Читать книгу English as She is Wrote - Unknown - Страница 3

Two young women want washing.

Teeth extracted with great pains.

Babies taken and finished in ten minutes by a country photographer.

Wood and coal split.

Wanted, a female who has a knowledge of fitting boots of a good moral character.

For sale, a handsome piano, the property of a young lady who is leaving Scotland in a walnut case with turned legs.

A large Spanish blue gentleman's cloak lost in the neighborhood of the market.

To be sold, a splendid gray horse, calculated for a charger, or would carry a lady with a switch tail.

Wanted, a young man to take charge of horses of a religious turn of mind.

A lady advertises her desire for a husband "with a Roman nose having strong religious tendencies."

Wanted, a young man to look after a horse of the Methodist persuasion.

A chemist inquires, "Will the gentleman who left his stomach for analysis please call and get it, together with the result?"

Wanted, an accomplished poodle nurse. Wages, $5.00 a week.

In the far West a man advertises for a woman "to wash, iron and milk one or two cows."

Lost a cameo brooch representing Venus and Adonis on the Drumcondra Road about 10 o'clock on Tuesday evening.

An advertiser, having made an advantageous purchase, offers for sale, on very low terms, "six dozen of prime port wine, late the property of a gentleman forty years of age, full of body, and with a high bouquet."

A steamboat-captain, in advertising for an excursion, closes thus: "Tickets, 25 cents; children half price, to be had at the captain's office."

Among carriages to be disposed of, mention is made of "a mail phaeton, the property of a gentleman with a moveable head as good as new."

An inducement to return property is offered as follows: "If the gentleman who keeps the shoe store with a red head will return the umbrella of a young lady with whalebone ribs and an iron handle to the slate-roofed grocer's shop, he will hear of something to his advantage, as the same is a gift of a deceased mother now no more with the name engraved upon it."

An English matrimonial advertisement reads as follows: "A young man about 25 years of Age, in a very good trade, whose Father will make him worth £1000, would willingly embrace a suitable MATCH. He has been brought up a Dissenter with his Parents, and is a sober man."

A landlady, innocent of grammatical knowledge, advertises that she has "a fine, airy, well-furnished bedroom for a gentleman twelve feet square"; another has "a cheap and desirable suit of rooms for a respectable family in good repair"; still another has "a hall bedroom for a single woman 8 × 12."

A photographer's sign reads: "This style 3 pictures finished in fifteen minutes while you wait for twenty-five cents beautifully colored."

A cheap restaurant displays this sign: "Oyster pies open all night," and "Coffee and cakes off the griddle."

A baker displays the sign, "Family Baking Done Here." The sign would look more appropriate if it were in front of some of our "cool and well-ventilated" summer-resort hotels.

The sign at Abraham Lowe's inn, Douglas, Isle of Man, is accompanied by this quaint verse:

On a vacant lot back of Covington, Kentucky, is posted this sign: "No plane base Boll on these Primaces."

Notice in a Hoboken ferry-boat: "The seats in this cabin are reserved for ladies. Gentlemen are requested not to occupy them until the ladies are seated."

A sign in a Pennsylvania town reads as follows: "John Smith, teacher of cowtillions and other dances—grammar taut in the neatest manner—fresh salt herrin on draft—likewise Goodfreys cordjial—rutes sassage and other garden truck—N. B. bawl on friday nite—prayer meetin chuesday—also salme singing by the quire."

The following notice appeared on the fence of a vacant lot in Brooklyn: "All persons are forbidden to throw ashes on this lot under penalty of the law or any other garbage."

A barber's sign in Buffalo, N.Y., has the following: "This is the place for physiognomical hair-cutting and ecstatic shaving and shampooing."

A San Francisco boot-black, of poetic aspirations, proclaims his superior skill in the following lines, pasted over the door of his establishment:

The following appears on a Welsh shoemaker's sign-board: "Pryce Dyas Coblar, dealer in Bacco Shag and Pig Tail Bacon and Ginarbread, Eggs laid by me, and very good Paradise in the summer, Gentlemen and Lady can have good Tae and Crumpets and Straw berry with a scim milk, because I can't get no cream. N. B. Shuse and Boots mended very well."

An Irish inn exhibits the following in large type:

An inn near London displays a board with the following inscription: