Читать книгу The Collected Wisdom of Fathers - Will Glennon - Страница 6

Foreword

by joe Kelly, Executive Director, Dads and Daughters,

and author of Dads and Daughters:

How to Inspire, Support and Understand

Your Daughter When She's Growing Up So Fast

My copy of the first edition is crumpled, with most of its pages dog-eared, dozens of sections underlined or bracketed, and more than one stain from something spilled on it. The book looks so abused because it was (and still is) so much used. When they were teenagers, my daughters teased me about the book's condition, even as I (believe it or not) sometimes read some of its insights to them and (believe it or not) they actually listened.

This isn't the first fathering book I've owned, but it's the first one I read straight through. That's because Will Glennon and the dads he interviewed are too smart to do the silly things so many of those other books do, like presume to lay out ten guaranteed steps to becoming the ideal dad. I read The Collected Wisdom of Fathers without stopping because it was the first place I heard the voices of men speaking to me, from every page, about fatherhood's real questions, uncertainties, obligations, opportunities, and unimaginable joy.

It's never been easy to be a dad, and recent times hold their own special challenges. Our culture expects fathers to remove ourselves from our children, reinforcing the absurd notions that “providing” for our family is confined to the wallet, that rearing children is mother-only territory, and that fathers are second-class parents. It's important to remember that we men often buy into these very notions, and that the solution does not lie in getting pissed off about it or finding someone to blame (including our own fathers).

Like most men I know, my father said very little to me about being a father or what it meant for him to be my dad. In his actions, I read flashes of fathering lessons, some more clear than others: work hard, hug and kiss your kids, never talk directly about serious stuff (like sex or money), drink a lot, hold everything in until you burst out in rage, care deeply about social justice and faith. Some of these lessons I cherish, some I could have done without, and others I still don't comprehend. But never did he speak to me—nor do I imagine his father ever spoke to him—about the most important event of his life: being a dad.

It seems clear that the first solution to our fathering challenges lies in breaking this “Silence of the Dads.” Will Glennon and the other men in The Collected Wisdom of Fathers powerfully illustrate how to begin. We have to start talking to each other. I draw great comfort and inspiration from the voices in this book; they help me know that I'm not alone in my moments of uncertainty, that other fathers have wisdom, humor, and experience to guide me (if only I have the courage to ask), and that I'm lucky to have my very own challenges rather than the more difficult ones some other fathers face.

Most important, The Collected Wisdom of Fathers showed me that one thing never changes about fathering, no matter what uncertainty, challenge, fear, hurt, joy, circumstance, geography, personality, or other variable I encounter. My first obligation as a father is to do everything I can to nurture and strengthen my relationship with my children.

I've best learned how to do this from the fathering pioneers of our times, men who (like Will Glennon) live away from their children because of divorce, separation, or other circumstances—and stepfathers who step into the already-established lives of their kids. Successful live-away dads and stepdads do their fathering on purpose; they make time and sacrifices to be with their kids. They know that the job can't get done through blaming or worrying over the behavior of a wife, an ex-, a court judge, a schoolteacher, a relative, a boss, or anyone else. The job gets done by using our only truly effective tool (and the only tool we ultimately can influence): our-selves. If my behavior, attitudes, resentments, mistakes, prejudices, or inexperience get in the way of nurturing my relationship with my children, then (with the help of the many dads who've been down this road before) my job is to cast those limitations aside.

Yes, fathering is scary and confusing sometimes. But, as I wrote in my book Dads and Daughters, “Fathering can be stunningly euphoric, too. The most powerful name anyone will ever call us is ‘Daddy.’ When our name is Dad, we hold infinite opportunity in our hands.”

The Collected Wisdom of Fathers can give you the courage to absorb everything the name “Daddy” means. You'll begin to understand how much you mean to and influence your child, and how much she means to and influences you. Glennon and company show us that we are better men because we're fathers. Of course we'll screw up and stumble sometimes, but that's part of the gig. The bottom line: When we start listening to other dads, we learn that no man ever found a more wonderful job than the profession of Father.