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CHAPTER 4

How Carole Used a Memory to Calm Herself Automatically

How would you like to have a switch that could simply turn off your panic attacks? We can set one up, using a system you were born with. Your parasympathetic nervous system can override stress hormones. It can stop a panic attack in its tracks. All you need is a way to turn it on using the right kind of memory.

What kind of memory can do this? Surprisingly, the answer is not recollection of a happy time or a day relaxing on the beach. At those times, we are relaxed — not because the parasympathetic nervous system is actively calming us, but because the amygdala finds no cause to release stress hormones. We need a memory that activates your parasympathetic nervous system, and calms you in spite of things going on that stress you.

What activates the parasympathetic nervous system? Think for a moment about what a mother does to calm a crying infant. She presents her face. Her soft, loving smile activates the infant’s parasympathetic nervous system. She speaks to the baby. Though the baby does not understand her words, the baby’s parasympathetic nervous system responds to the quality of her voice. In addition, touch — being held or caressed — activates the young child’s parasympathetic nervous system. So there is your answer. The parasympathetic nervous system is activated by face, voice, and touch, provided that the signals being sent are calm, attuned, and caring.

We don’t need to go back to infancy: we don’t remember that far back. But we can use any memory we can recall of being with a close, trusted friend, ideally at a time when we felt our guard let down. Note that when you feel your guard let down, you don’t cause it consciously: it happens unconsciously when the vagus nerve, fully stimulated, releases all the tension present in your body.

In most social situations, we receive signals that we are physically safe. But because people are often competitive and judgmental, the signals they unconsciously send, and which we unconsciously receive, can keep us from feeling emotionally safe. We remain careful about what we say; we do not reveal our private thoughts or genuine feelings. We may even employ a facade to hide behind and protect our real self from being judged by others. But with a good friend, who does not judge us, we may at times feel our guard let down. This happens, according to Porges, when the signals we unconsciously receive are optimal, and cause us to feel physically and emotionally safe.

This was the experience we wanted to evoke when Carole took her drive. To make sure her vagus nerve would be stimulated repeatedly, she linked landmarks along the way to memories of a time with a friend with whom she felt her guard let down. First, Carole remembered being with her friend, and then she imagined that her friend was holding up a photograph of one of the landmarks. By picturing her friend’s face juxtaposed with the photograph, Carole established a visual link between the calming face and the landmark. Next, Carole imagined that she and her friend looked at the landmark photograph together and exchanged a few words about the photograph. This linked her friend’s calming voice to the landmark. Finally, she imagined that as they looked at the photograph together, her friend gave her a reassuring touch, which was also linked to the landmark. Carole continued this process until each landmark had visual, auditory, and physical links to her friend’s calming presence. As Carole took her trip, each landmark she passed, linked to the memories of her friend, activated vagal braking and kept her calm.

This technique can help you regulate arousal in situations that have previously caused anxiety or even panic. Like Carole, you can break the challenging situation down into a series of events or steps and link each of them to a memory of a time when you felt both physically and emotionally safe. This activates your vagus nerve and calms your mind and body.