times before going quiet. He got it.
He lowered himself into a nearby chair, elbows on his knees, head down.
Thinking about how Pablo could just as easily have been his daughter?
Unwilling to leave him to figure out a way to respond to Ivy’s question about miracles—or the lack thereof—Madison spoke up. “Why don’t we see if we can challenge your dad to a game of Go Fish?”
Up came Theo’s head, eyes fixed on her. “Go Fish?”
Those two words had never sounded as elegant as they did in that accent of his. It forced a smile from her.
“It’s a card game that uses a special deck.” She never knew what kind of cases she might be called in on, so she’d gotten used to carrying a pack in one of her pockets. Sometimes getting someone’s mind off an illness helped calm nerves, whether it be children, parents, or anyone else. She’d been kind of famous for producing that deck of cards at her hospital in the U.S., had often being called on to help calm a child who was being prepared for surgery. It was the one time she’d felt wanted—needed—for something other than her skills at diagnosis.
“I know what it is. I’m just not sure how you’re going to manage—”
Out came the pack of cards. Theo’s head gave a funny little tilt as if he couldn’t believe his eyes.
“Now I’ve seen everything.” His glance landed on her. “Madison the magician.”
The way he’d said that...
A shiver rolled over her that she did her best to suppress.
“It’s good therapy for cognitive and fine motor skills.”
And it gave Madison a way to observe her patients, looking for any tiny changes that she might miss otherwise. If she played a quick game over a period of a couple of weeks—or months—she could see disease progression. The first game gave her a base from which to compare progress or deterioration. In this case, she prayed she wouldn’t see the latter.
She let the magician comment stand, instead of going into that kind of explanation. Maybe later.
Nodding at the spot on the bed next to her, she said, “Move closer, Doc, so I can deal.”
There was a moment’s hesitation, but he finally got up and sat on the mattress, watching as she dealt the first hand and placed the rest of the deck face down between them. She hoped he didn’t see the slight tremor in her hand as she did so.
Although she’d come prepared to play, Theo’s presence was threatening to derail her. And although she’d invited him to sit next to her, she was now wishing she hadn’t. She was hyper-aware of everything about him. His scent. The way the fingers of his left hand rested on his thigh.
The way he was avoiding looking at her.
Lordy. She was in trouble.
When dealing with children, she sometimes adopted rather goofy voices as a way to make her patients laugh. Ha! There was no way she was going to do that today.
Ivy picked up her hand, although it took some effort to do so. The little girl’s struggle poured an icy dose of reality over her. Madison tensed, resisting the urge to offer help, and when Theo looked like he might intervene, she spoke up. “She can do it. Let her.”
“Yeah, Daddy, I can do it.” She carefully separated her cards, fumbling a little and dropping one of them in the process. There was silence as she recovered and picked it up again.
“Player to the left of the dealer goes first.” She would have had Ivy go first, no matter which side she’d been on.
The girl’s eyes swiveled between the two of them before focusing on her father. “Do you have any threes, Daddy?”
Theo handed over a card. “I have one.”
Ivy’s grin lit up the room. “I knew it.” She asked for another card, this time from Madison, who didn’t have the requested item. Then it was Theo’s turn.
“Madison, do you have any aces?”
“Go fish.”
He didn’t move for a second. “How about up your sleeve? Do you have any there?”
She froze as his eyes finally met hers. Nerve endings crackled as she stared back at him.
“Daddy! That would be cheating, and Madison doesn’t do that.”
Madison snapped her gaze back to her cards, none of the numbers coming into focus.
She would cheat in a heartbeat if it meant outsmarting whatever was going on inside Ivy’s small body.
It took them fifteen minutes to declare Theo the winner, and to Madison it seemed like an eternity. All she wanted to do was retreat to the safety of her office, lay her head down on her desk and try to come up with some kind of answer. For Ivy. And, heaven help her, for her father.
Especially after seeing slivers of change in Ivy over the course of the game. Her cards appeared to get heavier and heavier, the young girl having to set them down in between hands. But her mind was as sharp as ever. In fact, she seemed to make up for her deteriorating condition by memorizing what was in her hand. And when she said, “Go fish,” without even looking, neither Madison nor Theo challenged her. By the end the girl was yawning, even though it was only six in the early evening.
“Tired, kiddo?” she asked.
“No.”
Theo gathered the cards into a neat stack then leaned over to kiss his daughter’s head. “Why don’t you rest for a little while, and I’ll help Dr. Archer put these away, okay?”
“Will you tell me a story later?”
“Of course.”
Ivy lay back against her pillows, her face pale, the muscles in her thin arms lax and still. She made no move to hug her dad. Or wave goodbye. For a child who was normally so affectionate, it struck a chord of fear in Madison.
If she felt it, then that chord had to be a million clanging gongs going off in Theo’s head.
God, why couldn’t she figure this out?
A hot wave of nausea seared up her esophagus as she pictured Theo tucked in next to his child, reading her a bedtime story.
How many stories did she have until that bed was empty? Just like Pablo’s.
Twenty? Ten?
Two?
The pain grew, engulfing her with a terrible sense of responsibility.
She needed to fix a picture of that bed in her head and stare at it. Force herself to get to grips with the reality that this was life or death.
Wasted time can’t be recaptured. Hadn’t she just said that not very long ago? Yes, and it was true. It couldn’t.
Neither could lost opportunities.
She straightened her backbone. So she needed to do something about it. Needed to work faster. Harder.
Theo led the way from the room and handed her the rest of the cards. “I gather there was a reason for that. Quite clever, actually.”
It took her a few seconds to realize he hadn’t read her thoughts but was talking about the game.
She drew a careful breath, trying to tamp down the chaotic emotions that had been racing through her a few seconds ago. “I wondered if you would figure it out.”
“Only after I caught those eagle eyes studying Ivy as she played. After the third or fourth time it hit me that you were monitoring her.” He sighed. “She’s getting tired more quickly.”
“Yes.”
“What else?”
“Theo...”
He shook his head. “I want to know.”
And he deserved to. She just didn’t want to be the one to tell him. But she owed it to him to be honest.
“Her arms have developed a tremor when holding them in front of her.” Muscle wasting from lack of use. The problem was, no one had any idea what was causing them to atrophy. “By the time we were ready to leave the room she was completely spent. I have a feeling she forced herself to keep going. For you.”
“Hell.”
Theo put his hands behind his neck and stretched his arms out to the side. A pop sounded in one of his joints, the sharp sound making her flinch slightly.
“Sorry. Bad habit.”
She could understand that. She had her little quirks as well. But they were more along the lines of insomnia when she was dealing with a puzzling case. She’d had more than her share of nights doodling symptoms on a whiteboard and looking for something that would ring a bell. Ivy’s symptoms were plastered on a board she’d propped in the dining room of her apartment. And she had definitely spent more than one sleepless night searching for a clue.
“Her treatment team wants to do more blood tests,” he said.
“I know. I asked that the report be sent down. The list of what it’s not is growing longer, which is good in that the list of what it could be is getting shorter.”
“Is it?” His arms went back to his sides. “How long can she go on like this? At some point it’s going to reach a point of no return.”
Hadn’t she thought something very similar moments earlier?
Fighting through the catch in her throat, she turned toward him, wrapping her fingers tightly around his wrist. She wasn’t sure if she was clutching him to reassure herself or to lend weight to what she was about to say.
“Hey. We’re not there yet. She’s still breathing.” Not the best way to word it. She hurried to add, “The weakness is only in her limbs and hips at the moment.”
“Thank God for that.” The second he reached up to cover her hand with his, she knew touching him had been a big mistake. The heat from his skin was electric, unseen calluses scraping across her nerve endings and bringing them to life.
She should move. Tug her hand free. But since she’d initiated the contact, she had no one to blame but herself.
“I’ll take as many of those ‘at the moments’ as I can get,” he murmured. “Until we can figure this out.”
The hallway was completely empty. There were fewer people staying in this section over the holidays, since everyone who could go home to be with their families did.
Ivy could probably have a great team of caregivers if she went home as well, but Theo wanted her here. Near him. They had an amazing bond. One she’d never had, growing up.
A tightness in her chest warned her that her emotions were venturing far too close to the surface.
She glanced up and caught him staring at her. She wanted to promise him miracles and happy endings and anything else he was looking for. But she couldn’t. “Sometimes we just have to do our living in those moments.”
“Yes. I agree.”
The seconds stretched into minutes. Neither of them moved. Until—real or imagined—his thumb brushed the back of her hand.
Her body erupted instantly, nipples drawing tight inside her thin bra. God, she hoped he couldn’t see them. Hoped he couldn’t—
“Madison...”
A sharp ping! signaled the arrival of the elevator. Jerking free, she took a hurried step back. Then another, struggling to catch her breath.
She needed to escape while she could. “I’ll see you tomorrow for our meeting.”
“And another game of cards?”
“Cards?” Her brain was a huge mudslide of buried thoughts and emotions at the moment, and so it took her a second for the words to make sense. “Oh. You don’t have to be here for that, if you don’t want to.”
The less contact she had with him the better. At least it was looking that way. What had she been thinking?
She hadn’t been.
Evidently neither had he, if his response to her living-in-those-moments comment was any indication. It had certainly veered away from the professional and into the personal.
Her lack of dating life had shown its ugly face. She’d lapped up the attention like a lovesick teenager.
“I’d like to be, if it’s okay. It gives me a chance to measure her abilities as well.”
Two people stepped off the elevator, one of them giving Theo a wave that asked him to wait before heading toward them.
Madison did not want to hang around. Her face was already burning. Someone was sure to notice, since she had the worst poker face in history. Theo seemed to be thinking the same thing. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Call me when you know a time.”
“Okay.”
And with that, she fled down the hall in the opposite direction of the approaching staff members. It would take her longer to get back to her little cubicle this way, but she didn’t care. Right now, all she was worried about was how she was going to face Ivy’s father tomorrow. Or keep herself from doing something else stupid. Like hurtling down a road that led from professional courtesy toward unprofessional crush.
