Читать книгу The Maverick Preacher - Victoria Bylin - Страница 11

In spite of Josh’s protests, the woman nursing him had left a bottle of laudanum on the nightstand. He knew all about the drug and the lies it told. He’d first used it in Boston. With the renown that came with his sermons, he’d gotten an ulcer. The doctor he’d seen, a stranger because he’d wanted to hide his weakness, had given him something to calm his stomach, but it had led to embarrassing bouts of belching, something a man in Josh’s position couldn’t allow. He’d gone to a second physician, then a third. The last one had given him laudanum. It had helped immediately.

Looking at the bottle, Josh knew it would help right now. If he filled the spoon the woman had left—he thought her name was Bessie—he’d be free of pain. He’d be numb to his guilt, too.

The laudanum tempted him.

The craving humbled him.

Reverend Joshua Benjamin Blue, the best young preacher in Boston, maybe in America, had become addicted to opium. Thanks to Wes Daniels, the biggest sinner on earth and Josh’s only friend, he’d kicked the habit three months ago in a Kansas City boardinghouse.

Thoughts of Wes made Josh smile. He hadn’t succeeded in saving the gunslinger’s soul, but neither had Wes corrupted him. They’d had some lively debates in the past few months…a few quarrels, too. Wes had understood Josh’s guilt, but he didn’t share his worry. As long as Emily had jewelry to sell, Wes insisted she’d be sitting pretty. Josh hoped so. For months he’d been visiting pawnbrokers in search of pieces he’d recognize. He knew from Sarah Banks, Emily’s best friend, that his sister had bought a train ticket to St. Louis. Sarah had given Josh a verbal beating, one he’d deserved.

“How dare you cast stones at your sister! I know you, Josh. You’re as flawed as the rest us!”

She’d been right, of course. With Sarah’s remarks in his ears, he’d traveled to St. Louis, where he’d spotted a familiar brooch in a jewelry store. Emily, he’d learned from the shopkeeper, had sold it and moved on. A clerk at the train station recalled her face and thought she’d gone to Kansas City. Josh’s only hope of finding her lay in a trail of pawned jewelry and the Lord’s mercy. If he could have moved, he’d have hit his knees. Like Paul, he counted himself among the foremost of sinners, a man sorely in need of God’s grace. With the laudanum calling to him, he needed that grace in abundance. It came in the tap of Adie Clarke’s footsteps.

Bessie had left Josh a lamp, but she’d dimmed it to a haze that turned Miss Clarke into a shadow. Josh recalled her reddish hair and the glint in her gold-brown eyes. She’d struck him as young and pretty, though he wished he hadn’t noticed. He’d dedicated his life to serving God with every thought and deed. He wasn’t immune to pretty women, but he felt called to remain single. A man couldn’t travel at will with the obligation of a wife and family.

Thoughts of children made him wince. Without Emily the family mansion in Boston had become a tomb. For the first time, Josh had taken his meals alone. Listening to the lonely scrape of his knife on fine china, he’d wondered how it would feel to share meals with a wife, maybe children. Tonight he’d envied the woman who’d fed the baby.

Adie Clarke studied him in the dim light. “Are you awake?”

“I am. I need something.”

“Milk?”

“No,” he said. “The laudanum…take it away.”

Her gaze went to the bottle, then shifted to the cot where Josh lay wrapped in a blanket and wearing a silk nightshirt. Bessie had bandaged his shoulder, extracted the garment from one of the trunks in the storeroom and helped him into the shirt. Even in Boston, he hadn’t worn anything so fine.

Miss Clarke stayed in the doorway. “Are you sure? Bessie says—”

“Bessie doesn’t know me.”

“She’s a good nurse.”

“I don’t doubt it, Miss Clarke.” Josh felt ashamed, but the truth set a man free. “Until a few months ago, laudanum had a grip on me. I’ll never touch it again.”

“I’m sorry.”

He didn’t want her pity. “I’m over it.”

“Of course.” She walked to the nightstand, lifted the bottle and hurried for the door.

“Wait,” he called.

She stopped and turned, but her eyes clouded with reluctance. “Do you need something else?”

“Would you bring in my saddlebags?”

She froze like a deer sensing a wolf. Why would she hesitate? Considering he’d been shot in her kitchen, fetching his saddlebags seemed like a small favor. He could live without the laudanum, but he desperately needed the Bible packed with his clothes. “I’d get them myself, but—”

“No,” she said. “I’ll do it.”

“Thank you.”

As she headed down the hall, Josh rested his head on the pillow and stared at the ceiling. He hoped she’d hurry. His shoulder ached and his belly burned, but his soul hurt most of all. He thought of David writing Psalms in the midst of battle and loss.

Search me, O God, and know my heart… Love swelled in Josh’s chest. He prayed for Emily, the women of Swan’s Nest and the baby crying for milk.

Try me and know my thoughts… If an ulcer, a gunshot wound and a craving for opium didn’t test a man, he didn’t know what did. Would ever find Emily? Was she still alive? And her child…He grimaced.

See if there be any hurtful way in me… He prayed for purity of thought and a generous spirit.

And lead me in Your way everlasting. Amen.

As he finished the prayer, he looked expectantly at the door. Any minute Adie Clarke would be back with his Bible. More than ever, Josh needed the mercy of the God who’d walked the earth in a tent of human flesh. Jesus alone knew how he felt. He alone could bring comfort.

Adie ran to the carriage house. If she hurried, she could look in the saddlebags before giving them to Mr. Blue. On the other hand, she saw a risk. If she took too long, he’d wonder where she’d been. He also seemed more alert than she’d expected. If she rummaged through his bags, he might realize his things were in disarray and she’d have to explain herself.

As she entered the outbuilding, she considered another approach. Mr. Blue wouldn’t be able to lift the heavy bags. He’d need her help. If she dumped the contents on the floor, she’d see everything and be able to gauge his expression. Adie didn’t like being sneaky, but her motives were pure. She’d do anything to protect Stephen.

Not bothering with a lamp, she found the saddlebags where she’d left them, draped them over her shoulder, picked up the rifle and went back to the house. She went down the hall to Mr. Blue’s room where she leaned the gun by the door and set the bags against the wall. They’d be in his line of sight but not so close that he could see her expression.

He pulled himself upright so he could watch. “I’m not sure which bag it’s in.”

Adie didn’t ask him what he wanted. The less information she had, the more reason she had to riffle through his things. She lifted the first bag, worked the buckle and dumped the contents on the floor. Pots, two plates and utensils clattered against each other, and a can of beans rolled away. She’d found his mess kit but nothing of interest. She put everything back, then unbuckled the second bag. She could tell from the softness that it held clothing. Before he could stop her, she removed trousers, a shirt and a frock coat, all tightly rolled and as black as coal.

“Keep going,” he said. “What I want is at the bottom.”

Adie removed dungarees, a denim shirt and two pairs of store-bought socks. She checked the edges for darning, found none and decided Joshua Blue was a single man and always had been. Wanting a reason to check his pockets, she picked up the clothing and stood. “I’ll hang up your things.”

“I’d be obliged.”

Feeling like a fox in a henhouse, she went to a row of nails on the back wall. She turned her back, gave the coat a shake and searched the pockets. She felt a few coins, lint and a scrap of paper. A quick glance revealed notes about a man named Peter and something about catching fish. Seeing no mention of Maggie, Adie slipped the paper back in the coat and lifted a pair of trousers. She repeated her search and found nothing.

She went back to the saddlebag. “What is it you want?”

“My Bible.”

She knew very little about Maggie’s brother, but her friend had let it slip that he was a minister in a big city. Maggie had never said which one, though Adie had surmised she’d come from New England. Trembling, she looked up from the saddlebag. “Are you a preacher?”

“Of a sort.”

“Do you have a church?”

“I do, but not like you mean.”

Her hand shook as she checked a pocket. “I don’t understand.”

“I don’t preach in a building,” he explained. “I go from place to place.”

Adie let out the breath she’d been holding. Maggie’s brother had been wealthy. He’d have arrived in Denver in a private railcar, not on the back of a tired horse. He’d have never gone from town to town, preaching to the poor. She relaxed until she recalled his interest in Stephen. Not many men cared about hungry babies. Her nerves prickled with worry. Aware of his gaze, she reached into the saddlebag. She felt past a pouch holding shaving tools, found the book and lifted it from the bag.

The words Holy Bible caught the light and glowed like fire, taking Adie back to the evenings she’d spent with the Long family. Old Man Long had often read from the book of Jeremiah. Adie had felt sinful and condemned and confused by a God who treated people so poorly. She’d cast Maggie’s brother in the same mold. Even without her promise, she’d have protected Stephen from such a man.

She stood and handed him the Bible. Their fingers brushed on the binding, but their hearts were miles apart. Adie believed in God, but she didn’t like Him. Neither did she care for preachers. Carrying a Bible didn’t give a man a good heart. She’d learned that lesson in Liddy’s Grove. She let go of the book as if it had singed her.

Mr. Blue looked into her eyes with silent understanding and she wondered if he, too, had struggled with God’s ways. The slash of his brow looked tight with worry, and his whiskers were too stubbly to be permanent. Adie thought about his shaving tools and wondered when he’d used them last. Her new boarder would clean up well on the outside, but his heart remained a mystery. She needed to keep it that way. The less she knew about him, the better.

“Good night,” she said. “Bessie will check you in the morning.”

“Before you go, I’ve been wondering…”

“About what?”

“The baby…Who’s the mother?”

Adie raised her chin. “I am.”

Earlier he’d called her “Miss Clarke” and she hadn’t corrected him. The flash in his eyes told her that he’d assumed she’d given birth out of wedlock. Adie resented being judged, but she counted it as the price of protecting Stephen. If Mr. Blue chose to condemn her, so be it. She’d done nothing for which to be ashamed. With their gazes locked, she waited for the criticism that didn’t come.

Instead he laced his fingers on top of the Bible. “Children are a gift, all of them.”

“I think so, too.”

He lightened his tone. “A boy or a girl?”

“A boy.”

The man smiled. “He sure can cry. How old is he?”

Adie didn’t like the questions at all, but she took pride in her son. “He’s three months old.” She didn’t mention that he’d been born six weeks early. “I hope the crying doesn’t disturb you.”

“I don’t care if it does.”

He sounded defiant. She didn’t understand. “Most men would be annoyed.”

“The crying’s better than silence…I know.”

Adie didn’t want to care about this man, but her heart fluttered against her ribs. What did Joshua Blue know of babies and silence? Had he lost a wife? A child of his own? She wanted to express sympathy but couldn’t. If she pried into his life, he’d pry into hers. He’d ask questions and she’d have to hide the truth. Stephen was born too soon and his mother died. He barely survived. I welcome his cries, every one of them. They mean he’s alive.

With a lump in her throat, she turned to leave. “Good night, Mr. Blue.”

“Good night.”

A thought struck her and she turned back to his room. “I suppose I should call you Reverend.”

He grimaced. “I’d prefer Josh.”

Adie preferred formality. She had her differences with the Almighty, but she’d been taught to respect God and honor His ways. Being too familiar with a man of the cloth seemed wrong. So did addressing a near stranger by his given name. She avoided the issue by murmuring good-night.

Before Mr. Blue could ask another question, she closed the door behind her and went to her bedroom. Too anxious to sleep, she stood next to Stephen’s cradle and watched the rise and fall of his chest, treasuring every breath he took. Someday she’d tell him about Maggie Butler and pass on the things hidden in the trunk at the foot of her bed. Maggie’s jewelry lay wrapped in a red velvet bag, untouchable, except in a matter of life or death. Adie expected to support herself and her son, though earning a living had proven more difficult than she’d expected. With the loan payment due on Friday, she would have to go to the bank where Franklin Dean would harass her.

Stephen hiked up his legs. Adie tucked the blanket across his back and thought of the other things in the trunk, particularly Maggie’s diary. In the last weeks of her pregnancy, the two of them had spent their evenings on the porch of a Topeka boardinghouse. While Adie did piecework, Maggie had taken a pen to paper.

“It’s my story,” she’d explained. “If something happens to me, I want Stephen to have it when he’s older.”

Blinking back tears, she recalled the day Maggie had written the last words in the journal. She’d asked for the book, scrawled a final sentence and taken her last breath. Stunned, Adie had lifted the book from Maggie’s still hands. Without opening it, she’d buried the journal deep in the trunk.

Looking at her son now, Adie thought of the diary and trembled. Maggie had lived with secrets. The book, Adie feared, held revelations that could tear Stephen out of her arms. She had no desire to read it. Instead she kept it hidden with the jewelry and the picture of his natural mother. Someday she’d give everything to her son. The book held truths he deserved to know, but its presence made Adie tremble. She had no intention of opening the trunk for a very long time.

Josh opened his Bible to the Psalms. Tonight he needed comfort and he’d find it in the words of David, a man with God’s own heart but human inclinations. Josh understood that tug and pull. In Boston he’d been inclined to protect his own pride. He’d been an arrogant fool and he hadn’t even known it. Others had, though. As the pages fluttered, he recalled preaching in front of a thousand people. Gerard Richards, the leading evangelist in America, had been in the crowd. Josh had been eager for the man’s praise. Instead the famed minister, a stooped man with a squeaky voice, had looked him up and down and said, “You have a gift, young man. But you’re full of yourself. You’ll be better after you’ve suffered.”

Josh had been insulted.

Now he understood. Emily’s flight had knocked him to his knees. He’d fallen even lower when he’d lost everything in a river crossing. It had happened on the Missouri at the peak of the spring flood. The barge pilot had steered into an eddy and lost control. When water lapped the logs, the passengers had all run to the side closest to the shore. The raft tipped, sending everything—people, animals and their possessions—into the racing current.

Josh had made it to shore, but he’d lost the satchel he’d carried from Boston. The clothing could be replaced, but he’d grieved the Bible. It had belonged to his grandfather, the man who’d mentored Josh until he’d died of apoplexy. Even more devastating was the loss of Emily’s letter and the tintype she’d had made a few months before she’d revealed her condition. Josh had tucked them in the back of the Bible for safekeeping, but the river had swallowed them whole.

Stripped of his possessions, he’d found work in a livery. That Sunday, he’d preached to a trio of bleary men who’d come for their horses after a night on the town. They’d each given him two bits for his trouble. Josh had put those coins toward the purchase of the Bible in his hands now. The men had come back the following Sunday and they’d brought a few friends. Josh had preached again. He’d used that collection for laudanum.

Recalling that day, he lingered on David’s plea to the God who knew his deepest thoughts. He prayed, as he did every night, that the Lord would lead him to Emily. Before the river crossing, he’d shown her picture to everyone he’d met. Now he could only describe her. He missed the letter, too. The night she’d left, she’d put it on top of the sermon notes on his desk. He’d been preaching through the gospel of John and had reached the story of the adulterous woman and Jesus’ famous words, “Let him whose slate is clean cast the first stone.”

Sermons usually came easily to Josh, but he’d been unable to grasp the underlying message.

Now he knew why. He’d been a hard-boiled hypocrite. When Emily came to him for help, he’d berated her with words that bruised more deeply than rocks. Blinking, he recalled her letter. He’d read it so often he’d memorized it.

I love you, Josh. But I don’t respect you. You judged me for my sins—I admit to them—but you don’t know what happened or why. You don’t know me or my baby’s father and you never will. I’m leaving Boston for good. Someday, Reverend Blue, you’ll get knocked off your high horse. I’ll pray for you, but I won’t weep.

Your sister, Emily.

That Sunday, Josh had taught on the same passage, but he’d changed the message. Instead of focusing on the woman and Christ’s command to go and sin no more, he’d talked about throwing stones. In front of three hundred people, he’d admitted to his mistakes and resigned his position. A broken man, he’d packed a single bag and bought a train ticket. Based on Sarah’s knowledge, he’d headed for St. Louis, worrying all the time that Emily would travel farther west. Josh hadn’t found her in St. Louis, but he’d spotted a piece of her jewelry in a shop owned by a pawnbroker. It had given him hope. Over the next several months, he’d traveled far and wide.

Someday he’d find Emily. He’d hit his knees and beg for forgiveness. Until then, he had to live with his regrets. Exhausted, he blew out the lamp. As always he prayed for his sister’s safety. Tonight, he added Adie Clarke to that list. He couldn’t help Emily, but here at Swan’s Nest, he saw a chance to do some good. What he couldn’t give to Emily, he’d give to Adie Clarke and her friends. The thought put a smile on his face, the first one in a long time.