Читать книгу Beautiful Child: The story of a child trapped in silence and the teacher who refused to give up on her - Torey Hayden, Torey Hayden - Страница 13

The next afternoon started off badly. Billy got into a fight with a child from another class during the lunch break and was banished to the principal’s office. Bob gave Billy the expected lecture and then made him sit in one of the “principal’s chairs,” which were lined up in the hall outside Bob’s office. This was where the “bad kids” sat until Bob told them they could return to their classroom. Billy was incensed. As ever, he couldn’t see how anything that had happened was his fault, and when he came back to my room after the bell rang, his face was red with indignant anger, his voice on the edge of tears at the unfairness of it all. Everybody hated him. Everybody treated him unfairly. It was this stupid school and why did he have to come here anyway? He wanted to go home right then. He wanted his brother. He wanted to go to school where his brother was, because then people wouldn’t keep picking on him.

Fortunately, Julie was there, so she could take the other kids, because I wanted to spend time alone with Billy. My gut feeling was that what he really needed was sympathy and a cuddle, and I knew if I was nice to him, it would make him cry. I wanted to spare him the humiliation of bawling in front of the others, particularly Jesse, who didn’t have a lot of patience with Billy anyhow.

This would have worked out, if I hadn’t forgotten about Gwennie. I was in the hallway with Billy when she came up the stairs. “Hi,” she said cheerfully. “How come he’s crying?”

“None of your business!” Billy snapped back.

“How come he’s crying? What happened? Did he fall down? I fell down. Yesterday. Look. I was on my bike and my bike fell over.” She showed us two scraped knees.

“Make her go away,” Billy pleaded.

“I got a Raleigh bike. It came from England. England is one of –”

“Gwennie, could you just go on into the classroom, please? I’m talking to Billy just now.”

“Yeah, it’s private!” Billy said.

Gwennie didn’t move. She just stared at us. “What’s wrong with him?” she asked me, as if Billy weren’t even there. “Has he got something the matter?”

“Yeah, you!” Billy cried and swung an arm out at her.

Gwennie wasn’t as out of it as she appeared because she quite gracefully stepped back out of his swing. And just stood there.

“Gwennie, please. Julie’s waiting for you.”

It was no use. I gave up, opened the door, and took both Gwennie and Billy into the classroom.

Julie was only just coping. Shane and Zane had gotten into an argument about who was supposed to use the cassette recorder first and Jesse barked his nervousness.

“I remember being a baby,” Gwennie suddenly announced. “I remember my mother putting me in a little chair outside.”

“That’s nice,” I said hurriedly. “Now could you find your chair in here, please? You too, Billy, time to start your folder. You find your chair as well.”

“Oh? When did my chair get lost?” he queried.

“I mean, sit down in it.”

“I was sitting in my little chair and I saw a bird,” Gwennie said. “A bobolink. Bobolinks live in the Great Plains. Some live in Canada. The capital of Canada is Ottawa. Canada’s a very big country –”

“Gwennie.” I pointed sternly to her chair. That’s when I noticed Venus was not at her table.

“Where’s Venus?” I asked Julie.

Julie, looking decidedly harassed, glanced around quickly. “I think she went to the bathroom. She was here. I’m sure she was here.”

I went over to the window. There was Venus, lounging on top of her wall. I had no idea if she had ever come in from lunch or not. “We can’t have this,” I said. “The amount of time that kid misses because no one notices she isn’t here. I’ll go get her.”

“No,” Julie said with unexpected feeling. “I’ll go get her.”

I could hear the unspoken plea not to be left alone in charge of the others. Over the previous few days, I was becoming increasingly aware that I was expecting a bit too much of Julie. While she was experienced in the classroom, she was not a teacher and had no pretensions to be. Obviously, my room had come as a shock after her experiences as a support person to Casey, who was hardworking, sweet-tempered, and confined to a wheelchair.

So while Julie went down to the playground to charm Venus off her wall, I got everyone started on their work. Or at least she tried to charm Venus. Minutes passed. Five, ten. I glanced out the window and Julie was still down there, standing beside the wall, talking up to Venus, who appeared to be ignoring her completely.

About twenty minutes later, Julie returned. She didn’t say anything, but the look of defeat said it all.

“I’ll go get her,” I said. “Everybody here is busy. They can do an activity of their choice, when they’re done with their folders. If you run into problems, call Bob up.”

I think when I said that I knew I wasn’t coming back up myself, at least not for a long time.

Down in the empty playground, I crossed to where Venus was sitting on the wall. “Venus, it’s time for class. When you hear the bell ring, it’s time to come in.”

No response whatsoever. She was in her glamour-queen pose, reclined back with her arms behind her, supporting her weight, head back, eyes closed, one leg up, one leg outstretched along the wall, long hair tumbling down.

“Venus?” I stood below her. The wall was about six feet high, so it was really a very inconvenient height to bring her down from.

She totally ignored me.

“Venus? Do you hear me? It’s time to go in. It’s time for class.”

I knew I’d crossed the Rubicon. By coming out onto the playground myself to get her, I’d played into her game. The only way to make it my game was to ensure she went back with me. I couldn’t back down now and give up. At the same time, I knew whatever I did had to be well gauged. If I reached for her and missed or did not get enough of a grip, she would be over the wall onto the other side and off, the way she had done the other time.

I stood a moment longer, trying to figure out the best way to tackle the problem. It was difficult because the wall was taller than I was and Venus, of course, was on top of it. I didn’t want to lose her but I didn’t want to hurt her either. Nor myself.

Was she aware of me? This was the question that always lurked in the back of my mind. How much awareness was in this incredibly inert child? On the one hand, I felt much of it had to be within her control on some level. There was the definite feel of a power struggle to much of her behavior, certainly during moments like this. She didn’t want to come in and she was accustomed to not having to do what she didn’t want. Like a possum playing dead, if she remained motionless long enough, she was left alone. On the other hand, it was such total unresponsiveness. This gave it the feel of something physical, something so globally wrong that it was beyond her control, like brain damage or hearing loss or a very low IQ. And because I didn’t know, because I hadn’t encountered a child like Venus before, I was left feeling scared of doing the wrong thing.

But inaction never accomplished anything. With one sudden move, I jumped up and grabbed hold of her leg with one hand and her dress with the other. She hadn’t been expecting that. I quickly pulled her off balance and she came down off the wall and into my arms.

Venus sprang to life then. She shrieked blue murder and fought furiously against my grip.

I held on. I tried to sit down to keep her from kicking me, because, of course, being outside, she had her shoes on.

Venus screamed and screamed and screamed. Teachers and children came to the windows of their classrooms. Indeed, I saw someone come out of the house across the street and peer over their fence.

I wrapped my arms around her in a tight bear hug and sat down. Venus came down with a thud into my lap. She kicked and screamed and struggled.

Bob galloped out of the building. “Do you need help?”

“Hold on to her legs. I just want to get her controlled.”

Bob grabbed Venus’s legs and pinned them to the asphalt.

“Calm down,” I said in a soft voice to her ear.

Venus screamed and struggled harder. She disliked Bob holding her legs intensely and directed most of her energy there.

“Calm down,” I said again. “I’ll let go when you’re calm.”

She continued to fight fiercely. Minutes ticked by. She still screamed in a high-pitched, frantic manner.

Minutes. Minutes. Minutes. It was hard to hang on to her. Bob grimly kept hold of her legs. My arms hurt with the tension of keeping her against me. How much worse it must have been for her.

Everyone could hear us. There was an embarrassment factor I hadn’t expected. Normally this was the kind of gritty activity that went on behind closed doors.

I kept talking to her, almost whispering in an effort to get her attention. “Calm down. Quiet. Quiet now. I’ll let go when you’re quiet.” Over and over and over again.

A small eternity spun itself out over the playground. I had no idea how long we were there because I couldn’t raise my arm to see my watch, but I was afraid we were going to run into recess. Would the other teachers think to take their children to a different part of the playground? I dreaded the idea of other children surrounding us, watching. Once started, I felt the need to see this through to its conclusion, particularly after the last time with Julie, when Venus had managed to fight long enough to win her freedom. This was a power struggle I needed to win, if I wanted Venus to start playing the game my way.

Venus went hoarse with her screaming.

“Calm down,” I said for the hundredth time.

Then suddenly she screamed, “Let go!”

Bob and I exchanged surprised glances.

“Calm down. I’ll let go when you’re calm.”

“No! No, no, no!”

“Yes. No screaming. Quiet voice.”

“No! Let go!”

So, I thought, she can talk.

About twenty minutes passed before Venus actually did start to calm down. Exhaustion was taking over by then. She’d almost lost her voice. Her muscles quivered beneath my grasp. Indeed, mine were quivery too.

“Let go!” she cried one last time.

“Quiet voice,” I said.

“Let go.” It was said softly, tearfully.

So, I did. I loosened my grip and stood up. Bob let go of Venus’s legs. I lifted her to her feet but still kept hold of her wrist because I expected her to bolt.

“Wow,” Bob murmured as he dusted off the pants of his suit. “It’s been a while since I did that.”

Venus was still crying, but they were child’s tears.

Kneeling on the asphalt, I pulled Venus against me in a hug. She cried and cried and cried.

Finally I picked Venus up in my arms and carried her into the building. We started up the stairs but when I hit the first flight, I didn’t go on up. Instead, I took her down the hall to the teachers’ lounge. As I hoped, the room was empty. I went in and closed the door behind me. I set her down. Indeed, for the first time, I risked letting go of her altogether.

“Why don’t you sit there,” I said and directed her toward the sofa. Venus did as she was told. I took money out of my pocket and put it in the pop machine. “I’ll bet you’re thirsty after all that, hey? Do you like Coke?”

Venus was watching me. I thought perhaps there was the slightest hint of a nod. Perhaps not. Perhaps it was only wishful thinking on my part. I picked the can out of the tray and opened it.

“Here.”

For the first time Venus responded of her own accord. She reached out and took the Coke from me and drank deeply of it.

“That was hard work, wasn’t it?” I said and sat down across from her. “I’ll bet you’re tired. I am.”

She watched me closely.

“Let’s not have to do this again, okay? Next time the bell rings, please come in. The bell says ‘Time for school.’ So you need to come into the building when you hear it ring. That’s the better way. I didn’t like having to do it this way.”

Venus lowered her eyes. She regarded the can of Coke for a long moment. Then she leaned forward and placed it on the coffee table. For that brief moment she looked like any kid. Then she sat back, let out a long, slow sigh, and the shade lowered again. I could see it happening. It was almost a physical thing passing over her. Venus went blank. Moving that Coke can was the last spontaneous movement she made for the rest of the afternoon.