Читать книгу Comic Tales from the Best Authors - Various - Страница 5

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John Audley was a good simple soul, a parish-clerk and a cobler, and lived at Eccleston in Lancashire; where he had many years exercised these respectable functions, entirely to his own satisfaction, and, generally speaking, to the content of the good folks of the village. His talents were held in much estimation by the lads and lasses in the neighbourhood; he had assisted at most of the christenings, mended their shoes, cut their valentines, pronounced Amen, and sung Arthur O'Bradley at their weddings; and was famous for having himself, three several times in his life, seen the Shrieking Woman, and the apparition of the Murdered Tinker. He also told more stories of ghosts and hobgoblins than any person in Eccleston, Dame Dickinson the midwife alone excepted.

John Audley's customers, like the houses of the parish where he lived, lay scattered. He had been, on a winter evening, to carry home a pair of mended shoes to farmer Down's; and was returning, by moon-light, half petrified with fear, and endeavouring to whistle away from remembrance the story of the Tall Woman in White, and her Headless Horse; when suddenly a four-footed creature brushed by him, and a voice thundered through his ears—'Hey, Firetail! Firetail—Ah, sirrah! here, devil, here!'—'Lord have mercy upon me!' said John Audley, and again the thing passed him, swift as dust blown by a whirlwind. John's legs were exceedingly willing to run, but wanted the power, and therefore stopped. His eyes were fixed upon two animals that he saw approaching; they appeared of a frightful magnitude and figure: one of them walked upright, and the other on all-fours; both had heads as rough as a Russian bear, and both grew bigger and bigger as they drew near.

'In the name of the Father, Son, and—' 'Bow, wow!' replied Firetail, cutting short John Audley's invocation,—'Ah, rascal! keep close, devil!' said the upright apparition; and Firetail growled and retreated. 'Lord have mercy upon me!' again said John Audley, who imagined the devil was only restrained for a moment, that he might return with greater fury. 'How now, friend!' said Firetail's master, 'What, are you at prayers in this place? What do you do down upon your marrow-bones?'—'I charge you, in the name of God,' answered John, 'tell me, be you a Christian, a ghost, or a devil?'—'Neither.'—'Wh-wh-what are you, then?'—, A merry fellow, a traveller, and, moreover, a story-teller.'—'And is not that an evil spirit by your side?'—'An evil spirit!—What, Firetail?—A bottle-conjurer!'—'Lord preserve me!'—'A calf's head and cabbage. Lie down, sirrah! Be quiet, dog's face!—You would find him an evil spirit if I were to let him loose upon you, perhaps.'—'I pray you, don't!—I pray you, don't!—My name's John Audley—I am a poor harmless man, and a parish-clerk, and mortally afraid of evil spirits.'

John Audley, by the arguments of the stranger, was half inclined, after a deal of persuasion, to believe him real flesh and blood; that Firetail was a rough Newfoundland dog; and that the hairy head of his master was a shaggy goat-skin cap, made in a whimsical form; so that the eyes (that is, eyes of glass) face, and horns, were preserved. Such an apparition, at such a time, and in such a place, might have startled a stouter man than John Audley: but though he began to suspect him not to be actually the devil, he remained firmly persuaded he must be a conjuror at least; and this opinion was confirmed, both by his head-dress, which exactly tallied with John's ideas of a conjuror, and his sudden supernatural appearance; as supernatural indeed it was to him, whose fear had swallowed up his senses.

'And pray, Sir,' said John Audley, as they were jogging on together, 'What may your name be?'—'Andrew Errant.'—'And where be you going to-night?'—As far as your house, friend; where, with your leave, I intend to sup and sleep.'—John Audley's pulse again began to quicken; he was afraid to say yes, but still more afraid to say no; he would have told a lie, and said he had neither meat nor bed, had he not thought the conjuror knew to the contrary, and would take some desperate revenge: at last he stammered out, 'Yo-you-your worship shall be very welcome.'

Mr Errant was a very communicative person; and, as they walked along, informed his companion, that he was of a merry, happy temper, loved rambling, hated employment, and was blessed with a quick imagination, and a good memory, by means of which he contrived to live; in short, that he was, by trade, a story-teller; a trade formerly in great request, but now grown obsolete, he being the only one who at present lived by it professionally; not one word of all which John Audley believed. Mr Errant added, that whether it was for the want of rivals, or his own excellence, he could not absolutely determine; but that he had been very successful in his attempts, and that he never visited a family a second time who were not very glad to see him, and who did not make a little feast to entertain him whenever he called. John Audley understood by this, that the conjuror loved good eating and drinking; and for once he was not mistaken.

Mr Errant continued giving farther traits of his talents and character; such as, that he had a large assortment of stories, humorous, marvellous, terrible, and tender; that he always studied the temper and dispositions of his hearers before he began; and that the faculty he had of suiting his history to his host, was, as he believed, the principal cause of his success. 'You, now, honest John Audley,' said he, 'I am sure, are very attentive to any tale of a ghost; and so, I warrant, is your good wife.' John Audley blessed himself, 'How well he knows my name! (He had forgot that he himself had told it.) He knows I have a wife too, and knows—he knows every thing!' Such were John's silent cogitations, when they arrived at his cottage.

John Audley's dwelling was snug, well thatched, and warm; the inside was decorated with shelves, on which the white and well-scoured wooden dishes and trenchers were placed in rows: beneath which were pasted King Charles's Golden Rules, Death and the Lady, with various miraculous histories of angels that appeared in white robes to ministers of the gospel, and devils that carried away perjured lovers, Sabbath-breakers, and blasphemers, in flashes of fire, to the astonishment and terror of all beholders.

John Audley opened his door, winked to his wife Dorothy with significant terror, and told her he had brought home a very honest gentleman, to give him a bed for the night, and a bit of such meat as she had in the house. Dorothy, who was not in the habit of paying implicit obedience to her husband's mandates, was going to put in a caveat; and John, who knew by her physiognomy she would not be nice in her choice of words, sidled up to her and whispered in her ear—'Hold thy foolish tongue; do not be curst'—-'tis a conjuror!'—Dorothy had almost as great respect for, or rather fear of, conjurors, as John Audley himself; her countenance changed, she dropt a curtsey, placed a stool, cast a look at the cap and the dog, trembled, and desired the gentleman would sit down, and drew her countenance into a demure form.

'Thou hadst better kill the young cock, and boil him with a bit of bacon,' said John. 'I will,' replied Dorothy! and went about it, though it grieved her to the heart—she could have sold him for ninepence at Prescot market.

She presently returned with the victim in her hand; telling John Audley, as she entered, with an expressive look and emphasis, that she had not the least difficulty in catching him, but that, on the contrary, he had flown into her arms.

Although the talkative and frank disposition of Mr Errant was some relief to the awakened fears of John and Dorothy, it could not make them totally subside; and as fear is nearly related to cunning, it inspired John with a thought, which he imagined would act like a charm in his favour, supposing the conjuror should be inclined to be mischievous, from the nature of such animals, which he believed to be exceedingly probable. This was no other, than to reach down the bible, and sit upon it; which John Audley effected with great slyness and dexterity. We have before remarked, that John was of the Gentle Craft; and it is here necessary to observe, that there was a ball of shoemaker's wax, which by accident had been laid upon the bible, over which, being near the fire, it had spread; and this, in his anxiety to cheat the devil, or (which is much the same) the conjuror, John Audley had never noticed, but placed it under next his breech, which being thus in contact with the bible, he hoped might secure his body against the power of magic.

Mr Errant, whose profession in some measure implied a ready wit, and a certain knowledge of the heart, observed the working of that powerful sorceress Fancy upon the spirits of John and Dorothy, determined to convert it to his own amusement. 'I will tell you the story of the Bleeding Finger, good folks,' said he; 'it is very strange, and very true: it will divert us while the pot is boiling, and I dare say you will like to hear it.'

The Story of the Bleeding Finger.

'There lived a magician in days of old, who had power over the winds and waves; whose word could command the demons of the deep, and the spirits of the air durst not disobey his will. This magician was held to be a sociable, merry, good sort of person when pleased, considering he was a magician; for, you must understand, conjurors, wizards, necromancers, and magicians, are very tetchy and revengeful, and never fail to send their imps and goblins, to torment such as affront or use them disrespectfully.

'The name of this magician was Tomogorod, which signifies Eat-him-up; and he had a daughter, called Holakaree, that is to say, Blood-sucker, who was an enchantress. Whenever either of them went abroad, they had at least one spirit to attend them, who was sometimes disguised in the form of a bear, at others in a monkey or cat, and sometimes in the likeness of a huge mastiff; mostly, for expedition's sake, they travelled through the air, and then they were usually drawn by four flaming torches, followed by fiends in the shape of tadpoles, who were so numerous, that their swarms darkened the air.

'Tomogorod,' as I have said, 'was not much inclined to mischief, unless provoked; but woe be to any one that affronted him! If he asked a clownish fellow where he was going, and the lout returned a saucy answer, he would fix him astride upon the next stile without the power of moving, or turn him into a pitchfork, and give him his own shape again when any body had stuck him up to the hilts in a dunghill. His name denoted him to be a lover of good living, and he always behaved civilly to such as gave him the best they had to eat.

'Holakaree, his daughter, who was of an ambitious temper, had the wickedness to fall in love with the king's son, a youth of three and twenty, of a sweet disposition, and the most charming person in the world. His name was Dulimond, which means Dimple-face, and he was the sole heir to the crown. It happened one day, while he was hunting, that he saw the most beautiful blue hare run by him that eyes had ever beheld, and he was so charmed with the appearance of that strange animal, that he could not forbear leaving his other sport to follow this new game. He presently lost sight of his courtiers and attendants; who, as people often are, were more intent upon their diversion than their duty.

'He followed the animal for more than half an hour; and being mounted upon a swift Arabian courser, seemed every instant to be within a hair's-breadth of catching her; when presently his eye was attracted, by the descent of an eagle, that darted upon the hare, and rose with an incredible swiftness, till they were both lost in the clouds. While the prince stood gazing, and looking after the eagle and her prey, which still remained like a speck upon his sight, the sky began to lower, the heavens darkened, and the distant thunders rolled. The prince looked round, but saw neither place of refuge nor human being. The storm increased; the elements, with dreadful bursts, seemed to crack and split over his very head; and the fires of the firmament darted their forked and penetrating essence into the torn bosom of the earth. But what astonished him most was, that though the waters appeared to stream from the heavens on every side of him, not a hair of his head, nor a thread of his garments, were wet. The heart of Dulimond was as the heart of a lion; he was awed, but not dismayed.

'While his eyes were endeavouring to trace the uncertain path of the life-snatching lightning, and his ears filled with the terrific tumults of the sky, he beheld, not far above him, a bright cloud, that seemed in the centre to be a lambent flame, and whence issued a voice loud and impulsive, but sweet as music in dreams, which pronounced distinctly the following words:

"Beware of her with a Golden Thumb. Follow the Bleeding Finger. Plunge, fearless, into the Lake of Bitterness, to recover the white wand of Orophalis. Plunge, fearless, into the Lake of Bitterness, and obedient; or you perish."

'The voice ceased, and the rain, and the thunder, and the lightning, were no more; the sun was resplendent, the forest had vanished, and the scene was changed. Vallies of a thousand different reviving shades of green were seen on every side; aromatic shrubs, flowers, and various trees, were scattered round, and distant lakes, and more distant mountains, were in view.

'The prince, filled with wonder at all these strange accidents, was sunk deep in reflection; insomuch, that his eyes were fixed, and his soul absorbed by the cogitations of his mind; when he was awakened from his trance by the voice of a lady, who sweetly and courteously demanded, if he could direct her to the palace of the Seven Dragons. Dulimond started, looked up, and was again fixed in astonishment. Never before had he beheld such perfections, such grace, such features! Seated upon a milk-white courser, with hair that descended in waving ringlets upon her horse's back, and a face more beauteous than the face of Nature at the sun's rising, this lady looked like a spirit of heaven, and not an inhabitant of the earth. She was obliged to repeat her question; and the prince, respectfully bowing, answered, he never before had heard of such a palace. The lady gracefully inclined her head in token of thanks, and passed swiftly forward; while the prince, ravished with the angelic apparition, gave his steed the rein, kept within sight of her, and forgot the scenes that had so lately happened.

'They rode that way for more than an hour, at a hard rate, when they came to a vast forest. The prince, who had a piercing eye, beheld an inscription as he was riding by the side of the forest; and stopping a moment in hopes of learning some intelligence, whereby he might oblige the lady, he read—

"This leads to the Palace of the Seven Dragons."

'The prince immediately put spurs to his horse; and, gently calling after the lady, beckoned her to return. She, who seemed to have slackened her pace when Dulimond stopped, presently heard, and obeyed. As she approached the prince, she thanked him with the most winning words and action; whilst he, ravished with her charms and condescension, prayed to be admitted to escort her to the palace. The lady again gave a courteous reply, and they entered the forest together. They had not proceeded far, before they lost all sight of the surrounding country, and were buried in a gloom so thick, that light could scarcely penetrate. As they rode on, strange noises saluted their ears; sometimes, as it were, the faint groanings of the dying; at others, the fierce howlings of wild beasts in torture; and then again like the whizzing of sky-rockets, accompanied with loud, confused, and innumerable shrieks and screams, as though the spirits of the air were battling till the very elements were tormented. Visions, as strange as the sounds they heard, likewise molested their journey: at one instant, a head without a body would seem to dance backward before them, sometimes with ghastly looks, and sometimes with grimaces, mewing at them; at another, serpents, the bodies of which were black, their eyes flaming, and their tales triply divided, with a sting at the end of each, seemed to threaten the travellers: but, what was more remarkable, an urchin, that lay in the path at the entrance of the forest, became a ball of fire, and rolled itself along before them, as if to direct them in the rout they should pursue.

'Dulimond was not more astonished at these things than at the behaviour of the lady; who continued her way undismayed, and almost without noticing such strange events, notwithstanding that the demons (for the forest was enchanted) became more dreadfully terrible in their howls and shrieks, and unnatural shapes, the farther they proceeded. However, if a lady had the courage to go on, it was not for Dulimond to recede! It almost appeared unmanly to draw his sabre; but from doing this it was scarcely possible to refrain, so fearfully were they beset. Nor could the dangers to which they were exposed hinder the prince from thinking on his most beautiful companion with rapture. Her demeanour, her form, her wit, and her fortitude, made him consider her as a miracle; and he found his affections so totally enslaved, as to be absolutely irretrievable. How could he forbear to admire, when he heard her only utter some short exclamation at the moment that the fiends were most horrible and insolent, and when he saw her turn and smile with ineffable sweetness upon him, as it were to wish him not to fear or suffer on her account? This he esteemed a noble generosity of soul; and he could not but adore her who was capable of such heroic exertion.

'They came at length to the other side of the forest; and the urchin of fire that accompanied them bounded from the earth, and gambolled in the air with a thousand antic motions. Instead, however, of an open country, they beheld a black rock, the front of which extended farther than sight, and its summit lay beyond the clouds. As they approached it, they read in huge and transparent characters,

"This is the entrance to the Palace of the Seven Dragons."

"How," cried Dulimond, "this the entrance! Here is no entrance; this is a vast and solid rock: a rock of marble; and all the powers of nature cannot enter here!"

'The lady smiled, alighted nimbly from her horse, approached the place of the inscription, and stretched forth her arm. She laid her thumb, her Golden Thumb, upon the marble, when instantaneous thunder rolled, and the massy front of the rock opened.

'Imagine what was the astonishment of Dulimond, and what his grief, when he beheld this miracle performed by the Lady with the Golden Thumb! His heart sunk in his bosom, and his arm fell nerveless by his side. Yet this was no time for despondency; danger was before him, behind him, and on every side of him; and the crisis of his fate drew on.

'The chasm of the rock had remained open some minutes, the prince stood plunged in sorrowful suspense, and the lady seemed attending on his coming. A voice proclaimed—

"Let not such as would enter the Palace of the Seven Dragons linger, for the Rock of Sculls is about to close."

'At the same moment, Dulimond beheld a naked arm, with the fore-finger slowly dropping blood, and pointing the way to the palace of the Seven Dragons. The vision, though horrible, gave him pleasure; his heart was with the lady; and he rejoiced that his duty furnished him with an excuse to follow his inclinations.

'The prince had but just time to make the passage of the rock before it shut; and had he been a moment later, it would have closed upon him; which accident having happened to many, it was called the Rock of Sculls. They proceeded onward till they came to a bridge, where lay the Seven Dragons, whence the palace derived it's name. At their approach, all these horrible monsters lashed their prodigious tails, opened their destructive jaws (set all over with teeth like harrows), and projected their long and forked tongues; and, with an insatiate fury, were flying upon Dulimond. Mortal resistance to such enemies seemed vain, and death inevitable; when, at the very instant they were about to seize on the prince, the lady held forth the Golden Thumb, and they dropped senseless to the earth in a profound sleep.

'They passed the bridge, and drew near to the palace, which was the most superb that eyes ever beheld. Its magnitude and architecture filled the mind with grandeur, and the richness of its ornaments dazzled the sight to behold. They came at last to a place where the road divided; one way went directly forward, and the other deviated to the left, which led to the palace. On the confines of the latter stood troops of nymphs, whom none could equal in beauty, the Lady with the Golden Thumb alone excepted, and such as imagination only has seen. Some of them played on instruments, the sound of which ravished the ear; others danced with such delightful motion, as put mortal senses into a delirium of pleasure. They were come to meet the lady and prince, and this way were they proceeding, when Dulimond beheld the Bleeding Finger point the contrary road. He stopped, he looked, he considered, his bosom heaved a profound sigh, the war within him was strong, and his body was motionless. The lady did not persuade him by words, she took a more powerful method; her looks, sorrowful and dejected; her eyes, with all the well-feigned grief of poverty, told him, that in him was all her happiness centered; with him she should be blessed; without him miserable. Neither did she remind him of the dangers to which he had been exposed, and from which he had been preserved by her; therefore Dulimond remembered them the more forcibly. His heart was enslaved by her beauty, he could no longer resist her charms, and again he began to follow her; when the air was filled with the most doleful wailings, and the finger of the naked arm began to stream with blood.

'The heart of Dulimond was strongly virtuous: he had been nurtured in a sublime morality. The remembrance of the firm resolutions he had so often made, to persevere amidst all temptations in the paths of rectitude and honour, came with a gleam of heroic ardour upon his mind, elevated his soul, and made it equal to the glorious contest. He turned his eyes from the witcheries of passion and pleasure, and, with a determined spirit, followed the naked arm; the blood again more slowly dropped; but the vast concave of the sky became tortured with shrieks, cries, and howlings, so piercing, that distraction would have seized any one of less virtue and courage than Dulimond.

'Undaunted did he follow his bleeding guide, though the fiends now transformed themselves into ten thousand hideous shapes, and chattered at, insulted, and assaulted him, with a hundred-fold more malignity and fury, than they did in his passage through the inchanted forest. He came at length to the Lake of Bitterness; but who can describe the dreadful, horrible, and disgusting animals, by which its waters were guarded! On the surface, vipers, water-snakes, and dun-coloured serpents, hissed terror with their forked tongues. At the border lay toads, with starting eyes and vast bloated bodies; their mouths just above the water, diving sometimes beneath the slimy sedge, while the lake bubbled poison, and again ascending to the water's edge. The bottom was covered over with lizards, newts, and efts, darting upon their prey; reptiles, with speckled bellies and a hundred legs, that shot swift as an arrow from a bow, whither their voracity or malice willed; and spiders, so huge and inflated, that the shagged hair of their bodies was like the bristles of the hunted boar; and their eyes, globular and projecting, were as the eyes of tigers watching whom they might devour.

'All these, and innumerable others for which nature has no likeness, immediately, on the approach of Dulimond, ceased their obscene sports, and rancorous wars, on one another; and, with their million of mouths, came in voracious swarms, as if in expectation of their prey. Humanity shuddered, and shrunk: it was a sight of horror.

'The naked arm, in the mean time, rested over the centre of the lake, the finger ceased to bleed, and pointed downward. Thither the prince cast his eye, and beheld the white wand of Orophalis; he stayed not to consider on the danger; but quitted his steed, and threw himself, fearless, into the Lake of Bitterness. His arm divided the waters; and though his body seemed to be penetrated and torn by a host of these devouring reptiles, he still had the power to proceed. He arrived at the spot; and, unterrified, plunged to the bottom. The earth shook; the heavens were on fire, and Nature seemed to groan, as though her end was come. He seized the wand; and, lo! the lake was no more! He stood upon dry land, his enemies were annihilated, and himself unhurt.

'While he stood considering these things, he heard a sound of a multitude singing "Praises to the valorous Prince Dulimond, who hath broken the charms of hell, and hath delivered us from the spells of Holakaree." He turned, and saw coming towards him troops of knights and ladies; and, at their head, a venerable old man, leading as he thought, the Lady of the Golden Thumb.

"Fear not, valorous prince," said the aged knight; "your trials are past, and your reward is come: this virgin is no enchantress."

'The happiness of Dulimond was extreme, when he was informed, that Holakaree had assumed the beauteous form of Bellimante; that the vile enchantress was now no more: that his valour and virtue had freed the most angelic princess of the universe, her father, and many other noble knights and ladies, who had fallen into her snares. In his transport, he cast himself at Bellimante's feet, and kissed her virgin hand, which he was in extacy to find was not now stigmatized by the Golden Thumb.

'As for the magician Tomogorod, he became disconsolate for the loss of his daughter; and, some say, he now wanders over the face of the earth without a settled habitation; and that he is always attended by one faithful demon, that assists him in his wants, and revenges him upon his enemies.

'So ends the tale of the Bleeding Finger.'

It is easy to imagine, what effect a story like this would have upon John Audley and his dame Dorothy. Had not Mr Errant, who still was attentive to the supper, occasionally interrupted his narrative, to remind his hostess of the pot's boiling, the cock and bacon might have cooked themselves for Dorothy. Blue hares, bleeding fingers, enchanted forests, and the rest of the machinery, were things so amazing, so new, and so true to them, that gaping astonishment, terror, and agitation, possessed them wholly. And though our narrator could not so far degrade his subject as to lower his language to their exact scale of comprehension, yet his fine words, and figurative expressions, gave even at the fire-side of John Audley, a certain dignity to his subject that made it more wonderful.

It may be observed, too, with what art Mr Errant threw in touches, which, though in themselves foreign, and of a heterogeneous nature to the subject, served his purpose. Thus, though the magician was a character inconsistent with and superfluous to the tale, he was not so to Mr Errant. The insinuation, that he was attended by the devil in the shape of a dog, was not lost upon John Audley; and the concluding sentence, that again revived this circumstance in his memory, had its due weight. In short, John's imagination had been led such a dance, and was so much disturbed, that he could not be said precisely to know, if he was sitting in a cottage, or in an enchanted castle.

Mr Errant had observed the incident of the bible, as well as the wax that was attached to it; and waving his walking-stick in a circular and grave manner, touched it, and demanded of John what it was he had under him. John, who doubted whether the stick was a stick, or the wand of Orophalis, replied, with a trembling voice—'The-the-the bi-bible—bible, Sir,'—'The bible!—are you sure it is the bible—or are you sure it is actually there?'—'I-I believe so, Sir,'—'Be so good as to rise and come see.' John trembled, rose, and looked, but no bible was there.—His hair would have lifted his hat off, had it been on.—'The Lord of heaven bless me!' said John.—'Christ have mercy upon me!'—'What is that fastened to thy—' said Dorothy. John clapped his hand behind, and ejaculated—'The Lord pardon me, miserable sinner; I am bewitched!' Mr Errant could not forbear laughing at John's distress: it was truly ludicrous—John Audley was fully convinced he was now more firmly married to the bible than ever he had been to Dorothy herself; nay, and strange it may seem, he thought the last the worst match of the two. To carry such a wen for life was not to be supported. John fell on his knees—'I pray and beseech you, for the love of Heaven's mercy, almighty goodness, and grace, Mr Conjurer, have pity on me—I am a poor, innocent man; I never meant to offend your worship's goodness; indeed, indeed, I never did!' John did not perform his part solus; Dorothy prayed as fast as he; and Mr Errant, as soon as he could for laughing, desired John to rise, and he would disenchant him; which office he kindly and faithfully performed: and, after a few consolatory sentences, which Mr Errant knew perfectly well how to adapt, he prevailed on his simple, but kind hosts, to prepare for supper.

Had it not been for that powerful and universal disturber, Fear, it would have been difficult to have found, in a like number of persons, a more happy fire-side, or one round which there was more true content, and native simplicity of heart. Even this very fear had something of pleasure in it, and something enviable. It was a delirium of the soul, to be at supper with an enchanter; to see a demon, in the form of a dog, fixing his eyes upon them; and to suppose that, if the mighty conjuror pleased, he could turn their cottage into a palace, or fly with them through the air, escorted by an army of spirits, to the remotest parts of the earth. There is a large portion of the sublime, even to philosophy, in such ideas, notwithstanding their extravagance; but, to the simple and believing soul, they form an incomprehensible world of wonders, which, though dreadful, it delights to contemplate.

The present occasion could not fail to recall to the imagination of John Audley his own adventures with the ghosts, and the stories he had heard others relate. 'An't please you,' said John to Mr Errant, 'did you ever see the Skreeking Woman?'—'No,'—'No! now I have seen her three times.'—'And pray what kind of a lady is she?'—'Why, I'll tell your honour. As I wur walking home one night from Thomas O'Wilkins, (I remember Dame Dickinson had that very night been telling us a mort of tales about ghosts;) and so, as I wur turning the corner of Roger Fairley's barn, I saw, what I then thought to be a huge black cat; and so it run towards the barn-door, and vanished. So, upon seeing it vanish, I begun to bethink me; and, to tell you truth, I wur almost afraid to go by the door where the huge black cat vanished. So I stood still a bit to consider; and, as sure as you are alive, I thought I smelt a smell o' brimstone. So, to tell you the truth, I began to be mortagiously frightened and afraid! and so, as I wur standing there, I heard the most woundy uproar, and squeaking and squalling, and scampering, in the barn, that ever I heard sin' the hour I wur born. So I bethought me, that this barn were certainly a meeting place for witches and wizzards; and, what made it more likely, it wur Saturday night, and the wind had just then begun to blow as thof heaven and earth would come together; so that, what with the noise within and the noise without, you never in all your life heard such a deadly din: I'm sure I never did; except, indeed, the night that old Miser Gripegut died. Well, as I tell you, there I stood, quite in a stound, and could neither stir foot backward nor forward; and in a deadly taking, to be sure, I wur, as you may well think: for you must know, it came into my mind, that they might drag me into the barn and make a wizzard o' me, whether I would or no; nay, and I do assure you, I saw an imp, in the very exact form of a rat, that came out of the barn, and ran tow'rd me, as fierce as thof it wur resolute to seize upon me: but, as Heaven would have it, I started, and cried, "God bless me!" and it vanished. Well; and so as I wur standing there, with my eye fixed upon the barn-door, for I durst no' venture to turn my head the least in the world to the right or to the left, all at once there wur a dead cold hand clapt to my cheek, and something at the same time gave me such a whang on the back, that down I fell, and I really thought there wur an end o' me. But, however, for once it seems I wur more frightened than hurt, as I found afterwards, when Dick Walter, or Dick Dare-devil, as he is called in our parish, gave me his hand, and helped me up. You may be sure I wur not a little pleased; so I told him the whole story of the Black Cat and the clattering, and the devil's imp running at me to make a wizzard o' me, and all; and so he pretended to laugh at me, and not to believe me, and not to put no faith in such things; but that, as you may suppose, was all pretence, for I am certain every body knows there is such things; because, why, does not the bible tell us so? But Dick had a mind to seem fasheous, and fear nothing; though, to be sure, Dick is as bold as a lion, and as strong as a horse, and there is not a man in Lancashire dare to face him fairly; but then, to be sure, he is deadly wicked and prophane; and I have heard him challenge old Nick, if he durst appear. And so I was so pleased to find Dick, that I would take him down to Hal's at the bottom of the hill, and gi' him a mug of ale. So away we went; and when we came there, we found Will Tipler, the drunken shoemaker, along wi' Farmer Upton's tall Tom, who is six-foot seven inches and a half without his shoes: and so Dick would be a pint to my pint; and Will he wur another; and Tom wur another; and so on, till we made it very late; and so you must know, my road home from Hal's lay over the stile and gate, where the Skreeking Woman commonly sits; but you must know by this time I had got a drop in my head, and then, somehow or another, when one's in company wi' Dick, one never fears nothing; and he is such a good-natured fellow too, when nobody puts upon him, for he won't suffer no man to fash and affront any man that he is in company wi'; so, as I tell you, I had to go over the Skreeking Woman's stile; so as I did no' half like it, but wur got pot-valiant, and would no' ask Dick to go wi' me, for I knew he'd game and laugh at me. So away I set; and so, as I told you, a deadly windy night it wur; so, as sure as can be, when I had got a bit from the house, I began to feel a forethought, and to be partly sure that I should see her; and the farther I went, the more I wur certain; and so I began heartily to wish I had got Dick or some one to come wi' me: but that was all over; so away I went wi' my heart in my mouth, as I may say, and I wish I may be hanged if my hair did not stand an end every now and then wi' thinking on't. Well; so, as I tell you, I kept going my gait a thisen till I came almost wi' my nose upon the stile; but I should have told you, it wur most mortagious dark, for the moon wur gone down, and the night wur as black as pitch. I believe in my heart the heavens never sent out or saw a more murky welkin; the sky wur like a bag of soot. So, as I tell you, I had got wi' my very nose almost upon the stile, when all of a sudden I saw her rise from behind the hedge, as it were, and place herself upon the stile. Lord! how my knees knocked together! At first I had not the power to move hand or limb; and I do think I stood for some minutes, with no more life in me than an oyster; and then, when I came a little to myself, my teeth chattered, and I dithered as thof I had been in an ague: so what to do I did na know: for if I turned back she would walk before me. So I bethought me it wur best to put my trust in my Maker, and to say the Lord's prayer, and so go a bit lower down along the hedge where there wur a gate. Well: will you believe me; as sure as I sit on this stool, when I came to the gate, there wur she again. "The Lord of heaven's goodness deliver me," thought I, "what will become o' me!" And so, do you know, all the sins that ever I had committed began to come into my head. I bethought me o' the five apples I had stolen when I went to school with old Dame Trott o' Prescot; and of the bastard I had, by half-witted Mall o' the Hill, before I wur four and twenty; and o' the robin-red-breast I shot instead of a crow; and the silver-groat that I found, the first year I was made clerk o' this parish, which I wickedly spent at the fair instead of giving notice on't at the church-door, as I ought to have done; and moreover, of having the very Sunday before fallen asleep in sarmunt time, and what wur worser, when his reverence, the vicar, wur in the pulpit, and not the curate; which his reverence afterwards told me, in the vestry, wur breaking the commandments, and an abomination to the Lord. So, as I tell you, I began to pray to the gracious Providence of marcy, for deliverance and forgiveness of my sins; for, to be sure, as I have told you, a wicked sinner I had been; so, while as I wur here, in this most dismal and terrible astoundification, some how or another, I found she wur vanished and disappeared, and wur gone; so I then fell upon my knees, and thanked the grace of heavenly goodness, and the Lord of hosts, and the Almighty Maker of heaven and earth, and the God of Israel, for all his manifold marciful loving-kindness to me a poor wicked and unworthy sinner; and so I begun to put my trust in him; and so, seeing as I did not see her any longer, I ventured by little and little tow'rd the gate; and so at last I laid my hand upon't, and then one foot, and then t'other; and so at last I got o' the other side o' the hedge, and so I wur fain to walk by the hedge side for fear o' losing myself, it wur so mortagious dark, as I tell you; and so, as I wur walking along, I thought I heard a whispering o' t'other side o' the hedge; and I am not a Christian soul in the land o' the living, if it wur not as like the whispering of men's voices as my right-hand is to my left; and so my hair began to bristle as bad almost as before, and I stopt; and so, when I stopt, the whispering vanished; but I heard a mortagious running and a scampering, and a clattering o' feet, o' t'other side o' the hedge, which I could compare to nothing but a parcel of devils running a race towards the stile; and, for all we know well enough that spirit's bodies are not bodies, I'm sure they made as great a clattering as thof they had had legs and feet of flesh and blood. Well; so I wur now, as I thought, o' the right side o' the hedge, so I kept my gait till I came to the stile; and seeing as I saw nothing of her there, I began to have some hopes that she wur gone for good and all; so I set forward again tow'rd home, and begun to bethink me that I had got something to talk about as long as I lived; but will you believe me? I had not gone not half the field's length, till I saw her again walking right before me! "The Lord of heavenly blessedness defend me!" thought I; "what will become o' me!" I stopt, and she stopt—I took heart and made two or three-steps—and so did she. Never since I wur a sinner, wur I in such a quandary before! What could I do? If a man is so fearful as to turn back, I had always been told, she is so mischievous she will twine his neck round, mayhap, or blight him i' the eyes, or somewhat like, as she struck Goody Hazel a box o' the ear, and she has been deaf o' that side ever sin. So, as I said, what could I do? Why, I prayed to the Lord, and thought I would keep on my gait as long as she was that distance before me. I should have told you, tho', she wur all in white, or else, as you may think, I could no a' seen her; there wur not a sheet in all Lancashire whiter than she; and at first she did na seem so high as my breast, and she walked as thof she were partly lame, or crouching on the hams; and so I had na followed her far, before she began to get higher and higher!—and higher and higher!—and higher and higher!—till at last, Lord Almighty bless me! she wur taller than any tree in Eccleston parish, or the next to it, I am positive? Marcy's goodness be upon me, what a condition I wur in! Well; and so, would you believe it? when she wur at the tallest, she turned about, and gave such a stride tow'rds me! and a skreek! and, as I suppose, vanished; for I dropped down as dead as this trencher; and there, as Heaven's marcy would have it, wur found by Dick Walters and Tall Tom; and so they, seeing me so frightened, (for I did na stir out of my bed for a week) wanted to persuade me that it wur nowt but a trick o' theirs to scare me; but, however, I wur na such a fool as to believe'm, as you may well think, after what I had seen and heard.'

John Audley ended; and his looks, while relating, were sufficient to convince the hearer what his sensations must have been, while his wicked companions were playing him the trick he had just recounted. Mr Errant had been much among the simple inhabitants of villages, and knew how impossible it is to cure those who have once contracted the disease of credulity: he knew too, there is in every district a Dick Dare-devil, who diverts himself at the expense of those whose faculties or bodies are not so robust as his own.