Читать книгу Linda Vista (TCG Edition) - Tracy Letts - Страница 14

Wheeler’s new apartment.

Wheeler and Paul.

WHEELER: Thanks.

PAUL: You don’t have that much stuff.

WHEELER: Know what I say when someone asks me to move their shit?

PAUL: What?

WHEELER: “No.”

PAUL: Has anyone ever asked you? I wouldn’t ask you.

WHEELER: Well, no, probably no one’s ever asked me. But I can tell you what I wouldn’t say, I wouldn’t say, “Oh, hey, I’d love to help you out but I slammed my dick in a car door and I gotta go to the doctor.”

PAUL: You wouldn’t say that, huh?

WHEELER: Point is, I don’t lie.

PAUL: You don’t lie in response to a question no one’s asked you?

WHEELER: Want to get a bite to eat? Want to get some Mexican? On me.

PAUL: I can’t, Margaret and I have a dinner thing. Old friends of Margaret’s. They’re in town.

WHEELER: They’re not staying with you, are they?

PAUL: Just tonight. They’re in for a wedding tomorrow. So we’re going out to dinner. Fleming’s.

WHEELER: You seem enthusiastic.

PAUL: It’s all right. It’s fine. They’re old friends and we don’t have a lot in common anymore, you know?

WHEELER: That’s why new friends are better than old friends.

PAUL: You think?

WHEELER: Cause of what you said, we lose whatever we had in common with old friends, we change. Why do we have to stick with old friends forever? They’re not family. We should be able to just trade in old friends for new ones.

PAUL: What about loyalty?

WHEELER: Loyalty to an idea is better than loyalty to people.

PAUL: No. You believe that?

WHEELER: Loyalty to people is how you wind up camping with Hitler.

PAUL: And he was not a good camper. One thing with these friends, they’re so conservative politically?

WHEELER: Which is exactly what I’m saying. Don’t tell me they’re Trump voters.

PAUL: I don’t know, I’m afraid to bring it up.

WHEELER: You cannot be friends with these people. The problem with these racist cocksuckers isn’t that they’re doing too much OxyContin, it’s that they need to do a whole lot more. I stopped trying to be polite about it.

PAUL: Were you trying to be polite about it?

WHEELER: And we’re supposed to find middle ground with these people. What middle ground, where is this ground in the middle? These people are so fucking stupid, they think human beings walked around with dinosaurs. I have to find middle ground with that? “No, sir, you’re an idiot, I’d prefer not to meet you anywhere near the middle. I’ll stay right here and you stay way over there on the stupid side.” Aren’t you obligated to deal with these assholes at work?

PAUL: Kind of an unwritten rule at City Hall, we never talk politics.

WHEELER: I was out to dinner with this girl and we were talking, turns out she comes from this big military family, like everybody in the family has served, and I hear this and I’m thinking, “Please don’t say some dumb shit about the stupid border wall or NFL players taking a knee cause I just won’t handle it well,” and so I play it cool, y’know, “Thanks for their service,” or whatever, and then I said, very concerned, “Too bad we’re always stuck in these pointless bullshit wars, like too bad all these motherfuckers are dead for no good reason.” And she went off on me! I said, “Didn’t I say, ‘Thanks for their service?’ I’m on their side, I don’t want these guys going off and dying, I think they should just stay anchored out there in the bay doing their dumb fucking maneuvers and doing, y’know, pushups.”

PAUL: How’d that go over?

WHEELER: I got the check while she started singing “Proud to Be an American.” And this girl, my God . . . like Ali Mac-Graw. I would’ve worn a MAGA hat if she’d let me do all my dirty things.

PAUL: Wow. Like Goodbye, Columbus Ali MacGraw?

WHEELER: More like Convoy Ali MacGraw.

PAUL: Ew, with the perm?

WHEELER: She didn’t have a perm.

PAUL: Ali MacGraw had a perm in Convoy.

WHEELER: This girl did not have a perm.

PAUL: Then how is she like Convoy Ali MacGraw?

WHEELER: The essence. The essence of Convoy Ali MacGraw.

PAUL: When you say Convoy Ali MacGraw, I pretty much just picture that perm.

WHEELER: Well, stop picturing that.

PAUL: I don’t get that, why’d they make her perm her hair? That long straight brunette hair was her signature, y’know?

WHEELER: The crooked front tooth was her signature. The long straight brunette hair was a feature, but the crooked front tooth was her signature.

PAUL: She was a sex addict, you know.

WHEELER: Really? How do you know?

PAUL: I don’t have any inside information. She wrote it in her autobiography.

WHEELER: You read Ali MacGraw’s autobiography?

PAUL: No.

WHEELER: She was a sex addict? That pisses me off.

PAUL: Why’s that?

WHEELER: I never meet any female sex addicts. I’ve never once met a female sex addict. Where was I when Ali MacGraw was addicted to sex?

PAUL: You were about nine years old.

WHEELER: Don’t play with numbers. There’s a principle here.

PAUL: There’s no guarantee she would’ve been into you at any age.

WHEELER: Isn’t that the whole thing about a sex addict? They’re not known for their discernment.

PAUL: The most hardcore sex addict still might not be into you.

WHEELER: What kind of addiction is that? C’mon. “Sex addict.” Is that even a real thing? We start throwing around the word addiction for everything we do or use immoderately but does that really make it an addiction?

PAUL: I guess it depends on how you define—

WHEELER: Let me ask you. I don’t even have to ask, I know the answer. When you were a kid, didn’t you jerk off all the time?

PAUL: Sure.

WHEELER: Is that an addiction? When you were thirteen years old, were you addicted to jerking off?

PAUL: I’m still addicted to jerking off.

WHEELER: Up top.

(They slap a casual high five.)

Maybe Ali MacGraw just liked to fuck a lot. Should we criminalize her for that?

PAUL: I’m not criminalizing her. I didn’t call her a sex addict.

WHEELER: You just called her a sex addict.

PAUL: She called herself a sex addict.

WHEELER: Well she’s being too hard on herself. She shoulda just said, “Hi, I’m Ali MacGraw and I like to fuck a lot.”

PAUL: Used to.

WHEELER: “Hi, I’m Ali MacGraw and I used to like to fuck a lot.”

PAUL: What is this she’s doing, is she on a commercial?

WHEELER: Yes, she is. “Hi, I’m Ali MacGraw and I used to like to fuck a lot, so when I use paper towels, I use Brawny.”

PAUL: What does fucking a lot have to do with paper towels?

WHEELER: She’s a celebrity spokesperson, the talent doesn’t have to match the product. Remember Joe DiMaggio and Mr. Coffee? “Hi, I’m Joe DiMaggio, I hit .325 lifetime and have nine rings, so when I drink coffee, I make it in this cheap plastic piece of shit.”

PAUL: Nine rings? Is that right?

WHEELER: Oh yeah. Fucking Yankees.

PAUL: You had a date. I didn’t know you were dating.

WHEELER: I’ve had a couple dates.

PAUL: Anything look promising?

WHEELER: No, nothing serious, I’m really not looking. I mean there’s the new girl at work. Anita.

PAUL: Anita, that’s the brunette.

WHEELER: Yeah, you met her. The new girl. Not really brunette.

PAUL: You’re going out with Anita?

WHEELER: No, we went to lunch. Just over to the food court.

PAUL: She seems great. I mean I barely met her.

WHEELER: She is great.

PAUL: She has ample breasts.

WHEELER: Very large breasts.

PAUL: I mean substantial.

WHEELER: Are we just looking for different ways to say big?

PAUL: Have you seen them?

WHEELER: We had a twenty-minute lunch at the food court,

PAUL. She didn’t expose her bosom at the Lotus Express.

PAUL: I’m glad you’re going out. I’ve been worried about you.

WHEELER: Why?

PAUL: You’ve been through a tough time.

WHEELER: Yeah, but I got this place now and I’m getting it together.

PAUL: How’d you find this place?

WHEELER: The internet.

PAUL: It’s all right.

WHEELER: Anything’s an improvement over the cot in my wife’s garage. My kid looking out there in the morning like, “Who’s the loser sleeping in the garage? Oh that’s right, it’s my dad.”

PAUL: How many square feet?

WHEELER: I don’t know, eight hundred, nine hundred. Eight hundred. Two bedrooms. And you got the pool out there.

PAUL: Right.

WHEELER: And you can see the ocean.

PAUL: You can?

WHEELER: Look through there.

PAUL: I am.

WHEELER: Stand here. Now stand up straight.

PAUL: What, is that it?

WHEELER: You’re looking to the right of the silver building?

PAUL: Oh, there it is, got it.

WHEELER: Yeah, so there’s a view.

PAUL: And did this furniture come with the place?

WHEELER: Yeah, you could get it with or without. I mean, what am I gonna do, go out and buy a bunch of furniture?

PAUL: You could.

WHEELER: Fuck that. This stuff is fine. (Pause) You want a beer?

(Paul hesitates.)

Have a beer. It’s the least I can do.

PAUL: Sure, I got a few minutes.

WHEELER: You want a glass?

PAUL: No, that’s okay.

WHEELER: The grocery store isn’t far from here.

PAUL: That’s good.

WHEELER: And that huge Vietnamese market. It’s like the Walmart of Vietnamese markets.

PAUL: Here’s to the new place.

WHEELER: The new place.

(They clink bottles.)

PAUL: This should make dating easier, right? A place to bring all your ladies. It’s not like you could take them back to Kelly’s garage.

WHEELER: I really should not be with a woman right now.

PAUL: Yeah, okay.

WHEELER: I mean it. It’s hard for me right now to even just sit with a woman and have a conversation. I’m too old to pretend to be something I’m not and a lot of the things I am are not attractive. And this divorce has a way to go, and it’s not nasty exactly, but I can see nasty from here.

PAUL: Really.

WHEELER: The money’s turned into a sticking point. Which is strange.

PAUL: Yeah, cause you don’t have any money.

WHEELER: I get that my kid’s involved so I’m prepared to pay for that. But I sat down with Kelly and I threw out a number and she said, “You’re not even close.” I said, “What’s your number?” And she wrote it down—I think she knew how outrageous it would sound spoken out into the world—and it was a number so high only dogs could hear it. So now we got arbitration and these asshole lawyers and it’s a big fucking clusterfuck.

PAUL: This has been going on for more than a year.

WHEELER: Two years, this past Valentine’s Day. The affair, the discovery of the affair, was more than two years ago.

PAUL: Two years! Wheeler! That’s a long time to live like this.

WHEELER: What do you mean, “like this?”

PAUL: Like a character from a Steely Dan song.

WHEELER: I’m all right. My marriage went south, I’m not the first.

PAUL: How’s Gabe?

WHEELER: Who knows? He doesn’t talk to me.

PAUL: He doesn’t talk to you.

WHEELER: He’s thirteen, he doesn’t talk to anybody. I don’t know what’s going on with him. He’s all fucked up.

PAUL: Does he talk to Kelly?

WHEELER: He’ll give her some sass but that’s a whole mother-son thing, I got nothing to do with it. It’s them against the world. He just grunts with me. A grunt is a lot, really. You get a grunt, you really feel like you’re getting somewhere.

PAUL: But he’s all right?

WHEELER: How the fuck would I know?! He could be sniffing glue and pulling the wings off birds, for all I know.

PAUL: Is he still playing ball?

WHEELER: That ended a while ago. He doesn’t do anything.

He’s on the computer a lot.

(A moment.)

PAUL: All right, I should get going.

WHEELER: Yeah, go eat a steak. Tell Margaret I said hello.

PAUL: I’ll do it.

WHEELER: And if your friends voted for Trump, tell them a grateful nation says go fuck yourself.

PAUL: All right.

WHEELER: And thanks for your help today, I appreciate it. Y’know, I’ve got this hip.

PAUL: So if we fixed you up, would you be up for that?

WHEELER: Who’s we? Is this your idea or is it Margaret’s?

PAUL: Margaret’s.

WHEELER: Okay, sure, what’s the pitch? Who is this?

PAUL: You don’t know her.

WHEELER: I like her already.

PAUL: And she’s nice looking.

WHEELER: I’m not so hung up on that.

PAUL: I admire that about you. Your lack of standards.

WHEELER: Come on, look at me. You gotta know what pool you’re swimming in. Is she roughly my age?

PAUL: She’s a little younger than you.

WHEELER: Not too young. I don’t want some girl who doesn’t remember New Coke.

PAUL: Not too young.

WHEELER: Does she have a job?

PAUL: She has a job. She has a good job.

WHEELER: She’s not the mayor or something like that, is she?

PAUL: I don’t know if it’s a good job. It’s an interesting job. She’s a life coach.

WHEELER: What the fuck.

PAUL: A life coach. She helps people, y’know . . .

WHEELER: What, breathe?

PAUL: It’s for people who get stuck. They’re dissatisfied with life, or some aspect of their life.

WHEELER: Not like anyone I know.

PAUL: They procrastinate, or their home life is in a rut, or they just can’t decide what it is they really want to do with their life, so they consult with Jules. She’s got a healthy business, works for herself, has a lot of clients.

WHEELER: How do you know her?

PAUL: Margaret used her. She helped Margaret launch this new business with the apps.

WHEELER: The carpet thing?

PAUL: Home design. Yes.

WHEELER: How’s that going?

PAUL: Going great.

WHEELER: She making any money off that?

PAUL: Not really.

WHEELER: Any?

PAUL: No.

WHEELER: What did you say this woman’s name is? Jules?

PAUL: Jules Isch.

WHEELER: Are you saying her first name isn’t exactly Jules?

PAUL: No, I’m saying that her last name is Isch. Tell you what, we’ll double.

WHEELER: Is that a good idea?

PAUL: It’s a great idea. We’ll just go out to eat, real casual.

WHEELER: Yeah, nothing fancy, please.

PAUL: Nothing fancy.

WHEELER: Don’t take me anywhere that serves foam.

PAUL: Burgers and fries, I promise.

WHEELER: C’mon, don’t make it like that, that place was over the top.

PAUL: It’s a great restaurant.

WHEELER: Dinner should not take six hours. I’m afraid I’m going to wake up and still be eating there. And there was foam on my plate! The waiter acted like I should be happy about that. “Excuse me, does someone in the kitchen have rabies?”

PAUL: We’ll find someplace you’re comfortable. I’ll call you.

WHEELER: Thanks, Paul.

(They hug.)

PAUL: Want to play some squash soon?

WHEELER: I got all the time in the world.

PAUL: All right. Enjoy your place.

(Paul exits. Wheeler stares at his apartment.)