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Table of Contents

The Duke. Small titles and orders

For Mayors and Recorders

I get—and they're highly delighted.

M.P.s baronetted,

Sham Colonels gazetted,

And second-rate Aldermen knighted.

Foundation-stone laying

I find very paying,

It adds a large sum to my makings.

At charity dinners

The best of speech-spinners,

I get ten per cent on the takings!

The Duchess.I present any lady

Whose conduct is shady

Or smacking of doubtful propriety;

When Virtue would quash her

I take and whitewash her

And launch her in first-rate society.

I recommend acres

Of clumsy dressmakers—

Their fit and their finishing touches;

A sum in addition

They pay for permission

To say that they make for the Duchess!

The Duke. Those pressing prevailers,

The ready-made tailors,

Quote me as their great double-barrel;

I allow them to do so,

Though Robinson Crusoe

Would jib at their wearing apparel!

I sit, by selection,

Upon the direction

Of several Companies bubble;

As soon as they're floated

I'm freely bank-noted—

I'm pretty well paid for my trouble!

The Duchess.At middle-class party

I play at écarté—

And I'm by no means a beginner;

To one of my station

The remuneration—

Five guineas a night and my dinner.

I write letters blatant

On medicines patent—

And use any other you mustn't;

And vow my complexion

Derives its perfection

From somebody's soap—which it doesn't.

The Duke. We're ready as witness

To any one's fitness

To fill any place or preferment;

We're often in waiting

At junket or fêting,

And sometimes attend an interment.

In short, if you'd kindle

The spark of a swindle,

Lure simpletons into your clutches,

Or hoodwink a debtor,

You cannot do better

Than trot out a Duke or a Duchess!