Читать книгу Faces of Grief. Overcoming the Pain of Loss - Veronica Semenova - Страница 9

Many grieving individuals are even more hurt by the sayings and meaningless phrases that are commonly said to someone who has lost a loved one. One of the most common is “I know how you feel, my mom/dad/cousin/friend died last year…”. However, comparing tragedies and losses is never helpful. It is NOT what a grieving person needs to hear at the time of loss.

Below is a list of hurtful and damaging sayings that bring no relief to a grieving person. Some people don’t even know why they say those things. Often the situation is awkward, and these words come to mind because we heard them from others, or heard our parents saying them in response to loss. Most of these sayings refer to getting over the loss quickly and offer advice on how to avoid the pain. But as I explain in this book, avoiding the pain and skipping the grieving stages (or going through them too quickly) is not a realistic expectation.

Trying to avoid the pain or reminders of loss is unhelpful, will backfire at a later stage, and will only cause more pain and destruction. Please consider avoiding common platitudes and “click phrases” and think about offering more thoughtful and meaningful support to a grieving person.

Platitudes and sayings to avoid include:

1. I know how you feel.

2. God has a plan for all of us.

3. Just look at all the things you have to be thankful for.

4. He is in a better place now.

5. God needed another angel.

6. At least he is not suffering anymore.

7. She is at peace now.

8. Everything is for the best.

9. Thank God, you/others are still alive. It could have been worse.

10. You still got your other kids/spouse/other parent.

11. Don’t cry… it will not change what happened, and will only upset you.

12. This, too, will pass.

13. He lived a full life.

14. God never gives you more than you can handle.

15. You need to get on with your life.

16. You are strong, you can handle this.

17. You must be strong for the kids/for others.

18. You will get over it in time.

19. Time heals all wounds.

20. In a year everything will be ok.

21. You’ll be fine, just give it some time.

22. You are young, you could always have more children.

23. You need to be a man in the house now/you need to take over his/her duties now.

All of the above phrases are not helpful, can cause further pain and demonstrate to the person that the feelings of grief he/she experiences are not valid, should not be expressed or felt. Instead of saying these, please consider helping the grieving person by offering support from the examples listed below.