Читать книгу I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell - Tucker Max - Страница 9

Occurred—various 1994–2004

Written—July 2004

Blowjobs…the sweet sounds of silence. The problem with oral sex is that it’s like writing. When done right, it’s amazing, but there are just so many ways it can go wrong, and when it does, it’s just not worth it. These are some of my funnier blowjob stories:

Say It, Don’t Spray It

High school was the first time I realized that blowjobs would be a painful pleasure. I was dating a girl from another school in my area. Besides being one of the hottest girls I’ve ever known, she was also one of the very first girls to give me head. We were both new at it, and she liked me to courtesy tap. This was because I had convinced her that—I’m not making this up—it wasn’t “real” oral sex as long as I didn’t cum in her mouth. Aren’t 17 year-olds funny?

The first few dozen times she went down on me I courtesy tapped just like she’d asked. One time we were in my car, parked right out front of her house because I was dropping her off after a date. Instead of a kiss goodnight, I suggested she blow me goodnight. She thought this was a brilliant idea.

I quickly got carried away with the risk and thrill of having her suck my dick twenty yards away from her house where her father, who I hated, was waiting for her to come home. I was lost in the sexual ecstasy of the dangerous youthful blowjob when I heard her let out a little yelp. She immediately sat up, her mouth half-open, full of splooge, the excess dripping off her chin, and uttered a muffled,

“You asshole!”

Then she spit the cum all over my face. Sprayed it all over me.

I was still recovering from getting my own jism spat into my own face as she jumped out of my car and sprinted into her house. I quickly drove off. I had no desire to face her rifle-wielding father with my face covered in my sperm.

Once I was out of imminent danger, I couldn’t help but laugh. I had no idea that this would only be the first in a long line of strange blowjob incidents.

Miss Chokesondick

One girl I was dating the summer after I graduated high school, “Jayne,” had never given head before she started seeing me. Now, my experience has taught me that whenever a girl tells me she “doesn’t normally give head,” she inevitably ends up giving me an incredible blowjob. It’s the ones who say they never do it that do it the best. Jayne was the exception.

She was the absolute worst I’ve ever experienced. I’ve never even heard of girls worse at fellatio than Jayne. Her teeth were all over my dick, she had no rhythm, no enthusiasm, and had a mouth that mysteriously never got moist. It was awful.

It took a month of painstaking instruction before she finally got good enough that I didn’t just stop her after five minutes and tell her to jerk me off—she was that bad. After another month or so, she got good enough that she could at least come close to finishing me off by herself. Here’s the weirdest part: no matter how much she improved, she never moved her head. She kept her head still and I would have to move my hips. This was annoying, but I was patient with her because she was stunningly beautiful, and I was still young enough to think I was actually capable of love.

One night she was doing a pretty good job, and I got very enthused with my hip thrusts when I felt a warm, wet sensation on my crotch. I was laying on my back, and I looked down and saw what looked like A LOT of splooge.

This confused me because even though I was close to coming, I didn’t think I had actually achieved orgasm. The cum was chunky to the touch, very dark, and much more viscous than any semen that I’ve ever seen shoot out of my dick. My first thought was that she had given me some crazy hybrid VD that made my discharge all thick and chunky. I dismissed that, but my mind was still racing. I couldn’t figure out what could be wrong, so I said, “What did you do to my dick?”

She looked up at me. The expression on her face immediately gave it away:

“Oh my God—did you just throw up on my dick? Did you just VOMIT ON MY FUCKING DICK?”

Yes, Tucker. Yes she did.

I ended up dating her for another two years (beauty does strange things to the male mind), but she stopped going down on me, and we just focused on vaginal sex from that point forward.

Bull’s-Eye

The next incident was a few years later, in college, right after I had discovered the art of coming on a girl’s face. Even before I made the term “dotting her eyes” famous, I was a fan of giving the facial.

As my climax approached, I moved her onto her back and pulled out just in time, covering her face with a solid 5-roper. Being the neophyte, I had no idea how to aim, and accidentally shot the first—and strongest—rope right in her eye. As I finished and collapsed, very happy with myself and proud of my prodigious paint job, I noticed the look of agony and pain on her face.

Tucker “Baby, are you OK? What’s wrong?”

Girl “I… I can’t see… Jesus, it hurts…it’s burning.”

I helped her scoop most of it out of her eye and, both of us still naked and sweaty, I led her into the bathroom where she washed her eye out for a good five minutes.

Apparently, semen does not agree with the eye. I called her “Red Eye” for the next few hours, until she got mad and refused to ever give me head again. Then I apologized profusely. She forgave me until she realized that she had ejaculate in her hair and had to wash it twice to get it all out. Needless to say, there were no more facials for her. After that, she swallowed every bit of my seed like a nun taking communion.

The Phantom Menace

One time when I was visiting some friends and family in D.C., I went out drinking and ended up going home with a girl. I’ll be honest: this girl was not attractive. But she was into me, and she was there, and perhaps most importantly—she just gave off a blowjob vibe. You know the type; they aren’t good-looking or exceptional in any way, but they just give off a look that says, “I suck dick like I invented it.”

I was pretty drunk when we got back to her place, but that didn’t seem to faze her. We didn’t even make it to the bedroom. She grabbed me right as we came in the door, undid my pants as she pushed me onto her white sofa and knelt on the ground in front of me, working me right there in her living room.

My God was I right: She blew me away, literally and figuratively. She must have spent at least 20 minutes fellating me, never once taking her mouth off my penis, slurping at the exact right moments in the exact right places. She was so good even my ankles started sweating. God bless whoever taught her.

As soon as she finished, she went to the bathroom to wash out her mouth (she’s one of those), and I stood up to rifle through my pants pocket and get a condom when I saw the sofa: there was a HUGE skid mark prominently displayed on her WHITE sofa.

I laughed at first. Then I remembered that she drove me to her place…and she lived a good 30 minutes away from where I was staying. As the thought of having to hitchhike 45 miles walked through my mind, she appeared out of the bathroom. Fuck.

Thinking fast, I put my pants on the sofa and romantically whisked her into her bedroom, where I had to fuck her at least three or four times to get her to go to sleep. Once she was safely out, I snuck out of her room and flipped the cushion.

I still don’t know if she ever found that stain.

Blowjob Betty

Those incidents were from back when I was young and cared about things like feelings and emotions. As I grew older and my soul became jaded, I realized that I could be an asshole and get away with it, so I became more risky with my blowjob activities.

One time I was with a girl, we’ll call her “Betty.” She lived in a house with three other girls, but they were all out, so we hooked up in her living room. Betty was a master of her craft, and especially loved going down on me. She was hitting the crescendo of her well-conducted symphony of knob-slobbing, but right before I felt myself let loose into her mouth, the door to her house opened.

Her roommate was barely inside when she saw Betty on her knees sucking me off like she was auditioning for a porn movie. Betty, lips still wrapped firmly around my penis, hand wrapped around my shaft, heard the noise and looked up. Momentarily the eyes of the two roommates locked, one walking in the door, the other with my dick in her mouth. At that moment in time, two things happened simultaneously:

 I shot my load into Betty’s mouth.

 The roommate screamed and ran back out the door.

I had not cum for about three days before this encounter, and thus I had a Peter North-sized eight-roper waiting for her. This did not sit well with Betty, especially because she was not expecting it.

Betty tried to take the porn star load, but it was just too much. She was not ready and still trying to process the fact that her roommate saw her sucking dick, so she started choking. Not coughing or a slight choke—the bitch was turning red and dying right in front of me, with my seed as the instrument of death.

I was unsure what to do; I’d never seen a girl choke on dick before. I thought that only happened in rap songs.

After about five seconds of watching her retch, the words from the Too Short song “Blowjob Betty” rang through my head, “A young girl died just last night, she choked on sperm in her windpipe….” So I did the only thing I could think of: I gave her the Heimlich Maneuver.

I grabbed her around her chest just below her breasts and pulled my fists into her ribcage with all my force. After about three times she heaved, coughed my splooge all over her couch and started yelling at me, “STOP IT! [cough] YOU’RE HURTING ME! [cough] STOP ASSHOLE!”

I ended up having to take her to the hospital. Not for asphyxiation—she wasn’t choking after all, the cum just surprised her and got in her nose. Nope…in my enthusiasm to save her life, I had succeeded in breaking one of her ribs.

The highlight of the night was at the ER when the doctor told me that I did a very good job with the Heimlich. Apparently, you’re actually supposed to break a rib if you do it right.

We never could get the old magic back after that night. It might have been because she couldn’t take a deep breath for two months.

A Satisfying Meal

My personal favorite blowjob story happened with a girl I hooked up with only once. I met her in some city, out at some bar, on some night—I barely even remember what she looked like (thank you, Dollar Beer Night). I am pretty sure she was engaged, but it wasn’t to any of my friends, so I didn’t care.

The girl did a pretty decent job sucking me off, especially considering how much I drank, and I finished in her mouth. Like a pro, she kept her lips wrapped around my dick till it was dry, but when she came up, there was a strange look on her face. She contorted her expression a little, opened her mouth like she was going to vomit, which of course made me pull back quickly, then all of a sudden:

“BUUUUUURRRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPP!”

The girl belched like a drunken sailor—OFF OF MY CUM!

Easily one of the proudest moments of my life.