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Introduction

The Challenge We All Face

This book comes from my own journey out of the chaos of bitterness. Like most of us, I have experienced traumatic events, painful losses, and even deep betrayal. I initially thought that my survival was victory, but I found, over time, I was still trapped—trapped by my own heart’s response. I was becoming the very person I had vowed not to become—that cranky, critical, cynical believer. My relational injuries had begun to define me. All I could see were the ways I had been wronged, the people who had wronged me, and how these perpetrators did not recognize what they had done to me. Yet I wasn’t seeing clearly anymore. I claimed that I had worked through my broken relationships, had forgiven, and that my heart was free, but I wasn’t really free, and the fruit in my life was confirming that fact. It was hard to sustain joy and happiness. I regularly saw the negative side of things; by entertaining bitterness, I was the one who was changing, and not for the good.

In my earlier years I had taught that trees bear fruit, and reminded other believers of Jesus’ teaching that you can know Christians by the fruit they bear. However, I did not understand how my own woundedness and pain fed my tree’s roots. These roots had become completely chaotic and tangled with emotions, so much so that I could no longer decipher nor unravel them. Our roots reveal things about us; it sometimes takes years, but they reveal themselves in our heart’s responses. We all get knocked around in life, having wounded relationships that are never addressed or resolved, and few find the freedom and grace to move on from these relational injuries. This book is designed to be read through carefully and prayerfully to get to the root of this thing we might call frustration or offense but which in reality is bitterness, and hopefully to provide a way for you and others to find forgiveness and freedom.

Bitterness is more than a state of being. It’s a perspective that not only reflects all that we’ve been through in the past, but colors all that we see in the future. We identify it more easily in others than ourselves—we may even deny it to ourselves—but it is real and far more pervasive than we care to recognize. We may hate it, but offense is something that we all have to deal with through all the seasons of our life. Let it seat itself deeply into your soul, and you’ll find it not only produces bitterness against the original insult and offender, but also threads its resentful spirit into many other relationships in your life.

Relational problems are messy, and they are very rarely one-sided. History doesn’t show us a series of problems that started, festered, and ended in the heart of one soul. My life is typically easy and relaxed until I have to interact with others! This was the reason Jesus often talked about relationships with others. He fully knew that we could live with a residue of bitterness for years, and we might not even realize it; but living life alongside others will bring it to the surface very quickly. Additionally, relationships are complex, and it’s not unusual for two people to be in contention due to the completely different angles, family systems, and belief structures they come from. What drives one person crazy does not bother another, and vice versa, yet they’re making each other completely nuts with their differing views on life and how to walk through it. We must realize relational problems are never one-sided.

If you bought this book thinking of someone else, put them out of your mind. If you were hoping to fix someone with the insights you will glean here, adjust your expectations. What I am about to share has little value when applied to someone else. You must first apply it to yourself. I know, because it’s when I have applied it in my own life that I find great freedom as I interact with others.

Through my work as a pastoral counselor, I have watched people struggle with relational injuries day in and day out for the past thirty-three years. Some may even admit they carry offense and unforgiveness, but recognizing the problem and addressing the problem are two separate things. Most people simply can’t let go of their offended heart, so they trudge through life as if dragging a parachute into the wind. They are not the first people in history to do so.

The Offense of Cain

Many of us know the Sunday-school version of Cain and Abel’s story in Genesis 4. What people perhaps have not seen is that this is a perfect lesson in the anatomy of bitterness and gives us great insight in learning how to deal with an offense. Cain watches as the Lord rejects his offering. To make it worse, his younger brother, Abel, is respected by the Lord, and Abel’s offering is accepted. In a fit of rage, Cain murders his brother—but not before the Lord interrupts Cain to have a few words with him.

In a few short verses, God lays out a wise response when dealing with injustice or disappointment, whether perceived or real. God told Cain about the consequences that would follow, should Cain fail to heed this very personal warning. Cain obviously did not heed the counsel that the Lord gave him, and the consequences of his bitterness were literally deadly. The offense in his heart led to the first murder that humanity had known. We shall come back to this story throughout the following chapters and see the wisdom that God gave about how to escape the clutches of this enemy of the heart.

As we start this journey into better understanding this problem, I want you to give yourself permission to ask, “How does this apply to me?” Everybody deals with disappointment in some fashion, somewhere along the journey of life. Let me give you a few examples of events that might have happened in your life that were challenging to get over. Perhaps you feel you didn’t get the recognition you deserved in the workplace or the chance that everyone else had. It could be that your legitimate accomplishments were ignored or even mocked throughout your education. Perhaps you were overlooked for a ministry or church assignment due to poor leadership over you. Maybe someone who you had been very vulnerable with chose to use that information against you. Perhaps they lied to you; perhaps they defrauded you of money or opportunity, and as a result unrighteousness seemed to win in the moment. Perhaps you are dealing with family dysfunction and relational breakdown due to sin or sickness. Or, as with the case of Cain and Abel, someone actually died and you cannot bring yourself to forgive the one whom you believe is the perpetrator.

You tell your friends that it’s okay and you’re over it, but you think about it a lot more than you wish. Three weeks, six months, even years later, when you get near a similar situation, you are awash with emotions and frustrations that you have stuffed away for years, but are unable to pinpoint exactly why you’re upset.

We all deal with injustice and disappointment—from the deeply painful to the seemingly mundane. The injustices of life are not easily answered. This book is about how we handle the injustices, how we choose to navigate our hearts through the midst of them, and how we live free from their sting.