Читать книгу Kiri - Venus Stella - Страница 2

Where different worlds touch, a fire ignites, and if it is protected, it will be eternal.

What word do you most associate with life? Hmm-mm, interesting question, isn't it? We wait for something or someone every second, every moment of our lives, every day. So to me, life is equivalent to the word wait. We wait out bad weather, unpleasant situations, painful relationships, a black streak of adversity. We wait for good news, we wait for "the right person," we wait for a carefree life, we wait for a million dollars to fall on our heads in the form of an unexpected inheritance from our great-great-grandmother. All life consists of endless waiting. But sometimes, this expectation, in turn, tends to have the opposite effect. For example: we get tired of waiting for a person to change. This is the most fatal mistake all people make, waiting for such a miracle. After all, people do not change at their core, a person is a personality, formed, adult. It's foolish to expect water to turn into wine. Isn't it?

He created himself bit by bit, starting from his mother's womb, when his DNA was laid in him. Then he greedily absorbed, in his childhood years, the concept of "relationships." Now in his head is laid down what is good, what is bad, what is acceptable. And the reckless youth? When the youthful maximalism is pounding? Some may remember that time with a smile, some with great regret. And someone just remained in our memory, because he will never become an adult … Excessive waiting kills any desire. It happens more often than we think. You just burn out, and you stop waiting. Or should I say, waiting.

I'm a former fan of the "postponed life". You know those favorite expressions, "Let's do it later," "Let's do it tomorrow"? And those "laters" never end. We keep our favorite jeans in the closet that are sure to fit us when we lose weight. We wait for Monday to work out. Putting aside health issues. We could go on and on. Sound familiar? It's not just months and weeks that go by, it's years that go by. At times like these, you have to wonder, why do you procrastinate? Maybe it's not a matter of lack of time or opportunity, but because you've already made up your mind to leave things the way they were? But how we love to clutter up our lives with unnecessary things, people and events. Things that don't mean a thing on the scale of our lives, that are so trivial, but that we devote so much time and energy to, losing sight of, something insanely beautiful, something that really matters.

I woke up in the early morning hours, with the faint, full moon barely visible in the blue haze outside the window, the sun rising, enveloping every inch of our mortal world. Bringing warmth and awakening to the world around us. I love waking up when all the family is still asleep, when there is such silence outside the window, as if the whole world had frozen over. It feels as if the entire universe belongs to you alone. At times like this, even the sun shines brighter, everything feels deeper, like you were in a long hibernation and just woke up. I love this time alone with myself. As I got out of bed today, I was suddenly struck by the realization that I felt free from my mental shackles. Hmmm, I really do feel easier to breathe, I don't feel heavy on my soul anymore, I don't have universal apathy weighing on my shoulders. You know what it's like when you get tired of life? When withdrawal begins, as if

the whole world has decided to hang all the pain, rage, and depression on you? When you can't even stand yourself? You think, "God, when did everything go wrong? " Where did I go wrong?", "When did I take a wrong turn? ". And you don't know where to put yourself, the emptiness inside you begins to burn, bringing more pain. You start to get angry at yourself, angry and crying. Such quiet hysteria… A storm warning inside yourself. And there's one thought in your head, "I just want to disappear." Never, do you hear? Never let that thought live and grow roots inside you. Time, as clichéd as it sounds, the truth heals, it gives you strength to resist, it gives you peace of mind, and you begin to look at everything through the prism of philosophy. Someone's "great" problem will seem to some as a mere trifle, not even worth attention. As a result, even after the strongest storm, the darkest night, everything calms down and the dawn necessarily comes. That's the way the world works. Alas, you and I can't get away from it. Either wait for the sea to calm down, or fight and swim against the current. The choice is always yours, no one will make it for you. Because your most loyal fan is only yourself.

When I went out on the balcony, I took a deep breath, the air in the spring is something special, it is as if impregnated with the fragrance of flowers, nature is reborn, awakening and you with it. It's a wonderful feeling… Isn't it? I closed my eyes, exposing my face to the first morning sunlight, and smiled. From the inner euphoria of excess serotonin, I guess I was brought out by the stabbing pain coming from my lower lip. Because never, believe me, should you smile if your lips are chapped. I'm not the only one who has chapped lips when the wind blows, am I? They literally drive me crazy. In the spring, this problem is always exacerbated, probably because of the changeable weather, the rain, the cold, the "let's wear shorts today. You know… So what do I do at dawn? That's right! Of course, I run to find that strawberry lip balm. Why strawberry? Because I have a long, burning love affair with strawberries. I need a beauty supply store or at least a drugstore, I need to do an urgent rescue on my lips before I eat them all up. Why, when I need something, can't I find it? There are a great many stores around and not one that fits. The law of meanness is just, that's what I call it. I look around. So…Not that, that's not it. Oh! I see, great cosmetics store, just what I need right now. I run as fast as I can and rattle into the store, grabbing the door so I don't fall. Damn these shoes in heels, instead of femininity turns on the function "cow on ice"! When I feel like I'm on my feet, I fix my red coat and look around to make sure no one

saw me nearly flip-flop when I entered the store. But alas, as expected, several pairs of eyes were looking at me. But it's okay, as the saying goes: "A smart man won't tell, a fool won't notice," and I walk into the store with a confident gait, as if nothing had happened.

– Hello! Welcome to our Morning Star store. Can I help you with something?

– Hello! No, thank you.

It was very strange, the store was empty except for the clerks. Am I the only one shopping this early? I am surrounded by shelves and display cases of cosmetics, I am in a woman's paradise. It is a very bright store, I love it when there is a lot of light, everything is so bright and flashy, I want to touch and smell everything. But I shove these tantalizing images away and head straight for the rotating showcase of lip care products. At the very top I see a caring hygienic lipstick, it's the only one left, I reach for it, grab it with my hands, turn around, but I can't leave, because my hand is covered with a warm, large palm. Stop! What? I don't understand… What is it? I turn my head in bewilderment at what's happening, and I see

smiling dark eyes. They were so appealing and were looking at me so intently. This is the first time I've ever seen such a shade of eye color… Let me think… That's my favorite drink! Coffee-colored eyes. Not cappuccino, of course, but like a tart espresso. When he walked around the window without letting go of my hand, I just opened my mouth in surprise. Now I could see him all the way up, wearing a black cap pulled forward, covering almost half of his face, a black bomber, a black T-shirt, and light blue jeans. I can't even move, let alone say anything, and I just stand there like an idol. I am so impressed by his appearance. He seems so huge compared to me. And it's clearly not my grandmother's mezzanine, it's at least a closet.

– I didn't know angels could come down to us from heaven…

That's it! Curtain! You can relax. I exhaled noisily and rolled my eyes at those words. What? I can't believe I blew it like that. That's such a spectacular exit, and it's all ruined. Was he serious? What was I supposed to do? Fall at his feet and melt like last year's snow? Well, I

have to hand it to him, the low timbre of his voice, combined with his beautiful coffee-colored eyes, would make any girl's heart beat faster. It's a shame that half his face is hidden behind a mask. The shape of his lips can say a lot about the person he's talking to. I involuntarily bit my lower lip at the thought of them.

– I don't know about the angels, but I'm straight from hell. – That's it! Checkmate! My inner girl did a somersault.

His eyes sparkled and small lines appeared in the corners of his eyes, so he smiled. Strange, I thought my words would at least temper his ardor or scare him off.

– Excuse me, little miss, who is straight from hell. I am also very fond of this particular brand of lipstick, but as a gentleman I give it to you. – Without letting go of my hand, he turned my palm, and put the very lipstick I had chosen on top of it with his warm palm.

– Thank you…– I barely spoke, stammering and blushing a little, not expecting such a reaction from him.

I had to tilt my head back to see his face. Oh, that was a fatal mistake on my part, because you could drown in those eyes… He leaned lower, and I could see the sparkle in his eyes, the sheer pleasure of his superiority, of being able to embarrass me so easily.

– I'll see you again, little miss. – he winked, before disappearing as suddenly as he'd appeared.

I stood there for a few more seconds, holding my arms out in the air. What was that? I shook my head and exhaled noisily, looking around. There was no one around, no sign of him. You'd think this was a well-thought-out scenario… My gut told me it wouldn't be the last time we'd meet. As I walked to the checkout counter, I felt warmth where his palms touched me. I held out my merchandise to pay and get out of here as quickly as possible. Because I could feel my cheeks burning, I must be red as a cancer. I hope this fancy SS cream hides my blush, or I'll fall to the ground in shame.

– Hello! Your order has been paid for and you were asked to pass this on.

An envelope was handed to me. A small, red, unremarkable envelope. I wondered what was in it.

– Thank you! But who paid, can I find out?

– A tall man, wearing a black cap. He refused to tell us his name, but assured us that you would understand.

– Oh-oh-oh… Even so… Okay, thank you.

– We look forward to seeing you in our store again!

When did he manage to do all this? Write a letter and pay in a couple of minutes? It's beyond the realm of possibility. Or did he skillfully fend off pesky information about the week's promotions and sales. I can hardly believe it. I went outside and looked at the envelope, it said "For Little Miss," and I rolled my eyes at the inscription. Inside, of course,

was a note, where a few lines were written briefly and clearly "Call me 022309071990. Viho."

I turned to throw away the lipstick box, and I heard the sound of a car pulling away, it abruptly moved away and quickly drove away. What kind of driving is that? I don't know what you're in such a hurry for. I automatically put the note in my coat pocket and walked down the street smiling blissfully. Oh… Those beautiful, coffee-colored eyes… I wouldn't forget

them, but I wouldn't dare call. Past relationships have thrown me off my game. I mean, not at all. I chose me. It was the hardest decision for me. It was excruciatingly painful, but the right decision of my life. Feeling disrespected day after day, and the depth of despair from feeling unwanted. And love? Was there ever love? It is too strong and deep a feeling to throw it away. To love is not to devalue feelings, it is to show care and no indifference. Love is

finding time to be alone with "your" person for five minutes. It's about not being left alone when you're in trouble, about cherishing your feelings. And to fear that there will come a time when you will be lost. At this point in my life's journey, I choose loneliness. I love solitude, already for the fact that I don't have to make excuses for my actions. I don't need to be afraid, fear no longer shackles me with iron fetters, I can breathe with my full breath. I no longer have to endure someone else's presence, restricting myself to everything. Freedom is intoxicating and liberating. I've also finally accepted myself. Falling in love with someone emotionally is easier than loving myself. The hardest work is the work of accepting myself. It was incredibly difficult for me. But I got through it, as I always do. My inner warrior does not accept defeat. This warrior has saved my life more than once, keeping panic from spilling over into my head. An iron rod that keeps my back straight, no matter what. I say thank you to myself.

I try to divert my thoughts from the man in the black cap, who burst like a hurricane into my regular life, to something really important. It's hard… Those little wrinkles in the corners of his coffee-colored eyes don't leave my mind. It must be possible to fall in love with his smile. I haven't felt spring in my heart in a long time… Mr. Viho is probably not lacking in female attention. So put him out of your mind, my girl. After all, I'm interviewing for my dream job tomorrow and I hope I do well. I didn't spend my days and nights studying languages for nothing. In fact, I love satiating myself with new knowledge, greedily swallowing every

thought. I gain a sense of superiority, knowledge makes me more confident and gives me inner strength. At the very least, I will do my best to get a place in such a well-known and large company. It's at least a ticket to a good life, not just for me. I've worked too long and too hard for this to let the excitement break me. Now run home, because the love of my life is waiting for me there. My protector, and my rock. I put on my headphones and start the music player on my phone. One of my favorite tracks is playing. I close my eyes and take a deep breath of the cool, spring breeze, and goosebumps run through my body, a kind of "emotional chill." Music has one wonderful ability, when it hits you, you find yourself in another universe, where you stop feeling pain. Sometimes music is my only escape from the cruelty of this world.

Thunder rumbles, storm, haze,

You can't find me.

I will be covered by white, white snow.

With celestial dust,

I shall be scattered.

To rise again,

And to be happy.

I am always very anxious before important events in my life. Sleep does not come. I just turn into an owl and suffer from insomnia. I wander slowly through the half-empty house, trying not to wake anyone up. Quietly, tiptoeing through the hallways, I see that the lights are already off everywhere except the nursery. I couldn't get past the room. I slowly walked over to the bed, kissed my son, trying not to disturb his sleep, covered him with the blanket, and enjoyed the view for a few more minutes before walking out. What a sweet baby, this must be the most favorite time for parents, the time when their beloved child is asleep. Those little

chubby arms cradling the blue bear cub in the striped white and blue t-shirt is the cutest sight I've ever seen. I closed the door and walked down the stairs to the kitchen to enjoy a cup of warm cocoa.

After taking my "bad mood drink," I went out on the balcony to enjoy the warm summer air. I like to look at the stars, and cocoa without milk. Milk is an important sub-point for me. I remember when I was a kid, my sister and I liked to lie on a fresh haystack and look at the starry sky. We even learned a few constellations. The Big Dipper, the Little Dipper… It's funny how much time has passed, and those moments are still vivid in the memory. And the scattering of stars in the Milky Way? It's a mesmerizing sight. We were in awe of the falling star, waiting in our hearts to make a wish and believed that it would come true for sure. Childhood should be surrounded by magic, we should believe in miracles. Although I confess, I still make wishes on a shooting star. The memories made me feel so warm and tears ran down my cheek, but there was a smile on my face. Because those tears are from good memories. They will stay in my heart forever. My darling man, in case the day comes when we can't see each other, know that I'm always there for you, just look at the stars. I took a sip of warm cocoa to numb the heartache and took a deep breath. The smell of a fresh, frosty morning, with a hint of apples, rushed into my nose. But I don't see anything unusual about that, because I smell that smell every night, sitting here on the balcony. It's so strange, when we moved into this house, I was told that our neighbor would be gone for two years. But for some reason, when I sit on the balcony at night, I can feel someone's eyes on me, even now. Isn't that weird? Maybe I'm just going crazy. Being a parent, you know, hard work, being responsible for a person twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, is a very heavy burden. There's probably not one person who's ready to be a parent. When a baby is

born, the endless joy of that cute little lump turns into fear building into panic. Because you are now a parent, this is your area of responsibility, whether you are ready or not. Some of us make it, some of us need help, but every loving parent does everything possible, even impossible, for the well-being of their child. But that smell… It's bugging me! Hmmm, I don't know what to think, but it's weird. Well, okay, I'll finish my cocoa and go to bed, otherwise coffee in the morning will not help me wake up. Yeah-a-a-a tomorrow is an exciting and important day for me. After all, I've got me, we'll get through it, as always, my girl.

My new, beautiful roommate has completely taken over my thoughts. This little miss is never out of my mind, day or night. Especially at night… I start acting silly, doing strange things. Even now, I'm a grown man hiding behind the balcony door, struggling with the curtains, which seem to deliberately prevent me from peeking at this terribly seductive miss, covering my face. And that meeting at the store? It was my well-honed plan of action; I was able to impress her, and even embarrass her, here by that lovely blush that arrived on her face. It worked out even better than I had imagined in my head, except, of course, for the suggestion about the angels. I guess she didn't appreciate it, judging by how adorably she rolled her beautiful, emerald eyes. How am I supposed to approach her? She hid behind a mask of indifference, surrounding herself with walls as high and strong as if it were a fortress. It's probably just the aftermath of a painful relationship experience… I think someone has trampled on her feelings. All I have to do is watch her quietly at night. She always comes out at the same time, it's like a ritual for her and a chance for me to enjoy her image. She is so beautiful, even in the little things. The way she tucks her naughty red strand behind her ear. The way she looks at the stars, leaning back in her chair, whispering softly to herself. But sometimes she is sad, I find it hard to watch. It's hard for me to bear her tears… Sometimes she cries so bitterly, quietly and quietly, trying not to let anyone hear her pain. At those moments, I just want to get closer to her and hold her close to me, taking her pain away. But no matter what, she always holds her head up proudly and bravely. Truly a strong woman. These fragile creatures have always been tougher than men. I so admire

you, my little miss. Across the balcony I can hear her scent that drives me crazy every time… Like a fresh sea breeze, like summer dew, and I drown in the smell of ripe fruit. She smiles so sweetly… I'm afraid I'm already in love with this little unruly miss. My Miss Perfect. And she threw away my note! Oh! How angry I was. Oh, no! I won't give up that easily, it's not in my rules. I'm going to be someone worthy of her love.