Читать книгу Midwives On-Call At Christmas - Tina Beckett - Страница 16
ОглавлениеTHE HOUSE WAS looking truly magical. Freya was watching from the window, the excitement almost too much for her.
Today had been a quiet day. It was odd. It was a few days into December already and there were still no decorations in the house. Bonnie had always been the type to put her decorations up on the first of the month. Any later made her antsy.
Yesterday, a few tree decorations had arrived that she’d ordered online. Along with a personalised stocking for Freya and some Christmas candles.
This morning she’d had a look in some of the cupboards around the house, expecting to find a few cardboard boxes of decorations that she and Freya could put up. But there was nothing. Not even a single strand of tinsel.
Maybe Jacob hadn’t bothered because he lived alone? He’d already told her he worked at the hospital most Christmases. He’d made a few fleeting remarks about not really doing Christmas. But nothing definite. Nothing that he’d actually explained.
So, this morning she and Freya had hatched the master plan. Jacob was working today. It was a Saturday and there were a few patients in the hospital that needed to be reviewed, so she was sure he would be kept busy.
It gave her and Freya time to visit the local hardware store and stock up on Christmas decorations. The kind that she’d always wanted to buy. Her credit card had trembled as she’d entered the store and fainted on the way out.
She’d never bought a real tree before. But the hardware store could deliver on the same day, and only an hour after they’d left the store the delivery driver arrived. He was great. He carried the tree up the front steps and into the front room. It had already been mounted for them and he made sure it was straight before he left.
Freya had been jumping for joy as they’d plugged the twinkling star lights in to check they worked before winding them around the tree. By four o’clock it was already starting to get dark. Bonnie pulled the blinds in the front room. She didn’t want Jacob to see the tree from the street. She wanted him to come through the front door and get the full effect.
A thick green and red garland was wound up the banister on the stairs. Another, set with red twinkling lights, was adorning the mantelpiece in the front room. The fire was burning in the hearth and she’d switched off the main lights so only the twinkling lights and flickering flames warmed the room.
Freya wound her hands around Bonnie’s neck. ‘It’s so beautiful, isn’t it, Mummy?’
‘Yes, honey, it is.’
She so wanted Christmas to be perfect for her daughter. It was beginning to look as if they wouldn’t have found somewhere else to stay by then. Her ex hadn’t even tried to make contact with his daughter—not even once—since they’d moved down here.
It was no real surprise. He hadn’t bothered when they’d stayed in the same town. But she was worried about the effect on her little girl. How must it feel for Freya to know her daddy didn’t love her? Not the way he should.
They finished unpacking the last of the deliveries. A carved wooden nativity scene that Freya helped set out on one of the side tables. Everything really did look perfect.
She heard a car door slam outside and Freya ran and peeked under the blinds. ‘Jacob’s coming. He’s coming, Mummy.’ She jumped up and down on the spot clapping her hands.
Bonnie couldn’t wipe the smile off her face. She stood in the corridor, just at the entrance to the front room—waiting for him to appear.
It only took a few seconds. He walked through the front door, dropping his case and hanging his jacket on the coat stand.
‘Hey, Jacob.’ She smiled.
He smiled back. ‘Hey, yourself,’ then started to frown. He gave a little start, his eyes fixed on the banister behind her.
‘We’ve got a surprise,’ yelled Freya, running through the door.
Bonnie’s skin prickled, her hairs standing on end. He didn’t look happy. He didn’t look anything like happy. Her blood felt as if it were running cold.
All of a sudden she got the feeling that she’d done something very wrong.
Jacob strode past her and into the front room, virtually ignoring Freya.
His face fell as soon as he walked into the middle of the floor, holding his hands out as he spun around, taking in the full effect of the room. She loved it. It was beautiful and really captured the spirit of Christmas with the flickering flames and twinkling festive lights.
Anyone would love it.
Anyone but Jacob, that was.
He looked as if he’d just been sat down in his worst possible nightmare. He walked over to the fireplace and tugged harshly on the beautiful green and red garland, pulling part of it free. ‘What on earth have you done?’ His voice was incredulous. ‘Tell me you’re joking. You’ve done this everywhere? This?’
He stared at the greenery in his hand, then dropped it to the floor. Freya’s mouth was hanging open. She was stunned—as was Bonnie—but, what was more, she looked a little frightened.
He walked over and grabbed the tree, knocking some of the carefully hung red and green ornaments to the floor, one of them breaking with a crash. ‘Who on earth said you could do this? What made you think you could decorate my house without my permission?’ In a surge of anger he pushed the tree to the floor, scattering the decorations everywhere and making the lights flicker dangerously.
He was furious. Really furious. So angry he was trembling. Bonnie had never, ever seen Jacob like this. And although she was bewildered, she wasn’t afraid; in fact, she was angry. But he wasn’t finished. He leaned over the fallen Christmas tree and started yanking the tinsel from it. The harshness of his movements meant the sitting-room air and floor quickly filled with tiny ripped-off strands of multicoloured tinsel all around them. ‘I hate this. I have to tolerate this stuff everywhere else—but not in my house!’
She walked over and put her arm around Freya’s shoulder. ‘What is wrong with you, Jacob? We wanted to do something nice for you—to surprise you.’
But it was almost as if he hadn’t heard her. He was still shaking his head at the twinkling lights. He crossed the room and flicked the switch on one of the plugs, plunging that part of the room into darkness.
Almost as dark as your mood was her fleeting thought as he turned on her again.
‘How dare you do this? Didn’t I tell you I don’t celebrate Christmas? I don’t even like Christmas.’ The words were said with such venom she actually found herself pulling back a little. But it only lasted a second. Because after that the red mist started to descend.
All the hours of work and preparation. The build-up of excitement between her and Freya all day. And he was ruining it all with some angry words and some hand movements. Destroying all their hard work.
She dropped her arm from around Freya’s shoulder and stepped right up to his face. ‘Oh, I get that. I get that you don’t like Christmas. Enough, Jacob!’ she snapped. ‘You’ve made your point. You don’t like Christmas. Well, pardon me for not being a mind reader. And pardon me, and my daughter, for trying to do something to say thank you for letting us stay. We won’t make that mistake again!’
She turned at the sound of a little sob behind her and dropped to her knees, wrapping her arms around Freya’s little body. She would kill him. She would kill him with her bare hands for his pathetic overreaction.
Jacob flinched. It was as if reality had just slapped him on the forehead and he realised the impact his reactions had had on Freya. For the tiniest second he seemed to hesitate, but Bonnie glared at him, furious with him for upsetting her daughter, and he spun on his heel and stalked back along the corridor, slamming the front door behind him.
The blood was pounding in her ears. She’d never been so angry with someone—not even her pathetic husband when she’d found him in bed with her so-called friend. Freya’s shoulders were shaking and her head was buried into the nape of Bonnie’s neck.
Over Christmas decorations? Really?
She didn’t care that this was his house. She didn’t care that on every other occasion Jacob had been a kind and hospitable housemate. This blew everything else out of the water.
He’d upset her daughter.
Jacob Layton was about to find out that hell hath no fury like an angry mother.
* * *
‘Isn’t it about time you went home?’
He lifted his head from the bar and the barman gestured his head towards the clock. The guy obviously wanted to close up.
The old guy shrugged. ‘Can’t be that bad.’
Jacob picked up the now-warm remnants of beer and washed them down. ‘You have no idea.’
He looked out through the murky window. It had started to snow. He didn’t even have a jacket. In his haste to leave the house he hadn’t stopped to pick one up.
How far had he walked? He had no idea. He’d never even been in this pub before. Let alone nearly fallen asleep at the bar.
He gave the barman a little nod and shivered as he walked out of the door and the wind whistled around his thin jumper. With his suit trousers and business shoes it was hardly winter gear. But he hadn’t stopped to think about much before he left.
That was the trouble. He couldn’t think. He’d taken one look at all those Christmas decorations and a whole host of unwanted memories had come flooding back.
It was ridiculous. It was pathetic. He’d spent every year of his life around Christmas decorations.
But not in his space. Not in his home. In other places, they were bearable. In other places there were other things to do, other things to think about. At home, they would be right under his nose constantly—forcing him to think about things he’d long since pushed to the back of his mind.
The cold wind started to penetrate through his thin jumper, making him shiver. His insides were cringing.
Freya.
Her little face had crumpled and she’d started to cry.
He was ashamed of himself. Ashamed of his behaviour. He hadn’t even stopped to think about her. And everything about that was wrong.
What embarrassed him even more was the fact that if it had been just Bonnie, he might not be feeling so ashamed. It had taken a five-year-old to teach him what acceptable behaviour was. What kind of human being did that make him?
The kind that had spent the last three hours in a bar, like some sad and lonely old drifter sitting on a bar stool alone, nursing one bottle of beer after another.
Pathetic. Was that really the kind of man he wanted to be? Was that the kind of man that would have made his mother proud?
All of a sudden he wasn’t feeling the cold any more. All of sudden he was lost in distant memories as his feet trudged through the snow, his dress shoes getting damper by the second as the memories of his mother burned deep in his mind.
She had complemented his closed-off father beautifully with her calming good nature. She was always able to put a smile on his father’s often grumpy face, or give a measured argument against his forceful opinions—skills that Jacob hadn’t seemed to inherit.
If his mother had still been alive he would never have ended up at loggerheads with his father over his refusal to follow the family tradition into the military. His mother would have argued peacefully, but successfully, for his entry to medical school and the opportunity to pursue his own career options.
His father had never really accepted his decision—particularly when Jacob had opted to become an obstetrician. It wasn’t heroic enough for his father. It wasn’t front line enough, or pioneering enough. He didn’t see the joy in bringing life into the world, compared with so many other specialities that frequently dealt with death. Just as well his mother had left him enough money, not only to put himself through medical school, but also to allow him the freedom to place a deposit on a house and have the option of being part of one of the finest universities and hospitals in the country.
She would be proud of him. She should be proud of him. She would love what her son had achieved.
But she would also expect him to treat everyone with the same respect he’d given her. With the love and compassion he’d given her.
The long street ahead was coated with snow. The orange streetlights cast a warm glow across the snow-topped cars. People spilled out of the pub ahead of him, laughing and joking. Full of cheer.
When was the last time he’d been in Cambridge city centre on a Saturday night? He couldn’t even remember. Now he looked around him, Christmas was everywhere. Every shop window was decorated and a few of the flats on the main street had glistening trees in their windows.
He hung his head as the cold bit harder. Festive cheer. It should be spreading warmth through his soul. What on earth was he going home to?
His footsteps quickened as a horrible thought shot through his head. What if they’d left? What if they’d left because of his behaviour?
The beer sloshed around in his stomach. He hadn’t eaten at all in the last few hours and that last thought made him feel physically sick.
The thought of going home to an empty house after a month wasn’t at all appealing. It was strange how things had changed without him really noticing. Please don’t let them leave. He would much prefer it if Bonnie was waiting at home ready to tell him exactly what she thought of him. He could take it.
He might even try and explain why he’d behaved like that—if, of course, she gave him a chance to speak.
The snow was getting heavier. It was kicking up under his feet and lying on his shoulders and eyelashes. His feet moved even quicker. How far had he walked?
It was a relief to finally turn into his street. Only a few windows were uncovered, letting their warm light spill out onto the snow-covered street. From a distance, he could see his tightly pulled white blinds.
He swallowed. His mouth had never felt so dry. Drinking beer certainly hadn’t helped. More than anything right now he just wanted to know what lay behind his door.
He had to stop himself from breaking into a run. His brain was spinning. What would he do if they’d left? What would he say if they’d stayed? A thousand excuses and explanations were running through his brain. But somehow he knew they wouldn’t wash with Bonnie.
Nothing but the truth would do for her.
He pulled his key from his pocket as he walked up the steps. He paused at the door. The house was silent. Not a single sound from inside.
The traditional door handle was icy cold. He pushed down on it and the door clicked open.
Relief. Pure and utter relief. If Bonnie had left, the door would have been locked.
He brushed the snow off his shoulders and hair and kicked it from his damp shoes.
Still nothing.
He walked silently down the corridor. The light was out in the kitchen and in the back sitting room. His stomach twisted. The green and red garland was gone from the stairs. There was no sign it had even been there.
He held his breath as he stepped into his front room. His completely bare front room.
All signs of Christmas were gone.
The tree. The lights. The garland. The nativity.
Just one small lamp was lit in the corner of the room, reflecting the bare white walls back at him. He’d never realised just how sparse this room was.
Bonnie was sitting on the sofa. She didn’t even turn her head towards him. She was staring at the now unlit fire. Her jaw was set. In one hand she held a glass of wine, the fingers of the other hand running up and down the stem of the glass.
He braced himself, but she said nothing.
‘Bonnie,’ he acknowledged. An elephant had just decided to sit on his chest. At least that was what it felt like.
She didn’t move, didn’t flinch. It was almost as if he weren’t even there.
He swallowed again. He really, really needed a drink of water. His mouth had never felt so dry. But he took a deep breath and sat down next to her on the sofa.
‘Let me try and explain,’ he said quietly.
‘Oh, you’d better.’ Her words dripped ice. Any minute now she was going to pick up the bottle of wine at her feet and launch it at his head.
Jacob had never really been lost for words before. This was a first for him. He didn’t talk. He didn’t share. Ever since his father had packed him off to boarding school once his mother died, there just hadn’t been anyone to share with. Not like that. Not like the way he used to with her.
The truth was, he always felt that no one else had ever been that invested in him. Building walls around yourself as a child protected you as an adult. At least, that was what he’d always thought.
His behaviour tonight had been over the top. He had to explain. He hated what she might think of him right now. What Freya might think of him right now.
‘I’m sorry I upset Freya tonight. I never meant to do that.’
‘Well, you did. And it will be the first and last time.’
Bonnie’s voice had no hesitation. The line was very clearly drawn in the sand.
‘Let me be clear. Freya is my first and only priority. Every. Single. Day.’
He could feel prickles down his back. She was worse than mad.
‘I know that.’
He leaned back against the sofa. This was going to take some work. He wasn’t used to talking about himself. And he had no idea what Bonnie’s response might be to his words.
For a tiny second he squeezed his eyes shut. They were still here. That must mean something.
He licked his dry lips. ‘I haven’t told you much about my past.’
Her fingers continued to stroke up and down the wine-glass stem. It was almost as if she was using it as a measure of control. ‘No. You haven’t.’
She was wearing those jeans again and a soft woollen jumper. Right now he wanted to reach out and touch her. Right now he wanted to feel some comfort. Saying these words out loud wasn’t easy.
‘My mother died when I was ten.’
There. It was out there. The light in the corner flickered inexplicably and he heard her suck in a breath.
‘She was the heart of our family. I was an only child and my father spent most of his life in the military. When my mother died it was almost as if all the life was just sucked out of us both.’
She turned a little towards him. ‘What did you do?’
He shrugged. ‘What could I do? I was ten. I’d spent most of my time with my mother. We’d shared everything. My relationship with my father had always been a little strained. I just think he didn’t know how to relate to kids.’
As he was talking he’d moved to face her and as he finished his last sentence her eyebrows lifted. He knew exactly what she was thinking. Like father, like son. And he was struck by the realisation that was the last thing he wanted.
He fixed on her blue eyes. ‘My dad sent me to boarding school.’
‘Do those places even exist any more? I thought they only ever existed in Enid Blyton books.’
He shook his head. ‘Oh, they exist all right. And they’re just the place to send a ten-year-old whose mother’s died.’ He couldn’t keep the irony or the bitterness out of his voice. ‘I hated every second of it. The education part was fine. The school activity part was fine. But to go from living with your mother, to living there, with nothing really in between...’ His voice tailed off.
‘Why did he send you there?’
Jacob sighed. ‘There was no one else to look after me. I’m an only child and so were my father and mother. Both sets of grandparents were already dead. My father had another posting abroad with the military and there was no question that he wouldn’t go. He told me later that he’d always planned on sending me to boarding school.’ He pushed up the sleeves of his wet jumper.
She tilted her head to one side. ‘Had your mother stopped that?’
He shook his head. ‘I have no idea.’ He groaned and sagged back against the sofa. ‘There were so many things that I wished I had asked her. So many conversations I wish I could remember. Most of it is just all caught up in here.’ He waved his finger next to his head. ‘Sometimes I think that things I remember I’ve just made up.’
‘How did she die?’
Jacob hesitated, then took a deep breath. ‘Cancer. Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma. It was brutal—it sucked the life right out of her.’
She licked her lips. ‘Did you go to your mother’s funeral?’
He nodded. ‘It was full of people I didn’t really know. No one really spoke to me. And because of the time of year it was bitter cold and lashing with rain. We were only at the graveside for around five minutes.’
A little spark of realisation shot across her face. ‘When did your mother die, Jacob?’
This was it. This was the important part. He felt his eyes fill up and was instantly embarrassed. Men didn’t cry. Men shouldn’t cry.
But no matter how hard he tried not to, one tear escaped and slid down his cheek. His voice was hoarse. ‘She died three days before Christmas. I came home to a house we’d decorated together, that would never feel the same again.’
‘Oh, Jacob.’ Bonnie’s tears fell instantly, and she reached up to his cheek to brush his away. ‘I can’t even begin to imagine what that felt like.’
Now he’d started he couldn’t stop. He felt safe. He felt safe talking to Bonnie. Someone he’d known only a month and invited into his home. There was nothing superficial about Bonnie Reid. She was all heart and soul. He’d never met anyone like her before. Or if he had, he’d never taken the time to get to know them.
It felt right to tell Bonnie about his mother and why his insides were so messed up about Christmas.
‘I felt like when we buried my mother, we buried a little bit of ourselves. My father was never the same. I can’t remember ever seeing my father smile once my mother died. Our relationship was non-existent. I’m embarrassed by it. I’ve no idea if he just couldn’t cope. If it was all just grief. Or, if my mother had brought out another side of him, and when she died he just reverted back to how he normally was. All I know is that from the age of ten, happiness just didn’t feature in our house.’
Bonnie’s tears were free-flowing. ‘That’s awful. You had no one? No one else you could turn to?’
He shook his head. ‘Christmas felt like a curse after that. That’s why I hate it so much. I try not to be bitter. But it just doesn’t evoke the happy memories in me that it does for others. I do have good memories of Christmases with my mother. But they were so long ago. Sometimes I wonder if they even existed.’
‘Oh, Jacob.’ Bonnie reached over, her hand stroking the top of his. She left it there and squeezed gently, the warm sleeve of her jumper touching his forearm.
It was the touch. The heat of her hand, coupled with the act of compassion. Something he hadn’t felt in such a long time. Or maybe it was the relief?
The relief of reaching thirty-seven and finally being able to share with someone. It was as if a whole dark weight had lifted off his shoulders. He couldn’t rationalise it. It didn’t make any sense. But saying the words out loud, to someone who might actually understand, was a whole new concept for Jacob.
These last fourteen months had been so hard. The next few weeks probably the hardest while he waited for his results. The outcome of whether he’d come out the other side of non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, or he’d succumb like his mother. Bonnie and Freya had been good for him. They’d brought some light back into his life at a time when he needed it most.
Bonnie squeezed his hand again. ‘You can’t do that, Jacob. You can’t take your feelings out on my little girl.’
He pulled his hand away and put them both up to his face, cringing. ‘I know that. I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking straight. I just came in, saw the decorations and it brought back a whole host of things I just wasn’t ready for.’ He put his head in his hands for a second. ‘I overreacted. I know I overreacted. I’m sorry, I really am.’ He turned to face her.
She was beautiful. Bonnie Reid was actually beautiful. Even with the harsh light in this stark white room, her dark red hair, bright blue eyes and pale skin made her the most beautiful woman he’d ever been close to. ‘What can I do? What can I do to make it up to her? To make it up to you? I don’t want her to hate me. I don’t want her to be scared of me.’
Bonnie nodded slowly and met his gaze. There was a gentle smile on her lips. ‘I can’t tell you that, Jacob. You’ve got to figure that out for yourself. You’re the adult—she’s the child. You have to take some time to work through how you feel about everything.’
‘How do I do that?’ His voice was low. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from her. All he wanted to do was reach out and touch her perfect skin—to join the invisible dots between the light sprinkling of freckles across her nose.
He wanted Bonnie and Freya to feel safe. To feel safe around him. Just as he’d felt safe to tell her about his past.
‘What happened to your dad?’
He gave a little sigh. ‘He died—two years ago of heart failure. Had a funeral with full military honours.’ He raised his eyebrows. ‘He would have been very proud.’
* * *
Bonnie bent down and lifted the bottle of wine. ‘Why don’t we have a drink together and just talk?’
He nodded, then smiled as he took the bottle from her hand and turned the label around. He raised his eyebrows. ‘Did you open the most expensive bottle of wine that I had?’
She smiled and held up her phone. ‘You bet your life I did. I looked it up online first. I was planning on finishing it before you got back. You’re lucky I left you any.’ She handed him a glass.
He poured the remaining wine into his glass and stopped for a minute, holding it between both hands. He was staring at the liquid in the glass. ‘I’m just glad that you didn’t leave,’ he said quietly.
She reached over and put a hand on his back. ‘I wanted to. I didn’t even care that we had nowhere to go.’ She shook her head, as if she couldn’t quite understand herself. ‘But I just couldn’t, Jacob. Not like this.’
There was a silence for a few moments between them. Was she considering the same implications that he was? That what had started out as a temporary arrangement was becoming so much more?
He looked up through heavy lids. Now he’d come in from the cold, the heat of the house was hitting him in a big way. He’d gone from being frozen to the bone to feeling superheated in a matter of minutes.
Sensations of fatigue were sweeping over him. But his body was fighting it every step of the way. Fighting to hold on to the other sensations in his prickling skin. Those bright blue eyes were mesmerising. She didn’t need to speak. It was almost as if he knew what she was thinking. Was he imagining this? He’d never felt a connection like this before.
‘I guess not everyone leaves,’ he whispered.
Bonnie took a long, slow breath and put her wine glass on the floor. Although her actions were slow and measured, he didn’t doubt for a second that she knew exactly what she was doing.
As she turned to face him, one leg was pulled up on the sofa, tucking under her as she put her arms around his neck. ‘No, Jacob,’ she whispered. ‘Not everyone leaves.’
His breath was stuck somewhere in his throat. He’d never told anyone what he’d just told Bonnie. Now she seemed connected to him—tied to him, and he didn’t want that to end. The blood was roaring through his ears. The feel of the soft fluffy wool on the sleeves of her jumper pushed his temperature skyward.
But his self-defence mechanisms were still kicking into place. He’d lived his life too long like this for them to disappear instantly. ‘But you did leave,’ he murmured. ‘You left your husband.’
He was fixed on her eyes. Fixed on the perfectness of her skin and beautiful auburn hair framing her face. She nodded. ‘I did.’ It was almost as if she sensed she had to tease him every part of the way. She gave a little smile, ‘But I had exceptional circumstances—you know what they were.’
He reached over and touched her hair. ‘Not really. Tell me about them. Tell me about Freya’s dad.’
He could see her hesitation, see her sucking in a breath. He’d just shared with her. She now knew about one of the biggest influencing factors in his life. He’d barely scratched the surface with her.
Her eyes fixed on the floor. ‘Robert was my boyfriend. We were together about a year when I fell pregnant unexpectedly.’ She threw up her hands. ‘I know. Don’t say anything. A midwife accidentally falling pregnant. The irony kills me.’ Then she smiled. ‘But Freya is the best accident that will ever happen to me.’ She bit her lip. ‘It’s stupid really, and hindsight is a wonderful thing. Robert’s parents were real traditionalists. So we got swept along with their ideals and got married before Freya arrived. The truth was Robert was never really the marrying kind.’
‘But you married him anyway?’ He gave a little smile. It wasn’t really a question, it was a more a sympathetic observation. Bonnie didn’t seem upset, just a little sad.
She started winding a strand of hair around her finger. She nodded. ‘I think I was more in love with the idea of being in love, than actually being in love. In my heart of hearts, I never really pictured us growing old together.’
‘And?’
She shrugged her shoulders. ‘I was busy with work and juggling childcare for Freya. I kind of lost sight of being married. Robert was distant—distracted. I suspected something was going on. It made me mad. I came home early from work one day and found another car in the drive. I let myself into the house and found Freya playing downstairs. Robert was upstairs, in bed, with one of my closest friends.’ She shook her head and sagged back a little. ‘It wasn’t my finest hour. The fact Freya was in the house. The fact it was one of my friends...’
Jacob raised his eyebrows. ‘Oh, no. What did you do?’
She rolled her eyes. ‘My “friend” ended up naked in my front garden after I’d marched her down the stairs. Robert’s clothes were deposited out of the bedroom window—so at least she found something to wear.’ She shook her head. ‘After that, I just grabbed some things for me and Freya, packed up and went to my parents. I filed for divorce straight away.’
He was watching her closely. ‘How did you feel?’
She paused for a second. ‘It’s probably a really awful thing to say—but I was more humiliated than anything else. Robert and I had been growing apart. I probably always thought we would come to a natural end. I just didn’t expect it to be like that.’ She gave a rueful smile. ‘I wasn’t exactly heartbroken about it. I might even have been secretly relieved it was over. But we lived in a small place. Every person in the town knew exactly what Robert had done to me. And pride is a terrible thing. I felt people staring at me wherever I went. I couldn’t take it any longer.’
He nodded slowly. ‘So you came to Cambridge?’
‘I had to. I know you understand, Jacob. It’s called self-preservation. It’s the thing that makes you get out of bed for another day, even when you don’t want to. I needed a change for Freya and me. I needed a chance of a new life for us both.’
He reached and brushed a thumb down her cheek. She was so wise. He’d never met anyone like this before. There was so much more to learn about Bonnie Reid.
He’d shared with her tonight, and now she’d shared with him.
‘Thank you,’ he whispered.
Her pretty brow furrowed. ‘For what?’
‘For not leaving tonight.’ It was the thing that had bothered him every step of the way back home. It was the thing that he’d dreaded. That he’d expected. Because that was what he deserved. And he knew that. But Bonnie Reid had just surpassed all of his expectations.
His heart squeezed. If he’d left this room as she’d decorated it, things would have been perfect. The fire flickering in the fireplace, the tree lights twinkling all around them. But he’d destroyed all that and brought them back to his white, harsh, empty walls.
Bonnie Reid deserved better than that. Freya Reid deserved better than that.
She licked her lips. It was the tiniest movement—a subconscious movement—but it was all that he needed. He moved forwards, not hesitating, his lips connecting with hers.
She tasted of strawberries mixed with wine. The remnants of her perfume drifted up his nose, the feel of her jumper connecting with the delicate skin at the bottom of his throat. She didn’t seem to mind his wet jumper. She didn’t seem to care that wine sloshed from his glass as he wrapped one arm around her and tangled the other hand through her hair.
That hair. He’d wanted to touch it from the moment he’d seen it. It was silky, falling through his fingers easily. But he didn’t want it to fall through. He wanted to catch it—just as he wanted to catch her. So he wrapped it around his fingers, anchoring his hand at the back of her head as the kissing increased.
She pulled back—and for a horrible second he thought she was going to say this was all a terrible mistake. But she didn’t. Bonnie Reid was taking charge.
She moved, lifting the glass from his hand and sitting it on the side table, then, pushing his shoulders back against the sofa, she swung one leg over him, so she was sitting on top of him.
She put her arms around his shoulders again and looked him straight in the eye. ‘There. That’s better.’
‘It certainly is.’ He didn’t hesitate. He pulled her closer, feeling the warm curves of her breasts against his chest. He slid his hands up and under her jumper. Her smooth, silky skin beneath his fingertips. Everything about this felt right.
Her smell. Her taste. Her touch. Her fingers skirted around his neck and shoulders, along the line of his jaw, scratching against his stubble, then through his hair, pulling his lips hard against her own.
His tongue played around the edges of her mouth as their kiss deepened. Suddenly, these clothes were too much; they were stopping him from feeling exactly what he wanted to.
He drew back and pulled his wet jumper and shirt over his head, then pulled her soft jumper off, throwing it on the floor with his own.
Her round full breasts were encased in a cream lace bra. She was breathing heavily now, her body weight on the most sensitive part of him.
He ran his fingers across her shoulder, reaching the pale skin at the bottom of her neck and then down, over her breastbone, between her breasts and down to her navel, resting just above the button of her jeans.
She sucked in her stomach—an automatic reaction but an unnecessary one. He loved every part of her soft curves.
His brain was screaming ‘no’ to him right now. But his body just wasn’t listening.
He shouldn’t be doing this. Bonnie and Freya were in a vulnerable position right now. This was only a temporary arrangement. Jacob Layton didn’t form attachments. Not like this.
But everything about this felt right. Everything about this had been simmering under the surface since his first meeting with Bonnie. Now it was exploding to the surface in volcanic proportions.
For his part, the attraction had just grown. The more he got to know her and Freya, the more he admired her. Her strength, her resilience, her determination to do a good job.
Her empathy with patients, her patience with staff. Her sense of humour, her stubborn streak and the way she answered back. Bonnie Reid was one of a kind.
And he was about to make the biggest mistake of his life.
Bonnie had already experienced one screwed-up partner. The last thing she needed was another. His hands stilled on her back.
Bonnie and Freya deserved a bright future. How could he give them one with his cancer history? That would always, permanently, hang over his head. He knew without asking that Bonnie would want more kids.
And he knew without thinking about it that he already believed the cancer was in his genes. He couldn’t do that to a child. He couldn’t do that to Bonnie and Freya.
‘Jacob? Is everything okay?’ She’d pulled back a little, a frown creasing her brow.
‘Mummy?’ The little voice cut through the emotions in the room.
Jacob froze. Bonnie did the opposite. She let out a little gasp, then flicked around, trying to locate her discarded jumper. She leapt off his lap and pulled the jumper over her head. Freya’s voice hadn’t sounded too close. She must be standing at the top of the stairs.
Jacob looked at his crumpled shirt and jumper, still together, but lying at Bonnie’s feet. ‘Do you want me to come?’
She shook her head quickly as she started towards the door. ‘No, no, it’s fine. Let me deal with Freya.’
His last view was of the bottom he so admired in those jeans. He heard her padding up the stairs in her bare feet. ‘Hi, honey. What’s wrong? Let’s get you back to bed.’ He heard the noise of her sweeping Freya into her arms and the voices faded quickly.
Jacob leaned forwards and put his head in his hands. What was he thinking? How could he have explained to Bonnie why he’d stopped kissing her, without telling her about his diagnosis—the one part of himself he still wanted to remain private?
His stomach twisted. He knew none of this was right. But Jacob didn’t share. It didn’t feel normal to him; it didn’t feel natural. Telling Bonnie about his mother had been the first time in his life he’d ever really shared.
But the cancer diagnosis? No. He didn’t want her to look at him that way. With pity. With sympathy. With the ‘I’m sorry there’s a chance you’ll die’ expression on her face.
He never wanted anyone to look at him like that—let alone Bonnie. He’d only told two colleagues—ones he trusted explicitly—and that was only because he’d had to reduce his patient contact while undergoing his most intense treatments. If he could have got away with telling no one that was exactly what he’d have done.
He sighed and leaned back against the sofa, his bare back coming into contact with the leather surface. It wasn’t comfortable, not against bare skin. Somehow he hadn’t noticed with Bonnie on his lap.
He looked around the room. White, stark walls.
It had looked so much better before.
He could admit that now. He could try and be rational about things. It seemed a little easier now he’d told Bonnie about his mother dying at Christmas.
He winced as he remembered the look of their faces earlier when he’d started to tear the decorations back down. How stupid. How pathetic. How ungrateful.
He stood up and grabbed his shirt and jumper from the floor, walking through to the kitchen and dumping them in the laundry basket. He had a pile of clothes sitting on top of the tumble dryer. He grabbed a T-shirt and walked back through to the hall.
He had to find a way to make things up to Bonnie and Freya. He hated that Freya might be scared of him now. He had to do something to change that.
He pulled open the hall cupboard door and was nearly speared in the face with Christmas tree branch. A single red bauble rolled past his feet. She’d stripped the Christmas tree but obviously kept all the decorations.
He gave a smile of relief. That was where she’d stored them.
He glanced at the empty banister. He might not have got some things right tonight, but if he wanted to make it up to them he knew exactly where to start.
